| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I know I won't get any sympathy here but I am looking for some advice. Mistresses have nowhere to go. My married lover (he is more like a boyfriend now) is going to Panama with his wife in September to spend 6 months out of the year there, every year. I knew this was going to happen eventually but not this soon. In fact he said they would only go for a few months. And they were looking at doing this a year from now. I am in love with him. I would never leave him for 6 months. I wouldn't want to be away from him that long. I guess I feel resentful that after he has been with me all these years, and professed his love for me, that he can easily leave me behind for that long. He has asked me to WAIT for him to return back home. While he is off enjoying his retirement, he would like me to put my life on hold for him for 6 months. That is a long time. I have needs for love, affection and companionship too. He is off with his wife living his life. Why must I put my life on hold?I wish I meant as much to him as he means to me. But, unlike him, I couldn't control my feelings. I want to know why he would expect me to be miserable without him and wait for him to return home before I can be happy again. I want to know if you think he is being reasonable? He is being selfish I think. Would you move on if you were me? It is just so cruel how these married guys use women like us, and we fall in love, while they said they loved us but they couldn't possibly. If he did, he would not put himself in a position to lose me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2020): He has feelings for you. I am sure of it. I'm also sure it's more than sexual. But he has been able to manage those feelings better than you have from the very start of the affair turned relationship. You didn't say how long you have been together but it appears this isn't a sexual fling. That doesn't mean he will CHANGE his entire life for you, OP. I do sympathize with you. This man is extremely selfish. He played on your feelings for as long as he was getting what he wanted. But now that he is leaving, he's prepared to let you go. You can't let him go. That's because you DO love him but he does not return that love. He never could. He was saving his love for his wife. You have been confused because he has never given you a definitive answer. It's always been up to you to read between the lines and fill in the spaces with your own interpretations. He was vague on purpose. He strung you along for his own purposes and manipulated your emotions because he knew he could. You made it clear you were in love with him.
Now, that you know that this man is prepared to leave you high and dry, you need to start taking care of yourself. Time to start letting him go gradually. So that when he does depart for Panama (if the Covid 19 pandemic even allows such travel) with his wife in tow, you won't be hurting so much. And be more open to finding a new relationship, and a man who is worthy of your love. This man never was. In the beginning, you thought you needed him. You don't. You thought you couldn't live without him. You can.
I was in love with a married man once. I left him and my life has been better WITHOUT him. Remember, if they leave their wives, you won't win the prize. You will win a cheater. And honestly and truly, that relationship would break apart fast because you know that he is the type of a man who would cheat on you eventually. And you deserve better. xx
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (25 May 2020):
 You already have acknowledged all of the problems with his request. What you're asking for is for everyone else to agree. I agree, I do. It is selfish of him and it is unreasonable. The question is; is there a connection between what you know and what you will be able to do? You know that you should not wait for him. Clearly you do, but will you be able to actually move on? Can you convince yourself of the facts or will you try to convince yourself that he loves and respects you more than he does?
What you need to understand is that he is able to leave you for such a long period of time because he does not belong to you. He asks you to wait because you've given yourself to him in a way that he hasn't given himself to you. He feels entitled and justified to ask that of you. He is in a position where he knows that he has you hooked and he knows that it's possible to have his cake and eat it too. You've allowed yourself to be the side piece so it's unreasonable for you to want to be anything more than that, to want anything more than the scraps that he's willing to give you after his wife gets first choice.
I consider it to be a good thing that he's leaving, why? Because you have 6 months to get yourself together. You have 6 months to wean yourself off of him, you have 6 months to get rid of him and rid yourself of the situation altogether. He is unavailable and he will never be able to make himself fully available to you. As much as you've actively decided to be used, you need to realise that you have more of a say in what your life looks like than you realise. You need to discover why you feel that you only deserve to be tolerated sometimes... I won't say loved because this man clearly doesn't love you. It's truly unfortunate that you love him but again, that's what you chose for yourself. There are plenty of available men out there and you need to understand that you deserve love too. You deserve to be a priority. You deserve to be flaunted out in the open. You deserve PDA's. You deserve love. So no, don't wait for him. Use this as an opportunity to love yourself and to discover what true love looks like.
