A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had a huge fight with my husband - married 1.5 years but toegthwr 5 years. He just told me that he would be broken up with me if we werent married. I asked him if he really means it and he said yes. Im 6 weeks pregnant so he calls me up just aftwr the fight and says i need to calm down (for healtht pregnancy) - and he will just pretend nothing has happened and wont speak of the fight again. How can i calm down now that i know he doesnt want to be with me ecept for that we are married? I feel devastated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 March 2018):
 Male Anon, lots of people marry and don't love each other - either before or after marriage.
Even in the heat of the moment, there is no excuse to say you'd be broken up, if not married - unless you, OP, said something similar or a low-blow insult.
You need marriage counselling, OP - BEFORE the baby gets here.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2018): It has been said in a moment of extreme anger it doesn't mean a thing. You could have said something that drove him off the edge. Just try to put it out of your mind. I am as a male and a husband and father sure he didn't mean it. He married you FGS so he must have loved you. How are you going to make your marriage work if you two don't tolerate each others mistakes?
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A
female
reader, Heartlove  +, writes (25 February 2018):
Not having a lot of facts it's hard to
Address the issue. But from what I've
Gathered the comment might have been made in the heat of the moment ... it could be he did not mean it? Has he apologized?
But you can't erase words and they were very hurtful.
I'd ask him about it again when the time is condusive
To really share feelings. If there is something that needs
Martial counsel then make an appt... marriage takes much effort
And communicating feelings is key. You're having a baby. Take care
Of yourself physically, emotionally etc. Best regards...
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 February 2018):
We do say stupid things in arguments, but saying "I wouldn't be with you if we weren't already married" is NOT just a "stupid" thing said in an argument. It should be taken seriously and addressed, rather than swept under the rug.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): Trust me on this one.. he didn’t mean what he said. When guys argue, they’ more comfortable they feel in the relationship, the more they’ll say hurtful things they don’t actually mean in the heat of the moment. He may even look completely angry and serious. I guarantee he regretted and felt stupid about saying that to you, 2 minutes after saying it. Some guys may not admit it, but we all have been guilty of that from year to year. A relationship with no arguments is an unhealthy one and a distant one, bound for disaster. It’s honestly the best sign that he says stupid things he didn’t mean while arguing.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (22 February 2018):
 Your msg isn't very thorough and you've not shared with any of us, what you and your husband were fighting about and how it all started.
Your response could/would change the perception/views of a number of respondents, but i'm replying, from a more "generalised" perspective.
Your husbands comment was obviously way out of line and you guys need to talk about that comment and his trigger factors for saying that.
MOST men wouldn't say that, not unless they're truly upset/hurt or fed up with a specific situation.
Here are a few hypothetical scenarios:
Do you guys fight/argue ongoingly?
Does your husband think/assume that you start most of the arguments that you guys have?
Do you and he threaten (verbally) each other in various ways?
Do you blame each other for everything that goes wrong?
Do either of you seldom see eye to eye?
Do either of you ever apologise after fighting?
All the above, may have an input into this situation between you both.
You are pregnant though and yes, it's true what your husband says.
You should try to maintain a level of peace and calmness in your daily life, because your unborn baby actually hears/feels your stress, via the sound of your voice during heated moments and and also from your increased heartbeat and raised blood pressure, which in turn, will affect your baby's heartbeat.
This isn't even good for your own health and if your health suffers, so too, your unborn baby's.
What your husband said is obviously out of order, however, you were both arguing, you were both hot under the collar and things got out of hand verbally.
I'm almost certain that he didn't mean it, even though he says he did.
If he did mean it, then seriously, what can you actually do to change his mind?
Think about this for a minute.
Do you have control over your husbands thoughts/feelings about everything or even about you?
NO, of course you don't, so why upset yourself over things in which you have no control over?
If your husband truly loves you and wishes to spend the rest of his life with you, then guess what?
He will do just that, but remember, a marriage is a joint venture and YOU ALSO, have to meet him halfway.
