A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I am trying to decide what to do regarding living arrangements next year and it's making me have sleepless nights with worrying over it. I am living with two guys at the minute, one is moving away to university and the other is a guy I've been friends with for about 5 years, Paul. The friend I've had for 5 years, I have lived with him twice before and the second year we lived together we had massive problems and I ended up moving in with someone else. He was controlling, manipulative, pedantic and an unpleasant person to be around so my best friend and I, after living with him decided to live together just the two of us.This year, after my friend moved back home to live with her parents and because I was trying to find a place pretty fast, Paul and I moved in together again, alongside a guy called Dean. Paul has changed his ways a bit in that he's a lot more easy going and relaxed, but obviously working full time means I'm around him a lot less and having a boyfriend means I spend time at his too and am hanging out at his instead.A friend of mine, Kathy has asked if I want to live with her this year and I have been going over in my mind in what to do. It's a case of practicality over emotions. In the practical sense, living with Paul would be easier as I like my flat, it means not having to move and I live within walking distance of work, but in the emotional sense, I really like Kathy, she would be more fun and easy going to live with and I would feel more comfortable with her as a house mate.Paul is arrogant, annoying and borderline racist to be honest and there are times if he rings me or is in the flat I just don't want to be around him and would prefer solitude in my room. Kathy is good fun, a good friend and is someone I like spending my free time with, whereas with Paul, I would only choose to spend time with him if i'm in the house and we don't really hang out outside of the house.I'm at an age now where I am fed up of renting and want to buy my own house but need a couple of years to save up for a deposit. I am trying to decide the best course of action. I want to do what makes me happy but I can't decide right now and am also worried that if Kathy and I were to move in together that problems could arise that would risk our friendship, whereas with Paul, if something ruined our friendship, it wouldn't take me long to get over it as we aren't that close and I do often assess whether or not I need him in life or not.What would any of you do in my position? Do you choose the more impractical route or do you think practically about it? To make matters worse, I told Paul that Kathy wants to live with me and he was a bit annoyed by it because he thought it was sneaky. Paul and I had already had a talk prior to this and had agreed to stay together in the house, so the other thing that's making me worried would be then turning round and telling him I've changed my mind and seeming like a backstabber. Any advice is really appreciated. Thank you.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 I would stay with Paul, even if he is far from perfect as a roommmate.
Not having to nove all your stuff, and walking distance from work ?!. Those are two huge bonuses. Kathy should be funnier than Seinfeld to make ME move.
Then, do you really need " fun " roommates ? Why ? . You have your work, your boyfriend , and hopefully, your other friends and a social life. For that limited time that you'll be spending at home, even if you don't have a bestie to chitchat with non stop- in fact, I'd say it would be a rest and a privilige spending a few hours alone in peace and quiet , reading or watching TV or doing whatvere by yourself !
Moreover, you only know Kathy as a fun, easy going friend with whom it's nice to GO OUT. You have no idea how she'd be as a roommate . People are very different when you LIVE with them, and when you just hang out with them for recreation. She might surprise you and not in a positive way, - you can't take as a given and count as a plus the fact that she seems easy to be around, because actually, you don't know that.
Finally, didn't you say you had AGREED with Paul to stay ? Well, of course, you had not exactly signed a blood pact or taken an oath, and people do change their mind....but if you had AGREED already , and the only reason you can come up with for taking your word back is " because Kathy is funnier ", well, if he sees you as a bit of a backstabber I could not totally blame him...
A
female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 i would say live with whoever has better living habits...i've just finished my degree at uni, and i'm relieved I never have to live with my housemates again! One of them was so messy and noisy even though she was a lovely person. On your description, i'd probably choose Kathy as eventhough you may be further away from work, home is where you relax, so you want it to be as nice as possible :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): I didn't read the entire post, but my impression is that you already know what you want to do but are afraid of hurting someone else's feelings.
Do what you want!! Don't work about Kathy or Paul, they'll both be fine with whatever you choose (even if they act mopey about it).
Also, Paul doesn't sound like much fun and I don't know why you'd want to live with him, anyway.
Yours and Kathy's friendship will be fine as long as you COMMUNICATE. I think the trick to a successful roommateship is to bring something up if it bothers you. If she leaves her dishes in the sink for a week and it bothers you but you don't say anything, you will be frustrated and she will pick up on it but not know why. But if you are OPEN about your expectations for living together then I doubt you will have any issues!
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