A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am not sure where to begin. I don't know where everything began or how to draw the line anymore. Upbringing was messy: Dad was a heavy drinker and got violent when set off. Once set off it resulted in hospital jail or both. His drinking was 1-2 X/month while violence was a crapshot. His trigger was perceived disrespect. I made things worse when I stood up to him as he would make sure to punish Mom and Ellie harder. I know now that Dad was the only one wrong. Me standing up for Mom and Ellie did not make it worse. Mom was brainwashed and Ellie and I were children. It was messier than that but what I remember most is this:I was 11 and summer before middle school Dad did his worst. Short story long I got him in the back of his head with an iron. It was still on. When the dust settled I ended up in juvie psych. Ellie (7 at the time) ended up with Cousin Holly and her step kids. I had a roommate who literally just slept and ate, it was actually scarier than Dads explosions because some kids are real messed up. I remember staring at roommate rolled up in a ball covered in tons of blankets and then it was like I was still awake but obviously still dreaming.What makes it weird is I remember it like it really happened. This girl, I remember thinking "girl", knelt by my bed and covered me in kisses. She talked to me and said she flew in through the window. Obviously it got more graphic over the years but the "girl" always stayed the same. Duh wet dream. Somedays she didnt speak and only climbed into bed with me.That's what gets me. She was imaginary (she was see-through and had wings) but from 11 to now she has looked the same. This makes me wonder about myself. As i got older why did she stay the same? I didnt know what sex was at 11 and only experienced oral at 19. I hated it. Seriously. Especially the giving part (its the smell even when clean. Sorry females it really is not you). In my dreams which were probably not too often I remember the wings more than anything else. I really forgot all about it till recently. Short story long I stayed in juvie psych about two weeks and then moved in with "Granny" (foster mom) for 9 months, skipped a year and then moved in with Cheryl and Dana (guy) from church. Mom had her issues but i was an awful child once i came home. Its stupid to say all those details are fuzzy but they are. I would i guess fly off the handle for no reason pick something up and whip it across the room. One time I dont know what happened, i ended up just destroying my favorite teacher's classroom including her map of the world. A brand new one that came down from the ceiling. I honestly feel worse about that than all the other messed up stuff I did. And there ended up being a lot. I moved out at 14 with a guy from the church van who had just got out of prison. He lived in a one bedroom with plenty of drugs and weapons but no furniture. People including toddlers were in and out at all hours. I was an incredibly stupid kid because i even bragged to people that Bama had sliced out a section of some guys intestine so thsy'd better leave us alone. Not sure why Bama tolerated me. He taught me how to fight use knives and all that. We obviously werent church material but we either bought nice clothes and went to the Olive Garden every day of the week or we ate handout meals on the steps of abandoned buildings. It was real messed up but i thought it was awesome. In reality? Who boosts shoes and track suits for someone elses drug habit and rent? Who lives in a trap house that is actually a public housing place meant for a poor single mom?I went and moved in with Cheryl and Dana but ended up being homeschooled and got my GED at 16. Worked on a farm on and off and found out Im not qualified for military for learning issues amd asthma chronic bronchitis. I still had issues but not bad. Mom and Ellie moved out of state and I didnt see either of them till 2003. Mom calls every few years i email her my # everytime i get a new one just in case. According to Ellie everyone my mom dates is worse. She tried girls and same result.I messed around too much, spent time in prison and a shelter halfway across the state. The dreams came back and pretty much made me feel like a perv. Its not wet dreams thats pervy its because the winged girl never ages. I stayed clean and out of trouble from 2009 - 2015. Not to worried about dreams because I either had girls or hookers but they came back when I was locked up.I have been out since 2018 and work at Burger King. Not the best job bu I get 40 hours and most people are alright. I just always made it a point to be the hardworking quiet guy. No problems at work.I think its the pandemic but the dreams are back and she never ages. I have never laid a hand on a woman or child in my life but beat the shit out of people who have. I have done church but i keep messing up so i disappear. Different ones. I even paid a few girls thinking getting laid would help. I actually ended up buying this one girl some food and cigarettes because i felt like shit when her ID said 21. I almost told her to go to rehab and that she was to pretty for all that she was doing.I dont know why the dreams bother me so much. Theyre half sexual tease and half playful cuddle bug who showers you with kisses and tells you how cute you are. Silly. Why am I so weird? Ive been locked up and Ive seen some shit. I know pedo when I see it. Im not like that. Ive been to the hole for some of them.I thought i knew where to draw the line and that most of my line is way off whatever normal people or church people say. We all fall short of the glory and all that but they tell me too many times no sin is too great.What is trying to creep into me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2021): WiseOwlE:Thank you! I think maybe the object of my dreams very well have been sent by the devil but though church has always been part of me I don't really know