You both have a 50/50 responsibility to your marriage and this also includes a 50/50 responsibility when an argument arises.
It's not about blame and who's better/worse, but about trying to come to a place of togetherness so that you can both find a quick resolution.
Continual arguing and the blame game seldom works, so it's always better to sort things out in a peaceful and non judgemental manner.
Always be friends before lovers and remember what brought you to together in the first place.
You guys came together because of all your best attributes and not because of your worst, so remember the best points of each other and work together, to make your relationship the best it can be.
I don't know what happened obviously, but you should TALK to each other, apologise and try to sort things out, especially as you both have a baby on the way.
Take your pride and your ego out of the equation, so too, should your husband.
Finally, remember that YOU TOO, most probably have said hurtful things to your husband and in the heat of the moment.
You may have even felt like you meant what you said, at the time and you may have said that you meant business, when you knew that deep down, you didn't really mean it, so try to see your husbands reaction/words via your own previous actions/words.
I'm not condoning whatsoever, verbal/physical abuse, aggression and cruelty within any relationship, however, in any relationship, people will always say things out of anger and threaten that they mean it, when more often than not, they don't mean it.
Try not to get so worked up about your husband's comment and try to see things from his perspective too.
Think about what the two of you may/may not have said during this argument, which may have really triggered the two of you, especially your husband.
Your marriage consists of both of you, so work together to make things better.
You don't want your baby coming into this world, to see you both arguing.
That wouldn't be fair to he/she.
Also, the more you hang onto anger and upset, no matter how right you may think you are, or you may be, you will only push your husband further and further away.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
All the best and let us know how you go.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 February 2018):
I'm sorry you've found out. Please ask him to go to marriage counselling to get to the route of why he wouldn't still be with you, to try to improve things.
If he refuses to go, it's worth considering a divorce, as he will only resent you for being married and you'll resent him for not wanting to be with you. It's not a good, healthy environment for a baby to grow up in. You want your child to learn that you should be with someone you love, not just stay because you're married.
There is a difference between saying something in the heat of an argument and saying you would have broken up with them if you weren't married. That doesn't just come out of nowhere.
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A
male
reader, liddel +, writes (21 February 2018):
I don't know what the fight was about but a 6 week pregnant woman can be a challenge and that's really being nice about it. A 6 month pregnant woman is awesome but six weeks, well not so much.
There were times when my wife was in early stages of pregnancy that she "wasn't herself" and if we had been single, I might not have taken that abuse.
All you are saying here is that he is awful without telling both sides. People are agreeing with you and now you feel righteous.
After the fact, my wife realized how bad she was in the first three months of pregnancy and apologized. Perhaps in a few months, you might think you were not easy to deal with.
It takes two to tango and two to fight. In what you claim he said, "Im 6 weeks pregnant so he calls me up just aftwr the fight and says i need to calm down (for healtht pregnancy) - and he will just pretend nothing has happened and wont speak of the fight again.", it sounds like he felt wronged by the fight.
You have plenty feeling sorry for you but I won't until hearing his side. I have lived the life of a husband with a wife in the early stages of pregnancy. It can be a tough job.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2018):
 Stress at work is never a good excuse for him to talk smack to you or attack you verbally (because he is attacking you). It's EASY to complain about all the things you "want" but who doesn't WANT conversations about less stressful topics here and there?
Now maybe you suggesting that, makes him feel like HE can't vent about work, only you can. Not because it's TRUE but because it suits his narrative. You nag and he doesn't (apparently).
I suggest that NEXT weekend - YOU go away for the weekend BY yourself. LET him see how that feels.
The thing with good communication is that it DOES take 2 people to make it work.
Seems to me like he is PUNISHING you for not behaving how HE wants you to behave. He knows FULL and WELL that it's hurtful that he just takes off for the weekend because he is pissed at you. My guess is... he had ALREADY planned the weekend away and picked a pick with you to JUSTIFY it.
