A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure where to begin with this without making it a long drawn out story, so I'll do my best to make it short and sweet. My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years now and during that time we have aquired mutual friends. I'm not by any means bragging but, it's obvious that some of them like me more than just a friend, which is no big deal. But lately several of them have been acting on their feelings behind my husband's back. My problem here is that I don't want to tell my husband and destroy friendships that he has established, because in all, they're good people. But at the same time I feel uncomfortable around them now. I've made it clear to all of them that I will not cheat on my husband, but I'm also too nice to be a bitch about it. (Don't get me wrong, I have been firm about it, but in a nice way). But that answer doesn't seem to be good enough for them because they continue to take every opportunity (when my husband is not around) to try and sweet talk me and feel on me. I don't know how to get my point across without being a bitch or telling my husband. Any suggestions? And please take into consideration that I DO NOT like to hurt anyone's feelings. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (8 October 2008):
 Funnily enough I had a txt from that neighbour I mentioned this morning saying 'have I upset you because you're ignoring me' I said you're looking for someone to talk dirty to, i'm not interested, you're attached. And i'm not desperate. He replied with 'so are we not mates anymore then' I said course we are but i'm not getting into discussions about massages! you know what I mean. He said ok then, will try my best.
What a twit. Its offensive that guys think you wanna pander to their hormones fluctuations.
Hope you dont get anymore hassle.
C xxxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice. I will leave it as it is now, but the next time I will be stern and tell them that I will go to my husband if they cross that line one more time. Thanks again to you all.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (7 October 2008):
I know what you mean, you dont want to fall out with anyone by getting nasty. Its almost like guys are attracted to women that aren't there on a plate for them at times! But they do sound like they are getting the wrong impression. Ive had 3 different blokes trying it on in as many weeks, and i'm sure its because they like a challenge. I am single, but very happy single, and in no hurry to settle down, thats a known fact in the social circle we hang out in. Maybe they think we are desperate for sex I dont know! Maybe you are a nice person to talk to and they are drawn to that? Who knows.
But I would ignore them. Ive been getting hassled by a guy thats married this week, he only lives up the road. And I know his wife, not big pals, but I wouldn't do anything to upset her. He has aquired my number off facebook and the last few days keeps txting. I said wont your wife be a bit annoyed? He said its a need to know basis. He asked the other day if he wasn't with his wife, would we date. I said who knows because you are! Probably should of been blunt and said no! and left it at that because then I get, 'if I took the day off work would you go for a drink' I said yes, if your wife is coming! He said 'dont go getting the wrong idea!me and the mrs are for keeps' Ok mate, you go for drinks with other women all the time, just for a chat? Then I get the 'do you like massages' txt. Now I ignore the phone. He's started asking why I am ignoring him. Still ignoring him! I actually think he's quite scary!
I think thats what you might have to do, if it doesn't work, tell your man.
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Lady, nice doesn't work with these jerks.What else would you call a guy who makes a pass at his friend's wife?Do you think your husband needs such "good" friends?.you do not want to hurt anyone??This baffles me.If I were you forget about hurt I would be causing serious injury to his anatomy.You know why he has not stopped because he thinks that since you have not made a fuss about it(telling your husband)you are interested in him as well.Neither have you got mad about it.Sure fire signs that has atarted him hoping.Its not too late.speak with your husband before he thinks you are in this as well. [Moderator's Note:] I've edited the text-speak - this time - please write proper english in any future posts. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (7 October 2008):
 Tell them to leave you be in no uncertain terms or you will tell your husband. Don't spare their feelings because they certainly aren't considering yours or that of your husband. Ever heard this? With friends like that who needs enemies? Many times mutual friends like one another or even if it's one sided they never act upon the feelings. That shows self respect and control. It also shows respect for the other person in the relationship. You don't have any shame to carry it lies upon his so called friends.
You have the right to expect respect from his friends and if you don't set them straight, they will continue to disrespect you. There is no telling just how far it might go. They are also showing no manner of respect toward your husband by doing this. What some friends they are.....NOT!!!! If your marital relationship is strong then you won't have a problem when you tell him how they have been treating you. Since you have tried discouraging them and it hasn't worked be frank with your husband and let him handle it.
Trust me when I say this. "Only the men who have disrespected you and your husband will be angry enough to call you a B****!....Just what do you think it will make them? Some would use the word ....LOOSER! You have the right to stand up for yourself so don't let them guilt you into thinking it is wrong to tell it all. You and your husband will be better off to distance yourselves from men like that. If they have an ounce of decency they wouldn't come on to you in the first place.
Wives honor thy husband.....Husbands honor thy wife
Let not what God hath joined together let man put asunder...
God bless,
Blue_Angel
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (7 October 2008):
 They are taking advantage of your niceness. They see it as a weakness, as a refusal to categorically reject their advances. They need to see that you mean it.
The problem is that once this kind of thing gets started, it's hard to stop its momentum. Inside they may feel that they should stop, but when temptation comes in front of their eyes, they can't help but try and push a bit further. I know, I've been in a similar kind of situation, and I found it hard to stop. It takes a very strong attitude to make the guy realise that you well and truly mean it. Firm but nice just doesn't cut it!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (7 October 2008):
 Imagine how your husband will feel if he finds out FIRST from these so-called friends that they have been touching you and hitting on you without YOU saying a word to him! How do you suppose HE will feel? Yep!!! Pretty darned mad --- AT YOU! Your first responsibility is to your spouse. Tell the twits that the game is OVER, and the next move will send you running to your husband. When someone acts this way, they aren't exactly "nice" people in my book, and Now they have made YOU a party to their overtures, making it seem like you don't mind this behavior! You really should have spilled the beans the moment that his all started, and I am suggesting that you do this NOW. No husband wants friends like this protected. This isn't even in the realm of friendship. And it's creepy. Sometimes being a bitch is required, and it's a good thing.
SO --- BRING OUT YOUR INNER-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are protecting these creeps, allowing them to involve you as an unwitting accomplice to them trying to cuckold your own husband! Sheesh, there's nice, and then there's just plain wimpy! You may not like hurting someone else's feelings, but the ONLY person's whose feelings YOU ARE DELIBERATELY HURTING, by simply being wimpy, are your Husband's. The One who you made vows with, forsaking all others? The next move is yours! Tell your spouse.
AND............
Knee the next "Friend" who tries anything right in the family jewels. At this point, you may as well expect another pass because you are bound to have another pass made at you... Because you have allowed it in the past, they are free to continue making them. People will treat you however You ALLOW them to treat you. You have to seriously stand up for yourself, your husband and your marriage. You will have to forgive me for being blunt, but that's my opinion on your dilemma, and for whatever it's worth, I hope that it did help you see this from another angle. Good Luck.
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