A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had our first big fight last night. He mentioned that he was asked to hang out with his ex. This is an ex who, a couple of months ago, has confessed she wants to give their relationship another chance, they apparently still talk (text) regularly, and I even found this woman's underwear in his drawer a few months ago, which he said he forgot about and they had been there for a long time. He said she has had a boyfriend for a few months and that she's happy, so I shouldn't be worried about this. We got into this argument last night because he doesn't see why I might have a problem with this scenario. And what tipped me over the edge during our argument was that while I was laying in bed (keeping to myself and thinking about what had happened), he was texting her. (He said he was simply deleting a text she had sent him that said, "Hey, how are you tonight?")I know this is wrong, but I asked if I could see their conversation on his phone, and he said no, that he had already deleted the entire thread.I trust him, I just don't understand why he would want to entertain this "friendship" with this other woman, knowing that I feel it undermines our relationship. I was very hurt, and we did end up coming to some reconciliation, but I am still not 100% over these feelings of uneasiness. We've been dating for a year, and I think that we're at the point that this sort of thing should not be an issue. Am I wrong to be upset over this? Or just being a psycho girlfriend?
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (21 July 2012):
 Yes, Anonymous, both can be FRIENDLY, but not friends. There are those rare instances where two people can put aside (bury or numb themselves to) ALL of their caring, romantic, and sexual feelings for one another and be on FRIENDLY TERMS. "Friends", I highly doubt. But then I have a very specific definition of what a friend is. One person always expects more. That is not coming from someone who has been scorned, it is coming from someone who has tried to be friends with an ex herself, and who has seen others try to do it without success. Most of us don't post on here because we've been scorned, we post because we know human nature and have experience.
I do not think it has much to do with maturity. I know plenty of very mature people who have had very mature endings who could not be friends because upon seeing their partner, they felt the love they always did and could not feel any different if they tried. That's called "being a human being" not necessarily "being mature". So, they had to move on, still being on FRIENDLY terms when they would see one another at the grocery or whatever.
As with every OP, she has the choice to try out whatever she wants and see what works/doesn't work for her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo everyone who responded: Thank you so much for your input. You really helped a lot.
Just to give a follow-up... We didn't really talk much for a day or two, then got together and established that boundaries need to be set. I informed him that I think the extent of the relationship with his ex is inappropriate and that I expect (and deserve) for him to make better choices in the name of our relationship. Since this is the first impropriety on his part, I've decided to let it go and just be more mindful in the future. Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (19 July 2012):
 "Anonymous poster": IMHO You are way off base in stating that "all you posters have been scorned and have an ax to grind." You can't possibly know that, now can you?
For myself, when a relationship ended (whether it was my decision or "his") I had no wish to attempt to maintain contact. Both people need to go their separate ways and move on. Admittedly, it MAY occasionally happen that they run into the ex months or even years later, and there is sufficient distance that they can be friends or acquaintances.
Look at the circumstances of the OP. Her boyfriend admitted that his ex wants to try to give that past relationship another chance - knowing that SHE has another bf, and he has another gf. That is very different to attempting to be "good friends,"even if they have been broken up for (presumably) more than a year. Not only that, but where's her sense of loyalty to the man she's now dating? To say nothing of respecting the fact that the OP's boyfriend is now in (presumably) a committed relationship?
One more thing for you to chew on: don't you think it's a bit rich (note of sarcasm here) for the two of them to be in bed together and he's sending a text to his former girlfriend? Could he not have had the restraint to at the very least send it when he was on his own? Though whether he should be sending texts at all is questionable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): To be honest if he is not concerned about how you feel, he is not that into you. I will bet my money he has unresolved feelings for his ex. Probably both have unresolved feelings. This could go either way - he realise after meeting her that those feelings are not what they used to be or the fact that he is still in love with her. As hard as it maybe. Before he go on his date set him free. If he loves you he will come back to you. For now just let him go as you are going to make yourself miserable over the fact that he will continue to text, email, phone and see her. He clearly cares more about her than your feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): It seems all you posters are scorned and have an ax to grind. you can be friends with exes if their was a level of maturity and understanding between the parties. I know it has been unlikely for most but some do have friendly relationships after breaking up especially if it was a mutual and mature ending.
the deleting does look suspicious but is that a common habit for him to delete his text messages? I delete my threads consistently I understand him not letting you see messages or phone especially if you are asking to fulfill some need to verify if you had never done it before or had a reason to.
look at the breadth of the actions between you and he. if you have had trust then what does it matter whom s/he is friends with at this point?
