A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please adviseMy husband and I went for a hike yesterday with hope we would be able to socially distance. We wore our masks of course. As he was studying the trail map another man (masked) came and stood next to him also wanting to look at the map. Already nervous, I shouted "that's not six feet!!!!" I grabbed my husband's arm and pulled as hard as I could but I'm not strong enough to physically move him. This scared the other man so he jumped back. And to my surprise my husband got really mad and said "do that again and I'll slap you." He has never said anything like that before and he turned and headed up the trail with the dog and I started crying and following him and found him on a bridge looking at the river below. And he said sorry for saying that and he loves me but I told him even mentioning physical violence is unacceptable (I'm very sensitive on this point) but still this will be very hard for me to get over. Advise me how to process this?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 August 2020):
 I'm with your husband on this one.
If you'd shouted at me, then shoved me I WOULD have slapped you. And there would be no apology.
I suspect you're very sensitive on every point.
The way you process it is you accept that there are limits to what you can get away with, that you're not a victim and not entitled to special liberties. You move on from this by focussing your attention on things that actually matter.
This is frivolous, pre school-age nonsense, and you totally over-reacted.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (7 August 2020):
 Sorry Op,
You just treated your husband like a child in front of another man. I would not call for violence, but I would have left you there and went home.
You basically told the other man, your husband is not capable of looking after himself, and you, his mother, is much better at that job. Nothing make a man more angry than having his wife mother him in front of other men.
Try kissing a little boy in front of his other boy friends, and watch his reaction. It starts that early.
No need for you to cry...But now you just learned something about men. We are protectors of our wives...when you try to rob us of that role in front of other men...what does that say to the other men?? It says you are more man than he is.
You will lose that fight every time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2020): Confinement, and the stringent-guidelines of social-distancing and wearing masks in public; is making people nutty...maybe even crazy! You have to watch what you say; because what you say comes from the heart. Anger has to be well-managed; because what may start out as a verbal-threat, can arise to an act of violence. Even if he regretted saying it, he still said it. Without having faith and worship to turn to; people must face all the pressures and grief of this pandemic relying on their own power of intellect and human-limitations. Helplessness is not a good feeling.
Hope subsides when everything you see around you seems grave; and you feel there is nowhere to turn. That's why I pray; and give it all to God. Otherwise, I'd be crazy like the people you watch on the news and on social media clips. I have inner-peace. I spend time helping people on this site, when I'm not working. If you grew-up with a faith-based belief, and you believe in God; then pray for yourself, your husband, and our nation. We have to, and will, get through this.
It is quite a test of faith and endurance, for everyone. Believer and nonbeliever alike. Faith doesn't make you oblivious to danger and threats; it gives you peace knowing that God is watching over you and protecting you. I won't debate with nonbelievers and blasphemers who question why God would allow this to happen? Who am I to question The Creator of the Universe, the sovereign God Almighty? I don't want to know. We aren't equipped with understanding of that magnitude. Like a five year-old questioning a nuclear-physicists about the dynamics and physics of atomic nuclei, their constituents and interactions. How would a scientist break-it down to their level of understanding? Like medial science can't breakdown everything there is to know about this virus for everyone to understand it; but they give us enough information to stay safe. By the mercy of God. People still won't listen. They dismiss it as a hoax, until it hits home. So, who owes them an explanation why God does anything?
At this point, you need time to get-over the shock and regain your sense of perspective. To be told, if I did something I'd get slapped; that would set me back on my heels too! I'm a man! That comment coming from a husband to his wife is serious! He may say he's sorry; but up until now, you've never heard such words out of his mouth. That doesn't mean it has never crossed his mind; but he has always maintained the restraint not to verbalize it. More importantly, he has never done it! I don't intend to trivialize it; nor am I instigating and amplifying your fear. This is totally out of character, and we all say horrible things we don't mean. The timing and circumstance makes the difference. It shouldn't be within us to conceive the idea. That's what's so unsettling! I feel you!
