A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I've been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years he has 2 children from a previous relationship and we all get on great.. usually.His son is 11 and a lovely lad, his daughter is 9 and a diva she is lively and loving and we have shared some wonderful moments.i have been told by their grandparents that she loves me and i know she does. However she can a little madam at times but lately she is being really rude to me. I am nothing but nice and i give the children time with their dad. She is a diva and is does have a bratish behaviour with everyone but it seems like its me who gets the brunt of it and its really wearing thin now to the point I don't want to be around her.. its just easier not to. I have never 'told them off' as I leave that to her dad if need be I'm just happy me who they have fun with. She was rude earlier and I told her to stop being horrible as its not nice that I love them and I love their dad but she is making me sad.. but then I felt bad. How do I handle this? I love them all with all my heart but his little girls bratty behaviour is really making my heart hurt? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments they are really helpful to me, i am nice and easy going and very almost too laid back and hage always been the joker.. its how I am bit I guess I also need to be a sensible adult they respect and can rely on in this relationship. I have backed away from her alot I just remove myself from the situation when it becomes too loud. She is loud and full on and thats just not me hence why I gravitate towards her brother more too I enjoy his conversation. I have to try more put myself out there in her company but as an adult not playmate. My partner does tell her when she is rude and we have spoken so he knows how i feel, we know she is going to be a little madam its how best to deal with it. Thanks i think I scored some responses incorrectly too! All were 5's! Thank-you for taking the time to help me x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2020): OMG.....She is just a kid...give her a break.Kids act out sometimes...You as an adult should know not to take it personally.You said the right things....now just think the right way.What are you gonna do when she is a teen and those hormones go crazy and then she will really act out? This nine year old stuff is nothing compared with what the teen years will be like...just wait till she tells you I hate you or you stole my dad from me..Now is the time to grow that thick skin and realize this shall pass when she turns about twenty...Never take this stuff personally...she will grow up this stage in life will pass.If it helps Rember what life was like for you as a young tween.Grow a thicker skin and you will be ok and do not over think this as she will be ok as will you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2020): Oh, she is just like you said...being a little diva! Don't take it to heart, it's a childish-phase; and she may just be putting you to the test. Taking-out all her frustrations on you. She is setting her boundaries as if to remind you that you'll only get but so close; and that you're not her mother. If she's being rude, sassy, or disrespectful; you should inform your mate, so she may be addressed and appropriately disciplined. You are an adult, she is only equal to her peers; but she must mind her sharp little tongue, and curb her attitude when addressing you. She should also consider your feelings; but you have to also remember she is only a child. They don't always know what they're saying and doing; which is why they require parenting and guidance to teach them.
During this Covid-19 pandemic, children are kept away from their friends and classrooms. It's depriving them of the normal outside interactions they normally exchange with classmates and friends. Nothing is normal anymore; so there will be some acting-out. Little-girls and little-boys react to things in their own gender-specific ways. While he may be lovely for now; he will also surprise you with behavior that seems out of character. Just wait, that's just how kids are.
Consider this about little Miss Missy. She is challenging you to determine if your "niceness" is real or phony? You're always sweet as honey; and avoiding any confrontation. She wants you to be normal, and stop kissing her bum! I don't mean to offend women; but I often suggest that women can see through women. Females have a natural-intuition; and can be highly perceptive of the motives and plots of other females. They seem to sense when you're shady; and putting on airs, or a phony-face. The opinionated bolder-types will call you out on it! Even baby-girls learn how! Don't be too upset, maintain composure. You're the adult! You might need to tone it down being syrupy-sweet; because it comes-off as phony and suspicious. She is also reminding you, that she's number-one in daddy's heart. If you see the need to call-out her brassy-behavior as rude, do so! Then inform your mate what she did or said, and how you felt it necessary to handle it. You are trying not to offend anyone, and stay on everybody's good-side. The danger of that is bottling-up anger will lead to an outburst of temper. That's when you'd be wrong! You could lose control; because you're sucking-up, and not being real. True-loveliness and kindness can't be faked. Nor can you be "goodly" no matter what's happening!
Forgive any presumptuousness in the following remarks. You may love your partner deeply; and wish to take things to the next step. It is obvious you wish to win-over his children; and capture their love and approval. Letting them trample over you and kissing-up doesn't always win people over; and it can provoke just as much distrust and suspicion as anything else. There is such a thing as "too nice!" It's manipulative, deceptive, and underhanded. If her mum is in the background, and resents you; she may be undermining things by using the child as her little minion. Expect children to be protective of their mothers. It's natural.
They have only one mother, and don't abide with other women thinking they can replace her! Nice or not!
Be real with your partner, and his children. That's how trust is established. You are not in the position to discipline the children; that's their dad's responsibility. You are an adult, and you have a right to demand courtesy and respect from children; especially those you've gone out of your way to be kind to. Just don't overreact, or be oversensitive to the antics and sass of a precocious and fresh little-girl. You're the grown-woman in this situation; and you don't win love through over-playing how nice you are. She wants to see your realness; she knows nobody is nice all the time! She wants to see your human-side! She knows just how to pull it out! Girls can be quite adept at doing that!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 August 2020):
 Talk to your partner and decide how you BOTH need to move forward here - UNITED front. And if need be talk to her mom too (that should come from the DAD though if you 3 aren't civil). So ALL the ADULTS in her life are on the same page.
By being the "fun only" adult, she might NOT think you DESERVE as much respect. And she is 9, she is testing boundaries with you. Because there are NO real consequences to doing so.
Also perhaps sit her down and ask her what is going on. Why this behavior and attitude is cropping up. There might BE a reason you don't know about. She might get shit from her friends about you, or being bullied and she takes it out on you. IF this is new behavior, I'd say it's IMPORTANT to find out what is going on.
If you LIVE together, you can't just run from this. Yes, it's easier to say, NOT my kid, so not my problem, BUT IT IS. It's also easier to not discipline her. BUT again IF you live together,, you NEED to be an ADULT about this. Of course it doesn't mean you now have to be a dragon to the kids, you can still be "fun", but there HAS to be consequences to THEIR actions. You can hide behind your partner, but makes you look WEAK and kids know that. And they take advantage. Kids are smart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2020): I think your reaction was great. To be disappointed rather than angry is the way to go. To let her see that her behaviour makes you sad is a very good lesson for her.
I had step children and I approached it exactly as you do. And it succeeded in that we had a happy, harmonious time, most of the time.
Nine years old does seem a little young to be going through adolescence, but then maybe I'm out of touch. Is there something going on with her do you think? School, friends, bullying?
I'd chat to her Dad about it and see if he can find out if there's anything wrong. Otherwise, stick it out, try not to let it get to you, and know that one day, she will be an adult and a great friend. This is hopefully just a phase, maybe she's learnt some not nice behaviour from new friends at school.
Good luck, but if you're in it for the long haul, then you WILL come out the other end.
I don't know if watching Supernanny would be of any help?
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