A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a man at my job and we worked together a few months. I since have left the job because I got something better :)I never date co-workers but we did flirt a lot at the job. Only after I left did i agree to date him. He revealed to me a DUI he had incurred 2 years previous and was diligently paying dues on. I have had bad relationships with addicts so this frightened me BUT i was impressed at how hard he was working on it and following through on that service. He told me he still smoked weed after the first month of dating. I thought OK maybe i can live with that. After three months now it's clear to me that he is most likely addicted and has told me, "he will always smoke" I hate weed. I hate the smell and I think it makes people stupid.More importantly he continues to work at a bar and his lifestyle is that of the 3pm-12am shift, 5 nights a week. I honestly believed he was looking into other career options as I was but he revealed that he thinks this is just what he wants because the money is so good (which in fairness it is)He has frequently showed up late to dates and meetings (sometimes 30 mins. Tonight he was going to be over an hour late for our special anniversary "date night" and I just said to forget it. Am I acting rude and awful or is this not a match in heaven? I was raised in an alcoholic home so I am, of course, sensitive.Advice?PS. We are both 34.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2017): Thanks everyone for their feedback. Yeah my gut was telling me similar. It's a relief really tho
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 June 2017):
 Dealbreaker. He is an addict and weed DOES make you stupid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2017): He is still showing symptoms of his illness. He still works around all the sources of temptation that a recovering addict shouldn't be around. He is showing-up late, and surely making lame excuses and empty-apologies for himself. He is happy remaining where he is, when an addict can only rehabilitate themselves when they change their lifestyle, environment, and habits completely.
I think you knew exactly what we were going to advise you to do. You're changing and improving your life. You're evolving, while he is happy right where he is.
If you have a notion to change him to suit yourself, you're wrong. That isn't your responsibility. You have no right to decide for him how he should live or behave; nor what he should, or shouldn't do. That is up to him to decide for himself. He has found contentment. And in telling you so; he is declaring that you must take him as he is.
Sweetheart, hard as it is, you have a choice about that.
Don't rely on your gut; do what logic and your common-sense is telling you to do. You hate weed, so why shouldn't you remain firm in your feelings about it? It disturbs you when he shows up late, because you already know the reason why.
He informed you straight-out, he likes what he's doing and he isn't going to stop.
My point is never to demonize anyone or judge those I've never even met. I will offer a strong opinion based on the details before me, if it is warranted. There are always two-sides to a story, and in this case he doesn't get to tell his side or defend himself. For all we know, he's a wonderful man with some bad habits. The problem is, his lifestyle and choices contradict your values. You don't state you have any addiction to drugs or alcohol; yet you still have strong affections for him.
Your feelings are for the good traits you find in him. Your better judgement fights with you. Do you know why? That is because you know in the long run; all his bad habits and his chosen lifestyle is going to be a major problem between you.
Albeit, that seems to be where the situation stands now; and you're not even in a relationship.
It is best to make a choice based on your observations and experience, and let wisdom lead you to the appropriate actions.
As a side-note of caution, even considering friendship may not be a good idea. Your affection runs deeper than that, and he has attraction for you beyond a platonic friendship.
Being friends is just going in sideways; but the results will be the same as if you tried to be a couple. You will find yourself frustrated and constantly disappointed. You'll complain and confront him. You'd have no right to. Only because you knew going in, and you had the choice to move on.
My apologies if none of what I've said makes sense.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (14 June 2017):
 I agree that long term lifestyle differences and priorities make a couple incompatible; most psychology articles on relationships actually state that short term and long term differences are what keep a couple together, and more important than love- which will fade and become strained as you constantly grate against each other. I and most people have been there..
What really made me want to answer your question though is that I've gone out with 3 guys that were addicted at some point to weed- i.e. dependent on using it EVERY DAY, for whatever reason. 2 of them developed paranoid psychosis from it and the other was well on his way, and had horrendous mood swings. SO hot and cold.. this obviously made sustaining relationships a massive emotional and psychological strain for me.. the guy im currently with is not allowed to touch another drug and is guna be on anti psychotic drugs for the foreseeable future. Although he is on the medication he gets paranoid intrusive spells and still suffers mild effects.
It's not shallow to walk away becase you need to understand that drugs alter peoples minds, personalities and will ALWAYS have a bigger hold on the person than their loved ones. Not only does he have the very short sighted, irrisposible outlook that life is one big party but theres no getting away from the fact that he's an addict and they'll always choose the drugs over you.
Youre not being shallow by walking away- youre doing yourself a better service and a better chance for happiness. Dont waste your time mugging yourself off for this guy.
Take care
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 June 2017):
 You have described what I call a loser
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 June 2017):
 I think you need to stick to whatever standards you have. So if you do NOT want to be with a guy who drinks/smoke weed then don't.
He isn't the only fish in the sea.
If you think ahead for a bit, can you see yourself making a family with this man? Given that he WILL continue to smoke pot and work at a bar with no further goals in life?
Sounds like he prefers a different lifestyle than you, and that is fine but it might also mean that the two of you are not a good match in the long run.
Should his life choices be a dealbreaker? Only you can decide that.
It's ABSOLUTELY OK to NOT want to date someone because their lifestyle is not compatible with YOURS.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (14 June 2017):
 If your head cant make a decision let your gut. I don't mean that to come across as rude. It kind of sets the scene if it's off to this kind of start. Not saying he is a bad guy by any means but finding someone more on the same page will be so much less of a pain in the arse. Square pegs never fit into round holes.
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