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A
female
reader, hilary  +, writes (24 May 2020):
 You sound so wise, you understand your situation inside and out, you have analysed it and worked it out. Yet you allow your "heart" your emotions to tell your brain to turn off, and ignore everything your wise brain comes up with.
You have been selfish, you wanted this guy to dump his wife for you. You knew he was married and you must know most men never dump their wives. Usually due to finances. Nothing to do with respecting or loving the wife or the other woman. When a guy has to choose between a wife and finances or mistress there is no choice, it is simple, money comes first. If you suddenly inherited millions he would decide he must be with you and dump wife. It has nothing to do with love, nothing to do with wanting to make this one or that one happy, it is all about HIM. The only person he thinks about is himself.
Do you not see that even if he were to end up single, maybe his wife dies and he can be with you. He is not much of a prize. He is not worth being with, because of how selfish he is. You would always be living on borrowed time where he rushes off if something more exciting or better comes along. But as a married man he is even worse, because you are expected to put up with far worse.
One of the mistakes you have made is to allow him to train you into being a Stepford wife. You seem sympathy and talk as if he has forced you into this situation.
When most women would have spat in the eye of any married man who flirts with them. And never let the affair start in the first place. To get together with a married man when you prefer a single man is lunacy. If single is what you want then you not settle for less, and you certainly do not let someone tell you words of love and make promises in the hope they one day come true, when there are millions of single men out there who can give you want you want without all of this hassle, waiting and heartache, straight away.
I know you should dump him. But I also know you will make excuses for him and continue to moan to anyone who will listen. And maybe argue with him and show a bit of back bone and give him some sort of ultimatum or try to scare him into trying harder to make you happy. He might then promise you that he will miss you every second his is away and will be longing to return to you and will make it up to you - and then rob you of at least another six months.
By the way what you feel for him is not love. You cannot be in love with a man you not trust, like or respect, you are infatuated and obsessed, which is not love.
Turn your "heart" off and your brain on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2020): Why don't you tell his wife what a lying, cheating snake this man is! He won't be going to Panama after all! He doesn't deserve this perfect life he's carved out for himself while you lay there bleeding! I don't think you're a bad person OP. The heart leads us in the wrong direction sometimes. But him? He is a conniving, calculated and selfish bastard who knew he has been using you and manipulating you all along. He does not love you nor does he love his wife. He only loves himself. Why don't you start doing the same thing sweetheart? Love yourself!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2020): You alread answered your own question my dear.. here you write..
While he is off enjoying his retirement, he would like me to put my life on hold for him for 6 months. That is a long time. I have needs for love, affection and companionship too. He is off with his wife living his life. Why must I put my life on hold?
Exactly, why must you put your life on hold? He didnt left his wife now, even he has you already, you can be sure he will not left his wife also even you're there..
I guess its time, to start thinking of your self now. Start by loving yourself.. means let go of him. I know its not gonna be easy but its all for the butter....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): [EDIT]
Spelling and grammatical corrections:
"It is unlikely they have much of a sex-life; if she is aware of your existence. If they still have sex, it's to leave less passion for you."
While he is gone, you will have an opportunity to move on. If you decide to wait, you could be waiting indefinitely. His wife will think of other reasons to travel; and leave you waiting even longer. He won't divulge the fact the trip might be her idea (doesn't have to, he can make something up); nor will he tell you if you've grown "too old;" and he has found someone to replace you.
This is not meant to hurt you. It's meant to educate you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): Being somebody's mistress is a choice. You get the leftovers, and the wife has all the control. If you've been around for a long-time, it is likely the wife knows about you. You take care of the sexual duties that would otherwise disgust her. It is unlikely they have much of a sex-life if she is aware of you existence. If one still exists, it's to leave less passion for you.
"Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned; nor hell a fury like a woman scorned!" Playwright and poet William Congreve. No, this saying isn't biblical!
A wife who discovers a mistress in the shadows doesn't always acknowledge it openly; or she permits her husband to have women on the side, but she holds his testicles in a vice-grip. She will cause twists and turns, and get to you in indirect ways; and you will become her personal project. You have the nerve to seduce and sleep with her husband; and she will turn the screws, and leave you in a dire state of misery and loneliness. What goes around, comes around!
