A
female
age
30-35,
*leepwalker710
writes:I [28F] have a successful career and live in a different country to my family. They have been putting huge pressure on me to meet guys they set me up with and get married. I have never had trouble dating but it's been a while since I've had a long term relationship. A month back I met a guy they pressured me to meet and we had a pretty good time. Theoretically he's compatible with where we are in life and he's a kind, interesting guy who seems to be genuinely into me. It feels like we had a few standard good dates, but I don't know that I'd want to marry him. One thing led to another and I ended up default agreeing. Now everyone's excited about the wedding and are starting full blown preparations. It seems everyone but me. I don't know that I want to marry this guy. I could still end it now, but it would cause a lot of heartbreak for both our families since they've already told everyone. I also don't know if it want to end it, what if he might be the one who got away?Taking more time to figure it out isn't an option. I genuinely enjoy his company and he seems to really be excited at the idea of marrying me. But shouldn't I feel the same? Will I be throwing away a solid thing for some more indefinite casual dating?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2021): This is a culture issue, so I'm going to choose my words carefully. I will presume you are of Indian heritage or Asian. If your family has chosen someone for you, and you've agreed to marriage, a lot of expense and preparation has already gone into the wedding. If a dowry has already been exchanged, to back out will cause your family much humiliation.
You should immediately talk to your parents about how you feel, because things may be moving too fast and you're only getting cold-feet or the jitters; which is natural for a bride to be. It's a big step in your life. You may always feel this way once the reality of a pending wedding hits you.
You know by tradition that if you don't find yourself a husband, the family is going to pressure you; and insist on finding one for you. If you need more time, then now is the time to make it known to both sets of parents.
If you don't want them to choose a husband for you, then it might be a good idea to compromise; and ask if they'd let you see what you can do on your own first. You and I both know, if they're pressuring you; they will likely insist on choosing a husband for you. Your parents probably want grandchildren, and they will be relentless. You're close to 30! That's why they're being so pushy!
Maybe you just need more time to get to know him; and being rushed is causing you angst, because you really don't know him. One good sign, is that you have said nothing but nice things about him. If time is all you need, then let them all know NOW! To try and back-out at the last minute will be an extreme embarrassment to both families; but to be pushed before you're ready will cause you to build-up great resentment towards your husband.
The fact your parents stepped-in to find you a husband indicates you come from a very traditional family; and to make them lose face in the eyes of his family, and your extended family, will cause a ripple-effect that will take years to repair. Now is the time to speak-up!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): You don't know this guy!
How can you marry someone you do not now?
You are and adult.
You need to be responsible for yourself.
I'm sure that parents want the best for you... in theory. But they are also selfish in imposing you their ideas.
It's hard to know anyone without having lived with that person and gone through things.
My friend is from a Mulim family and she married a non-practicing Muslim (or so she thought), a guy whom she dated for less than a year. But they never lived together. So, she was shocked to find out that he was lying to her about his attitude towards religion. She felt betrayed.
I dated my husband for 3 years (we lived for almost 2) before getting married. And in these three years we went through some very difficult moments and stuck together and supported each other. I knew what I was getting into and so did he.
Parents die and we have to have the lives we want to live not the lives they would have wanted to live.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (3 February 2021):
 You need to talk to your parents and the sooner the better. Marriage is never something to take lightly or to "hope for the best". Its a hard road for even the deepest in love and if you are unsure of your feelings, you need time to decide what is best for you. Certainly your parents want you to be happy and they don't want you to make a mistake. It might cause some hurt feelings now but its far better to call off a wedding then it is to go through a divorce. TALK to everyone involved. In the end, it is your life and the life of your fiance..not the families.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2021):
 Talk to your parents? Sooner rather than later.
Maybe ask for a longer engagement so you can feel more SURE of your own feelings?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2021): Who cares what anyone else thinks.Do not get married if you are not ready.Gosh you only have known him a month.You should at least be with someone two years before you even think about being engaged.You really do not even know who this man really is at this point.Why do fast...what is he trying to hide???You do not know because you really do not know him.Two years girl...be smart.
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