A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have recently had an argument with my mother in law my severely disabled son attacked me , he pulled my hair and my head back and forth several times, I now have terrible pains on my back and neck. I can cope with that but during the attack my husband kept saying it was my fault and that I deserved to get what I’m getting that he should have hit me harder. He said that my son hates me but not him. I am continually being told that I am evil that I am useless. I am a fat useless *** most of the time, continual putdowns. He mocks me and laughs at me. I have been crying over my son going away he shouts at me saying how long this is going to go on and the makes mock crying sounds, Booooooo Hoooooooo, Boooooooo Hooooooooo. She has decided not to believe me, I needed her to talk to him for me at least for my sons sake. My husband wanted my son to go into care , threatening me with suicide if I did not agree and with divorce I needed support. I needed some one to shout my corner and put him on track occasionally. My mother in law could have chose to work with me or against me, she chose to work against me. All that’s she says is I support my son. I gave her the number for social services all that she was concerned about was whether her son was going to look like the baddie. I try Just so I can have to find joy in an activity I enjoy. You need that escape. Okay I go on facebook which I am constantly critisied for, why? Because I am being isolated. She is in hospital now she has just had a routine op, I will get the blame for all this and I don’t feel like speaking to her again. How would you all approach her? She has always supported her son and never listened to me I have had enough. I really don’t feel like I want to speak to her again but I am a Christian and know I have to forgive. I shouted at her and called her a despicable horrid woman, all her other grandchildren ( who are her step-grandchildren have all achieved, gone to public schools etc. I said that my son is an embarrassment to the family and I will fight her and my husband not to have him put away. She said again I support my son. And I screamed down the phone and I will support mine and I will fight you. I don’t know what to say to this woman when I come face to face with her she will be sickly sweet. Thanks for your advice in anticipation.
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female
reader, Slippers +, writes (5 December 2016):
Did you post about this before but more how your husband is leaving and divorcing you etc .. If so I would not be looking for assistance from any of his family .. where are your family.. friends .. Do they offer support . Are you able to ask them ?
There is carer UK who provide fantastic support .plus autism UK who will also provide support . I remember if you were the op posting as her son was autistic and becoming violent and her hubby was a nightmare .. and my response was going to be at that time . Let your husband leave . Your son behaviour may be escalating due to him .. If your are that op she was working and her husband was at home .. you never know what he was saying to their son behind her back .
As a mental health worker (rmn) you need to make sure you get the right support .
Don't worry about what to say .. just be civil and you make sure you have people in your corner because certainly if you are the same op .. your husband and mil are not the ones you need
A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (5 December 2016):
Did you post about this before but more how your husband is leaving and divorcing you etc .. If so I would not be looking for assistance from any of his family .. where are your family.. friends .. Di they offer support . Are you able to ask thm ?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 Your mother in law is not going to help, she is not going to side with you over her son. You need to learn that. What you need to do is look after yourself. Therefore if your husband is so bad then divorcee him. If he is draining the life from you then end it. Concentrate on you and your son. Your son needs professionals looking after him it is in his best interest if he is physically harming you. I am glad he is being assessed. Now you need to concentrate on getting yourself away from your husband if he is treating you so bad, your mother in law is not going to save you, you need to do that yourself.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 In a perfect world your MIL would stay out of family affairs, stay neutral unbiased OR take part as a support person, give you respect, be fair, give her wisdom of experiences and lend a helping hand. Here she does neither but drives a wedge between you and your suicidal divorce threatening husband. 'How proud she must be of a son like he?'
Sadly whenever you’ve reached out for her support with your hand in 15 years, she's always grabbed her Son's hand time and time again, leaving you to struggle. Under your circumstances I grant you, she has acted despicably. I have no good words for your husband.
Yes forgive us and those who trespass against us... and lead us not into temptation to give those who trespass against us a piece of our mind. Remember HIS will be done not ours. Amen
Yes it’s a hard road to walk at times, a heavy load some of us are here to bear, but remember you are NEVER alone for strength and support from your Higher Power. Draw courage from your faith, you know the answer of how to speak and handle your MIL. Their day will come.
