A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When I first met my partner, I explained in the first 3 months my views about living together before engagement. I explained that I have lived with an ex in the past and it didn't work, so therefore I want to wait until engagement before living together with a partner this time.My current partner has never respected these views for the past two and a half years that we've been together. He constantly questions me and tries to convince me that it is OK to live together. He has also made me feel bad saying that he doesn't feel it's fair I have lived with another man in the past, yet I won't live with him before engagement.Anyway, my partner recently sold his home and needs a place to live whilst he is looking for his new place. I offered for him to live at my place for 3-4 weeks, but made it clear that after this time he will need to move into a place of his own. My partner became so angry with me and told me I was "heartless," that I was putting "conditions and rules on our relationship" and that I was "forcing him to live in his car if he cannot find a place within 3-4 weeks."I tried to explain that I had compromised by letting him stay with me for a short while but he is still angry and we have been fighting on the phone for 3 days. I'm upset that he doesn't respect my views and for the way he is handling the situation and he is angry because he isn't getting his own way.I am so over the way he doesn't respect my views and the way he treats me. I tried saying that he is welcome to live at my place permanently if we do become engaged, but that made him even angrier and he said I was putting pressure on HIM and he doesn't want to feel forced to commit just because he is looking for a place to live. And I respect his decision, I just don't want to live together full time until he commits to me.Am I wrong in wanting this? Should I give in and let him live with me longer even if I don't want to? What do you suggest I do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2017):
 He is being silly- and manipulative. ( And maybe you should think long and hard if marrying him is the best choice for you, or even an option; but that's another sthing ).
Why is it your fault if he did not make adequate living arrangements before selling his house; and why are you necessarily his to-go person in case he is temporarily homeless ? What about parents, siblings, old friends ? If you WERE his fiancee' - maybe. Maybe I could understand that he sees you as the person who has more responsibility and interest in helping him out.
But since, as of now, you are just two guys who are dating- where does he take the idea from ,that your date, exclusive but still a date, must also be your first support and helpmate in a pinch ?
If you had gotten yourself in a big debt that you can't pay off, and he refused to pay it off for you, would you tell him that it HIS is fault that now your credit rate is going to be shot ?... I don't think so.
Anyway, I feel he is playing dumb- he does not have to SHARE your ideas to respect them. Reason for which, it takes some nerve even to bring this up. What 's so difficult to understand in" no, I am not going to shack up if we are not at least engaged ? " It's a simple, basic concept and by dismissing it he is crassly overstepping boundaries .
It does not matter if yours is a sound idea or not. There are different schools of thought about that , and some people think that in fact it is a better idea to make a dress rehersal of cohabitation BEFORE getting officially engaged. Because if huge incompatibilities pop up, it's easier and emotionally lighter to break up a dating relationship than an official committmemt with a set date.
Then again, this is ONE way to see things- there also are others , equally legitimate. Your house- your choice, and , again, he does not need to approve it for being able to respect it.
He is just pushing the envelope because a) he is desperate for an accomodation and / or b ) he is a bit of a bully.
Stick to your guns- you are not putting conditions on the relationship ( which would not be a crime ! nobody is obliged to accept any kind of relationship which gets thrown their way, no rules, no conditions ). Anyway, you aren't- you are only putting conditions on who is allowed to live in your house . As it is normal and logical that you would do. It's a private home, not a shelter for homeless people.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (16 June 2017):
 Why did he sell his place without first having secured some other place to live? Where are all his belongings at this point of time? How can a grown man just sell his house and have nowhere to go to? I find this very strange. He's banking on you to "keep" him when you but what would he have done if you were not in the picture? Does he have a job? Is he employed? How is he managing all this?
You should also keep in mind that this is a manipulation technique to make sure that you don't leave him or rather, he doesn't leave you. It will be very difficult to get him out of your house once you let him in. Be very careful.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (16 June 2017):
 He is pressuring you in the same way he feels you are pressuring him.
He to let him live there and you to be engaged in order to do so. If he is going to make a big hoo har for me it would have moved passed the moving in bit and more about respecting your choice to wait. He may or may not be able to find somewhere in that time frame but given he does want to move in, once he has how much effort will he put in to looking for his own place? Not much I would imagine. It was silly of him to not make alternate living arrangements during the sale of his home. Personally if he was going to keep on carrying on about it then I'd leave him to find a place of his own.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 June 2017):
 My question to you, OP is - DO you REALLY see yourself with this guy as your husband?
