A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncles,I'll try and keep this short and clear, or at least clear :) -this is a friendship question.Two years ago a new colleague came to the firm. She seemed positive, hardworking and nice. Since we live in the same neighborhood we started seeing each other from time to time outside the office. She has two cute dogs and as I volunteer at our vet's office I would help her sometimes to take care of them, e.g. she would leave me her apartment keys, when she went somewhere for a weekend.Anyway, it wasn't anything "deep", but we enjoyed each other's company. I did notice from the very beginning that she was someone who gets friendly pretty quick, which is not common in the society we live in - North European country. But I just thought that she was outgoing and nice. I quickly saw that she had hard time being alone, kept changing friends and even boyfriends, sometimes obsessively using online dating services and meeting all sorts of guys.I spontaneously set boundaries when she would call or come unannounced when it was too late and she respected them. I saw that she was making an effort to be "normal".About 10 months into our friendship things started to get complicated for her. I noticed that she was not as dedicated at work as she used to be. We work in different departments, so I heard people complaining at first and then I saw with my own eyes when the evaluation reports started arriving. She took sick leaves extremely often and became a bit withdrawn. Sometime later she took some pills (not the kind that could have killed her and definitely not in quantities that could have caused any serious damage). She called me after she had called an ambulance.Anyway, at that point I learned that she had been diagnosed with borderline personality when she was in her teens and had all sorts of problems. What seemed an extreme situation for me, was actually a recurring episode in her usual cycle. This was her 7th time taking too much meds. Her parents flew in, and her brother came (he lives in the same city but does not see her often), her boyfriend (who had dumped her two days earlier) blamed himself and promised to do better... and all of them kept saying how relieved they were that she had a friend like me. That's when I realized that she had practically no "old" friends at all. Anyway, I didn't like how they tried to make me responsible for her. Her bf would eventually leave and her parents would call me from time to time and ask me to check up on her or do something for her. I had to put a stop to it when they called at 2 am just because she said she had been feeling lonely. I told them I wasn't a doctor and that I couldn't help her or them in that way. She was put on antideressants but wouldn't see a shrink regularly.Anyway, two weeks ago she had the same episode and since she gave my number as her contact person, doctors called me in the middle of the night. That's how I got her apartment keys and since then she has been insisting that I keep them, even though she was discharged immediately the morning after from the hospital and there was no need for me to take care of her dogs. I am not comfortable with that. I care about her, but I'm not her mother or a doctor. I am in no way responsible for her. Even her shrink had called me when she missed several appointments. He paused when he learned that we were in no way related and that I wasn't an "old" friend, but he wasn't surprised. He asked me certain questions (mostly practical, if she goes to work, is in contact with her family...). He thought too that her leaning so much on me was not good for her and that I should ask her to stop giving my phone as her contact person and give her back her keys. He underlined that I should do that carefully so that she wouldn't feel rejected. He never specified HOW!So how do I give her back her keys and gently ask her to give her parents or her brother's number to her doctors?I feel trapped. I'd like to be there for her but I can't take any additional responsibility.Thank you a lot!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 June 2017):
 OP, I think you have to face the fact that this woman is no longer a friend (if she ever was), but a very toxic, and unstable dependent.
Things will never be the way they were.
Do you see yourself giving her a set of keys to your home? Trusting her to look after your animals? Confiding in her? Encouraging her to become more involved in your personal life, meeting your family?
The only ones I'm concerned about here are her dogs who are totally innocent and dependent on others. She's demonstrated quite a knack for getting all the help she wants.
I think you need to be frank and totally unapologetic with everyone. If her boyfriend or family sense you feel guilty they'll exploit that. Not because they're evil but because having you around relieves them of much of the burden.
You can either block their numbers or have your changed and keep it unlisted. If you're not prepared to cut her loose all at once then you can block everyone else (without announcing it) and unblock her only at times when you're available to help. The rest of the time, you're off limits.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 June 2017):
 I agree with Chigirl and can't really improve on her post.
She isn't going to STOP "using" you unless YOU take steps. So contact family/BF and let them know That while you are a friend you DO NOT want the added responsibility of a caretaker and that SHE needs one of those. She NEEDS help, more than she is getting at the moment.
And you NEED to talk to her too. Don't beat around the bush here either. Be honest. She shouldn't have added you as a contact person WITHOUT your permission.
A little sidenote here - If she is on meds my guess is when she has these "episodes" it's when she has gone OFF those meds. It's something to consider suggesting to her family/doc/Bf.
It can be draining to look after someone and while I DO think it's good that you can BE a friend after all the drama she has created (even if she might not be in control of it) WE ALL have our limits. YOU have your life as well, and it should revolve around this woman and HER mental health.
She probably BURNS through people trying to be JUST her friend by pushing responsibility onto them that they may not want.
Like you I don't mind helping people out but I DO mind if it starts to feel like I'm being taken advantage of or taken for granted.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 June 2017):
 I think this questions headline was poorly formulated. This isn't about her "life choices", this is about her mental health issues. She didn't choose to be mentally ill any more than a person in a wheelchair chooses to be in a wheelchair.
However, I understand where you are coming from. Her parents calling you in the middle of the night, her writing you up as her contact in case of emergency etc. I believe what has happened is that you are her only friend, and she has been exaggerating your friendship to everyone she talks to. Or, her family are just out of options, so that's why they turn to you, not realizing that this behavior is pushing you away.
