A
female
age
36-40,
*eenie
writes:my mom won't forgive my boyfriend. yes, he's bipolar and a recovering addict and has done some things that should be deemed unforgiveable (stealing $400 from her, flipping out on her etc.) but now he's in a mental rehabilitation home and even though he's been putting forth the effort to try to show her his behavior isn't the same, she still refuses to forgive him. I know it's her choice, but she also told me that if he can prove that his mental stability is getting better and he's getting help for it, she would think about it and is now going back on her word. For the past couple of days, he's been calling. One time said he's sorry and the other time he called and wished her a merry christmas. I know he wants to change and rekindle things w/ her. But she's being ignorant. All i wish for, is for him to be able to come over to my place like he used to. It hurts me because I know in my heart, that he's completely capable of being the person i know he is behind his past actions. And I've seen fairly positive results thus far and i just wish she were as forgiving as me. She tells me she doesn't want ANYTHING to do w/ him. But all i want is for the person i'm with, to have a good relationship w/ my parents. And I've been w/ him for over 2 years now and i believe he could very well be "THE ONE" when he is fully better. And I plan on being there for him for the long term. We've already been through SO much (his addiction, his mental/emotional breakdowns etc.) What do I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): Has your boyfriend returned the money he stole from your mother?
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (31 December 2010):
I just want to add that it also depends on how she views the world. My own mother feels that drug addicts and those with mental disorders like bipolar thrive on society´s understanding and that they should be dealt with harshly.
If your mom has pretty much the same view, trying to change her mind in favor of your bf will only piss her off. She will think people like your bf are weak because he fell for the temptation of drugs and let bipolar control his life. The fact he has been in and out of treatment will not speak in his favor either. He is simply not what she thinks of as an person worthy of her attention and she is probably frustrated that you are still with him.
Now, I can understand why you are getting irritated by her attitude towards you, but you have to realize that your bf is every parent's worst nightmare. It's honorable that you stayed to support him, but that does not mean your mom has to be happy about it.
Like I said, give it time. If your bf is really getting better like you say, his actions should prove this to her in time. She may never come to like him. But if he is consistent, stays away from drugs and keeps his bipolar in check, and MOST OF ALL is good for you, she will come to accept him eventually.
The only thing I can think of that may be received well by your mom is for your bf to come up to her and genuinely say "I can't change where I came from, but I can change where I'm going" and MEAN it.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (31 December 2010):
Yeah, but you need to put yourself in her shoes. If someone wanted to impose a relationship on you that you didn't want to have with someone would you really like it? It's understandable that you're annoyed that she gets upset and raises her voice at you, but she probably thinks very poorly of your boyfriend and doesn't want you or anything else to try to sway her opinion on him. Just give her time...she may act decently toward him one day but she probably won't ever like him. Like another poster said, she probably thinks you can do better than him and until you're married she doesn't really have any reason to accept or tolerate him.
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female
reader, Teenie +, writes (31 December 2010):
Teenie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was over a year ago that he stole money. And than they got into the argument 8 or 9 months ago. He is on medication and has been in and out of the hospital for a few years. I'm not making any sort of excuse for his behavior and saying he did no wrong. It's just frusterating that when i try to talk to my mom civilly and in a normal tone of voice about it, she still raises her voice and freaks out and won't listen to any sort of reason.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (28 December 2010):
 How long has your bf been in a mental rehabilitation home? HOw long ago did he steal from your mom and do all of those things? It's very hard to forgive people who have done horrible things to you and broken your trust. Trust takes time to rebuild and doesn't just happen over night.
Give your mom a break. If someone came into your house and you showed them trust and they stole from you could you forgive them right away? I'm sure your mom just needs time.
To forgive is an act of compassion and it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it.
She needs some time to forgive him in her own time. Good luck and I think it's awesome that you are standing by your man when most people would leave.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 December 2010):
She will accept him in her own time, not yours. She does not owe him anything and he's not precious to her in the way that you are. In other words, he doesn't mean anything to her and the only reason he's still in her life is you. She loves you, wants the best for you and a lying, stealing addict is usually not someone a parent considers worthy enough for their child. I don't care what excuses you make up for him, but the fact remains that his behaviour was bad and that right now you're paying the price for it. You're picking up humpty dumpty's pieces and it's a thankless job.
He will have to be REALLY consistent in this new and improved version of himself before she will be able to see past his actions. And this can take a long, long time. The point when she will forgive him is when she thinks he's good enough for you.
Not people get their act back together for good. Some will, but they're few. Also, once betrayed, it takes twice as long to build that trust back up again. Think about it. If someone stole from you and disrespected you, would you ever trust that person again? I wouldn't. You trust your bf because you're in love with him and he didn't do it to you. But he did it to your mom.
Don't try to convince her by talking to her. He will have to convince her through his actions. It is possible, but it will take years.
Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): You must accept that for now she doesn't want to have anything to do with him. He needs to allow time to pass and then he can prove he has settled down and changed. You need to understand that he has to prove that he is worthy of your mother trusting him and that will take time. I'm afraid this can't happen overnight - but in time, if he really shows he has changed then maybe she will soften. Remember she sees him in a different light to you and maybe she.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (28 December 2010):
 How long ago was the stealing and disrespect?
Because if you're talking about something that happened a month ago, that ish is still fresh and no one changes that fast.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (28 December 2010):
Why is she ignorant? Because she doesn't "like" or want to trust someone that's stolen from her or disrespected her? I think your mom has every right to not like him or want to be around him. Why should she be judged for not wanting to be near a person like that? If anything it's the complete opposite of ignorant.
Your boyfriend's past behavior has a lot of excuses. Oh...he's bipolar...oh he's a recovering addict; it's not his fault. Basically, the guy sounds like a mess and your mom sees right through it. Most people are good people, even people with problems behind it all they are decent people. If he's bipolar, he can't suddenly change. He better darn well be on meds--I'm guessing he wasn't before which would be part of his drug problem, a lot of them self medicate.
It's probably going to take a LONG time before your mom will even decently accept him. He's not one of her children that she can forgive in a matter of days. He's defintely going to have to consistenly prove himself as being well before she will, and saying "I'm sorry" and "Merry Christmas" really wouldn't make most parents just want to hug him and forgive him. Any crackhead can say "sorry" and "Merry Christmas." And addicts are never fully better, he can relapse any time--especially if it's one of the more addictive drugs.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (28 December 2010):
 There is not much you can do, it is up to your boyfriend to prove himself to her. It is difficult but he has to show her irresistible, immutable proof that he has changed, proof that she cannot deny.
I suppose you could talk to her about this and try to show her how much it would mean to you if she would give him one last chance to show her that he is changing. Try to be understanding of her though, after all, he did steal from her and he did apparently lash out at her so it is reasonable that she, as a mother, would be unwilling to accept someone like him so be patient. In time she will see if he truly has changed.
I hope that helps.
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