| A
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Yesterday I was driving in my car with my mom and out of the blue she told me that she's been diagnosed with an incurable disease in her lungs and that she's gonna start some treatment which is gonna be useless. She was crying, saying she was scared and that she knew she won't have long to live. I am devastated. I'm 30 years old, I got a job, a house a boyfriend but, really, my mom is all I got. We've been super close since the day I was born and now I don't wanna let her go. I've been crying since she told me and the thought of not being able to call her a thousand times a day to tell her the pettiest things like what I cooked for dinner, like how my day was and so on is unbearable. I'm not a religious person, so I don't even have the consolation of prayer/heaven or whatever. This is terrible and I don't know how I'm gonna make it through this.I really have no question here... I just needed to vent. If any of you has been through the same situation I'd love to know how they made it through. Thank you all. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): I am genuinely sorry to hear that about your mum.I myself once being the one in similar position just like you do,I know exactly what you are going through and thus I feel your pain.....Just last year November, out of blue my sister and I received a phone call from my mom in South America saying that my dad was hospitalized and diagnosed with hepatitis and bowel cancer. He was so weak at that point that they couldn't treat him. A week or so later my mom took him back to Hong Kong where we thought the medically treatment is more advanced and thus can help him, but it was pretty much the same. They were able to do some tests and stuff, but he's too weak to receive treatment and the doctor said we should prepare ourselves for the worse. They found out that he had more than just cancer and hepatitis; he also has problem with his trachea so he couldn't breath on his own, and he has stomach ulcer. My sister and I left school early and flied from US to HK to see him, but we weren't quite able to because they put him in an isolation ward. We begged the nurse to let us in and at first they didn't allow it. After lots of explanations and begging, they only let us in for a few minute and the moment I saw my father on the bed, I couldn't help but cried my heart out. We thought that he was in a coma or something. It truly broke my heart to see all the tubes they put on him and he just laid there like he's unconscious. Eventually after a few minutes, he struggled to open his eyes maybe because he heard us crying. He tried to talk but he couldn't........That was the last time we saw him because we have to go back to school. He was transferred back to ordinary room after 1 or 2 weeks and we thought there might be hope. But then he passed away on 5th January, 2011. Thank God, he left peacefully. My mom said his facial expression was peaceful so that was somewhat comforting. It might be because the weather was too cold and he couldn't breath well and thus lost conscious. By the time the ambulance took him to the hospital, it was too late and they couldn't save him.Most regretfully, we weren't even able to attend his funeral....I wasn't exactly close to my dad due to some old family history, but it still hurts like hell to lose him. Just few weeks ago, my mom went through his stuffs and found 2 bracelets that he'd secretly bought for us.I honestly never thought he would do something like that so it surprise me. When I was little, he did many thing wrong and I never stop blaming him and thus treat him with less respect. I don't know why, but after i lost him, I always regret and scold at myself for not treating him better......
A
male
reader, lakers_lover09  +, writes (13 March 2011):
Lost my mom when I was 14 unexpectedly. I feel fortunate for u tht u r atleast aware. My advice is to spend time with ur ma and family doing tgings u all wanted to but never did. Also, find religion or something to help u understand the way of life. Hold onto her and show her u love her in the process while learning to accept that it comes for all of us one day
...............................