I think you need to take this in separate steps. First, if her parents/family/boyfriend calls you again, inform them that you are her FRIEND, not nurse or care taker, and that you will not wish these phone calls. In order for you to remain her friend and be able to be a friend in her life, you need to have your boundaries respected and be able to perform your duties as a FRIEND, and not be forced into the role of nurse or care taker. Inform them of this. You can even call them yourself and tell them this. If they have concerns about your friend, they will need to contact her directly or contact her doctor. Not you. Be firm about this.
Second, if health care professionals call you again, inform them that you are her friend, yes, but that you have not agreed to be the person of contact in case of emergencies or listed as "next in kind" to her. That this has been done without your consent. Give them the number of her parents and boyfriend instead. Ask them to erase your number from their lists.
Third, as for your friend. The way to go about this is to just be blunt and honest, but without drama. You simply tell her that you value her as a friend and wish to continue to be her friend, help with the dogs from time to time and talk at work. But that in order for you to be a good friend, you can not be her person "in case of emergency". Tell her that if you got deeply involved in her health to that level, that you would risk not being able to be a friend. She DOES need friends too, you know, that are NOT her care takers. In fact I think she needs a simple friend way more than she needs a care taker who will bring her to the hospital and talk to her doctors etc. She has her own family for that. What she doesn't have is a friend who is strictly a friend. Someone to share the good times with, and someone to have a light and easy time with. Someone who isn't involved in drama and health problems. Someone who is separate from all of that, so that when she recovers and has her good periods, she has someone to hang out with and talk to on a "normal" level. Bringing you into the situation when she's at her poorest and into her private affairs will ruin the friendship. So just tell her, you want to continue to be her friend, but that in order to remain her friend you need to not be her person in case of emergencies etc.
Tell her you want to come over for a cup of tea or to walk the dogs with her, or watch her dogs over a weekend from time to time. Tell her that you feel it is better for your friendship, that her parents or other family members are her "in case of emergency" persons, and that you have informed her parents and her doctor of this. Smile. Tell her everything will work out and be fine, and that you are friends, and that you are putting up these boundaries in order to maintain the friendship.
Then see how you feel when things cool down. For her sake, a friend is a very healthy thing to have in her life. And especially a friend who can put down boundaries. She needs boundaries. But if it's too much for you, and you feel unwell about it, and you don't know if this is good for your own health, then reconsider. You might want to let the friendship fade out. But I recommend you give it some time and space and see how things evolve on their own first. Just lay down some firm boundaries with her family especially. It's not your friend who calls you in the middle of the night, after all. It's her family who clearly lack boundaries and don't understand common rules of conduct. No wonder your friend is lacking in social skills if she learned that it's okay to call a person at 2am ....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2017): Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to answer!
You're right, something has to be done and soon. I'll find a way to get over the discomfort I feel over telling her, but I have no other choice.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 June 2017):
 Tricky situation and one I can totally empathize with (although, fortunately for me, not at quite as intense a level as with your friend).
You may not be an "old" friend but, by the sound of it, you are her "oldest" friend as she does not seem capable of keeping friendships going for very long (probably for the reasons you have witnessed yourself). Her mother and brother are probably just basing their assumptions on how close the two of you are on what SHE has told them. If she refers to you in ways that make it sound like the two of you are very close, then they will just assume that to be the case, especially as they don't appear to be very close as a family. Or perhaps they too are unable to cope with her demands and are just relieved to have someone else (i.e. you) to offload onto? If she has been like this since childhood, then it is understandable that they are worn out with the worry and responsibility. It must be very stressful, waiting for "that" phone call.
I doubt there is a half way measure here, i.e. that you can back off from being "responsible" for her without your friendship ending. However, what I would try in your shoes (if it sounds reasonable to you) is to say to her that, while you are happy to take on the responsibility of looking after her dogs when needed, you do not feel able to take on the responsibility of being HER emergency contact as well. Point out that you have responsibilities of your own (like getting up for work next morning) and that her emergency contacts should be her mother and brother (especially as he lives not too far away). You could even make some excuse about being better with animals than with people if this will help soften the blow.
Ultimately you may have to draw a line under this friendship if you find it too demanding and draining and just walk away. We can only cope with what we can cope with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2017): Call her parents, or her brother. Tell them this is too much for you. Make copies and mail each a set of her keys. Then, write a short letter to her to this effect:
"Thank you for your friendship and trust. My life has become busy and more complicated as of late, and I feel unable to add to the load. I need time to myself. I have my own family and other friends who also need me. I'm sending you these keys; so you'll be able to connect and find new friends you can count on. It's too much for me right now. I'm not upset with you or anything. I prefer not to be your only contact. I think you should depend on your family. I wish you the best!"
The doctor had no right to lay any responsibility on you. Subtly laying a guilt-trip on you; so he'd have a scapegoat if his treatment isn't effective enough. Clever, but unfair.
You must take a stance, because they are all dumping responsibility for her in your lap. Back-out gracefully, or you can just change your number; and discontinue the friendship altogether. Nobody has the right to force you into responsibility for anyone. It's either voluntary, or none at all.
We are our brother's/sister's keeper; but that does not mean we can't share that responsibility, or take a little time-off for rest. You should call the doctor back and tell him you feel he was wrong to impose his patient's care on you; when that is what he is paid to do! He knows how to reach her family, and you suggest he do that from now on!
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