A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2+ years. I am his first serious relationship.Overall we have a good, caring, fun relationship. We are generally compatible in personality and values.He is caring, responsible and of good character. We have had talks regarding our future, and while he is not afraid to have these talks and makes plans - I have noticed he does not seem to be putting things into action.He has mentioned late last year he would like us to get a place of our own this year (we currently live separately). I have been researching and showing him potential places. There has been little to no initiative from him regarding this until I voice this and he apologises and makes an effort in that moment. This has continuously happened several times now. We have had a talk about this and he admits he needs to find interest in looking at property. He is otherwise preoccupied by Facebook, Youtube and Netflix during his free time. There has been a few instances like this during our relationship where I realised I have been the one steering it and I am a little tired and feel if he has does not show initiative in not only talking about but also creating the future that we have talked about perhaps we are not on the same page.It seems like such a minor issue compared to all other posts here, but I keep imagining a future where I have to take the reins for things such as moving houses, having children, researching schools, possible investments, and general life events. Life is beautiful, but it can be hard and while I can handle it alone I would prefer for my partner in life to take 50% of the load rather than 20%.We have had discussions and he is aware of his shortcomings but there has been no further progress.I love him, and I trust that he loves me dearly too. Is love enough? I'm afraid I will eventually build up contempt for his lack of initiative. Is this something that we can work on? or is this something I will have to accept or should I be looking at moving on?
View related questions:
facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (22 February 2018):
 If your bf truly loves you and wishes to commit to you for the long term, then he should be showing you that he's committed, taking initiative and working toward future goals with you.
Remember, before marriage, you've got to be a team, otherwise you certainly can't be after marriage.
You don't want to be too judgemental though, because this may be simply who he is and if so, you may not be able to change him, or bring anything more positive out of him.
How was he raised and does his Mother baby him to this day?
If so, this will have much to do with his seemingly "lax" behaviour.
It may even be, that he doesn't really know how to take any lead role and show more initiative.
There are many, both men/women, who do lack initiative, or whom are quite naive/lazy, regarding how to play their equal part within a relationship.
Your bf sounds like a nice person and you're both blessed to have met each other, but if you don't think he has enough emotional maturity to manage a long tern union, ensuing marriage, children etc;, then it may be time to really think about your future together.
Perhaps you can sit down with your bf and have a rational and calm chat with him, regarding all your concerns and listen to what HE has to say.
Listen very carefully to his responses and from there, you can make more concrete decisions regarding the state of his mindset and your own future and whether or not, you can truly envision yourself with him for the long term.
I would also advise you to think about the fact that, although this appears to be one of your bf's weaknesses, YOU TOO, have your own set of weaknesses.
Nobody is perfect and i wouldn't brush my bf off (just yet), just because he shows lack of initiative or isn't overly able to take control of the relationship, however, i would make it very clear to him, that if our future together is to work well and to last the long term, then together we must take control and show initiative.
I know it's been over 1 year together, however, give your bf more time (say 1 to 2 months max) to prove/apply himself and if things are still the same, then you make serious decisions and you let him know why.
Finally, remember too, in the past, men generally were the primary breadwinners and took control of most familial situations, then with the advent of women's liberation and modern marriages, women started taking control of their marriages/families and nowadays, either/or partner can take control and it really doesn't matter, because so long as the marriage is working, it won't break down.
We're not all cut from the same cloth, so sometimes one partner will take more control.
I consider myself a modern, working class woman, i'm very independent, i like to make controlled decisions and able to take the lead role, if i so choose to, however, i am also quite old fashioned, whereby i enjoy my husband taking the lead role too and i like it when i can also play the role of "traditional" housewife, because i enjoy it when my husband takes control at times.
He doesn't tell me that i'm slacking off or that i'm not able to take control and make formal decisions, bec he knows i'm very capable and i too, know he is.
What's truly important, is that the two of you can meet halfway, working together to make joint decisions and this doesn't have to be all the time, just sometimes.
Different things work for different people, so there are no hard/fast rules regarding your relationship.