If i was him i would now question you and your level of trust for him because it seems you let your jealousy run a muck, sorry to say. For you to question his trustworthiness because you have feeling of uneasiness, I acknowledge yeah you feel uneasy but if you truly trusted him then that should have won out over any feeling of possible deceit or betrayal...
so i leave you with a piece of Grecian wisdom:
TO THY OWN SELF BE TRUE.
you do not trust this man like you have stated, so recognize what you find distrustful about him and address it with him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 July 2012):
 I think the key phrase in your submittal is this one:
"...I trust him,".
DON'T!!!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): You, in my opinion, have every right to feel unease and to be uncomfortable about the entire situation.Exes are exes for a reason and I've never understood why people keep in touch with theirs (unless they have children together) especially while they currently have a bf/gf.You said you have been together a year? And you trust him? But he wouldn't show you the conversation? I don't think that's too much to ask if its all innocent, why would he delete it without letting you see it? Why aren't you allowed to go with him when they "meet up"? That doesn't make any sense to me.HE shouldn't be meeting up with her in the first place. Would he be comfortable with this situation if it was you and your ex?You said you and he have been together a year, well after a year, he should care enough about you to care more about your feelings on the subject and not his exes. He should stop talking to her and not meet up with her because you are uncomfortable with it. That's the end.I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): No you are definitely not the psycho girlfriend. No woman would feel happy with this scenario and most would feel a lot of unease. As the other posters have said men and women who have been in a relationship cannot be friends as one is always holding a torch or waiting to rekindle the relationship. I find it very suspect that your boyfriend had deleted the whole thread of the text, that is just too convenient, he just didn't want to show the contents to you. I have been in a similar situation and eventually I had to ask my partner to cease the texting altogether or our relationship would be over. He stopped for a while and then I found to my horror that they were still texting he had just given her a man's name on his phone. Very sneaky.
There is little you can do here other than say as you already have that the texting etc undermines your relationship and explain that if it was role reversal he might not like it as it is not wise to give an ultimatum as men don"t behave well to these. I would continue to watch the frequency of the contact and then think again carefully about what the best thing to do is.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 July 2012):
You are not wrong and it DOES undermine your relationship. There is no reason he should be seeing her. Contrary to popular belief, men and women cannot be friends unless they are just colleagues, neighbors, or acquanitances. Men and women who have been in a relationship and at one time had sexual feelings for one another definitely can't be "just friends". If he cares about you, he would not be communicating with or going to see any other women. Have you confronted him over his reasons for wanting to do this? There should not be any logical reason for why he wants this. My opinion is that they should also not be talking/texting regularly. At some point, you may need to give him an ultimatum because this is not good on his part.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 Hi
Nope your not being paranoid or psycho, this woman has not let go of your boyfriend. He either understands your feelings and stops the contact or gets back with her.
You may have been together a year but it doesnt mean he isn't still wondering what if with regards to her.Shes the elephant in the room here
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (18 July 2012):
No, you're not wrong, and you are not being pyscho.
Look: they were once dating but then split up - for whatever reason. That is now beside the point. She apparently now has a boyfriend of her own, and is aware of the fact that you are in relationship with her ex, BUT she chooses to lay that aside because she wants to get back together with the man who is now your boyfriend.
This is a lot of nonsense! The thing is that once a couple decide to break things off it is not expected or wise for one of them to attempt to remain "friends." Usually its the one who was dumped and can't get over it that wants this as a means of maintaining a shred of hope that things can be rekindled. Doesn't work. The problems and issues that caused the breakup in the first place, unless resolved will still be "in play" even if they do get back together, with the result being another breakup in a few months or so
Your boyfriend, if he is serious about his relationship with you, has NO BUSINESS texting, calling or seeing this other gal. NONE whatsoever.
Finally, IF he really does want to give it another go with her then he should end it with you first. I know you would be very upset and hurt, but at least it would be the decent thing to do.
I hope this helps and sorry to hear of this trouble.
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A
female
reader, natt +, writes (18 July 2012):
well, i had the same things happening a while ago with my bestfriend and her boyfriend with eachothers exs, that is very wrong for either you or him talk to your exs that is just bringing back memory of eachother and of everything they did before he got with you, oviously he is hiddien things in his phone if without you asking for his phone he is deleteing a text tht only said hi how are you tonight, i am sorry but you or anybody would delete a text like that , i mean if it was even that what she send.. and you have all the rights to check your mans phone, because either way he shouldnt be talking to any girl and its bad as it is that he is still talkin to his ex... sit down with him and have a serious talk about eachothers relationship how you guys feel for eachother, and last but not least talk about this girl because she will be the reason for the end of your relationship or war between you two...... hope this helps a bit goodluck nd your welcome
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