A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is kind of embarrassing but here we go. I have been in a LDR for several years. Not long after we started dating my boyfriend talked me into, um, pleasuring myself on camera for him. So I did and it's become a regular thing where we do it several times a week. Well one time he asked me if I would do anal (I have never had anal sex before) and I did it for him, but I found it really uncomfortable, painful, and didn't get any pleasure from it. Ever since then ALL he ever asks for is anal... he told me once before that he didn't like the way my vagina looked (I have larger inner labia, sorry for details but I think that's what bothers him. I don't even like how I look down there for the most part) and that he probably wouldn't be able to give me oral because he doesn't think he'd enjoy it =\ He knows that I'm insecure about how I look down there and I have low self-esteem but he continually makes me feel ugly/unwanted when I can't even pleasure myself for him, all I do is anal for him because he will whine and complain if I ask to do mine instead. Or he'll say I can do mine after I do anal but anal doesn't turn me on whatsoever so I'm never in the mood to do mine after. We have had numerous fights over this, I say that he's being selfish for only wanting me to do something I don't like, and he gets mad at me and gives me the silent treatment or starts a fight. I wouldn't mind doing it every now and then since I know he likes it so much but it's really bothering me that that seems to be all he wants. I've tried to compromise with him (ex. I do mine then anal the next time and just alternate but he won't follow through with it!!) And I'm supposed to go visit him this summer (it'll be the first time we'll meet in real life because between work, university, and financial issues we haven't had the chance to do so yet) and I'm scared that he'll only want anal sex. I've brought this up to him and he says that he definitely wants to try anal sex but doubts he'll want it every time... but seeing how much he likes it when I do it solo I can pretty much guarantee he'll like it better than vaginal. I'm scared that we aren't going to be sexually compatible because I don't think he will be turned on at all by me unless he does anal (he never asks to see my boobs, said he probably wouldn't give me oral, never wants to see me pleasure myself unless it's anal). Please help! Is he being selfish or am I not understanding his viewpoint?? I have needs too and he just doesn't seem to understand that
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anal sex, boobs, in the mood, insecure, university, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, citadel  +, writes (15 June 2012):
Do you know his last name?
Do you know his phone number?
Do you know his parents, friends?
Do you know anything more than the fact he's a very scary person.
Whatever info, solid info you have you need to share that with someone you know.
I've been here for years and I'm telling you, read all these posts, we are sensing some huge danger here.
You need to talk to a person you trust.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Just because he’s the same age as you does not mean he’s not a creep or a perv OP.
He got mad when you asserted yourself. He’s so clearly seeing you as nothing but a virtual sex toy. YOU are not a real person to him.
I am concerned that if you go to see him, he will force you to have anal sex or other sexual things with him and to be honest you think you know him but you’ve never met him and you have no clue what goes on when he’s not on screen with you…
STRONGLY STRONGLY think about not visiting him especially ON HIS TURF.
I want to scare you with this: THIS IS HOW WOMEN ARE KILLED….. Do you know who Ted Bundy was? He was the most charming, most attractive, most kind, gentlemanly man, he even worked on a suicide hotline when he wasn’t murdering young women….
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Who says that a creep and a perv must be old ?
Do you even realize what you have written ?: " We get along great, as long other that when it comes the time for our cybersex ". Which is the time when he pressures you and bullies into doing sexual acts that you hate and give you no pleasure at all, and he concentrates exclusively on his own pleasure ,- and on your ass because your other body parts disgust him and turn him off. And when you don't give in , he gets angry.
That's the equivalent of writing " My bf and I get along great and we talk about everything and he is my best friend , the only problem is that when he gets drunk, which happens a few times a week, he gets violent and kicks me and slaps me around... but then the day after everything is great , .. and this is our only issue ".
This is an issue big enough to sink a ship, forget a relationship, and if you don't see that, then you are not naive , you are DANGEROUSLY naive.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 June 2012):
 He's nice until he hears the word 'no'? You hate anal, you've told him so, yet that's all he wants to see?