He will answer to her will, because she will drag him through the courts and bankrupt him. All he'll have left is you. If he hasn't left her; it's because you're just a concubine, but she is the queen. She knows the way to get to a mistress is through psychological-warfare and torment; using her husband as the weapon.
Eventually, she will crush him, or she will hold-out; until she finds him in a weakened state of mind; or at his highest level of financial-success. Then she will divorce him to add insult to injury. If she is a woman of means, she will make your life a living hell.
My dear, you reap what you sow!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 May 2020):
 Well, you already knew you would not get sympathy on this site for being with a married man and I too am going to be brutal here. I feel I have a right to be brutal because I have been there, got the t-shirt, etc. I too was once stupid enough to believe what a married man told me. I was, however, a lot younger than you and quite quickly had it driven home that I was nothing but his bit on the side. Not his girlfriend. Not his wife. Just someone to provide a bit of light relief (no pun intended) when the wife wasn't putting out for him. Until you too open your eyes and realize this, he will be able to treat you any way he likes because you will continue to believe his words and act like the obedient little doormat you have become. Oh, you may kick up the odd stink about him "deserting" you for half the year, but after that you will obediently get back in your box and wait for him to bestow his favours on you when he has nothing better planned with his wife.
Words are cheap, sister. Let me tell you, they mean nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's his actions you should be watching. If his wife was to find out about you and give him an ultimatum, he will turn his back on you so quickly, you will get whiplash looking to see where he has disappeared.
Let me ask you a question. Are you so desperate for what you call "love, affection and companionship" that you will put up with being treated like an afterthought, like your feelings don't matter, like a doormat? Is that what you think you are worth?
Is he being selfish? Of course he is. He is cheating on his wife. Is he being inconsiderate? Of course he is. He is cheating on his wife. His wife deserved sympathy. He made vows to her to stay faithful. She has probably been married to him for many more years than you have been messing around with him. They probably have family together. Their lives are interwoven. For her to walk away now would be very difficult. You, on the other hand, are free to wise up and realize this is not love. He is not free to love you. He does not treat you like he loves you. You just choose to believe him when he tells you he does. If he loved you, he would have left his wife and been with you. I doubt there was ever any danger of that.
You have already put more than 6 months of your life on hold for him. Why would you waste even more time on him? It is complete madness. You have complete control over what you choose to do: stay in this pointless ersatz relationship or start to live your life. You sound lonely. I would recommend getting out more, meeting more people, making friends. THAT will make you happy, not being a married bloke's bit on the side.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 May 2020):
 You CAN control your feelings, no one else can do that for you.
You knew this would happen, you knew being a "mistress" means you are second best (in his eyes) yet you STILL made the CHOICE (and it IS a choice) to continue this affair. Because AT the time you were getting something out of it, you didn't consider the wife or the future.
We have a saying where come from. It goes something like this (translated to English) "It's NOT very smart to pee your pants in winter to try and stay warm, it will only give you a few seconds of warmth and an eternity of regret."
THAT is what you did. You "peed your pants" by CHOOSING a married man, to WHOM you are NOT a priority, no matter WHAT he said. The affair and you are not so important to him that he rather end his marriage and be with you. Because he KNOWS it probably wouldn't last, unlike his long term marriage. So he CHOOSES the wife and marriage over you. Yet he doesn't also CHOOSE to make the effort to make his marriage work.
Am I going to harp on you for being a "mistress"? No, you are old enough to make that choice. Do I think it's EVER a smart choice to be one? No.
You write:" I think he is selfish" Well, GO figure! Of course he is! He is holding on to the wife AND stringing you along too! So he can have BOTH. He can LOOK like a great husband and family man to those who know nothing of you (his family, friends, and anyone else ) and have the entertainment of an affair, YOU.
You also write :"It is just so cruel how these married guys use women like us". Well, you could have CHOSEN to not get involved with a married man. He didn't MAKE you have the affair. He didn't FORCE you to get into a "pretend relationship". YOU made that bad choice ALL by yourself.