A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (13 March 2011):
I'm sorry your Mom is ill. I know a bit about loss. I lost my Mom when I was very young and a sibling and my Dad a few years ago (and I'm not all that old relatively speaking). Loss is a part of life. Everything will pass. The most loving thing you can do now is to be there for your Mom. Make whatever time the two of you have together count. Take the focus off of your pain and put it on your Mom's peace, comfort and happiness while she is here. Yes, the loss will be a painful one. But, you will have the comfort of knowing that you had 30 plus years to spend with her and that you were there for her when she needed you most. Believe it or not, that will be a source of great comfort to you in the days, weeks, and months ahead. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Oh God, I'm so sorry you have to go through this situation.I am really close to my mom too and I'm so scared of loosing her.So I know how hard this is for you.Cherish EVERY moment you are with her. That's all that's left in your power.Good luck 3
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): I feel for you, I truly do. I recently lost both my parents. My mother very suddenly, my father then lived with me and my husband for three years, and I nursed him through his final years. In both cases, a sudden loss and an "expected" loss, the pain is the same.You and your mother are obviously very close, and how lucky you are to have that kind of relationship. It sounds to me that you and your mother need to get some more information about her condition and the proposed treatment. Precisely what has she been diagnosed as having? What does the treatment involve? How does she know it's not going to be any good? I think you're both in shock right now.Can I suggest that you both (if your mother is happy with this) go to see her doctor together. Get from him/her all the information you can, that way you can fight this condition together.It's easy, when given bad news, to fall into the black hole of thinking the worst. It's entirely understandable, but it's not the best position from which to a fight a battle. For your own health and to support your mother the best way you can, find out more.Keep strong.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Honest  +, writes (13 March 2011):
 I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Unfortunately, there's very little anyone can say. The best thing you can do right now is be there for your mum. I'm sure you are already, of course, but spending as much time with her as possible, doing the little things you can to make it easier etc. will be the best thing you can do for her and also make you feel like you did right by her. It seems like stating the obvious, but you'd be surprised how when you look back it will soothe you to know you did the little things. Your Mum is in shock and it's horrible to see her scared I know, but once she starts to learn more about what's going to happen and sees her loved ones etc. she will probably start to accept it a bit more, and it won't seem so awful for her. While you are trying to be strong for your mum, remember to take care of yourself too. I think it's good you came on here to vent, because you will need to talk about how you feel during this awful time. Try and get all the support you can, be it friends, your boyfriend or a councillor, take some time off work. You're still in shock too and you need a good network of support both at work and at home. My family has been in similar situations and they are awful. But you can get through them. You don't know how strong you are until you have to be and I bet you'll surprise yourself. The best thing you can do now is to keep talking through your feelings, perhaps seek a councillor to help you deal with everything thats happening, and get through it a day at a time. You can get there, and things will get easier. All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear your situation. You must be so shocked. Last year my Mum was terribly ill - she spent 7 months in hospital and was nil by mouth for 4 months. During this time the one thing I had to come to terms with - which I think is such a hard thing for a daughter - is that, whatever happens, we have to carry on, as individuals with our own lives going forward and doing the very best we can even though we have always had that connection with our parents. I really know where you're at because that realisation, that there is a time when we have to stand alone and keep going is massive. All I can say to you that now, more than ever in your life, you need to be as strong as you can muster for your Mum. This is such an important time for you both and I urge you to get proper counselling support as a family. This was not available to me or my Dad and it was the worst part - the isolation and trying to cope. You have made a start reaching out here. Please do so with whoever you can close to where you both live. I wish you strength and courage.
...............................
A
male
reader, welsh +, writes (13 March 2011):
Sorry to hear about your mom. My friend's mom was recently diagnosed with brain tumor and I saw her go through some of what you might be. The best thing you can do is gather yourself and be there for her. Do things that would make her happy and be a momma's good little girl for as long as it takes. Be strong in front of her and be there for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Hi. Im very sorry to hear your mother is ill. The first thing to do is to go along to her doctor with her and get the facts yourself. Sometimes when we are given 'bad' news, we fix on the negatives then our minds shut down and we can go into free fall. So the outcome might not necessarily be so bleak. Ask her doctor and get all the facts. I was in the position of knowing my father was dying. It was a long illness with no cure. It was hard. I spent as much time with him as i could and we talked. About everything. We told each other we loved each other. Not in a depressing way just in general chatting every day. It helped having that time together. I look apon that time together as a gift now. If you dont have a belief system thats your choice and must respected. But that doesnt mean you cant seek out some help from a church. If you wish, you should be able to call any place of worship and request some pastoral care. You may not be a believer of certain things but might find some help and comfort there with people who care. So do go and ask if you feel you cant cope alone. In the mean time, allow your partner to comfort you. Its very easy to shut people out when we are suffering. That doesnt help. So turn to your partner for help and support. By seeking help for yourself first, you will be stronger and more able to help comfort your mom and share your strength with her. My thoughts go with you x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Hugs sweetie :)) Im very sorry to hear this. Im so glad you have a loving relationship with her. My stepfather back when I was 18 was diagnosed with chronic lung rejection as he had a lung transplant in 92 and his body started rejection in 04. I didnt have a good relationship with him and it hurt when he passed. The best thing you can do is be there for her in any way you can and enjoy the time with her. As for making reason, at the time I wasnt religious either. All I know is that my stepfather passed and is passing showed me that I needed my real father in my life so I reunited with him after a 7 year absence. With time, you will make reason with all of this I can almost guarantee that and you will see pices of a puzzle come together. Right now, its all emotion and that is very normal and perfectly okay. If needed, Id suggest counseling here for you with a relationship therapist as they are great support. All my best to you and your wonderful mother.
...............................
|
