A
female
age
51-59,
*smay
writes:Had sex with my husband whom I've been with for 28 years, married 24 years. He as had a operation down below so needs a device to get it hard. I gave him oral sex recently and sat on him and he came without needing the device. He thanked me for the sex. I was really hurt because it made me feel like I was a stranger or a one night stand saying these words. He as never thanked me before and I was really hurt and angry. I wondered why he thanked me when I'm his wife and thought it seemed really odd to say to the person you have lived with and been married to for so long.I said did he ever thank his ex girlfriends for sex when he had been with them and he said no so why did he thank me and made feel I was a stranger having sex with him.I give him oral alot and we have sex when he uses his device and he as never thanked me ever. I feel really really hurt and its made me feel different towards him
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ex girlfriend, his ex, one night stand, oral sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 August 2020):
 Your update does not change the gist of what I meant in my post, which is : unluckily your marriage seems to have broken down irreparably. There's a lot of mistrust and animosity between you, and your sex life apparently leaves him frustrated and you sad, hurt and humiliated.
Regardless of who's wrong who's right ( btw it always takes two to tango so probably you both contributed to the current situation ) - you sound like two people who should not be married anymore, and if this is unfeasible because of finances , debts, house etc.etc. at least you should be two people who do not have sex together.
Unless maybe you both are willing to go to couple counseling and restart your whole relationship absolutely from zero. But it does not sound like either one would bother.
You say that you are miffed because your husband should be excited only by the sight of your body and nothing else . Now I don't want to enter into a long debate about how
legitimate, or not, your expectations are, my point is simply : it is what it is. Maybe he SHOULD only be turned on by you, in practice this is not what happens. He is sexually excited by a long list of people and things before your turn arrives - if it even arrives. That's what he is, that's what he does ( at least according to you ). Either you can accept it and live with that , focusing all on the positives in your marriage if there are any.
Or you can't and don't accept it, and in this case, again, what's the point of being together, of being intimate ? It's only a way to fuel anger and disappointment !
As for his infidelities, of course we cannot know if your husband cheated on you in the past, is cheating now, or wishes he could cheat and is arranging something behind your back. The problem is that, with or without evidence, YOU think so , and don't believe if he denies. So- trust is broken, is totally gone AWOL. We at Dear Cupid are sort of getting sick of repeating but : without trust, you have nothing. You can't have a decent relationship without mutual trust. As you are punctually seeing. When you are all the time watching your back to " defend " yourself from the wrongdoings of the person who is supposed to love you and protect you more than anybody else- it gets all weird and wonky and complicated.
Now I am not saying that your husband °deserves° your trust , he probably does not. ( Then again, you did cheat on him. How come when you cheat is OK, and when he cheats or plans to cheat you go berserk ?? ). I am saying that watching his every move , gesture, word to gather from that if he cheated or not, if he watched porn or not if he masturbated or not... Jeeez what a lousy way of living, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Why would you choose this kind of c..p over peace, freedom and dignity, is beyond me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2020): This is ismay. I did enjoy the sex with him but I should of told him I was feeling tired so that's my fault. I am never assertive with him enough. I think looking at porn is a way of cheating because he is mastubating over someone else and not me. He looks at other women and men and lesbians and gets off to it. He married me and should only think of my body not at some strangers who will turn him on. Its very hurtful and degrading but men never see it that Way. I don't maturbate to porn or feel the need for it. I've dressed up for years and done different positions in bed to keep him happy yet he as still turned to that. I think he's addicted to it.
I don't care if anyone doesn't believe he hasn't cheated me or wants to. Would another man say to his wife that he had had sex that day. No I think not but he said it to me and lied by saying he hadn't said it. Would a man who wasn't looking for another woman be looking at dating sites if he didn't want to cheat and would a man be on a swingers site if he didn't want to cheat, I think not.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 August 2020):
So , basically, being thanked after sex is not the problem; it has not even got anything to do with the problem.
The problem is that.. all this is a hot mess !
You cheated on him, he ( supposedly ) cheated, cheats, or will cheat on you; he watches porn and you resent him for that; he goes on dating sites, you catch him by snooping, when you confront him he has answers , but you don't believe them; you can't trust him, he can't trust you...
