A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband was cheating on me with my best friend and I think it is fair to say that I am devastated. I love this man with all my heart. We have been together 7 years and he is now in a relationship with this woman. How can they do this to me? Why as she gone near him knowing he is married with a baby? I know they are both to blame. His family have disowned him and have told him to choose between them and the girl and he chose her. They are all disgusted with him for doing this not only to me but to his son too. I want him back. Do I stand any kind of chance of getting him back or am I wasting my time? This man is my life and I married him for a reason, my vows meant everything to me. I am trying not to text him, he texts me daily to ask how our son is and he always asks how I am to? Would I be stupid to make anything of this? When he left he told me he couldn't cope with family life and our son yet she as a child. He says he doesn't feel the same about me anymore but I feel that this is only since her and if she wasn't on the scene we would be fine but hey I can't change that. As anyone else been in my situation and wanted their husband/wife back and got what they wanted or am I wasting my time thinking about the idea of it?? I don't text him at all, I am trying to get on with my life anyway because I want him to know I can do this without him and I am doing it without him.Any advice from people that have been through this and have wanted the same please!
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female
reader, StillStanding  +, writes (30 May 2011):
I left my husband of 22 years a year ago. He cheated for over 10 years off and on with someone I thought was a friend. I was never able to catch them in the act and she took pleasure in playing the cat and mouse game. When I left he was devastated. I did not understand why she would settle for having a relationship with someone who had a family that he was not willing to leave for her. He never stayed away from home and never went on vacation by himself. She had to live day in and day out with knowing that the man she wanted lived right upstairs with his wife and children. Even now that I have moved out with our youngest child, he continues to try and keep me in his life. She thought that once I left that she would have him all to herself, she was wrong. My advice to you is that for the sake of your child, move on as best you can and take care of yourself, heal your heart and that way you can pave the way to allow yourself the chance to find love with someone else. He does not deserve you.
A
female
reader, StillStanding +, writes (30 May 2011):
I left my husband of 22 years a year ago. He cheated for over 10 years off and on with someone I thought was a friend. I was never able to catch them in the act and she took pleasure in playing the cat and mouse game. When I left he was devastated. I did not understand why she would settle for having a relationship with someone who had a family that he was not willing to leave for her. He never stayed away from home and never went on vacation by himself. She had to live day in and day out with knowing that the man she wanted lived right upstairs with his wife and children. Even now that I have moved out with our youngest child, he continues to try and keep me in his life. She thought that once I left that she would have him all to himself, she was wrong. My advice to you is that for the sake of your child, move on as best you can and take care of yourself, heal your heart and that way you can pave the way to allow yourself the chance to find love with someone else. He does not deserve you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): @ Belize, I dont think looking drop dead gorgeous will help get him back...a sustainable relationship requires more than looks otherwise gorgeous women will never have their men stray but it happens every day.
I do believe that there is more to the story that is being said...A man does not just opt and leave....The affair in this case in my opinion did not just happen in a vacuum.....In order to save your marriage at poster will have to be honest about the state of their relationship prior to the affair...They were obviously not communicationg and probably not intimate and he was definitely not happy....
Some people think when they take vows that is it....You have to each play your part for a marriage to be sucessful plus it is obvious there is more than meets the eye when he says family life is stressful but is going staright into a relationship with a woman with kids....I do believe BOTH parties have taken their eye off the ball and they has been a lot of taken for granted and resentment long building which has led to him taking steps to leave but without true honesty on both sides and @ poster has not actually told what kind of wife she really was...There are 3 sides to a story...her version, his version and the truth.....
A few questios I would like to ask
1) Is he normally a serial cheater?
2) Are you a nagging arguementative wife?(men can leave their homes just to go somewhere for some peace and quiet and he has mentioned he was stressed at home living with you)
3) Sex and intimacy...have you made time to have sex(has your sex life been active prior), give hugs, hold hands, cuddle, and when did this stop and who put paid to this? This is very important
4) would you say you respect him as a man and validate his feeling when he has cncerns and od you express yourself(with love not nagging) to him?
You may shout to the mountains about the vows that were made but if a relationship is not sustained by mutual respect, communication, intimacy, patience, understanding and forgiveness....then someone is already breaking their vows even before the cheating starts..