Sounds like he is gas-lighting the shit out of you.
Are you sure he isn't worried about YOU not wanting to be married to him? If you are the MAIN bread winner in the marriage?
How is he affording to go off for a weekend?
Is the REAL reason he is acting like this because he feels emasculated because YOU, the women - the PREGNANT woman is also the bread winner? Is that perhaps his weak point? That he doesn't LIKE the fact that you are more successful?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2018):
 I read your follow-up. Did I say he was a weenie?? I meant, he's a DOUBLE WEENIE!
That makes sense now. He's terrified about becoming a new dad, and his business is struggling if he's not getting paid. What do you think is going to happen when YOU go out on maternity leave? Unless it's PAID maternity leave, and you plan on returning to work, he feels inadequate to be the provider of your family. And, he's right.
If he's making no money, then he can't support a family. He sees your communication/nagging as demands, and he snapped and took it out on you. He blew up like a grenade, and has had fantasies of flaking out on you.
So HE has to run off for the WEEKEND?? That's the real weenie part of him. If I were you, I'd be looking at a little surveillance on where he's going. Running off with another woman in some escapist fantasy is no good, though if he's under stress, if he's going off fishing or some male thing, I say let him so he can get his head screwed on correctly.
As for you, your part is that you can STOP nagging 100%. Instead, show verbal appreciation for the things he's doing right, and SHOW the behavior you want to see in him. You're worried about money and the future too, so while his response is pure crap and he IS a weenie, we know what's fueling it (your pregnancy, his lack of bringing in funds, his long burnout-level hours).
Let him go, but before he does, look him in the eyes and say "I will not allow you to take your stress out on me with verbal bludgeoning and emotional abuse. Don't talk about breaking up unless you're ready for it, and I'll happily call my lawyer. Until then, we face and solve our issues, not run away from them. Have a good weekend."
PS -- if he's not making any money on his job, how's he paying for a weekend away??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2018): OP here thanks to you both for your replies. I wrote a brief dedcription of our argument eerlier so i hope it will be posted soon. Hes so angry with me and says he will be going away for the weekend. Fine... but his words have angered me now. Im the type of person to calm down immediately after a fight... not so sure now though. PS i dont feel hormonal at all with this pregnancy!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2018):
Ohhh no he doesn't. What a weenie.
What is that fight about?? Any guy who has to hide behind his wife's pregnancy in order to avoid talking about it is a little bitch, and there are TWO people in this marriage, not one.
He is trying to take power in your marriage, and he THINKS he has you where he wants you! You're pregnant and hormonal, and he wants you NOT to realize that you can throw HIM out the door faster than he can do the same to you, and since you ARE pregnant, you could gouge him financially in a divorce, alimony, and child support issue.
He needs a dose of reality, and you need to just calm down and not let his bluster scare and devastate you. Your husband is the mouse who is trying to roar, and he knows that you're feeling insecure and vulnerable due to being pregnant, and I don't know what the fight is about, but if he were in the right in it, he wouldn't be hiding behind your pregnancy to "not talk about it".
Please follow up and give us details of the fight, because we can give you MUCH BETTER advice on what to do next! You'll also feel a LOT better because we aunts have a really good talent in pulling the sting out of bluster.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2018): Do what he says, calm down and try to forget it ever happened. We all say things when we're angry that we don't mean. The only problem is; once it hits the air and goes into someone's ears, you can't take it back.
I'm not going to take a one-sided approach to responding to this post. It takes two to have an argument. You get to tell your side; he doesn't get to tell his, or defend himself.
There is no defense for verbal-abuse. Only we can't judge him, we don't know him and didn't witness the argument.
He has apologized. You are hormonal right now, and will be extra sensitive to things. Consider it all just part of the argument. Arguments are angry-exchanges or asserting your position on something. You want to snap the listener to attention.
