A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husbands parents live in canada, weve been together 10 years and they've only come to England once in that time (for our wedding). After the birth of our 1st child they said they were coming to see their grand daughter. They kept changing their minds regarding dates, and when our daughter was 5 months old they said they'd booked flights and would be here in 2 months. Initially I was happy as I was keen for my husband to see his parents and for them to meet their granddaughter. I assumed they were coming for 2 weeks. However, they booked for 6 weeks. I was a bit annoyed as, I thought it was rude to assume that you can stay with someone for 6 weeks - have only met them twice and we live in a small house which doesn't really have enough room for them.My husband assured me it would be ok. So they are now 5 weeks into their 6 week trip. I have been sleeping on the living room floor for 5 weeks as we gave them our room and our daughter has the very small second bedroom. I have become very tired as they don't go to bed until midnight (I cant sleep earlier as they are in the living room) and I have to get up with the baby at 4:45-5am, I cant sleep during the day as I have nowhere to sleep. As a result I have become extremely tired and have now developed the flu. On top of that I've come to realise his parents are not very nice people. They basically keep making comments about the way we live (we don't have much money) dissing our car, furniture etc.. and my parenting skills! They only have one week left with us, however, I am really not feeling very well and desperately need to sleep. Ive told my husband that I will go and stay in a hotel with the baby for the last few days. He says I am being really rude and that I should make an effort and stay.I don't know what to do...thanks for your advice
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 This stress could have all been avoided had you not listened to your Husbands assurance that it will be ok... where has he been during this time; work or home entertaining his parents? When some men say, it’ll all be ok, it seldom is; that is not a plan!
I don’t agree that 6 weeks is rude if you consider the distance and the time in between visits. Had they come from Australia to visit, 2 weeks would have been an insult! These people are also not staying with somebody..., they’re staying with FAMILY!? What if they don’t have a next time to visit; Hooray for you :), but perhaps they’re life is near over for travelling across the pond to the UK!?
Given the house is small I understand those conditions as I too give up our bed for my partners elderly parents visit. Yet that discomfort is only minor (to me) and temporary, however I have my partner help with ALL the extra work involved. Bed time is set after a Movie, sorry but its lights out for I have to sleep or be a bytch the next day. Thankfully they’re obliging and go to bed early. And everyone does there bit to keep me sane. Go visit the shops etc without me, so I have my space (to write Dear Cupid.)
Sadly you’ve discovered the hard way how not to over accommodate family visitors. They’re ok if you’re the one in control and know what you’re doing. Unfortunately you’ve discovered they’re not all that pleasant, the criticising grates the issue of their long stay even further.
Had you needed sleep during the day, what was the problem with telling them to mind their Grand-daughter that part of the day while you snooze in the bedroom? Or ask them to help prepare dinner, load the washing; hang out the laundry etc. if they didn’t volunteer? If you needed rest or assistance where and what was your Husband doing? It doesn’t sound there was any or much teamwork cause now you got the flu :( from exhaustion.
Asking to be excused for the last week, for you to stay in a Hotel is kind of, look at me, look how your over stay has affected my health... I’d opt for a FIRM swap of sleeping arrangements; it’s their turn for the floor, with no disrespect intended! Cause you have a legitimate reason for the return of your space and comfort.
Just think it’ll all be over soon, it was a temporary glitch in learning the dos and don'ts of family visiting from abroad...
Take Care of that flu – CAA
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 Houseguests like fish start to smell after three days.
they have SO overstayed their welcome.
and yes if you can afford it take the baby and go get some rest... HOW RUDE OF THEM.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): Hopefully this dreadful experience will assure you are better prepared to lay down your rules and boundaries before they ever come to stay again. I would not have given up my bed for 1 week let alone 5 or 6 weeks. No wonder you are poorly. They are clearly very selfish but you are letting them. As you are ill you have two options - go and stay with a friend or other relative and explain the situation or ask them to sleep in the living room (seeing as they are up so late anyway). Unfortunately their controlling behaviour seems to work on your husband and he is too scared or so used to it that he is just grateful you have been so accommodating. However, being ill with flu is a big price to pay for him seeing his family - and his loyalty is with you and your children. Personally I would go and stay with a sympathetic relative - at least that way you will have someone on your side when you have this out with your husband - which I have no doubt you will have to discuss it when they have flown back. Be glad they don't live around the corner!
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (8 July 2014):
 They should have checked with you first whether it was OK to stay 6 weeks. Having said that, it's only 1 week to go so I would just stick it out.
Be sure to speak to your husband to ensure he never allows this situation to happen again.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (8 July 2014):
 I'm somebody who really doesn't deal well with any confrontation ..... if I was in your situation I expect I would have martyred myself and given up my nice comfortable bed, and suffered in silence with a smile plastered n my face deferring my feelings for everybody elses .... and if I felt people were being negative about my life, house, car and other belongings I would soon be starting to feel very resentful.
Sleeping on the floor, and not getting a full night's sleep, it is no surprise you now have the flu.