We can make all sorts of commentary one-way or the other about it. We don't know your husband, his present state of mind; or details of your marriage. Here's what I think, and what I would suggest.
Don't harp on this too much for the moment; because people are saturated with the bad-news seen on TV and the internet, seeing scenes of violence on TV, movies full of gun-play and physical-violence, political-division, death-tolls rising, disinformation coming from our leadership, racism, unpredictable protest-marches, torrents of lies coming from our elected-officials, and people toting guns like they were accessories. All this stuff will get to you! It doesn't excuse threats of physical-violence toward anybody; but it does indicate a threshold has been crossed when someone gets so angry.
During a calm and quiet moment, tell him how much it disturbs you that he was so upset with you. Also remind him how much it frightened you. That is necessary, in order to make him deeply reflect on it; and not just quickly dismiss it, or sweep it aside with a half-hearted apology. It cannot be easily dismissed or forgotten. It was a threat! It was planted to remind you what would happen if you did something again. Well, the seed has taken root!
If your attempt to calmly address it, and express your feelings about it makes him angry; consider what he said to be a legitimate threat. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around the person you sleep next-to. You can quote my words if you like.
By the way, don't go grabbing and snatching people like you've lost your own mind. That didn't display a lot of composure or self-control either!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2020): You were actually the perpetrator of physical 'violence' in this case. You pulled and yanked your husband around as if he were a five year old, in front of another man. That would have been incredibly emasculating for him. I should think he reacted as he did out of anger for being so embarrassed by you.
He immediately apologised and told you he loves you, but have YOU apologised. I would not take what he said so literally and so to heart.
I am VERY aware of abuse and post regularly on this site in response to people being abused who don't understand what is happening. Having been abused myself too many times, and believe I can spot abuse miles away, I would not take what your husband said as an actual threat of abuse.
It's a human, angry reaction to being pulled around and embarrassed by you, for which he immediately apologised. I really don't see the problem.
As others have said, maybe being in a situation where this can happen should be avoided in future. If you're so jumpy about a masked person getting too close, which I don't blame you for, avoid those situations if you're going to react like that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 August 2020):
 I am much less lenient than the other respondents in this case. I would have felt shocked too.
Yes , sure; obviously being really slapped is much worse than being threatened of a slap.
But also threatening your partner of physical violence is something very serious. Slightly less serious , but still serious . It shows that he has it in himself, in his emotional range, in his " palette ",to make verbal threats to his partner, someone whom he is supposed to love and respect. Which , is totally unacceptable among civilized people. You would not say " Stop it, or I am gonna punch your face in " during an argument with your ornery old dad, or with your misbehaving 5 y.o. child, would you ? So, why is it ok to say violent stuff to your wife ? because then you'd never actually do it for real ?... First, I cannot know that for sure, as far as I know if you are capable of thinking up stuff like that , you are also capable of doing it ; second, it does not matter if you would not do it ! You have already majorly overstepped boundaries !
It's like saying that rape is more serious than fondling the ass of some woman who passes by. Well, duh!
But if I ever had had a partner who fondled some passing woman's ass - he would have not remained my partner for much longer ,that's for sure.
"He said it just because he was mad " is not a good excuse either. So, next time you " make" him mad about some trivial little thing,... then he is authorized to call you names , is he ? " Slut, whore, bitch..." hey, it's just words after all ! No harm done !
" He over reacted to your overreaction " ... two wrongs don't make a right !
Then what happens next time that she stomps by mistake on his feet ? does he punch her daylights out, as a knee- jerk over-reaction ?
Beside the fact, that , although the OP surely reacted too dramatically to the perceived danger : 1 ) someone ignoring safety distance and breathing over your neck ( literally or metaphorically ) IS something to take seriously and worry about
2)intention counts too, her loving ,protective intention was to keep him out of harm's way , she did it clumsily and inappropriately, ok- but was that enough reason to get so furiously mad ?... my, he must have quite a bad temper , then !