You are old enough to know whether you "deserve" more or not. And you are definitely old enough to know that you can CHOOSE to waste 6 MONTH of EVERY year sitting on a shelf waiting for him to come spend time with you. Or not.
Don't you think life is too short to sit and WAIT for companionship, intimacy, love?
You know what you WANT to do, do you have the gut and the common sense to do it? To end it with him, wish him well and BLOCK him from EVER contacting you again, so YOU can move on and HOPEFULLY! find a single and available man who WANTS you to be a priority in HIS life too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): What a cheek! He can carry on and live his life in any way he likes, living in Panama, having new adventures and bedding his wife in this new, exotic location and meanwhile, you are expected to sit alone at home, twiddling your thumbs, waiting for his return, so he can bed you on his return as well? When it suits him.
Some men are very adept at keeping two women on the go at the same time. I hate to say this, but perhaps more than two. Who knows who he will meet in Panama? I believe that this man has feelings for you and wants you for him and him alone. Well guess what? You're not some kind of possession for him to take up with and drop when his wife and his life with her, take priority.
You mention waiting for him to come back until you can be happy again. Happy? What kind of happy is this? KNOWING you are second best, second choice. How are you going to feel when he gets back and there you are. Waiting for him like an obedient dog. Your self respect and self esteem will take a punishing dive. (I'm not being harsh with you, I'm in sympathy with you, I'm just angry on your behalf and trying to get you to feel the same, which I'm sure you do, given your post)
If I were you and I realise that this probably isn't sound advice, but I would be so tempted to join dating websites and go out on dates while he's away and let him know. Just so you can give him some of the grief he's been giving you. Then dump him. A lot of men will say whatever it takes to get sex from two women and while I'm sure he has feelings for you, most of his feelings are for himself and what's good for him. Who knows? Maybe you'll meet someone who's single and worthy of your time and attention. Try to see this man for what he is. He lies to his wife constantly so he can be with you and he likely lies to you too, so he can keep you on side and in his bed.
I think that you know how much damage this is going to do to you emotionally if you carry on with this. In my opinion, this has run its course, out of necessity for your sanity. He has forced your arm with this new plan for his own life, but total disregard for yourself.
Onwards and upwards, see him for what he is and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): Yes wait for him. Do not let yourself be talked into trying to break up with him. He is leaving you for six months to be with his wife. You deserve to waste your life waiting for a man who doesn't love you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (23 May 2020):
 OP you have already thought this through and answered your own questions. WHY would you wait for him? He thinks you will because he knows he has you wrapped around his little finger. Why don't you cut the cord and find someone that can be with you every day and puts YOU first? You know deep down inside that he doesn't love you as he should or he wouldn't ask such a ridiculous request of you. Do you really want to keep waiting for a man that is never going to leave his wife for you? All he can offer is stolen moments?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): Hi
Sorry that you feel you have to put your life on hold for this married man, the truth is that he is married and you really have no meaningful life with this man anyway. Obviously neither does his wife, he, however, does have a life, a deceitful one and not one I would be proud to share. Do I think he is been selfish, of course, he is. Cheats especially long term cheats have no thoughts about the people they are hurting ( his own family) or the lives that are wrecked. I don't include you in the hurt scenario even though I know he is hurting you, because you CHOOSE to allow someone to hurt you, his wife has no choice she does not know. You have the wonderful door of escape, the betrayed are left with devastation, broken dreams, wasted years, broken trust, broken home, and a broken VOW taken infront of God Marriage. You do not stand to lose as much as his wife.
I understand people fall in love, people change, events happen, but all we have to do is stand up and be honest with ourselves and others. If we no longer love our spouse then we should end the marriage fairly and truthfully.
The man you live with is selfish and a coward and is only interested in 'Me Myself and I and anything else he can steal.
Do yourself a favour and live a proud life that is truthful and honouring what you know to be right and based on love, not sexual love, or romantic love.
let him and his wife work out what their marriage is about. You say guys like these are so cruel for using women like you who fall in love, but people like you let people like him use you.
How sad that you may never know true love while you waste your life on this cheat.