Ah, honey, you've been groomed. You don't have to be old to be a creeper or pervert. There are plenty of young handsome perverts. Sounds like you found one.
I'd stop doing the sex act that makes you unhappy, uncomfortable and which provides ZERO sexual pleasure for you and a lot of pain. That's easy enough. If he can't deal with that, he's not the guy for you.
Nothing you added in your update makes me think, 'oh, he's the guy for YOU!' In fact, it reinforces the obvious, which is.... he's a loser. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): Hi all, OP here (I lost the code that this site gives you when you're not a member lol my bad). Thank you all for your insight, I've been thinking about our relationship and if it is salvable. He's not a dirty old pervert or creeper lol, he's same age as me, maybe I didn't give off that vibe in my OP (I was really upset when I typed that out yesterday) but we get along great other than when it comes time for our "cybersex" lol. Please don't think I am being naive or dumb in wanting to stay with him, as this is really our only issue. I can talk to him about virtually everything and he's one of my best friends. And he used to be into watching me do mine, so I guess that's why I don't understand why it's flipped to as soon as I tried anal that's all he wants to see. I feel like an old married couple where he just wants to rush and get his done, that's why he doesn't ask for anything else. I know that this is partly my fault, because I have given in to him so many times already, I should have been more firm and not give into him all the time with something I don't like... Also last night after I posted this I told him that I'm not going to do everything he wants from now on until he starts accepting that I have needs too and that I want him to make me feel sexy and I don't think that's too much to ask of him. He got mad at me but I went and hung out with one of my friends instead of staying home arguing with him and he got over it. I will just have to keep up with this and see if his attitude changesAlso, the reason I would be going to see him is because I'm flying out to visit my best childhood friend that lives a couple hours beyond him, so I'd go stay with her then on my way back through stop and stay with him. I will see how things go though, if he's going to be selfish and continue acting this way then you guys are right, I do not need to put up with it and should re-evaluate our relationship. Thanks again everyone!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 June 2012):
 Wow, STOP talking to this guy, he doesn't care about you at all. ANY ASSHOLE would do for him.
The fact that he asks you to do stuff that you do not even want to do, enjoy doing or want to do again is a MAJOR red flag. It's CALLED being controlling and callous. HE DOESN'T CARE about you or your enjoyment.
I agree with Auntie Bim Bim he is grooming you to do anal with him, nothing else. The guy doesn't like boobs or a vagina? WTH? Honestly having big or small inner labia doesn't make a vagina more or less pretty. The fact that it is ATTACHED to YOU should make it the prettiest pussy in the world!!!
Does he pleasure himself on webcam for you?
Nothing he does or want to do is about YOU. He will most likely NEVER (you said) give you oral.. WHAT? Not that a guy HAS to do that but I would venture a guys that if a guy is REALLY interested/lusting after a girl he is willing to at least TRY to please her too.
SAVE your money. Don't go see him.
Making you do anal stuff doesn't make him gay per say, BUT it does show that he wants you to do stuff you do not enjoy for HIM. CONTROL. It's not you, your anus that turns him on, it's the fact that he can MAKE you do things that is his kicker.
Delete him from EVERYTHING in your life and move on. DO not engage is sexual stuff on the web with someone you don't really know. You have NO idea if he is recording it, selling it, showing it to goodness knows who.
Sorry honey, the dude is sick.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 June 2012):
You have not even MET him IRL and you let him have this kind of evil control? he does NOT care about YOU only himself.
dump him sweetie.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 June 2012):
When I read this my first thought was: this guy must be gay. Because I've never met a straight guy who had an issue with what basically makes women women.
Leave him, OP, before he does some real damage to your self esteem. His opinion is not valuable and this is not a real relationship. Just look at what you wrote here! He does not seem to care about you at all and is only interested in anal sex. Well anal sex is a strange thing in itself, as it's an output channel, not input. Plus it is painful for a lot of women and can even lead to hemorrhoids, etc. I'm not purposely bashing those who do enjoy it, but for a man to only like that kind of sex is very very strange....unless he's gay that is. Then it all makes sense. I think he's in denial about his sexuality, OP.