If, at the end of the line, you find that your bf really has trouble making decisions, taking the lead role, organising some things and/or everything and appears to show little to no initiative, then you may need to consider if he's the right guy for you.
Either way, however good or bad, be kind to him, because he really does sound like a good, caring and loving soul, however, maybe he wasn't taught/shown how to act like a responsible man and it's going to take him extra time to grow, learn and mature.
He may have been mollycoddled too much and this would be an issue for a serious and long term relationship.
You wouldn't be able to handle that.
Good luck with everything!
A
male
reader, liddel  +, writes (21 February 2018):
There is no reason you can't lead the relationship. In many marriages, it is the woman that does. If you're going to be bitter about what he is, that man needs to run.
Usually, when you meet and fall in love with a person, at that point, they are as good as they will be. Your efforts at changing him are unlikely to work without divine intervention.
If you're going to be bitter about this and be bitter, a huge fault on you, then walk away. If you can't accept what he is and not try to browbeat him through life, it will fail.
Do you have enough character to be decent to him or will you do things that build up contempt from him?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2018): What we need to learn, and you've brought up a good point, is that we have to plan for the future. You can't just let things happen around you. You can't just sit and wait for the future to get here. You prepare for it.
However; if that's not your approach to life, it's your right to live your life as you see fit. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't necessarily mean you're lazy or lack ambition either. Some prefer a humble simpler life.
You cannot see or predict the future; but that doesn't mean you cannot prepare for your destiny and things to come. You have to plot the course, which may change a number of times; but at least you have some idea of where you're going. Or where you want to go, at least. Challenges and obstacles may change the outcome altogether. That doesn't justify being aimless, lazy, or impetuous.
You are ambitious towards your future. We all set different priorities or goals, and have our own plans. Your boyfriend IS NOT on the same page. He doesn't really want to live together. I think he is content with living separately; and may not see babies and marriage in the near future. If he did, I think he'd be showing some actions and progress towards making that happen.
You don't get to plan his future, that must be done under his own initiative. He has to run on his own source of energy and under his own steam. Not be nagged or dragged like a lazy little-boy. You can't be both his mother and his girlfriend. As you have described, is he a good boyfriend? Maybe. Husband-material? Maybe not at the moment. Father-material? Definitely not!!! He's a little slow in maturity and adulthood; but at the age he should be considering these things. Nobody gets to decide what he wants, or when he gets it, but him.
I don't recommend co-signing for debt or mortgages before marriage, nor starting a family. Blending finances before marriage places your credit at risk. A bad breakup could cause bad-blood; and someone deliberately ruining your credit is a major risk. The law offers limited to no protection in this area. For good reason. It would clog the court-system with endless lawsuits; basically stemming from bad choices, vengeful breakups, and spiteful or malicious prosecution between boyfriends and girlfriends. You can have but so many marriages; but people can have dozens of boyfriends or girlfriends in the span of a few years!
The harsh reality is, he may be thinking of all these things, but can't see them with you.
You do get to inspire or motivate him; but when it becomes a chore of pushing and prodding; that means he doesn't want what you want. He is not moving through life and maturing at the same pace; he may want to enjoy his youth and boyhood for as long as possible.
You are starting to see a difference in personalities, priorities, and conflicting patterns in your ambitions and energies towards life. He is a lay-back and let the world happen kind of guy. You can't always take the " I'll cross that bridge when I get to it" approach. Adults have to have a purpose and a plan.
You may have outgrown him at this point. His arrested-development may be a sign he's not the guy in your future. Only for the present.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2018):
 Here is the thing, OP
He likes the talks, he likes the FANTASY of "a great future" but he either doesn't KNOW how to get from A-Z or he just isn't really ready for the REALITY.
Why not pull back a little, see if he picks up the slack. If you, so far, have been the driving force of the relationship - step back and LET him get a chance to show willingness for ALSO taking the reins.
If he is a "talker" but not a "doer" and you are a "doer" that also is a "talker" - you might actually NOT be a good fit long term. And MAYBE it's good to find out before you move in together, start having SHARED obligations and commitments.
So see if he steps up or not before making any decision.
...............................
|
