A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello I'd like some advice.This is probably all going to sound ridiculous but here goes. I am stuck in a bad relationship it has been bad since the very beggining my partner has done terrible things to me emotionally and physically and I've always been unhappy but kind of 'in love' I know it's sounds stupid so many people have said to me just leave him just get out and I hate myself for not doing it. I've broken up with him many times but I'm a very solitary person who doesn't make friends or meet people easily so I always end up going back out of loneliness..I know that's not a good enough reason but I can be very controlled by my emotions and depression.The last time we broke up he went to far and tried to hit me over nothing at all I immedianly left and didn't speak to him for a month until one night after a failed attempt at being social with an old freind left me feeling very low I awnsered his phone call and you know what happened from there..its been about 2 months now and he's been wonderful, seems to have really changed except I have changed now too..I do not love him anymore and I almost never feel desire for him. I hate myself when I miss him and I only feel real affection for him occasionally. He's noticed of course and he tries to make me feel better though lately hes become quite sulky, the stupid thing is that I feel sorry for him..I mourn what's lost.. Even though I hate the things he did I mourn my love for him.I feel controlled all over again I don't want to feel compassion for him when he's hardly ever shown me any but I do. If I could only replace him emotionally with someone else like a good freind things might change.I know I should joing a running group or an art class..something to get social with people but I have a stupid anxiety problem and find it so freaking hard to do.So basically I'm stuck because I'm afraid of loneliness and despite all the stuff he's put me through I feel sorry for him and can't face the break up talk again..I am too emphatic I hate hurting people.Also I had the worst panic attack of my life after we broke up last time and if anyone reading this has experienced a true panic attack you'll understand my fear of getting back into that situation.. I would not wish one on my worst enemy.Some people are probably going to respond negatively to this and tell me to get a life and take control, stop being silly (I'm trying) but I hope there are others out there that can appreciate the dilemma and offer some advice based on there experiences.Well anyway thanks for reading the enormous rambling post.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 You know what you need to do, so take steps to do it. Nobody likes break ups so yes it will be hard but you just need to be honest with him. Stop blaming yourself. He is the one that allowed you to fall out off love with him by mistreating you. He does not deserve you. Now you need to take measures to look after yourself. Have you tried CBT for your anxiety? Are you on medication? Get yourself to the doctor and talk to them about your different options. You need to stop allowing anxiety to control you. Now don't think I am saying it is easy as I know how hard it is. But take the right steps to try and get it under control. Maybe join online chat groups so you can talk to people while you get help?
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 December 2016):
 Have you had any sort of help or treatment for your depression and anxiety attacks? If not, that would be the first step for me. There is help out there if you are prepared to ask for it. Once you are stronger in yourself, getting out of this relationship will not seem nearly as frightening.
In the meantime, have a HUG and remember you deserve to be happy.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 December 2016):
 Overcoming your dilemma is going to take faith, self discipline and determination.
First, practice NOT saying nasty things about yourself. If you were overweight, you wouldn't need to keep telling yourself that, would you? If you have blonde hair, you don't need constant reminders of that either, right? So, stop it with this. You don't have to believe the positive right away, but you can start by not repeating the negative. Baby steps.
Second, when you think of breaking up with him imagine what you'll gain, instead of what you'll lose. Be realistic. I'm not talking about some immediate and miraculous transformation, but the immediate benefits. You won't have to pretend nothing is wrong or that you love someone you don't. Even if you can't think of others, revel in the freedom from expectations, the freedom from lies.
Third, accept who you are and don't try to take on too much at once. Your life doesn't have to resemble a beer ad for you to be happy. Perhaps an online social group, say a support forum for anxiety sufferers, a small book discussion group (real life or online). You could even simply start going to where people are without joining anything. The library might be good. It's quiet, you can spend a couple of hours there if you like and if you go often enough some of the staff and regulars might start greeting you or giving a friendly nod in passing. Remember, baby steps. You don't have to throw yourself in the deep end or make any commitments. Just get used to being around people with minimal expectations.
Finally, re-evaluate your definition of being a good person and doing the right thing. You're not obliged to love and trust someone just because they say 'sorry', just because they've changed, just because they're really trying. He had his chance. That's for him to regret, not you. He's been treated more than fairly and he can handle his setbacks, so let him. Give him the freedom to grow as a person. Don't block his opportunity to become a stronger, wiser, better person. And give yourself the same.
If he were starving, you'd give him food. If he'd suffered a medical emergency, you'd summon help. THAT is doing the right thing. We're not obliged to best buds with people who have harmed us.
Be more gentle and compassionate with yourself.
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