A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupidmy long-distance girlfriend of 18 months has a serious issue with my use of porn. I only use it when I am away as a visual aid. When i'm in town we have great sex daily and i am happy with her body. I have a high sex drive and i will masturbate 3-4 times a week when away. She tells me I am sick and should only think of her when i masturbate. She blames porn on her extreme jealousy and lack of trust in my fidelity. I have never cheated nor acted in any way that would lead her not to trust me. But she still tries to monitor my every phone call and email, control my movement and time with friends. Is porn really to blame?
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her ex, jealous, porn, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Altindie  +, writes (8 February 2007):
 I think you might need to earn her trust, given your 'delightful' response below, Mr Male 26-29. You may never have cheated on her, or given her any reason to believe you have cheated on her, but by using pornography you're causing her to believe she's not GOOD enough.
So really, as long as you're jacking off to this stuff, she won't feel secure enough in her relationship with you to stop checking your calls and emails and the time you spend with friends.
Compromise involves TWO people you know, not just your girlfriend. Cut out the porn and she'll cut out the intrusions into your privacy.
A
female
reader, Brij  +, writes (7 February 2007):
From my point of view, porn can actually be empowering to the women who are taking part... But I'm not answering your question to debate about it, there are both positive and negatives to the porn industry (as indeed there are to all industries!)
Why don't you compromise with this girl? Ask her to send you pictures of herself that you can use instead of porn as a visual aid. That way she can stop feeling insecure (it's not unusual for a girl to feel insecure if her guy looks at gorgeous women!) and you still have a visual aid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): well you obviously have no qualms about supporting an industry that exploits people....whilstr you may consider it co-dependent. I would consider it better than being an abuser and exploiter which is what you obviously are. You clearly are a troll with no intention of seeking advice or real perspectives on porn,,,rather just someone (probably one of the pro porners on here trying to start a debate...I highly doubt you even have a girlfriend...God help her if you do...you are by your own admission a man who says....who cares if these women were sexually abused as kids and are screwed up......Sorry but your as sick as any paedophile
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"One 2004 study found that porn users actually had slightly more positive and egalitarian views of women than other men did...simultaneously liking porn and respecting women is consistent with a liberal outlook, which typically combines tolerance with an egalitarian perspective." Liza Featherstone, M.D, Psychology Today. Counterintuitive but true. look it up.
Never mind the anti-porn debate, and how some performers were abused blah blah blah. Consent is consent. How co-dependent to blame the industry. No one puts a gun in a killers hand, and no one puts a %$#@ in a porn stars %$#@. And porn does not reduce my appreciation of her beauty. Of course she is absolutely gorgeous so...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): You say its purely a visual aid but what you need to understand is that porn also has serious gender inequality issues intertwined with it. Firstly to most women shring their body with a man is a deeply emotional issue and if he then treats it so as to go get hot over other women naked. It really makes her feel that her gift to him means nothing, nida, zilch....In this case reducing means little...stopping is the only way.
Also do you realise that most of the female stars of porn were sexually abused as kids???are you happy to masterbate over their sad choices and take no responsibility for an industry that thrives on exploiting them??
Thirdly if you really do have a strong compulsion to masterbate surely you could do it without involving a third party? (yes porn is a third party). Perhaps some pics of your girl or God forbid your imagination...You see equating it to romance novels for women doesnt quite cut it because as far as I know noone gets hurt in the making of a romance novel and the use of romance novels has not yet been proven to lower womens opinions of mens handsomness....look it up , much research has been done showing even mild exposure to porn lowers mens opinions of the attractiveness of their partners....Good luck I only hope you realise that you will probably lose her over this if all you are prepared to do is reduce...
Thirdly
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all the answers. I will add that I can empathize with her feelings and can and will reduce it for her. However, I want her to understand that fantasy is a healthy part of human sexuality. I wouldn't knock her for reading highly provocative erotica and having a moment with the shower head, but men are more visually orientated and thus the multi-billion dollar porn industry. While masturbating to her picture is all well and good, porn and erotic literature are safe ways to explore fantasy. For instance, while I have absolutely no desire, or the nerve, to participate in an actual orgy, but throw on some orgy porn and wooooo!
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A
female
reader, Lemonpixie +, writes (5 February 2007):
 I dont think it's so bad if your in a long-distance relationship... But there may be a way to apease the situation. Ask her to take sexy pictures of herself... or the next time you visit take some of her in sexy lingerie or whatever your into... that way you can have a visual aid and she wont be jealous. If she doesnt go for that... I would suggest cutting back on it, but she needs to realize if she's not around it's better to watch a movie or look at a picture than go out and actually do it! As long as it's in moderation she should cool herself off a bit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2007): i can sympathise with your girlfriend as i have asked my boyfriend the same thing. Variety is the spice of life and all that but its a load of rubbish. I think you should definately ditch some not all the porn and wank over her she is yours after all. Her insecurity will only get worse.
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A
female
reader, Altindie +, writes (5 February 2007):
Why can't you masturbate to HER picture? I think you have hurt her feelings by jacking off to pictures of other women because she doesn't understand why you aren't doing it to her own picture. You can tell her you love her body all you want but when you're looking at other womens bodies, it's just hypocrisy. If you feel like you can't do it with her picture then maybe you should cut down on the porn in general. She'll be a whole lot more secure in her relationship with you.
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (5 February 2007):
 Actually the porn is not really to blame. Your girlfriend has low self-confidence. Most women with a healthy amount of self confidence will know that there's a big difference between watching a bit of porn and actually having sex with somebody else.
It may be extra difficult for her since the two of you have a long distance relationship and she may feel that if she's not around you might find somebody else.
You can try to tell her that there's a very big difference between watching porn and having sex in real life, that whereas you appreciate seeing these women with their huge jugs on picture you wouldn't actually want to have a relationship with any of them because it's all fake. Tell your girlfriend that she's a wonderful person and that she has a warm personality that turn you on, tell her that her body is perfect for you.
But in the end, your girlfriend will still need to build up her self confidence a bit so she can stop scanning your phone and checking your emails. You can be part of it by being her boyfriend and supporting her, but she might also need to talk to a professional.
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