what is true when it comes to details.We went to vacation bible school as soon as we were old enough. The church bus came for me. I rode the bus to an Independent Baptist church until I was 9 Ellie was 5. and we moved. I see Preacher Walla Rex's oldest has taken over and thought about adding them on facebook but i don't know. Each time i run into someone they'll see I'm missing another tooth, got some more ink, ankle monitor or whatever. They've known me since I was little on the church bus and I got saved and baptized at 7 when a little girl named Beth Ann explained that all I had to do was pray the prayer.Solid Rock Church is bible based but preacher used a bunch of bible versions. They fixed up the preacher's house so that the downstairs was all Sunday School classes and activities. They are always doing stuff like spring and fall revivals and doing after school stuff to raise money to do all sorts of things for outreach/evangelism. That's where we met Cheryl and Dana. As long as Mom could see us from the steps up the hill to the squad-plex (13 steps up that hill) we could play in the lot across the street to the dead end. Baseball kickball volleyball and badminton a few times. Bean bag toss. Cheryl and Dale were grandparents of 20 grandkids and went to Solid Rock. They were foster parents and Soul Winners. It's weird that I feel more bad about hurting Cheryl's feelings than I do my moms. Most of all Miss Moore of my Eighth Grade social studies. She came to the office when i sat there in handcuffs and asked if i were alright. After all that she just looked scared and worried. That makes me feel worse than most of the other shit I've done.Granny (foster mom) took everybody to her black Pentecostal Church. To each their own! I went back with Mom and Ellie and then the Miss Moore thing. She retired after that year. She was 4'10, had a concealed carry, walked around with this handcarved walking stick from Zimbabwe, and chain smoked. She died before i could apologize. Last she saw me she came to the psych unit to share an optional bible study (Catholic hospital). I truly felt ashamed. That was 2014.I did church and bible study in the pen all three bids with some black Jehovah Witness dudes. It was weird. I went through Salvation Army and got an actual temp job there. Salvation Army was helping with shit left and right. Then I got to be a REAL employee before the dreams came and I lost it at work. I was so ashamed of myself I used all my last paycheck to go as close to Alabama as I could.Ended up in West Kentucky. Stayed in shelters, got OK jobs like seasonal landscaping shit and then took off till I got to the right Alabama county. I did my own digging and found Bama. He's been out since 2010 and last I heard he got a job as a package handler, got his license even and got real into his church even if most ladies seem scared of him. He actually felt responsible for the situations I was in.We started going to his church and every Sunday and Wednesday "He healeth the broken in heart and bindeth up their wounds" was what Preacher said. I lived above Preacher's garage and did lawn work until my out of state felonys caught up with me. Bama tracked down Ellie and mailed the first bible he got after being released for when her and me "have a talk". Ellie always ends our rare conversations with "I have the murderers bible still. Im sure you can afford a grayhound and a cheap motel".I got out in 2018, lived in a halfway house almost 2 years and read the KJV from Genesis to Revelation and a job at Burger King. Then I got an efficiency across from the bus station and I donate plasma almost half a mile from work. The dreams are back but paying girls doesn't help make them go away.A church that accepts people like me take the bible cafeteria style. The real preachers and church people keep their distance from me so i dont get fellowship. AA and NA dont really talk about God.I don't know if I really got saved at 7 when Beth Ann tried to lead me to Christ. I think she was 8. For some reason I remember her in a rainbow striped dress and she had braces on her two front teeth I went and got Baptized that same day and felt no different.For years I waited three stanzas of Just As I Am before going up to the alter and whispering PLEASE. I obly feel different when reading the bible.Im not sure if my Salvation happened since I always did worse. I stopped updating Ellie unless she reaches out first. I guess I'll just stay boring or something. I mailed her three boys $50 Walmart cards and she freaked. They are 9 6 and 3.I don't know. I think I meant it but why did I get worse?I want to write people like Cheryl and Dana, Granny, Bama and them. I wish I knew what Beth Ann was doing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): Fighting the darkness of the spirit is something that you can't do alone. You've only flirted with faith, but you really never took it seriously. You didn't pursue God! True faith and belief in God requires prayer and reading the Bible. People try to gain spirituality through osmosis; by hanging around church, or being around church-people. That's only a start. You have to establish a one-on-one personal-relationship with the Lord. If your belief is Christian; then you know that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. Your connection to our Lord, The Almighty God, is through Christ. The Holy Spirit is the divine conduit and intercessor who counsels, guides, and teaches us how to pursue God; and then how to maintain the holy connection we've made with our Heavenly Father, The Son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Known as the Holy Trinity of the Almighty God, who is three in one. The Bible is your Holy Manual of life. It is the Word of God. Unbelievers see the Bible as fiction, God as a myth, and all of it as nonsense. Not once did you disparage or blaspheme God in your post. You maintained a reverence. Something within you won't let you cross the line.