Wake up! Yes, I would move on very quickly, life is to be lived fully!!!! who wants scraps and leftovers and fake love. INTEGRITY is your key word for a happy life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2020):
 Precisely; why must you put your life on hold ?
In fact, you don't have to; you should not, and you know it.
Putting your life on hold for a married man, who also will be available ( sort of ) only half of the year it would be sheer insanity. Of course I would move on, if I were you. Everybody would move on if they were you !
" But I am in love "- so what ? As if being in love justified or explained away every foolishness, every impropriety , every dimwitted form of self -damage…
You would not say " I am in love,- so I am going to drive with with my lights off, and no seat belt on ", right ?
Is the married man selfish ? yes he is, and why this is so shocking or surprising ? Everybody, including saints and philantropists, is motivated mainly by self interest, by the desire to get / have / keep something that's deemed to be a source of personal gratification .
For the generous, benevolent philantropist personal gratification comes from the joy he feels knowing he has saved children or baby seals or the rain forest , etc, whatever is the cause he champions. Going after this joy, this kind of elation may be a nobler wish than just being after pne's own sexual fulfillment… but just because the results are different. The impulse is the same - we all want what feels good to us ; whether it feels good to other people, or not.
You too have been selfish, for instance. It's not that , knowing that this man had previous obligations, you have decided to take the moral high ground, and refused to help this man lie and cheat on a poor lady who hasn't done anything wrong to you. That would have been the unselfish thing. But you have thought first of your sexual and emotional gratification and strived to get the most of that out of the precarious circumstances of your relationship.
That may be natural, you are only human, after all- but then why pointing fingers and complaining about the cruel selfish married lover ? It takes two to tango. Now your tango partner has decided he 'll dance alone ( or,actually, with his own wife ) for half of the year or more- and if you have an ounce of common sense or self respect left, you'll let him do just that and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): Move on. You deserve to have a fulfilling relationship with someone who is dedicated to you and only you. There are 3 billion + men out there in the world. He is not the one for you. Get out there and meet new people and move on! Even in a pandemic you can virtual date online. Life is short, dont waste another day of it on this guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): He is married!!!!You already have lost him.Do not wait for him or see him ever again.His poor wife....You know he is married but you think as a side chick you are important to him.If you leave him he more than not has more side chicks in the wings.He more than not also has a side chick in Panama.Why do you value yourself so little that you allow him to play you in this manner?Why do you think that you do not deserve a man that only has eyes for you?Well you do.You deserve a man that gives you all his attention not just tidbits when he can get away from his wife.Girl you need to get your self to a therapist to see why you put so little value on yourself.You are worth more than being a side chick. You deserve a whole man..not bits and pieces.You are way better than this and you know you deserve more.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 May 2020):
 This is all part and parcel of being a mistress. I assume that you knew he was married when you first met him, if you did you must have know what you would have been getting in to.
He can spin you all sorts of lines, and i'm sure that you have heard them all, but at the end of the day you are, and always will be the mistress, the bit on the side playing second fiddle to his wife, the wife he declared to be 100% faithful to at the alter.
He expects you to wait for him while he is away living it up in Panama for 6 months. So you wait for him for 6 months, nothing is going to have changed on his return and he is still going to be with his wife, and you will still be the secret bit on the side.
Invariably married guy's will never leave their wife, and will just string you along for as long as they can. If on the slim chance he did leave his wife for you (which will never happen), you will become the wife, and he will have another mistress on the side going through what you are going through now.
You now have 6 months to get your head together, plenty of time to gather your thoughts and see if this life is really for you.
During this time, i would delete all contact with him, move on, and find someone who is not married with whom you can spend your life together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): I read that to the end and although you have my sympathy- you have answered your own question.
Read your question back to yourself over and over ...and try to digest what you have written:
'Put my life on hold'
'Resent after all these years'
'If he loved me ...'
Yes he is selfish
No he is not being reasonable
No you should not wait.
I think you need to get yourself out and about meeting people, go on dates, make yourself single and known and approachable.
In 6 months time he will come back for his booty call (which is what you are unfortunately) and you could be moved on with somebody who treats you a whole lot better if you put the effort in.
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