You say you want him back but what kind of life are you willing to live together, if it is one where you intend to keep 'torturing' him over the affair(I know getting back to a place of trust is difficult) and do you realise the amount of commitment that will be needed to sustain a HAPPY relations not just a relationship for the sake of it cos if he aint happy then he will walk again ....You cannot see things not going well in a relationship and bury your head in the sand...The relationship goes to rot..
Please dont listen to the advise about stopping him from seeing his child....I'll be brutally honest with you...he left you not child....using a child to spite him will only work against you in the end and you will hurt him more by denying him the love and care of his father...That he doesnt want to be with you doesnt mean he doesnt love his son so dont use the kid a a weapon, it is wrong.....An affair is usually a symptom of a problem in the relationship so I disagree with you that you were fine before the affair because if you really were fine, the affair would not have happend...I'm not taking sides or casting blame her though I have to clearly state that having affair is wrong and definitely not a solution to solve marriage problems....He has not played fair to you but one has to consider the circumstances that have created the situation that is right now.....Big changes will have to be made by BOTH parties for this to be resolved and it will take a lt of forgiveness and commitment/communication to build bridges....The case has a lot more to it than victim and villain but @ poster needs to dig deep and be honest about what reaaly happened/ was happening at home before the affair..Please not a general we have had our ups and downs wont cut it, some specifics need to be dealt with....I know you are hurting but you need to communicate with your husband to find our where things went wrong without anyone justifying or defending their action(you will have to bite tongues cos it will be tempting for each to defend their action when one partners starts to say I wasnt happy with this or that) ...Just lay it out on the table for consideration...ask him to go to counselling with you and take it from there but this road will not be easy....While you may want to put the blame on your friend(what she did was wrong)..note that you and your husband are the keepers of your vows
Ultimatums and threats/blackmail will not make him fall for you again(who falls in love by hearing if you dont love me then i will or will not do this?)....You have to find a strength and maturity to deal with this....Playing victim and getting people to put up his back against the wall wont get him back and even if he comes back under those circumstances , what kind of relationship would you have??
You have to present your self with such strength and poise as you have never had before..It will actually make you more attractive to him.....Get your emotions in check when speaking to him....Tantrums and tears will get you nowhere....I have been reading some articles about relationships and all the natural insticts such as begging, ultimatums etc tend to fail...You need to change the way you have been handling this....You would also need counselling for dealing with this huge amount of strain but first you need to identify what went wrong so that whether or not you are able to salvage you marriage it doesnt happen again....Seek help...In the meantime do keep him updated about your son that would help create a link of communication but note that he is asking after his son cos he does love him and I dont believe he want entirely to abandon him...It is you he walked out of not his not...Keep us posted and ind strength to be strong
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A
female
reader, besito +, writes (2 May 2011):
I can imagine that this is extremely painful and devastating. I also can understand why you want him back but perhaps you need to re-examine some things within your marriage and see if it was always fulfilling for you as a wife and as a mother. If he says that he can't handle the family life, he might have never fully been the greatest of husband to you. Men unfortunately are fickle. They often possess insecurities that we as women can't understand. This is no reason for him to cheat on you, especially with your best friend. You may want him back because you took your marriage seriously and vowed to be a married woman and mother. You may just want the family structure back, not really just him. Perhaps you can have him return his attention towards you by showing how strong you are and what a great mother you are and what a great woman you are in his absence. If he's still texting you and connecting with you it seems that he's unsure. What you really need to examine and ask yourself can you take him back if he ever did return? I wouldn't say he left you for her. I would say he left because he was insecure as a family man. The fact that he slept with your best friend shows he lacks character. Men like this have a hard time moving on without distraction. They "monkey branch" so to speak. They don't let go of one woman until they feel secure with another. I would try to show that your aren't as devastated and hurt by this. I think he'll turn his sights back on what he left when he sees how unaffected you are. The next option, would be to seek counseling with and with out him. As for your friend who engaged in this affair with him, I would never speak to her again. I hope this helps. Best of luck to you and your children.
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A
female
reader, skoolof life +, writes (2 May 2011):
 I was in a situation like this, not the best friend bit but another woman.
I loved him to bits and was totally unaware what had been going on in the years before he left. However, once he had gone - leaving his children too, I didn't want him back, and he asked a few times. The trust was gone, the hurt and damage he caused was widespread - so I just moved on.
If somebody cares and is happy they wouldn't risk the lies and deceit which cheating involves - so rebuild your life and ignore this man - he's made his bed.
