A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi and thanks I wrote here before about my husband. I received alot of good advice.So we have been married for 4 years. We don't live together yet. He doesn't live where I do, so I was working on his visa. We have spent alot of time together( until the covid) so we havent seen eachother in awhile. Its given me time to rethink alot. He can be pretty moody especially over money. He works but apparently never has enough money. Where he comes from it's very normal to ask for money. I have been there alot for him financially. Right now he rooms with his friend and his rent is due. I asked him to stay with other friends because it makes no sense to rather than spend on an apartment when hes coming here. He was unable to grasp this. It turned into a heated debate on his side. He also mentioned his friend needs a place to stay so he needs to rent one for him. This isnt my problem. I did not Marry his friend. Anyways, he is asking for 4k. That's not a small amount. When I searched online for apartments I found many that were cheaper I brought this to his attention and his response was, " why do you always want cheaper things for me! I told him to quit acting entitled. He also mentioned since I'm older I should be helping him financially. I'm sorry but I'm not his mother. This has made me think, I will just let him stay where he is and I continue my life here. Any advice?
View related questions:
cheap, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2021): Why would a smart woman choose to marry and stay with a loser? Is she a loser too?
Why do you call this relationship? In a true relationship you spend time together, it is not all long distance, and you support and help each other, not you giving all the time.
For all you know he is in a "relationship" with other women too and asks you all for money. You are paying him money to pretend he is your partner and husband. And you cannot see that you would be better off single than with a selfish loser.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2021): Why would a smart woman choose to marry and stay with a loser? Is she a loser too?
Why do you call this relationship? In a true relationship you spend time together, it is not all long distance, and you support and help each other, not you giving all the time.
For all you know he is in a "relationship" with other women too and asks you all for money. You are paying him money to pretend he is your partner and husband. And you cannot see that you would be better off single than with a selfish loser.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2021): This sort of thing happens to women all over the World but it is always the lazy, dishonest, poor ones who target the ones with more. I have often had it happen to me and I was insulted the other day by a woman who lives near me in my country - England - who said to me that I am very lucky that I have a man who has a job - she is not able to get a man with a job!
She cannot get a man with a job because for the whole of her adult life, she is now 85, she has never worked, never got an education, never learned any skills or abilities, never invested time or money in her own business and always expected men to come along and pay for everything. Now she is 85 nobody wants her, they can get a younger better looking woman if they want that arrangement.
To compare herself to me was ridiculous when I am about twenty five years younger than her, own three very successful businesses and a lot of property and investments. All through my own doing with no help from a man. So why would a man with a job think he is doing me a favour if he gets together with me? Most men with a job still earn a lot less than me, and it would be me that is doing them the favour not the other way around.
Now as yourself how your life will be when you are my age - if you hang onto freeloaders and losers, liars and men with no respect for you, lazy idiots and bums, now . Who will want you when you are 65 and most of your money has been sucked away from you?
People have been very kind to you and told you that you are not a fool. But you are. You are giving good money to a bad, nasty, selfish man, that makes you foolish.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2021): You are a money pit, nothing more or less to him.
He chose you because you are older, naive, a people pleasure and lacking confidence, very easy to manipulate.
I am sure he does it with other women too. Turn your brain on.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (5 February 2021):
 Yes I think that you received great advice the first time around.
Everyone has pretty much offered the same advice as last time.
So this time he is asking for 4K, you would be bonkers to pass on this sort of money to him. He is coming out with all sorts of reasons why he needs this money, which to be honest is irrelevant, because chances are they are all lies anyway.
Can't remember exactly what I said last time, but im sure I said you should not send another dime, run for the hills, then seek legal advice and get a divorce.
OP this situation is going to go on and on and on, until you step up to the plate and nip this is the bud.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2021): I thought right away also that he is African. That's what they do..they get an older woman and keep sucking money from her. 4k is enormous amount of money. To ask mom o ey for a friend is that ussual tactic, I am sure he needs a car or build something. It's just a bunch if lies..run as fast as you can
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): This man is a loser. He thinks he can speak and do as he wants. It's all about money to him. That is it. Don't give him anymore. Tell him to find a better job or better yet. Tell him your done
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): This man is a loser. He thinks he can speak and do as he wants. It's all about money to him. That is it. Don't give him anymore. Tell him to find a better job or better yet. Tell him your done
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): I can’t believe you are still “married” to this guy after your previous question. He sticks around as long as you provide him financially. How about telling him you lost your job and need help yourself to see how long he will be around! I’m not repeating what everyone else told you here. Please wake up!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): If you never sent him another red-cent, what could he do about it? You're only pretending you're going to leave him where he is. I'd wager a huge bet on it!
You've written here a few times, and you know you've been scammed. It soothes you to think we're on your side; and you ignore any advice that tells you to cut him loose. I can't stand to see people taken advantage of; but I lose all sympathy when I see they're willfully enabling it. I still feel compassion for you, that you feel so desperate you still pretend he's your husband; and actually think he cares for you. That's heartbreaking!
You seem to be a sweet and generous lady. Maybe you need to seek mental-health counseling at some point, to break free of this charade! You seem only too eager to foolishly part with your money; and he's found himself a gold-mine! He's being paid to pretend he's your husband; and you enjoy being his benefactor, and taking care of all his whims. Everyone here is wasting their time, as are you! Including your money!!! I will continue to respond to your posts you; hopefully at some point, maybe the truth will penetrate. I sense that in your heart, you know better. You just can't break-free, fearing what would become of him.