Consider the state of mind. Much is said in anger, because we are hurting and want to lash-out. Vent the frustration. You didn't quote what you said that provoked such a mean response. You were both fighting. Of course, all my sympathies lie with you. You are in a delicate-condition, and he should have been more mindful. He should always be mindful of what comes out of his pie-hole!!! You're his wife, and the mother of his child. You're a woman!!!
If you've been having a lot of arguments in your marriage, especially over the same issues, he might have meant it in the heat of the moment. Frustration can overwhelm your filters. Money problems, stress from work, fears for the future build-up on top of our tempers. He's the male in the situation, and his rage and uncontrolled-aggression is considered assault. He had better be very careful!
Don't pretend you've never spoken equally as harshly. You're human. Just because you can't recall it, doesn't mean it never happened. Interpretation is what gives meaning to your words. The recipient decides how your words are taken and how they affect them emotionally. A lesson you both need to learn if you fight a lot. Regardless of gender, everyone has feelings.
Women expect men to take their verbal-abuse without any emotional-reaction. We're supposed to be tough. Sometimes those words bounce back! That's what occurs when you let arguments get out of control. Learn to back-away or call a time-out when things get too heated.
Disagreement is part of how a relationship grows or matures. There will be arguments that go out of control. This is when you must stop and think before you say things. You also have to be careful of provoking people to their breaking-point. If they are under stress, it may not take much. Not faulting you in any way for his verbal-abuse; but making a point you both should remember.
Feeling devastated might be pregnancy hormones in over-drive; but that doesn't mean what he said is okay, or what he said isn't quite serious. It was cruel. He was given the opportunity to retract his words, but he didn't. He broke your heart, and going for the jugular is never fair.
I want to suggest that you don't dwell on this. For the sake of your mental-health and well-being. Surely you've said some things in anger you wish you could take back. You might not consider them that serious or feel they were as harsh as they may have been taken. Only the person who hears your words knows what real effect they have.
Tell him that the words were very hurtful for the sake of closure of this issue. You're married now, and there will be many more arguments to come. You are both under stress and the prospect of being new parents for the first time is stressful and scary. Men and women handle pregnancy very differently; but the joy comes at the end. Upon the birth of your child.
Try and forgive him, and accept his apology. It doesn't just stop here.
Do tell him that if such a remark is made again; you will take it seriously, and your marriage will be in serious trouble. If these comments become a consistent pattern, inform him that you will insist on marital-counseling or a divorce. Be careful what comes out of his mouth, you can't always tell what he really means or just said in anger. You shouldn't have to worry about that. Nor should he!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2018): Hi Honeypie, OP here.
He's under a lot of stress in work. I said something to him like: "I think we need to set aside some time to have light hearted conversation during the day for a few mins, as all we talk about is serious and stressful things." He took this really badly and flipped out, says I'm never happy, I'm a discontented person and I always want more, more, more. That it's a criticism on him doing the wrong things and not doing enough. I probably nag a little bit but nowehere near the amount that he says - he makes me out to be this horrible person and he hates that sometimes I moan about work ( I get paid well, hes running his own business and does an aawful lot of hours for no pay). I understand his situation is bad - it will be over in the next year though and he can move on form it.
I just can't believe he said that to me, im so hurt.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2018):
Could be, that he meant it in the heat of the fight but he is staying for more reason than just the fact that you two are married.
I DO think you need to have a conversation about this. And if you don't want to be his "begrudging wife" that he feels he HAS to stay with because he said "I do" - then talk separation. There needs to be a discussion about this. You are not going to just forget that he said that, so neither of you can pretend it wasn't said.
What lead up to the fight? Are there things in the marriage you two need to ALSO talk about and either work on or what?
Was there issues before the wedding?
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A
male
reader, AMC +, writes (21 February 2018):
This obviously is devastating to here, but how much of it was said in the heat of the moment because you were fighting? Have you discussed it again since the fight or not? I think you maybe need to sit down and have a talk. If he genuinely wanted to break up with you he would do this no matter if you are married or not, and maybe he said what he said for effect, to get a reaction out of you at the time, but I doubt he really meant it.
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