A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I’ve been in a long term relationship for 8 years we have a coming up 6 year old son my partner 3 years ago suddenly started smoking weed he was good looking and smart when we met the relationship was great we both were working we went on holidays butNow fast forward 3 years on he is a scruffy layabout who sleeps on my sofa we haven’t had sex for a year he just sits getting stoned as soon as he comes home from work I feel trapped in this situation and I am worried it will damage my child any suggestions what do I don’t love him anymore but I know if I end it he will takes months to move out I am speaking from experience here as I ended it when I found out he was smoking weed but I was stupid and gave him a chance any ideas what to do thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): Children shouldn't be in an environment of continued and regular recreational drug-use. Even patients using medial marijuana should not use it in the presence of their children. Smoking is smoking, and it isn't good to do around children.
That being said; do not curse yourself by calling yourself stupid. Self-degradation and insulting yourself has adverse-affects on your self-esteem and behavior. You'll start to convince yourself; therefore, it will manifest in your behavior. The rationale, in most cases, where children are involved; women stay with the father of their children for the child's/children's sake. They don't want to breakup their family-unit. Often, they delude themselves into thinking they will change him somehow. Sometimes, it works! In most cases, it won't; unless you have his full cooperation and commitment to change. You've given him a second-chance. He has failed it.
Now you have to get your ducks in a row, and get your own life in order. If you personally own the house, or yours is the only name on the the deed; then you will have to legally evict him. Give him legal notice to vacate your property; and a sheriff or marshal will escort him off the property. Laws differ from state to state; so consult with an attorney. You may also collude with your landlord, to have him evicted. It might be a little tricky if he's on the lease; but the landlord has the legal power and authority to remove people from his or her property, provided they do it within the legal statutes of the state. During the covid-19 pandemic, there may be a temporary moratorium on evictions.
You should prepare yourself emotionally and financially, and consider moving yourself. Start filing the legal paperwork for child-support, before you do anything else.
If possible, try to workout something amiable regarding his visitation-rights; and seek restrictions or supervised visits, if he insists on recreational drug-use.
You already know all this. You are looking for someone to talk you into it. This is a personal decision. Everything you do as a woman and a mother is always going to be in the best interest of your child. That's enough motivation right there!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 May 2020):
 So start the moving out process again. You already know you made a mistake backing off the first time. Don't make the same mistake again.
I am assuming the property is yours. If so, you need to make it very clear he has to go and keep reminding him. Do you have any family or friends (preferably large and male) who could have a word on your behalf and speed up the process. Not advocating violence of course, just a bit of pressure to make him understand you are serious.
You need to do this sooner rather than later, before your child starts to believe that this sort of relationship is normal. Be strong.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2020):
 You could move out yourself ( with your child, of course ).
If you are the only one paying rent and bills- elementary Watson, just move out and let him fend off for himself, you've got nothing to lose. If what's stopping you, is the fact that , as of now , he pays half the rent- I realize that moving out may be more difficult, anyway not impossible. You should room with other people. Maybe another single mom.
At the end of the day , though, even if he takes his sweet time in moving out, as annoying and irritating as that may be, - it would not really change a lot your current situation, I guess. In a sense, you can afford to be patient , because it's not like officially calling it quits and asking him to move out would dramatically alter your way of life and expose you to new hardships. I mean, you already don't have sex since ages, he already sleeps on the sofa, if he comes home from work and gets stoned every day, I bet he does not interact a lot with you and your child and surely does not provide companionship to you and guidance to his son. As for the money, I doubt that he contributes more than the bare necessities- addictions cost, his is not one of the most expensive, but still...
In short , yes, maybe if you tell him to move out now, he will be gone not tomorrow but in a few months .... and if you don't tell him anything, he won't ever leave !
Frankly, I don't see what are you waiting for. You don't love him anymore, and he does not love you anymore : plus, he is a terrible role model for your child. We can debate until doomsday about light drugs and recreational use and how really dangerous pot is ( or is not )... the point is, if your bf were addicted to jellybeans or Gummi Bears I'd
say the same, ANY substance the makes you end off like your bf, apathetically vegging out on the sofa amd oblivious to the needs of your family, IS a negative influence in a child's life and your child needs and deserves to grow up in a healthier, safer environment. Which you can only provide him with if you have your bf move out... or ( it's quicker ) if you move out yourself .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 May 2020):
 You know you can't fix him, right? You can't "MAKE" him stop smoking weed?
So what is next? Do you live in his place or was it originally yours? Can you afford that place on your own?
I'd personally, end it and move out. Make sure you name get's taken off any lease, utilities etc. Find a place you CAN afford first, then remove yourself from the lease, end the lease and PLAN ahead. You say he won't want to move out, so YOU have to MAKE that step. Make sure ALL important papers regarding YOU and your son is kept somewhere safe. You might ALSO want to file for custody and set up visitations for him. While he seems like a loser, he is still your son's dad.
If you stay and do nothing, what do you think it will TEACH your son about what a MAN is? Whether or not smoking weed is a good or a not good thing to do? And let's not forget second hand effects?
"Researchers measured the amount of THC in the blood of people who do not smoke marijuana and had spent 3 hours in a well-ventilated space with people casually smoking marijuana; THC was present in the blood of the nonsmoking participants, but the amount was well below the level needed to fail a drug test. "
https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/marijuana/what-are-effects-secondhand-exposure-to-marijuana-smoke
So YOUR child is exposed to the THC at the tender age of 6. While it's not a LARGE enough dose to show up on a drug test it can possibly STILL affect him.
YOUR son should BE your primary concern here. His heath and well being. But YOUR health and well being should ALSO be YOUR priority. You KNOW this relationship is dead in the water. This guy is not adding much of anything positive to your life. It's time to rip that band-aid off.
And it's TIME to stop enabling your BF to do nothing with his life. Obviously he goes to work, but is it realistic that he will keep his job if he keeps this up?
HE made a choice to start smoking weed, you don't HAVE to stay with him and you certainly do not HAVE to let your son grow up with this in his life.
I think you KNOW what to do, but doing it is scary. The relationship is over and has been for a while, it's just taken you this long to get to a point where you KNOW you have to act. So time to do it. If it seems to hard, think of your son. And yourself. Do you really want to be in this relationship in a year? In 5 years? In 10? When your son goes to high-school and comes home to light up with daddy?
Think about it.
Make a plan and get on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): You want to end it so end it.Get an eviction thru the courthouse to get him out.Do not worry if he has nowhere to go as that is his problem..not yours.There is a solution to your problem it is very easy.I think the real problem is you do not want to let him go .If you did he would already be gone.Think about that a little.
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