A
male
age
36-40,
*xSABBYxx
writes:Ok so here goes...After 9 years together and nearly two years Married, My partner has had a so called affair.I found out in June that he met another guy from an IPHONE app called Grindr, and this fella he met came into our home on 3 occasions, and one other occasion in his Car.Firstly i should add that we both have been on the app, my reasons where honestly for chats and friends, which was always clearly stated on my profile, and i was labelled as happily partnered etc. I found out from the other guy whom asked me a few questions on the app and realised i was his partner, but decided to tell me all the sordid details about there meets in October/November last year 2011.Im completley at a loss and do not know what to do...I understand that being ono those apps arnt a great idea, but i was always honest and never was ever going to intentionally meet anyone. I have 2 people on it i consider friends and have never sent rude pictures too. I sent one rude picture once to a random guy i spoke to on a few occasions, but my partner was there and we done it together.I feel like its my fault and should never have let the app be apart of our relationship, but it was as i thought open and honest with both of us..but seeminly it wasnt. He was also on other apps which i found out about and checked those, and the pictures etc he sent were of himself and describing what he wants to do, or happen to him, and the replies were the same. Im not sure what to think or were to go..i dont want to leave but feel im completley lost and dont know what to do..H said he dosnt know why he met this person 4 times and it wasnt really nice (which my reply was once isnt nice but 4 times must be good)what dosnt help is we just bought our first home together...Any advice is helpful.... :(
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male
reader, Biffo +, writes (1 September 2012):
You've got to ask and answer yourself the following five questions HONESTLY:
1) My partner has cheated on me. Do I love him enough to continue the relationship?
2) My partner has cheated on me a second time. Do I love him enough to continue the relationship?
3) My partner has cheated on me a third time. Do I love him enough to continue the relationship?
4) My partner has cheated on me a fourth time. Do I love him enough to continue the relationship?
5) My partner has cheated on me four times that I know about and how many other times that I do not know about. Probably numerous. Therefore he is a serial cheater. Do I love him enough to continue the relationship?
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 grindr/gaydar is not a good idea if you are in a relationship. the only kind of gay men i am interested in are ones whose pants i can get into.
anyone on grindr for "friendship" is being ridiculous, you make friends in real life, those apps are for sex and rarely a relationship when you have problems meeting other gay men in real life.
the real issue is do you think your relationship can survive this and will there be trust? also you have to factor in the house. is it worth staying together for the sake of your mortgage? lots to consider- anyway good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): Hi,
I am not going to be judgemental even if it was something you both joined, the fact is that your boyfriend cheated on you and 4 times. The decision of ending or continuing the relationship is yours but if his actions caused you pain, you may have to end the relationship. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, young-man  +, writes (19 July 2012):
You said you are at a loss due to this situation and don't know what to do? Firstly, please both you and your boyfriend remove grindr or jackd and any other networking apps that are designed and used solely for meeting people for sex. You do not meet "friends" on these apps.
Often when one partner cheats, the couple break up. However it sounds like you love your boyfriend so much that you don't want to break up. So now we turn to your boyfriend, does he love you as much as you love him? Obviously not as he is the one who cheated. So, does he love you enough that he will try to work harder in being monogamous with you?
It will be difficult for him unless you are both completely honest with each other moving forward, and communicate as much as possible about every little feeling and thought you both have. He will need to reflect on his issues such as why he cheated and what he wants in his life, and whether he actually wants you in his life.
I myself am still with my boyfriend just gone 10 years together, and I cheated on him about six years ago. We worked through that affair at the time, mainly because my partner's love was strong enough to forgive me. However, to this day I am not sure that staying together was the right decision for us. I'm happy to provide any other advice if it can help you.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 Let's think about this:
You both enrolled in the app and you were honest about what you were looking for - but why did you send a "rude picture" to one of the men on it? That really wasn't a good idea, as you now realize.
BUT your partner met with one of those guys FOUR times. Once would have been bad enough. He may well have rationalized that since you sent that photo, it gave him cart blanch to take things a step further, unbeknownst to you at the time.
But that's no excuse! Sounds to me like he simply wanted to indulge in a brief affair, without considering the fact that you and he were (supposedly) in a committed relationship - which means, you don't cheat on your partner.
No wonder he says he "doesn't know why he met this person four times." Besides, if "it wasn't really nice" then why did he repeat it three more times? Seems to me he's lying to you and attempting to "justify" his selfish, unfaithful behavior.
You can ask him for an explanation if you like, but I think it's pretty obvious. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 July 2012):
 Congratulations on getting your first home, and I am sorry it has come along with some terrible news about your partner. This is just my personal opinion, but I feel he should be able to give you some kind of reason as to why he cheated. He cheated because he was bored. He cheated because he was feeling lonely. He cheated because...? If he cannot be upfront and honest, I don't think this relationship is going to survive. Communication and honesty are the most important things in a relationship. If you don't have that, it is over. I would talk with him about it again and ask him to really think about why he did what he did. Unless he is serious about changing or you are interested in being in an open relationship, I am not sure how this will work out.
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