A
female
age
41-50,
*ofo
writes:Hi, I am 30yrs old and I just found out that I am pregnant 3 days ago. Me and my partner have been together for 2 years he already has 3 children and his reaction when I told him I was pregnant was like I ruined his life. We did use birth control but as you know nothing is 100%. I on the other hand was very happy when I found out. Being that this will be my first child at 30 I feel really blessed. I am so hurt by his reaction I know he wants me to have an abortion he keeps telling me that he is not ready for any more children at this time, he's not ready. Now our relationship seems so weird I don't know what is in store for us. Is there any hope for this situaton?
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female
reader, unorthodox.philosopher  +, writes (25 September 2009):
Just quickly to note that I opt for the abortion option at this stage. There's no point bringing a child to the earth given that he/she would not have an intact family. I was brought up in one of these and my childhood wasn't happy because everyone else had a intact family and I didn't. Besides, rising a kid alone is a massive project for a woman. Think about the prospect of your future partners, most men have issues of having children let alone a woman come with children of her own.
A
female
reader, unorthodox.philosopher +, writes (25 September 2009):
Well,we can see he's got a lot of baggage already. It's very understanding that he doesn't want anymore children. If i were you, I would have discussed these issues with him from early on. It's clearly unfair to you as his personal preference deprived your right to keep the baby. Regards to the future of your relationship, you really need to think about some issues carefully. He's now giving you some space to think about what you expect from him. He made it clear he doesn't want anymore children "at this time", in which never ever in this case. There are two options for you: either decide to be with him and not having kids of your own, or leave him to find someone else who is on the same page as you.Are you willing to accept the option of never having a kid of your own in your life span? Clearly you aspire for having children of your own, while you think that you love him very much and willing to compromise with him. But think about in the next 10 years, it would not be an option for you anymore because of biological reasons. Love in modern days should not involve too much sacrificesin my opinion, because one day we will wake up and realised we're not ourselves anymore. we will suffer remorse and even resent the fact that we have been wasting time with someone who "forced" us to compromise instead of the other way around. If he really loves you, why can't he respect your aspiration? Having another kid for him is clearly no more sacrifice than not having the option to have a kid for you. I would leave him to find someone else If I were you sweetheart.All the best, let me know how you think.
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A
female
reader, mofo +, writes (25 September 2009):
mofo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off I thank everyone for their input it really helped. This was my first time writing on one of these advise columns. I just wanted some advise from someone who had no emotional attachment to me. Once again alot of the advise was great but as you know I did not put every single detail into my question. FYI for birdynumsnums my partner is actually a great father and is involved daily in all 3 of his children's lives. So as I look forward my number one priority is myself and this baby and I just hope everything works out. In the long run no matter what happens I know I will be a great mom. Thank you so much.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 September 2009):
There is. Men are good at getting scared and running away, and then coming around and thinking sensibly. You sound like you're ready, so don't have an abortion. That is your choice and yours alone. If you're ready to have the baby, you have it. Whatever happens, he has to maintain it legally. He'll either come around or won't. But you come first and that's it. Don't be forced into anything you don't want to do. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (24 September 2009):
 If you are happy to have this baby, if you think you are capable to raise this baby alone, then you better learn and start how to work on this responsibilities all alone by your self, dont wait for your partner decision, its only the time wil say if he will change his mind. Good luck..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): I am not surprised that he is shocoked and upset, he loves you but it'd be stressful having another child on the way. You didn't plan for this baby , in fact you have been using contraception, i am not surprised at all that he wants an abortion
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A
male
reader, OzBloke +, writes (24 September 2009):
Why is it in these situations people are quick to assume the worst of men?We know little of the partner in this story, only that he has hurts the OP's feelings by wanting an abortion.One reply accuses the partner of being "stupid" and "selfish" whilst another implies he is an unfit father and unfit partner. Wow.I don't recall the OP asking for people to give reasons to end her relationship with him or tell her how bad he is.-=-=-=-Regardless, I would think that the right thing to do is to talk this through with your partner. You need a united front. Spend as long as needed to try to find a solution together.If you can't, then you need to decide what is best for you. Don't take it lightly though, there's more people to be effected by this than you and your partner.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (24 September 2009):
 Who do you want to protect?
I think you already know the answer to your question, you just don't want to hear it. He isn't the best partner or the best father - is he?
I'd be hurt by his reaction too if I were you.
But, I still come back to, Who exactly do you want to protect?
If I were you, I would think of myself first, the baby second, and him afterwards - but that's just my take on things.
Bringing a child into the world is a 20+ year commitment and you may wind up being badly disappointed by this guy, for whatever reason. He does have a track record of leaving kids behind. Just a thought...
You are perfectly capable of raising the child on your own, but I would think long and hard about how I felt about the child's father. You should consider that you may need to emotionally divorce yourself from this guy in order to go through this pregnancy and raise this child alone. Only you know if you are strong enough to do this.
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A
female
reader, kathy255 +, writes (24 September 2009):
My friend told his girlfriend of 13 years the same thing, now their newest son is 7 and they are still together and he loves his son more than anything. Hopefully he will come around and accept the baby. Please do not abort/kill an innocent child, for the sake of a selfish man. He is probably just nervous men are stupid at times. Ask him what he would do if you if you decide to keep the child, find out where he stands. If he wants to bolt let him, he is not worth it then.
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