Break it off, don't meet him this summer and get away from the webcam. If there are suitable people far away there are suitable people close by as well. You just have to put yourself out there and meet them. Honestly dear, dump this weirdo.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 June 2012):
I echo what the other aunts have already said. And I just wanted to add one thing: if you dislike a sex act because it is painful and uncomfortable, stop doing it. You don't need any more explanation than that.
In the final analysis, you two are not sexually compatible and the obstacles to a viable relationship are so large as to make this virtual relationship over before the real life one even began.
I know you have low self-esteem so overcoming a break up will be painful, but it may also be the start of a new, healthier life for you. Turn off the webcam and stop interacting with people who find only fault with you, you deserve to be loved as you are with the perfect body that you have. There is nothing wrong with your body, there is nothing wrong with not wanting anal sex, there is nothing wrong with your labia. You are normal and perfect just as you are.
Be well.
P.S. He is selfish.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 June 2012):
He understands you have needs, he just does not care. No boobs, no oral, no vagina, no pleasure for you ? That does not even sound like a sexual ( or cybersexual ) relationship , it sounds like a guy that's too cheap to pay for his favourite porn and he's using you to save a few bucks !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): And you're putting up with this why?
Seriously why?
Your "boyfriend" is a closet homosexual by the sounds of things OP.
He doesn't like boobs, he doesn't like vaginas and only likes to see things go up an ass? Sounds gay to me.
OP if you're worried about how your vagina looks google 'show your vagina!' a lady who was insecure about hers created that site so women could see what real vaginas looks like.
Go on that site and have a look, you'll see how many different shapes and sizes there are and you know what OP, us straight guys love them all. We love all the shapes and sizes they come in and my personal preference is big labia because there's more to play with.
This guy is not normal at all and he's being far too respectful to you, if you think his opinion is common then seriously look at that website, the human race would have died out a long time ago because long labia or one long labia or big clitoris etc. are all very common.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): Please leave this guy and dont look back. You are young. You will find someone else. If this guy cared about you, he would not be so selfish and say such things. He is only wanting sex.
And, if you haven't met and he is getting you to do this all on web cam, very suspicious. Do NOT have actual sex with this man. Do not go visit him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): Wow, selfish in not the word... If you dont like something and you have told him and he still want you to do it all the time it shows he dose not respect or care for you.. And if he dose not care what you want sexually he diffidently doesn't..
I say get rid of him their is a lot of men that will give you the satisfaction you want and need.
If he doesn't give you oral just say your not going to pleasure your self anally and give him anal sex... Its give and take.
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A
female
reader, Invisible_pain  +, writes (13 June 2012):
NooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOO... leave it now. If a man EVER pressure you to do SEXUAL things for him and does not return the favour.. he's an ASSHOLE! COme on you dont' even like it. He does nto respect you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's horrible and AuntyBimBim is right. Whya re YOU visiting him? Does he really love u? if he does he wont make u do things u don't like. it's supposed ot give and receive nto GIVE AND GIVE and ur giving and he's forcefully taking... Pls love.. youa re better off with a man who can treat u right.. love you for the flaws. If your labia is thicker i assure there will be a man out there who will LOVE it and LOVE what you lvoe and is able to pleasure you too. If he convinced you int he first place, you DON't want to be compeled to do things u don't want to do. U'll end up hurt and and in pain. Drop it now. Realyl think about how angrya nd annoyed and frustrated he makes u feel. Tell himand if he fights with you.. stand your ground! Good luck.. pls leave this relationship and come out stronger . Hugs
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (13 June 2012):
 You are correct, this man is selfish and only interested in what pleases him, your needs and preferences are not important to him at all.
It sounds very much as if he has been grooming you, please talk face to face with somebody you trust, I advise you reconsider this relationship and the proposed trip. And, just because I am interested, how come it is YOU going to visit him, why isn't HE coming to visit you?
It all sounds very suss and very dangerous to me.
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