Look, this IS a mess. TBH I don't even know why you two bother staying married, but, ok, that may be because of finances; most of all I don't know why you bother having sex together ! It seems that neither one wants it or enjoy it. It's like sex has become a tool to bother each other, to get under each other skin ! Why don't you stop this craziness ? If you really can't divorce, which would be the most dignified solution, at least you could agree to live together as two good friends and roommates, without getting sexually entangled in such a bleak, squalid way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2020): So this is about karma. Two married-people, porn, extramarital affairs, guilt, and cheating. So, we've finally gotten to what this is all about!
Then I guess knowing all this, and having sex with him still, was something he should be thankful for. Apparently, your heart wasn't really in it; if all that you've said is the case. Then he should thank you, if he was the only one who enjoyed what you did. You didn't once mention you did it because you wanted to; or got any pleasure from it. So what's the point?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2020): This is me whom the topic is about.My husband had 1O dating sites on his phone history a couple of months ago, he denied he had been on them and said they were pop ups. he as looked at porn for years which knocked my confidence badly and I told him to stop but he didn't. it made me feel i was not enough for him and this all started over 15 years ago or longer when I saw him masturbating in the back kitchen and before his operation which he had 4 years ago and the last time I saw the porn was 2 years ago on his laptop so he hadn't stopped and didn't care about my feelings and what it done to me. I was thinking was he looking at that again that's why these dating sites were there or were they pop ups that just appear. he had dating sites on his phone years ago, had a email from a swingers site and a text message from a woman saying she was back from holiday. my husband denies all of this and says he as never cheated but with all this I have found I think he is a liar and a cheat. last year we were on holiday and he was staring over at a woman who was with a man and another couple and he said he was looking at the food she was eating, he had a smile on his face as he was looking over at her, he denied he was looking and it ruined our last day on holiday. even if he had been looking at the food you don't keep staring over in the same place all the time.he looks at women and what hurts me is that he just doesn't look once he looks again and he as been with 5 other women before me, its like he as never seen another woman before or been with any. you think he had been living on a island for years. he as said he looks but only wants me and I look at men but I don't do it to make him feel uncomfortable. there was a good looking guy when we were in the shops together recently and I looked but did not keep looking over but I know if it was a good looking woman he would keep looking even thou he is with me. sometimes i think I should keep looking to see how he likes it but I know he would not say anything to me even if he did feel hurt i was looking. sometimes I think is he doing it on purpose to hurt me and get me jealous or doing it because he knows I suffer with anxiety and is nor respecting me and taken me for a fool. we just come back off holiday and we were playing crazy golf and there was a couple in front of us and I knew my husband was looking and I think he likes the attention because this woman was turning round now and then watching us play and I saw my husband looking towards her to see if she was looking and it really hurt me but I kepted it all in, I didn't enjoy the game at all because of this and he kepted making jokes about, hole in one and do I know what a hole is meaning a womans bits and I thought why is he keep going on about that and is he saying it so she can hear him because he is thinking about sex also when we were walking on the beach there was a woman sitting down and he looked over as we walked passed then looked again and I thought what the hell is wrong with him. does he have a compulsive order problem and cant stop looking at women. also we were on a boat trip and there were 2 woman at the other side near the front, he was sitting in the corner but could still see out and I knew he was looking over there side and at them and i said to him, did he want to swap seats so he could see better because he keeps looking over to the side, he said he did not want to and he seemed to not do it as much then, it ruined the boat trip for me but I dint say anything and kepted it all in. when I have told him about staring at women he denies he is and my sister said years ago that he stares. he as said what do i want him to do, go out and keep his eyes on the floor and not look around but you can go out and not keep staring and looking twice like he does so much. we have been to marriage counselling for over 5 years now and its been mostly about me having problems with things like these, porn sites and me thinking he is cheating that we have gone back time and time again. so I know all of the replies I received on here were saying I should of been happy I satisfied him in bed and I should not of took offence when he thanked me but I hope you can see that with all the stuff I have found on him I wonder if he as been with other women and sees me like them.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (16 August 2020):
 No matter what a man does, it's wrong.
Looks like I got it right the first time.