He will turn to one of his other women, he has scammed; or find himself another lonely gullible-woman with too much money. Like you, she'll be well-to-do. American, European, or Canadian. Eccentric and lonely.
There are some people we can get through to, and others who only listen to what they want to hear. You only listen to what you want to hear; and you're looking for sympathy. You get the same advice over and over. You wouldn't dare discuss this with family or friends (they know you've been duped); you've got to maintain the illusion of being married, and caught-up in bureaucratic red-tape of immigrations. He probably has a criminal-record, and will never be given granted a visa; but you'll go through any expense, until you're broke.
I'm going to be honest with you. I know you're going to send him the money. You want to feel like you have a husband; but in reality, you've hooked yourself up with a foreign scam-artist who takes you for your money. I've watched situations like this on reality TV, documentaries, and news-casts. You live in a make-believe world, pretending you're trying to get your husband a visa to move to the United States. Meanwhile, he's taking you for all your money. It's how the scam goes. You're paying for a guy to call you his wife, maybe you visit him once in awhile, and you have sex. That's enough for you, just to know you can say you're married.
Keep paying and working on his expensive immigration paperwork. He will finally come to the U.S. someday. He'll divorce you, and take you for whatever you're worth.
You don't really want our advice. You're pretending like you're listening, but you're not. You have to see this to the bitter end.
Best of luck, my dear. I'm so sorry. I know how this ends. You're going to send him the money; because if you don't, he'll get mad and ignore you. Things will continue as they have for the last four years. You're stuck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 February 2021):
 It is pointless telling you this man sees you as a meal ticket until you are ready to see it. It seems, from this latest post, that you might finally be slowly opening your eyes and acknowledging he is in this for the money.
You are quite right when you say you are not his mother. If he wishes to help support his friend, that is his choice but you should not allow it to become YOUR problem.
I think Honeypie's suggestion to add up how much money he has already cost you is a good idea. When money goes out in dribs and drabs, we tend not to really notice it too much. Sometimes you need to look at the whole picture to realize just what is going on and when someone is taking advantage.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 February 2021):
 It looks like it has taken you awhile but it appears you have finally figured out your husband for what he is. Sad but true. The smartest thing you can do is to end the relationship. Hes been using you and apparently is planning to keep doing so. You need to cut the umbilical cord. He shouldn't have his hand out for your money, he should be making his own, and making enough to help take care of BOTH of you. If you continue to be his bank, he will let it go on forever. YOU need to stop this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2021): OP! You need to separate yourself from this man. When some time goes by, you can use your logical mind and not your heart and you will see things clearly, without your emotions getting in the way of your better judgment. Your heart is getting you into very big trouble. He is using your feelings to play you and manipulate you into being his bottomless piggy bank. The more you cave and give him what he asks, the more he is going to use you and continue to demand more and more. You are a smart woman, are you not? Of course you are. And you know exactly what he is doing. But your feelings keep you bound and imprisoned to this loser. Well, it is time to tell this loser to go to hell and earn his own living. It is not up to you. You are correct, you are not his mommy or his meal ticket. A marriage is based on two people EQUALLY contributing. Not one person manipulating another into being the giver and doing all the work. He is a terrible person from what you are saying. He gets angry on purpose in order to control you and manipulate you into giving him money. That is clear as day. This is not a real partner. He is a user AND worse, an abuser. He is using/abusing you and preying on your kindness and your good heart. It is clear as day. And you know it or you would not be here.Is he from Nigeria? Somewhere in Africa? I would not be surprised as many guys from those poor nations latch onto women from the west with some financial means. They lay it all on thick and convince you they love you and sell you a bullshit fantasy. I can see this guy was a very good con artist as he roped you into marrying him. But it is not too late to end this. You are wise to his scheme. You know he wants your money. I suggest you get tough now and cut him off. You cannot expect to be with this guy for years and it will end happily ever after. It is only going to get worse. With you broke, feeling rejected, more and more unloved and more abused. I know he is already chipping at your self esteem. But you do not need a part time, lying, manipulative, money grabbing con artist as a husband. You my dear, can do better. And most importantly, you, my dear HAVE ALL THE POWER. YOU ALWAYS HAVE. Block him everywhere. You owe him NOTHING. Then call your lawyer and divorce him. I assure you, it is better to be alone than with any man. Your self worth comes from within. Get your life back. Find yourself again. Without this man!! You will see how much happier you will be. And eventually you will meet a much better man, who will be worthy of you and is not just after your money.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2021): Girl wake up.This has SCAM written all over it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2021):
 You seem to have figured out what you need to do:
"This has made me think, I will just let him stay where he is and I continue my life here."
I think, YOU are right. He isn't looking to come and share your life, share expenses and experiences - he is looking to get as much money out of you as he can.
No, you shouldn't pay his rent or his friend's rent. He is a grown man and should pay his own expenses, THAT includes the cost IF he plan to immigrate. The Visa is HIS expense to cover.
Do yourself a favor and TALLY up how much money you have posted into this marriage and then consider that you will be being MUCH much more if he comes to live with you.
File for divorce, end this. Or be his "sugar momma" for the rest of your life...
...............................
A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (3 February 2021):
 Oh my oh my. If you got great advice before, why didn't you listen to it? I can guarantee that your husband is African? No matter where he lives, it is not normal for a man to ask his wife for money to support him if he is employed. He is coning you. Why don't you see it? Wake up and smell the roses. He only married you for money and green card. Divorce him immediately. He will drain you of all finances then leave you. If he gets to the US you are financially responsible for him for 10 years. He only has to stay with you 3 years to keep his green card. Be smart woman.
...............................
|