Arrange access for your child and unless there's an emergency - only have contact during 'handover'
Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Yes, it must be very painful for you. I'm sorry.
Sadly ,people get blinded by passion, and he had to go.But let's hope, it all happened for a reason, and you will have chance for a better relationship.
If he will come back,and you can work it out , that is good too. But please don't make mistakes. Your freedom, might bring nice surprise . Just take care of yourself,. Exercise, and meditate. Eat well. Be there for your child.
Your husband might get very confused , ''who is free now'', when he sees you glowing. Everything comes to an end sooner or later. You will be the ''other woman'' now.
If you show ,that you are very sorry , he left it just gives more passion to their affair. Be strong, and things are not all lost for you. Take care...
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A
female
reader, Eilish +, writes (2 May 2011):
 I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I bet you're absolutley heartbroken.
Firstly, these two people are not worth anything, you are so much better than them. They both went behind your back and betrayed your trust and they were meant to be the two most important people in your life. That is never right.
She is obviously no friend to anyone. How dare she steal your man!
Anyway, I believe you can do so much better than this womanizer sweetie. Just remember you have to be strong not only for your son but for yourself. Sometimes in life we have to experience pain like this as a warning sign of not to go near people like this again.
I know how you feel. I was in a relationship for two years and he slept with my best friend. I was devestated. I didn't sleep, eat, nothing. I thought I'd never find happiness again. I'm not saying it was easy. It wasn't, it was bloody hard and it took a while. But I'm not with the best man ever and I couln't be happier.
Just remember when things knock you down get back up. Be the strong one. Lock people like that out of your life because you are better than them put together. They are selfish and didn't care how much they hurt you. He left you for your best friend. Do you really want someone like that back into your life?
Life is like a book hun, you move forward not back. Have some self respect and accept what has happened. Show him you are strong, because he wants you to be bothered. I bet he'd love a war off between you and your ex friend over him.
Go out with your friends. Find a new hobby. Do something to take your mind off it. Men like that will never settle down, not properly anyway. If he left you for your friend, then he could leave her for anyone. And then where will she be? Because she sacrificed your friendship for your man. Then you can laugh at her.
Try your best. I know it is hard. But there is honestly no way you can convince someone to love you or to be with you. There's a world full of people out there, and there is someone for everyone. When you find that someone like I did then you'll look back and think 'why did I waste so much time on him?'
Good luck! xxx
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A
female
reader, Raeanne Rose +, writes (1 May 2011):
Honey, I am so so sorry for you. It is better to find out NOW what a jerk this guy is. Better now than 30 years later like me - when you feel stuck and financially tied in too deep. The pain is incredible - this I know. But had I known my husbands dirty little secret when our son was younger- I would have left him then. Do it now while you still can. A leopard does not change his spots. If he did it once, he can do it again. Protect yourself, your heart, and your finances. At this point, there is someone better waiting for you out there. Don't wait. He is only asking about the kid to keep you on his emotional yo-yo. Just in case he wants to come running back. He did not put you first in his life. Don't give him another chance to hurt you.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (1 May 2011):
 Its very difficult to be in the situation that you are in right now and I am truly very sorry that you have to go through this.
While your vows meant everything in the world to you, they obviously didn't to your husband and a "best friend" that could knowingly take your husband away from you obviously isn't a good friend. In my opinion the best thing you can do is to move on with a new chapter in your life and let him go through his own crisis right now. Eventually karma will come back and bite him in the ass and he will be very sorry.
If my husband told me that he wasn't ready for family life then that to me would say, no more contact with his son since he isn't ready. If he calls and asks to talk to him, that's your call, if it were me I wouldn't let him break my son's heart like he broke mine.
THere are plenty of men in this world, good men, that will love you the way you deserve and accept your son as his own. Concentrate on you and getting your life in order. He will find his way back to you.
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A
female
reader, belize +, writes (1 May 2011):
 I feel sorry for you. He has betrayed you!! Arrange to meet him with your son. Make sure you look drop dead gorgeous!! Act as if you dont miss him. Start making demands on him to babysit. Try and make your self go out. Even if you're not going anywhere try looking the part. Next when time meet you get a man to be with you. Let he sees what he's been missing. Act as if you have moved on, even though your heart might be breaking. Just try and shift the power back to you.
As for that so call friend of yours, she will get whats coming to her. Best wishes
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