A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend have been going out for about 15 months, and we get along pretty good. She is my first girlfriend and I think I love her.One thing is though, I would like the relationship to go farther. She also wants to, but she doesn't want sex yet purely out of fear of pregnancy. I say fair enough, I don't pressure her. But what I'd love is for her to give me oral instead. We have talked about it and she is alright with it, but won't do it yet. She says she's basically ready for it, but she won't do it because she "doesn't like the thought that she actually did that." (Close to actual words)This was all months ago, probably about 6. Situation still hasn't changed, I feel I've been patient. Still not trying to pressure her, but could someone explain to me her reason? It frustrates me that the one thing standing between us going farther is such a silly reason. Advice? Don't say too young please we are 17, respect each other, and can make our own decisions. Answer as if we were like 18/19.Thank you so much in advance :) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Oh...and I forgot to mention another thing. There was a post today that might give you some perspective about what she could be contemplating:www.dearcupid.org/question/i-dont-want-to-have-sex-until-hes.html
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): You asked us "could someone explain to me her reason?"I am guessing she's a virgin? She probably thinks of sex as dirty to some degree and to a certain extent she probably enjoys her naivete and considers her virginity a part of her identity. Going down on you would change that part of her identity. So even though she says she's ready to do it, she just might not be ready to part with that part of her identity.None of this untypical. A lot of teenage women think oral sex is somehow dirtier/sluttier than regular sex. I know I had sisters who thought this way into their early 20s. I also have to say that if you've not had sex, oral sex as a technique might not come too easily to a person. If she has no basis for comparison and no knowledge of what feels good to you, it might be performace anxiety that keeps her from trying it as well. I'm not saying your girlfriend would give a lousy blowjob, I'm just saying that without any sexual history, she may very well not know what to do. It can be kind of nerve racking the first time. I don't think you're pressuring her. 15 months is a long time to "date" someone without having any sexual contact. At a certain point, it would be hard to say what distinguishes your relationship from a friendship...so I sympathize with your frustration. I also have to say, just from reading your post, you are ambivalent about your love for her and if she picks up on that, that might be another reason she's holding off. For her, she might want to have sex with someone who definitively loves her. That's actually a pretty good reason to not engage in sex with someone. You have admitted that you're not sure if you love her...and she has probably picked up on that. If this really bothers you, I think you're within your rights to say to her, "Sexual contact is important to me. I'm not sure what distinguishes our relationship from a friendship at this point...I don't want to pressure you into sex...would you like to just be friends?"It's an honest and adult way to approach the problem. She will probably be hurt, but if sex or a blowjob or this important to you, she's not the girl for you.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, FluffyPie  +, writes (13 March 2011):
 She is not ready. End of story.
ANY sexual act is sex and she's not ready YET. Telling you that she's ready, but she won't do it, means that she doesn't want to lose you, because sex is probably important to you and she doesn't want to let you down. You shouldn't pressure her into doing it, because there's plenty of time for it. Help her build up trust so she can reveal herself to you. Don't make her feel dirty, it's a nasty feeling, been there myself.
However, IF she wants to try on her own to give you oral, when she feels ready, don't stop her.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 March 2011):
 First, Every kid thinks they should be treated as if they were older than they are. Your post shows clearly that neither of you are as mature as you think you are. Fortunately that doesn't affect my answer. So I'll answer as if you were any age you want.
Your girlfriend has the uncommon good sense to know that any sexual act is sex. It is a level of intimacy that she isn't ready for yet. The most likely reason that she isn't ready for it yet is, She doesn't trust you that much yet. The more you pressure her the less she will trust you. It looks as if you haven't been pressuring her, but your sexual frustration is making you distance yourself from her.
That distance is scaring her and she is not going to give in, when she feels you are on the path to leave her. Give her love and security and she will desire more closeness with you.
FA
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (13 March 2011):
It sounds like she sees it as dirty and can't get her head round yet that it's perfectly normal in sexual relations and an important part.
Try and ask her what she meant by what she said, but I think this is the reason.
Offer to perform oral on her first perhaps
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (13 March 2011):
It sounds like she sees it as dirty and can't get her head round yet that it's perfectly normal in sexual relations and an important part.Try and ask her what she meant by what she said, but I think this is the reason.Offer to perform oral on her first perhaps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): A relationship does not develop based only on the level of sexual intimacy, but from what you write in your question that seems to be what you think. Do you have a score chart on the wall with kiss, fumble, oral, full sex? It's not an inevitability that someone will, over time, indulge in any, or all of these activities.You have no choice but to accept that your girlfriend is not ready / does not want to do some of the sexual things you would like. It's not a question of your "being patient" young man. You don't sound to me as though you respect this young lady at all, but that you're simply hanging around waiting for her to give you what you want.She does not want to give you oral sex - simple as that. She obviously DOES FEEL PRESSURED by you, or she wouldn't have needed to express the feeling "doesn't like the though that she actually did that" ... She may not have expressed it well, but her meaning is perfectly clear to anyone.So, if you really want this relationship to develop (?) start focussing more on what you can do with your girlfriend that doesn't involve sex, and doesn't involve her feeling your unsubtle pressure all the time.
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