Obviously I am not saying : divorce him at once !, or , never forgive him . If it's his first offense , in terms of verbal violence, he gets a pass, for this time . Accept his apologies . BUT you need to talk seriously, and to renegotiate boundaries. Explain him that certain ways of expressing his frustration , to vent his irritation- are from now on OUT,in your relationship, - whether he is right or wrong - two wrongs don't make a right, remember ?
If he has trouble using verbal self control or he is triggered by being suddenly touched- he needs to aknowledge the problem and work on it; by himself or getting professional if needs be.
Not to say that you were not annoying, because you were :). So what ? Annoying people too have the right to basic civility and basic respect , and to feel always safe around their life partner.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 August 2020):
 I'm with youcannotbeserious on this one. Much like you I have a hard line on abuse. But, I know that If I grab and shove, that IS physical violence.
Yes he should not have said what he said and he feels really guilty about that. He will be much more measured in his response in the future. You can watch and be cautious, but I think you should trust him.
On the other hand. You know that insecure and fearful feeling you have today? He has it too. Not only has he learned that you are capable of physically assaulting him. He also thinks that you feel no remorse. You may do it again. And, you expect him not to act in his own defense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2020): You are letting fear consume you and unfortunately, there will be times when people innocently forget ( he did have a mask on, and I presume you both did). Just be sensible but don't expect others to be. I can't even walk my dogs as normal because I live in a coastal town near the beach, and it is ridiculously packed, so I use common sense and change my route to a quieter one.
You did overreact and probably embarrassed your husband and certain;y the stranger, you could have just gently reminded both of them with light humour such as saying ' hey, you too, don't forget to social distance' this would have probably done the trick tactfully.
We have no vaccine in sight but this way of living could go on for a long long time, we need to stay relaxed and THINK! a little more but not stop living and be ruled by fear.
Fear can turn into anxiety and stress and affect your health and mental health in different ways, I heard that some people have developed Obbsessive compulsive disorder washing their hands all the time.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 August 2020):
 Do you not think you grossly overreacted and embarrassed your husband? You make it sound like you did absolutely nothing wrong, that all the wrong is on his side. You tried to physically manhandle your husband and you scared a complete stranger with your hysteria. Get a grip.
There is never an excuse for physical violence but I am not surprised your husband threatened it in that situation - although, hopefully, he would never actually DO it. I am sure if I had behaved that badly, my partner would have had a similar reaction.
Your husband has apologized and told you he loves you. Are you going to overreact to THIS as well?
If you are so paranoid about people coming too close to you, perhaps you should stay away from situations where this can happen?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 August 2020):
 I think you both reacted with an OVERREACTION..
"that is not 6 feet" and grabbing your husband like the stranger had bubonic plague is a BIT over the top! Had you been my husband and acted like that I would have walked home and not left the house with you again.
I have to agree with "Justmy5cents " he overreacted to your overreaction. You with drama and him with a threat.
Maybe you BOTH need to chill and have a conversation (at home) about this.
Lastly, if you are so scared being around strangers out in public, I think maybe you need to stay home. Having a freak out on public hiking trails is just a bit much. Obviously, it was TOO much for your husband.
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A
female
reader, mrswaldhauser +, writes (3 August 2020):
 In absolutely honestly I feel you've taken this a little bit to heart. A threat of violence is actually more common than you think in relationships. It's only when actual violence passes between you that there can be a real problem. I feel here that in this situation he must have felt very embarrassed by your behaviour and was very angry and just lashed out by saying something he knew would shock and upset you. Clearly it has. My advice would be to talk to him about it. He did apologise for it later on so this says a lot about how he cares for you. He knew he was out of line. I personally wouldn't give it another thought unless it became a threat that was consistently given.Take care and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Justmy5cents  +, writes (3 August 2020):
 Crazy times we are living in of late and understandably tensions are running high. From what you post, this IMO was nothing more that a knee jerk response to your knee jerk reaction. Your initial response to the situation could have ended with both you and him on the receiving end who knows what kind of abuse given this was a stranger. I'd say cut him some slack, accept his apology as genuine and move on.
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