Tell them straight out, tell them you are feeling sick and haven't been getting enough sleep and that you need your bedroom during the day when the baby is asleep so you can catch up on yours. Move on back in there.
With a bit of luck the light might come on for them and they will start pulling their weight, and for the last week maybe they will take on some of the chores, the cooking, some laundry .... icing on the cake would be if THEY decided to go somewhere else for a few days.
And if they don't, remind yourself its only one more week ... tell your husband when they go you are expecting him to step up and help you regain your health and reclaim your home.
I hope it sorts itself without any upsets before they go home, kiss them goodbye and next time don't be so generous with your home or your time.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): I know this will sound harsh but you've actually created this situation.
Instead of assuming that his parents would be reasonable and only stay for 2 weeks, it's your responsibility as a mature and grown up woman to say that they could stay for 2 weeks, or 3 weeks absolute max right from the start.
It seems like you have a tendency to be quite passive about accepting unacceptable things, and then your reaction when it all gets unbearable is to retreat.
This is a childlike way of responding. And it will keep happening over and again. You need to be more assertive generally and from the outset in all situations.
The best you can do in the present situation is 'damage control' - it's too late to go back to the start and suddenly put in rules and boundaries that will now seem excessive. Next time be far more assertive. This time, limit the damage done by explaining you're ill and very tired because you're a new Mum and that sleeping on the floor in the communal living room for this long is not as easy as you expected. ASK them for any suggestions about how to resolve the situation. If you make it clear to them they can consult with you to help the problem, and if you do this without any sarcasm or anger at all, they will come to some sort of solution without you having to enforce rules and upset them. It won't be a perfect solution but it will help. They'll probably raise their hackles initially, just to make sure you're not indirectly telling them to 'f off' - their pride will be a little hurt - but if you put THEM in the adult position of deciding with you what to do for the best, it paves the way forward for the future - you all need to get a sense of being able to discuss options, choices, differences of opinions and come to a mutual agreement. Doing this now will help for the future and the longer term.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 Forget the in-laws, I would be hopping mad at my husband if he was this insensitive! He doesn't have a problem with you sleeping on the floor? He doesn't realize that you're the one who's facing the brunt of it all, with the new baby, the in-laws and the difficult living situation? He doesn't think how absolutely miserable you must be right now, with all of this PLUS having to deal with the flu?
Tell him that enough is enough, you need rest, you need to sleep and this situation has taken its toll on you. You're not being rude,its his parents who're being rude and you have tolerated enough. If they have a problem with the way you live, then why are they even there at your place for 6 weeks, without so much as a useful contribution? Not only have they taken up your personal space, they are also making life miserable for you!
Look, under normal circumstances, moving to a hotel would be rude but your health and well-being are the priority here and if this is the way to do it, then go for it. I don't think you should worry about what they think because they clearly don't give a flying toss about what you feel! Criticizing your parenting skills? Come on..that's unacceptable! That would have really pushed me over the edge.
If you don't set some boundaries, they will always take you for a ride and expect you to be the docile daughter-in-law who tows the line and who will take their crap without any problems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): They shouldn't be staying there for six weeks and putting you out of your bedroom when you have a such a small home. If it were a few days maybe, but not 6 weeks. I would ask them to either sleep in the living room or they should go to a motel for the last week, if they won't do either then you should go to get some rest and to have a break from them and their constant criticisms.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 July 2014):
 Hang in there . It's nearly over. Only one more week to go !
It is not THAT bad- comparatively. If you think that you have seen this people once in 10 years .... there's tons of people who have to deal with unsavoury in laws every days of their life, or every week !
In this context,I understand the 6 weeks visit, I mean, Canada is not exactly around the corner from you, maybe they know they won't have the time / the money to visit again any time soon, and wanted to have their fill of their son- and of their baby granddaughter . It's sort of sweet , actually.
Although , terribly inconvenient for you , I realize it.
I think that you can simply tell the truth : as a sleep deprived new mom you are extremely tired , plus you have got the flu - you absolutely need a good rest and,alas, you need to reclaim your bedroom. THEY can stay in the living room for this one last week. You can also suggest that your husband takes a day or two off work, so he can take them somewhere on some day trip, so you can have the house all to yourself and you can catch up with your zzzz's ( hoping that baby will cooperate ).
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 July 2014):
I agree with him however it's your house and regarding the sleeping arrangements, you should have been clear to them about what time you need to go to sleep by if they have a problem with that offer them the living room to sleep in.
If you're tired nows the time to speak up.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 Sounds like a good thing you've got an ocean between you most of the time. His parents sound remarkably insensitive, and your husband clueless. Having a new mother sleep on the floor?? I wouldn't do that to my daughter in-law -- I'd be aghast at the suggestion. Of course, I wouldn't crash in someone's tiny home for six weeks, I'd rent a flat or a motel.
It seems clear that if you do move to a hotel for the last week the result will be hurt feelings at best, and a family rift at worst. Given how unreasonable these people are, I don't know quite how much I would worry about it, but you're the one who has to live with them for the rest of your married life. Personally I think your health and mental well-being are more important and I would go to the hotel. That might make these boors clue in to what an imposition they are.
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