A
female
age
30-35,
*m9hi
writes:Im 16, when i was about 3 or 4 my mum and dad went thorught a really bad divorce, because my mum was cheating on my dad, as i was to young to know, i stayed with them both, and i still stay with them both, my brother only stays with my mum though he doesnt see my dad, and my mum dosnt know that i know she cheated on my dad. We were on holiday this week, and my mums partner purposed to her and she said yes, i dont get along with him, he never talks to me only talks to my brother, also he is the man that broke up my family, so to say the least im not happy about the wedding and she asked me to be the cheif bridesmaid, i dont even want to go to the wedding, or even make any atempt to talk to my mums partner, as he has had over 12 years to make the attempt with me.What should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): ok, i have read your response. your intention may be good but sometimes we need to choose our battles and this one is best left well alone. it is up to yor mum to see the sh1t for who she is marrying. only time will tell what he is really about. there is just so much of evil, hatred going on bet this man and your dad. sorry to say this but maybe your dad is better of without your mum. if she could turn against him then he doesn't need her in his life. you are a good daughter. you want the best for them boh but sometimes we as adults have to fall in the sh1t before we learn from our mistakes.so please try doing this. make peace with the fact that she is with this man. love your dad for who he is. be his ally and don't give up on him. try being indifferent to this other man. no matter what he does just ignore it. do not invest any energy on him. in that way you will not be disappointed and you will not have any expectations. i know you are hurtung but your mum will not listen. do not fret over it. she will not chnage her mind. maybe in the future she will really see what she has gotten herself into. you just enjoy your life. enjoy your youth. hey and enjoy the wedding. be her bridesmaid. you are her daughter. make a promise to yourself to just be happy. it will be hard work bu you can do it. as for your others cheating. she will have to answer for this one day. this should not worry you. you just love your dad and one day (i hope soon) your brother will also see the real dad he actually is. good luck
A
female
reader, lm9hi +, writes (9 October 2009):
lm9hi is verified as being by the original poster of the question Im not selfish or spoiled, iv been throught a lot in life and mostly by my self, i didnt want to go in to great detail, but the reason i dont talk to my mums partner is because of things hes done in the past, he did talk to me when i was younger and he tryed to turn me against my dad saying he took drugs ect, when it was his meddication because he was deppressed, he also sent his friends to smash up my dads house and car ect, my dad dose not have a job becuse of health issues, and he could not afford to refix this, also when i got knocked down my dad come to the hospital to visit me and he told the nurses that i had a police order agaisnt my dad and that he wasnt allowed to come near me so he got sent way, there is other things but i wont get into detail, when i said to my mum about these she did not believe me, he had twisted my mums head and now she hates my dad, he also turned my big brother against my dad, and i know my brother has a briain of his own before you say that. My dad gave my brother check one day for hitten me, and my mums partner turned him against my dad saying he was evil ect, my mums partner also phoned the police on my dad saying he was incapable of looking after me and my brother when we were younger, and we got taken off my dad, he said he didny fed us properly, which was total rubbish.
Can you see now why i dont want my mum to marry him?
i know its not all about me i love my mum and want her to be happy but i also have to think of my self at some points in life, and not let everyone walk all over me, its time i stick up for my self!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): You need to work on this... odds are the situation is hurting you alot more than him (or your mom)... Things like this can eat away at us, while doing NOTHING to the person we're pissed off at.I've gone through stuff like this before and someone told me something that made me think "you're the stupidist MF I've ever met"- but they were right... and I don't go to church and don't pray alot...They told me that if I prayed for the person in my life that had screwed me over and that I was really mad at, that in a month I'd no longer be mad at them... we, I was so miserable (it was eating me up) that I gave up and tried it. After two weeks the pain was 90% gone. After another week I realized that I'd been hurting myself and that he didn't even know I was mad... I didn't make it to the 4th week... no need...Now, am I hanging out with this person, no, but do I hate him, no... and I'm not constantly replaying the 'tapes' in my mind about how he screwed up my life...Hope this helps... life's too short to let anger hurt you.
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 I agree with the other two aunts, after 12 years you need to get over this and make the best of it. It is your mother's fault that she cheated on your father, if you want to blame anyone. But again, like one of the other two aunts, it's probably a lot more complicated than that. Obviously, for whatever reasons that only they know, your mother and father didn't want to be together or weren't meant to be together. What you need to do with this is to come to an acceptance of this and make the best of it, because life always goes on, with or without you. And another thing, I know you may not believe this, but a lot of times it is better for a couple to divorce than to stay together in an unhappy marriage, because then they make life hell for the kids. I know this from personal experience, because my own parents would have been better off divorced, as far as I am concerned.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Ok, first of all, he didn't break up your parents marriage. If your Mum was happy with your Dad she wouldn't have been playing up with someone else. Your Mum chose to break up her first marriage, so if you want to be angry at someone it should be at her. Next, she's been with this man been for 12 years...don't you think it's about time you stopped blaming people and got over it? Last, you say you're not happy about them getting married. Well, I hate to be the one to drop this bombshell on you, but everything isn't about YOU. Maybe I've misinterpreted your post, but you do sound like you're a bit selfish and spoiled, and maybe that's why he doesn't speak to you much. Your post puts out a bad vibe, so I'm guessing you probably do too. Good luck
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 October 2009):
 I think that after 12 years, you might actually try and open up to your mother's partner.
It would seem after all this time, she probably truly loves him; and I am guessing he truly loves her.
Perhaps all these years he's been afraid to talk to you. And so he's been aloof. But if you really try, and if you do this for yourself and your mom, maybe things will work out.
Understand that she's entitled to be happy too. And I cannot believe that she loves you any less than the day you were born.
Inasmuch as you may resent that this man "broke" up your family, its probably a lot more complicated than that.
Sometimes couples lose interest in each other. Its not your fault or anyone else's but it happens. And there's nothing you can do about that.
What if it happened that your parents stayed together and for the last 12 years all they did was fight, and were both miserable? Then what? Would that have made things any better?
Probably not.
But, you do have two parents and I would think both your mom and your dad love you. And that's what matters.
The fact that your mom's partner and she have finally decided to marry shouldn't be upsetting to you. They have that right, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be happy for your mom at least. She wants to be happy and some day if you choose to find someone, whether you marry or not; I'd think she'd want the same thing for you. That is for you to be happy.
That's all. No one's asking you to live your life for your mom. But she wants you to be a part of her life, and her marriage is a part of her life too. And so are you. So its natural that she wants you to be there and to participate.
There's some resentment there. I know. But if you try and accept this man as the man your mom loves, then there's nothing wrong with that. You're not betraying your father. He has his own life and has had his own life for 12 years now.
At the very least, if you and her partner make peace between you, there's always a chance of making life better for everyone, including yourself.
Its worth a try. You have nothing to lose. At the very least your mom will know that you love her and you're willing to do something for her.
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