CAA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 December 2016):
 I think you need to leave your MIL out of it. If you already know she isn't a supportive person then don't waste your time, NOR is it HER job to keep her son in line. Sorry, he is a GROWN MAN and should know how to behave by now. His mom can't change that.
And secondly, you need to look for some assistance with your son. If you want him to remain at home with you, then see what there are of offers of people to come and help you out during the day. I agree, USE the number your MIL gave you.
I get that you don't want to put him in an institution, but some smaller group home might work MUCH better for him AND you. Doesn't mean you can't spend time with him or that you have abandoned him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 December 2016):
 I think you are wasting your time even imagining your MIL is going to side with you, regardless of how badly her son behaves. It hasn't happened yet, in all these years, so why would you hold out hope it will EVER happen? Why are you looking to her for support? Where are the rest of your family in all this? Where are your friends?
Have you joined any support groups for parents of autistic children? There you could share your concerns about your son with other parents who are/have been in the same boat, who will understand and, hopefully, help support you.
In your shoes I would be looking for ways to get away from such an abusive relationship (abuse is not just physical), but we are all different.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 December 2016):
 I can only imagine the pain and stress that you are feeling right now. I'm a mother and I know how hard it would be for me to admit that perhaps my child needed to be put into a facility. With that being said though, you do need to look out for yourself. Maybe you are just too close to the situation and cannot see things the way that your husband an MIL can. You should consider what AuntyBimBam said. You don't give your son's age but I'm assuming mid 20's at least and I'm sure he's strong. He could really hurt you hun without meaning to. I am unsure of the health care system in Canada but in the US you can get people to come out and help you with a situation like yours. Trained people to help with your son if you really don't want to put him someone else. I'd certainly check into it! My grandmother had a special needs child and had people come out every day, so did my mother as my father got older. It took alot of strain and stress off of her.
I agree that your husband is being very unkind. I'm not sure if I'd put up with that tbh. I guess it depends on how much you love him and want him around. He's very unkind.
Remember that blood is thicker than water...I don't think you can really expect your MIL to side with you over your son honey. I wouldn't count on her support for anything. I'd stop looking to her for comfort and go to friends or your own family, go online to find support groups...anyone that will listen to you and offer advice..not belittle you.
I was extremely fortunate and had a wonderful MIL..she actually would almost always take my side over her son and he was her "baby" but she was so kind to me and treated me just like a daughter. I know very few women are probably as lucky as I was though. I would have very minimal contact with your MIL if she stresses you out that much. It just isn't worth it. Start looking for ways to help yourself sweetie. I'm your age and I could not handle battling with a husband and his mother. I just wouldn't do it...not along with trying to take care of a child with special needs.
Take care of yourself first ok? You NEED to! I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2016): yes we have done all that my son is being reassessed my husband called the number, the doctors and social workers are deciding what to do with my son. I know my health is at risk I have whiplash from the attack. I want to know what to say to my mother in law. The fact my son has to go away makes no difference. She has never supported me my husband does not hit me. But why should I be spoken to like that why should I be treated like this.
My son is autistic and going through puberty that's why he is aggressive, There is a respite place that are prepared to do some work with him, and I want to stick by him and help him. Why should I be treated like this. My question is not what to do about my son but how to handle my mother in law when I next see her. She has never supported me ever over 15 years this is not a new thing
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (4 December 2016):
 If your son is physically attacking you it is time to give some serious thought to seeking help outside of the family. I don't understand why you are prepared to be hurt, or as you say, to cope with it. You list your age as between 51 and 59. As you continue to age your body will weaken and it will be easier for your son to do some serious damage.
My suggestion is that you use the numbers you gave your mother in law and call social services yourself. Seek assistance from a social worker. I also strongly advise you to have your son reassessed, and if the professional advise is for your son to be placed in care ask if there is respite care for a few weeks to give you some space to weigh up all the pros and cons.
I understand this must be a difficult decision to make, but your husband has, quite strongly, let you know his feelings.
You cannot continue to live like this, something has to give, and unless you act quickly, that something will be your physical and mental health.
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