Matthew 7: 13-14__
"13 “Enter at the narrow gate, for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who are going through it, 14 because small is the gate and narrow is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it."
No sin is too great. God forgives ALL sins. He forgets our sin, washes us clean, and creates a new you. You'll remember the past only not to repeat it; but it won't consume you, or destroy you. It taught you right from wrong, to feel empathy, to detest evil, and to desire something better. Suffering teaches us survival, refines our character, it humbles the spirit; and the belief in God gives us strength to endure whatever life throws at us. God tests us, creating strength within the spirit, and endurance; then He rewards us for trusting in Him. More than we could ever imagine! He makes promises He keeps! He's awesome! He does as He pleases...He's God! He is sovereign, and His wisdom and power is infinite. We will never comprehend why He does what He does. He created both good and evil. He has the power to control them. He created and possesses everything, so who can question His judgement or why He does things? You do as you please with all your own, right?
It's good to go to church for fellowship, and to be taught the scriptures through ministry; but often times people do nothing related to faith between Sundays. The soul requires nourishment. God's love provides that, and everything and anything else you need! Unfortunately, for many it's just church on Sunday, and life as usual through the week. You'll get nothing out of that kind of life, and you won't change. In fact, that's what darkness feeds on. Rebellion, selfishness, uncontrolled anger, cruelty, dishonor, lies, an unhealthy love of money, idolatry, promiscuity, and an unbelief in God. Not everybody wants to live according to God's rules. He allows them a choice. Only, all choices have consequences. Belief in Him, or not!
People think God imposes all these hard rules to follow, that are impossible to keep. That's a lie, because the Holy Spirit is there to teach us and make a way. God made us, and knows our faults and weaknesses. He loves and blesses both good and bad people alike. Why? Let Him worry about that! Is it logical to demand perfection knowing we are imperfect? The omniscient and omnipotent Creator of all things would know better than that. Thus, He sent Jesus to absorb all the worst in us on Himself, in order to save us from God's wrath; and to deliver us from our sins. Now we have grace to make up for our weakness and inability to be perfect. Grace is a free gift, you don't earn it. It compensates where our humanity and weakness of the flesh fall short. He fixed it so we can't fail, if we pray and repent of our sins.
Unbelief and doubt is what the devil uses to separate us from God. He also uses people to be tools to corrupt us, rob us of our innocence, he creates shame, and does everything to create the illusion and false-belief that God is powerless, ignoring our suffering; while evil prevails. He does everything he can to keep your mind dwell on the pain of the past, he imprisons us in our misery, he never allows you a moment's peace, he makes you feel worthless, and hopeless. He fills us with darkness, shame, sadness, and despair. We can go to the best therapists, and he will block any benefit we receive; because we haven't allowed God to be part of our healing. Hopelessness puts up a shield to make us feel nothing and no-one can save us. The devil is a liar! He is the prince of lies! He is the king of darkness, but nothing he does can't be undone by Jesus!
In your Christian teaching, you've learned Jesus defied death after the cross, and snatched the keys of life from the hands of the devil. It all sounds mythical and crazy to an unbeliever; but not to those chosen by Christ. He chooses us, we do not choose Him. He knew us before we were even born! Jesus took all sin and suffering upon His own body, and reconciled the sins of mankind with God. Therefore, you can be delivered and saved from anything, if you repent and submit to God. You don't stop suffering, and bad things still happen. You just don't face them alone, you won't suffer more than you can bear; and He offers healing and comfort just for the asking. He blesses for no reason, and only wants our love in-return. He requires obedience, by setting rules to live by. He can't have us just living any old way all over this beautiful planet He designed. Yet we do, and we're destroying it, and killing ourselves. Hating each other, and running amuck! He tells us what He's going to do about evil in the Bible. He warns us of the consequences of evil. Listen, or ignore! We're free to choose!
Once you attempt to get to know Him, He reveals His secrets, miracles, and wonders to you. Why would so many people keep following Him, if nobody ever found His promises and existence to be real! I testify from my own experience. I've seen unbelievable things! I've survived things, but I can't say anything like the things that you have!
I am no dream interpreter. The recurring dream is the theft of your innocence. It is to create guilt and a disturbance within your spirit; but something stronger within you rejects her. She seems ageless and beautiful; and she stirs the lusts within you, yet you still consciously reject her. She fakes the appearance of an angel, but she is profane. She is a succubus, the "Jezebel spirit." God will never allow her to hurt you. Your inner-conflict is the Holy Spirit stirring a desire within you to seek deliverance from evil. It is what we Christians refer to as conviction. You/we resist and hate evil naturally. Even the unbeliever has the inherent knowledge of right and wrong; but those chosen by Christ for deliverance and salvation struggle within the spirit and the soul. We hunger for the love and protection of Christ, we yearn to be near Him. Yet darkness does everything he can to keep us in darkness, and throw us off-balance. He creates shame and guilt for our weaknesses and mistakes. Thus your dreams!