Someone who thinks YOU should change your mind and standard to SUIT his needs? (aka he wants to live with you).
Now, myself personally, I think moving IN with someone shows commitment to a relationship AND the other person. I think it actually HELPS the relationship to live together first. BEFORE deciding on marriage. WHY? Because you REALLY get to know a person when you live with them. And finding out that you are ACTUALLY complete opposites and don't work well or that there are QUITE a few "wrinkles" that needs to be worked out BEFORE taking SUCH a big step as engagement/marriage.
Also, him saying that YOU are forcing him to live in his car? WTF actually? No, you are not, HE made the choice to sell his home and to not have an option of where to stay in between homes.
I think you are BOTH putting unnecessary pressure on each other. He wants YOU to do what HE want and you want him to do what YOU want... or else. And I think you two are a BAD match.
Sit down and think about it. IS this a guy you can see yourself married to OR not. It's been 2 1/2 years so I'd say you "should" know by now. And then act accordingly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2017): I dont think it's odd you don't want to live with someone before engagement. It's what you want and you were clear about that with him early on.
What's odd is to get rid of your home before finding a new home. its pretty presumptuous of him, and I agree a bit suspicious. Like he thought this is how he's going to convince you to live together.
I think you should stand firm and not let him live with you because he is being manipulative, demanding.
I'd go one step further and break up because first he's not willing to respect you and your views, and second he seems immature to be upset that you won't accommodate his mistake in getting rid of his place to begin with.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 June 2017):
 "he doesn't want to feel forced to commit just because he is looking for a place to live."
Well, duh, of course not. That would be a stupid reason to get engaged, just to have a place to live.
But lets see now, you are 30-35, and have been together for over two years. In my opinion, if you don't see yourself getting married to this man yet, you never will. And right now all I can see is that he doesn't respect your boundaries and you are resenting him for it.
Is this really a man you should continue in a relationship with? I have to ask, because if he doesn't respect or understand your wish to not live together unless engaged, then I don't think you are compatible. And he doesn't sound like a man who seeks long term commitment either.
Have you asked him if he sees you and him ever getting married? Just curious. Because his anger seems to be directed at this, that he genuinely does not want marriage, but is angry that you will not let the relationship progress without it. If he wants you and wants to get marred to you, then after two and a half years he ought to know this already. And if he intends to marry you, he would respect your wishes to not live together and find himself other accommodation. I mean, he KNEW this, it's not like you force him to live in his car, you didn't just spring this on him. He knew. So my logical conclusion is that he is angry because he genuinely does not see himself getting married (to you or maybe not anyone in general) and still wants to live with you. So that's why he's angry.
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A
male
reader, Phil052  +, writes (15 June 2017):
 Stick to your guns! You have a rational reason for your decision, and he is trying to manipulate you for his own ends, even resorting to emotional blackmail. I would be re-evaluating this relationship.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 June 2017):
 Question: why do you want to become engaged (and ultimately married) to a man who is manipulative and does not respect your views?
You have explained why you do not want him to live with you. (I find the reason a bit odd but it is YOUR reason and YOUR choice and YOUR home.)
After all this time, do you not get tired of going over the same arguments time and time again?
You are not "forcing him to live in his car" at all. You are just not allowing him to live in YOUR home. Surely he is capable of staying with friends, family or even in temporary accommodation somewhere? He is not a child. I suspect, if you allowed him to move in with you "temporarily", that time would stretch and stretch until he just never left. Why did he not find another house BEFORE selling his? Sounds to me like this is all intended to put more pressure on you to allow him to move in with you. Be careful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2017): I think the qs you should ask yourself is after 2.5 years why aren't you both engaged ? I mean normally that discussion comes at 2 year mark you don't need to rush marriage but you both surely know how you feel and who you want in your future ? I think you are trying to leverage some response and being honest I can see why . But I would if me rather sit him down and say right what's going on . Do you want to be with me ? Yes okay then let's get engaged . That's my deal if not stop wasting my time . And don't come running back saying you want to if you say no as I'm not here as an option Your either sure or your out .. One of my deals with my hubby was no ring he didn't get a thing so at 19teen we got engaged he was 22 and we've been together ever since I'm now 40 btw so a long time - and no parole haha . Tackle the problem .. chin up
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