A
male
age
41-50,
*lick
writes:I feel it might help me to write on this forum to ask for advice.I have been with my current partner for almost 6 years and we have a 14 months old girl when I discovered she cheated on me.We are not married as both did not want to, but have been living together for 4 years. Its been one month since she cheated physically. She had been chatting with an old school friend that leaves abroad for around 6 months previous to the cheating.Eventually he travelled back to our part of the country and that is when she went out with him and slept over. She did it twice in 3 days. 2 nights she slept out with him and I now know she did organize everything from booking him an hotel and seeing him. The first night she slept out with him she came back home like nothing had happend, the day after that she slept out again and when she came home I started suspecting something.I have been real dum. I have had the worst last 6 month at work ever. I had to lay off half of my employes and had to climb mirrors every months to make it without shutting down, so I have been real focused on work and really stressed out and distant with her as she in turn had been more and more aggressive with me in the last 6 months.Now that I look back I should have given the right weight to all the signals she had been giving me about her relationship with this guy. She was alway chatting with him and occasionally talking about him. I did displayed a bit of concerned to her but I was too worried about work to pay the right attention to this. I did figure it all out the day after the 2nd cheating when I started monitoring remotely her computer, I saw her chats talking to her friends about it and so on. So I found everything out and moved out of the house to a friend house where I now live.When I confronted her with it she at first tried to deny it, and then as I was firm admitted it and said it was my fault because I have been very distant and not caring about her enough and that she was not sorry that it was nothing serious and he was just a good friend who helped her out in a difficult moment.The true is that she has fall in love with him (he is in a serious relationship already and living with gfriend) and she still chats with him and says is just a good friend and does not wanna end her "friend" relationship.We have started counseling and she says she wants to go back together. I don't love her anymore and I do not think she loves me either as she told me right after the affair. However I am truly worried about our child and about starting a new life as I did really envision our life together for ever for the last 6 years. My heart tells me both, that I should try to mend things up and also to let her go as I can't trust her anymore and I can find a better partner.Among other reasons she is unhappy is that we don't go travelling abroad enought (all our friends do but their income is subsidized by their families), she his unhappy work wise as she would like a better job that she can't find and blames it on the pregnancy which she blames on me (althought she loves our child and is a great mom), we live in a small apt (our subsidized friends have bigger apt), I try to run a house budget so we can do some savings and she resents it and so on.I am really not sure what to do. Thanks in advance for your kind suggestions. Sorry I have been rather long.
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affair, at work, cheated on me, moved out Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ulick +, writes (5 June 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the question Just an update for the record.
I am an idiot and after my last message I still forgave her with the tought that anyway the she said she was just emailing him and nothing else as he lives very far away.
Well well, I have now caught her again! We broke it off and ever since that her behaviour has been appalling, well beyond decency.
Which would be OK if we did not have a kid together!
A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (12 January 2011):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your answers.
In the end I forgave her and decided to stay in the relationship possibly to have another child so our girl doesn't stay single child.
Anyway I just found out that she still chatting with dude she cheated with.
I am really appalled.
I will break it off this time.
The hard thing is how to do it, how to organize things and so on.
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (25 March 2010):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Weramazing, Hi jaime90.
Thanks for your replies.things have evolved a bit in the last weeks. We have been trying to keep things together a bit. I have been sleeping at times at her place after watching our daughter when my night shift was on (we have divided the free nights during the week). I have to say that I have been very sexually active with her which I am not sure really why but as I read in other boards is some natural reaction to competing sexual partners. Anyway this has really not made things any better. She still unregretful and chatting online with mens. She did up to 10 days ago kept checking the profile of her lover and so on untill in counseling they forced her to cancel him which she did in the end but really sadden. On my part I can't find anywhere the strenght to trust her at all and I still have little respect for her in me. I have been going out with friends but I don't really blend in and have a sort shadow behind me that prevents me from having real fun or actively pursuing another partner. This transition period is real hard.
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (10 March 2010):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry guys now that I see it I realise this is rather long...arghhh
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A
female
reader, Weramazing  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Hi
firstly you sound like a really nice guy. I'm rea sorry to hear about what happened.
Going on what you have written it's over between you and her. It is so sad and difficut to let go of what you planned and saw as your 'future' but the truth is she has crossed the line and doesn't even think she has done anything wrong.
You didn't deserve this at all so what if you have been distant because of work not am excuse to cheat actually a reason for her to support you more. We are in a recession I'm sure lots of people are in your situation too do their partners cheat on them? No.
This isn't going to work she doesn't love you anymore and that's clear and you said you do not love her. So no love and no trust just isn't going to work.
As for your daughter don't worry everything will be fine as long as you both continue to be good parents to her that is all that matters.
Don't waste any time trying to work things out when it's over. I know it will be tough but it will be harder to stay in a relationship where the trust has gone then to move on and make way for someone better.
In the future you will meet someone new who appreciates you and will be loving and faithful to you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Its not your fault she cheated.. you may have neglected her but we are responsible for our own actions, and reactions. she made the decision to cheat, she could have came to you with the problem but she chose to be with another man. this is not fair on you, i'm sorry.
if you do not love her then do not stay with her just for your child's sake. my parents did that for a while and it just made me and my sister resent them. we knew they were unhappy, they were constantly fighting and getting mad at us, then they separated and it was the best for everyone.
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