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A
female
reader, Ismay +, writes (16 August 2020):
Ismay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband as looked at porn for years and I found 10 dating sites on his phone history a couple of months ago, he denied he went on them and said they are just pop ups and when you click on them they don't take you to a proper site. I never believed him. Also years ago he had a text from a woman saying she was back from holiday and her name was Jordan. He denied he knew her and said it could of been the famous Jordan, I have never heard of such crap in all my life so I know he as cheated on me.Maybe that's why he as stayed with me because he as cheated himself. I've noticed when I have been upstairs he is down stairs and it's really quiet and I know he is on his phone then as soon as I Co e down he makes a noise so us this someone who is not up to something, I think not. Yes maybe it could be because I've cheated that I feel he is cheating on me but after finding 10 dating sites earlier this year you can see why I think he is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2020): I agree with CindyCares. I always expect something different with follow-up posts; because sometimes they are 360 degrees from where the OP started. The second-post is usually what they should have said originally; and the first-post is usually misleading, missing details, manipulative, and poorly-written. Now you say he doesn't care? Why didn't you indicate that in your first post? I feel some time was wasted on the post.
You said you cheated on him. Perhaps you still might carry some unresolved or residual-guilt leftover from those incidents; and just can't believe you're fully forgiven. Guilt will make you hypersensitive and paranoid. Waiting for that moment when he'll get-back at you; or he feels the need to get-even.
I also agree with CodeWarrior. Now it seems more like you were just going through the motions; which could also be only motivated by guilt. After-all, you made no mention that you enjoyed yourself.
Sense nothing I previously posted seems to be of any particular value here, or might be entirely irrelevant; I hope you will still take it in a positive-light. If you haven't gotten over your guilt; you'll continuously punish yourself, and project your self-condemnation onto your husband. If he didn't care, why bother to thank you?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 August 2020):
I would not be so finicky if I were you. I'd focus on the half-full glass. Like, what, you cheated on your husband different times, he knows about it ... yet, he not only still wants to have sex with you, but he even thanks you ?!!
My Jewish friends would say : A khasuren die kalleh is tsu shayn = too bad that the bride is too pretty !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2020): Wow, at least he didn't send flowers.
He'd be wearing them.
PS I always say thanks for wife's special treats. I'm thinking somehow I woke a up a woman I could never do that.
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A
female
reader, Ismay +, writes (13 August 2020):
Ismay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for replying. I never wanted to give him oral but I did, I was tired but done it to give him sex. I have cheated on him a few times in the past which he knows about. Some of the men have thanked me after sex and maybe with my husband thanking me it made me feel like he was just the same as them and that's why I felt like a one night stand or prostitute.He was a normal man when he was with his exs so didn't have to use a pump back then so is that why he thanked me because he done it without having to use it with me? I had been bleeding down below after my period had finished and I told him about it but not once as he asked about it since which really hurts me, I feel like he doesn't care one bit about my health. He said he didn't asked because he didn't see nothing on him when we had sex but is that just a excuse because deep down he doesn't care
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2020): I hope you never spoilt the night, it must have been very pleasing for him. Why do people have to get all defensive and turn innocent remarks into some giant problem, the dude
would have got the same nonsense if he had turned around and said nowt, some times you really can't do right for doing wrong. Could feeling like a stranger not be a little erotic sometimes? on this one I have to say, I think you are creating another problem on an already problematic area and could cause him to feel bad and not be able to perform.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 August 2020):
 Wow, poor man. He was so pleased that he had managed to have sex without having to use his "device" that he felt the need to thank you and you see this as some sort of insult. Try putting yourself in HIS position. As I said, poor man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2020): Correction of punctuation:
"How could you think the worst and not better of a man who has been by your side all these years?"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2020): I meant to say:
"In these modern-times, marriage is regarded as a phase, that comes and goes."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2020): You concentrate on the sexual act but you ignore how he feels emotionally. He feels belittled, awkward, needy and half a man now. He thinks you are wonderful for still being with him and putting up with all this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2020): In an age of emojis, the chronic use of social media, and habitual-use of digital devices as our main mode of communication; people tend to misread words that are said from person-to-person. We are so attuned to the superficial and impersonal; we've lost the ability to interpret the deepest meanings of intimate communication.