It goes deeper than just guilt and depression. You feel perverted by the dream. That's because of the stifled need to be good remains as your natural-defense or immunity; fighting not to allow yourself to act on impulses that feel unnatural or evil. Jesus is working to save you, and you are being pulled towards salvation. You just haven't found the right ministry to lead you in the right direction. Churchy people and ministers who lack true anointing just talk and throw the Bible at people, but don't shepherd them to find Jesus. They won't mention "the devil," or use the word "sin;" fearing people will think they're crazy, or they'll lose people to fill their pews. If you seek God, He'll make certain you find Him! I did!
You mentioned your connection to church by no coincidence. Your remote connection to church was not a random incident. You are drawn divinely to find something better and good. You want God, but you are afraid you're not good enough. I don't know what compels me to write all this; but I think you are onto something. If you read the Bible, you will find it. It at first seems like a lot of confusing words. You can get plain English translations. Pray for understanding before you read it, and then read. Something within you will change. Pray for guidance, and you will find your way through the help of the Holy Spirit. You've had a very hard life; but it's broken-people like you who Jesus loves so much. Prideful, unbelieving, and arrogant people don't feel a need for anything holy; but people with a broken-spirit who cry-out to the Lord will find Him. All He asks us to do is knock! If you pray for the dreams to stop, the dreams will go-away. Prayer will change you, and protect you.
May the Lord guide your steps, soothe and comfort your broken-spirit, and may you find and understand the true meaning of the love of Christ. It's a journey. It takes a lifetime to travel. You will never feel lost or helpless, because you'll feel His presence.
Feel free to reject every word of this post. Somehow, I don't think you will. If it doesn't help you, it will help somebody else.
God bless you, I wish you the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): Hi
What a story, have you posted on here before, a few years ago? your story sounds familiar in some ways but advanced regarding the dreams.
I do think you need professional help and I suggest you follow up this, just to make logical sense out of your inner turbulence and understand.
Please seek professional assistance, this will help unresolved issues.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 February 2021):
 Maybe she is your age because it's a "safe age" for your "inner child".
It's impossible to say. Generally, imaginary friends are usually for younger kids. Not that of an 11 year old but given your history, she was the only SAFE thing in your life.
Your dreams are not a picture of reality. Her being a kid doesn't mean you want to diddle kids or hurt kids. Your dreams are your brain trying to sort stuff out, if your imaginary friend is still with you, the same dream some 30+ years later there are obviously things that ISN'T sorted out for you.
But I'm not psychiatrist or counselor.
My advice? Some DEEP counseling, find a therapist or psychiatrist who deals with childhood trauma. Sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): It's hard to know where to draw the line for anyone! You already know what's illegal and what isn't and you've been to enough churches to know roughly what behavior is expected. What you're refering to is your conscience: do I feel remorse? Do I want to help someone, hurt them, or leave them alone? Of course it's not just that easy. Sounds like you did draw the line in a few places! You felt remorse when you ruined your favorite teacher's map, you say you've never raised a hand to a woman or a child in your life, you felt "like shit" when you found out a prostitute was 21. You fear you're a perv and that something is creeping into you because the main subject in your wet dreams never ages. Sounds like you DO have a conscience.You know wet dreams happen roughly age 11 and since you were very young of course she was too! You had close to no sex knowledge so of course she flew through your window and kissed on you. You had also bden through a trauma and were anticipating all the things that were going to come along with it. That's a lot for an 11 year old to handle! I don't know about wet dreams other than they're normal (and how you described your dreams sounds normal). My guess is she comforted you more than anything and your sleeping brain came up with an ageless fairy-like angel creature. I do not think you're a pedofile. You know you're not! You do know that with no drugs you can hold down a job,hopefully pay bills, and be the quiet, hardworking guy. As far as church comes in, stick around even after you make mistakes and ask your pastor/church leader who you can talk to if you're struggling. Maybe Google churches that cater to people who have overcome things you have. Paul (as in the guy who wrote most of the New Testament) was essentially a bounty hunter who hated Christians so much he made sure they were tortured and killed. Look where he ended up! Seems like anyone can be saved! If you're hanging around church people,especially reformed people, you'll find some who are nonjudgmental, helpful, and have ideas for what to do to keep busy and productive.I know it isn't easy but as far as I can tell, your dreams are just that: dreams. I really don't think you've crossed THAT line at all.
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