I am going to turn your own words around on you; not to shame or bully you, but to provoke thought and deeper consideration. You are a loving and devoted mate to your husband. You've done the rare and impossible, you've committed 28 years of love and your life to one man! Now I will take your own words and use them against you:
"He as never thanked me before and I was really hurt and angry. I wondered why he thanked me when I'm his wife and thought it seemed really odd to say to the person you have lived with and been married to for so long."
"I wondered why he thanked me when I'm his wife and thought it seemed really odd to say to the person you have lived with and been married to for so long."
How could you think the worst and not better of a man who has been by your side all these years!
Stop and think about what he has been through. Think about the humiliation and assault on his manhood it has been to think that he may never be able to function as a whole-man; and satisfy the woman who has been so loving, devoted, and kind; in spite of clumsy mechanical-devices and medical-procedures that has changed his life forever. You've stuck by him, and you didn't flinch. You've overlooked everything; and all you see is the guy you've probably loved since you were a teenage-girl! That in itself is an extraordinary phenomenon!!!
Lady, you are special and one in a million!
He thanked you, because words can't describe that kind of love and affection. It didn't hinder your willingness to show him he is still a man; and you didn't stop doing anything you know he likes. He thanked you, because he must have allowed all sorts of things to go through his mind. He must have felt as if he would let you down; but you have been the woman he could always count on. He must have feared more than anything he would never be able to perform to your satisfaction; or things to ever be normal in your love-life again. Imagine that!
Trust me, you wonderful woman, his thanks came deep from the heart. You took it entirely out of context and misunderstood. I can't control the thoughts going through your mind; but I hope you will reconsider and not change your feelings about the guy you love, and the one who loves you too. Please...we live in a world where love is figurative and objective; as though people have forgotten what it is and what it means. Marriage is a phase, that comes and goes. You've defied the odds!
He didn't drop cash on the side-table as he left. I might be entirely wrong, you know your husband; but in this case, I think you've taken this entirely the wrong-way.
What a relief must have gone through his entire being. You are a wonderful wife, and I am almost certain that's what he's thanking you for.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (12 August 2020):
 I think that has was just extremely happy that he had sex with you without the need for the device. He felt like a man, and you turned him on enough so he could go all the way, so he thanked you.
I think you are reading way to much into the thank you comment. Let it go, there are more important things going on in this world other than your husband thanking you for an awesome experience.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 August 2020):
 I think you are looking at this all wrong. Why are you upset and angry? He obviously was pleased by what you did and just wanted to thank you. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he realizes things aren't the way that they used to be and perhaps he feels sad/guilty about it? It sounds like he was just wanting you to know he appreciated what you did/do. I think you are making something out of nothing. For what it is worth, my husband has said thank you to me when we have been intimate. I took it as a compliment!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2020): He was incredibly pleased I should think to be able to have an erection without the device and YOU made that possible for him. THAT'S why he's thanking you. For giving him some confidence back, for being with him throughout what must have been a trial for him and for staying with him. I wonder if it's gone through his mind that now he can't get an erection (until the other day, for which he was very thankful) without a device that you might leave him.
He's thankful to you for your love, your patience, your skill to make him feel like a man again, which I think is way more important to a man than us women will EVER know.
He was sharing a moment with you. Akin to if you had had an accident and he had been teaching you to walk again and you had your first few steps, would you thank him? Of course you would.
I think that's what was going on in his head. I have no clue as to what was going on in yours.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 August 2020):
 Wow, I think you are being way unfair to your husband.
He said thanks because it seems like you made a BIG effort to make sex work without him having to use device. It made HIM feel more like a man ( I would guess) and it was good for him, enjoyable. And what do you do? YOU ASSUME - not even presume.. no you ASSUME that he meant the thank you to be vulgar to you, to treat you bad somehow.
I want to say I feel you should be ashamed of your actions here, but I also understand that YOUR feelings are YOUR feelings. Maybe next time do not ASSUME things are done with BAD intentions.
If he had left money on the night stand and left, THEN I think you could have had an OUNCE of "justification" for feeling like he treated you as a ONS or something who means less. He didn't. He THANKED you because he was THANKFUL for the experience. and then you had to go piss on it.
SMH.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 August 2020):
No matter what a man does, it's wrong.
That's my take on this.
He thought the sex was better for him than it usually is. He thought you had put in a special effort for him, and he thanked you for it, and for putting up with the device and everything that goes with it.
And your response to his politeness is anger.
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