A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband keeps picking arguments about extremely minor things, he ususally does this when he's been drinking too much. I remain calm and I try to pacify him by either apologizing for the minor incident, I also have asked him if maybe there is something else that is bothering him about me that he would like to discuss. He states that there is nothing else that he can think of and then continues like a stuck c.d. and repeats over and over again about his first issue. I eventually have to just leave the room because nothing that I say or do helps the situation. We have been married for 26 years and I had an affair over 12 years ago which has never been properly discussed because my husband would not go to a marriage counselor to sort out our problems and my reasons for leaving him. We now live in a foreign country and there is no councelor here and I am far from my family and friends too. I feel miserable and I just can't see how any of our problems can ever be resolved. Please can anyone advise me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for responding again. Yes you are correct on the money side, he keeps me in the dark about how much he earns and I have found money hidden,, just by accident when I was cleaning I noticed the drawer of his bedside cabinet was not correctly on its hinges and pulled it out to put it straight and found a wad of cash. When I have had some money sent to me from my family, he does not give me any housekeeping money i.e. money for household groceries until the money I have has been spent on household groceries or bills etc., I feel strange confiding about all of this and also bad about it because on another level my husband is kind to me, for instance if I am feeling unwell then he is good to me and also if I need something made, what I mean by this is he is good with his hands at making stuff in his workshop.. It is really difficult situation because I have lived with him for so long and I am used to him in many ways and yet I also feel alienated from him. Thanks again for answering my question and updating me, and caring about me even though you don't know me, I really appreciate this thankyou.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): Thx for the follow up. I can see more clearly now that he does have some personality issues. He also sounds depressed. His age means that he may be finding the physical aspect of his work harder to handle. Does he have an up to date Will and are you legally married? The laws in countries like Bulgaria are a nightmare compared to your country. And may treat distribution of assets on death differently to your country. Hence a valid legal Will is very important. Take a real interest in his work, what he is doing, what he is charging, what are his expenses and outgoings and what is his real profit. Don't allow that to be a mystery to you. Especially as he runs a cash business.
He should count his blessings. I think the affair from 12 years ago should be history, not something that still fills you with guilt. It should not have happened, but understandable as a desperate call for help in the face of your pain
Hope you sell the other property. Do not allow yourself to be kept short of money. He may make more money than you realise, and be keeping you short out of spite. When the other property sells you should have some of the funds set aside for you in your own account just to give you a small nest egg so you do not feel so powerless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, thankyou all so very much for all of your resposes to my question. I really really appreciate it, I was beginning to feel very alone and upset and I just don't know who to turn to. I can't really talk to my family about this subject because it would just worry them and upset them too.
I do still feel guilty about the affair and I do feel that he has a deep seated anger with me about it. I am too scared to broach the subject about this on our own because I think it will open a whole can of worms and I don't know if I can cope with his behaviour, I could definately discuss the subject with a counsellor but that is not possible here.
There is not a problem with drinking in this country, we are in Bulgaria and the drink is cheap here. My husband is self employed here and the work he gets is only through other english people here whom need work doing on their houses .. building, maintenance etc., so his work is cash in hand. That is another big problem here for me... basically when I lived in the uk I was earning good money doing gigs as I am a professional singer, I also gave singing lessons and I was independant and earing a good wage. Now here I have nothing and my husband has all the 'power' because he is the only earner. I thought things between us would improve when we moved here and became mortgage free but over the past three years as we all know there is now a recession which has altered our income and now we are pratically living in poverty here and even if I returned back to the uk , I would have nothing! We have a property here that we are trying to sell to release money buy property here or anywhere is just not selling.. I feel stuck and miserable. I've given up so much to come to this miserable place with a miserable husband, I've left my family, friends, my living which I really enjoyed.
I would like to explain to you all why I had the affair, I am by no means excusing myself as I realize now what an awful thing I did. Basically after 12 years of marriage I finally followed my dream of being a professional singer. My husband was against this from the start and put obstacles up all of the time to stop me. However I finally won through and became popular with another female as we gigged as a duo. Because my husband did not bless this he decided to just stonewall me... In other words he completely shut off .. we had very little communication for two whole years!! He did not even want sex. I constantly tried to engage him in conversation and would say things like "look there is something wrong here I really think we ought to visit a marriage guidance counsellor" . It was all to no avail. I began to get inwardly angry about his behaviour and I admit I felt vengeful at his neglect of me.. so I began to look for someone which was'nt that difficult considering the job I did... I was always being chatted up but I had never taken any up for anything.. now I felt differently,, and when I found a guy who owned his own club I thought 'this'll do' and when I first went to bed with him (it was n't about the sex) I felt good because I felt I was giving my husband his just deserts... like 'hey you did n't want me but there's plenty out there that do'. anyway in the end nothing good came out of it, the guy who owned the club was a nasty piece of work and I think ultimately I had a lucky escape there... so ended up going back to my husband who had been miserable without me and infact was sorry for his own behaviour at the time.. That soon changed and he went through a series of feeling angry and upset with me over it but would never go to a counsellor with me.
also I would like to add that he is now making excuses not to have sex with me again... don't know whats going on. I am still a very attractive woman and I am told have a great figure, I get looks from other guys all the time, guys who are much younger than me (I am lucky because I look a lot younger than my age and always have).
I find my husband to be a really complicated character,,, in the past when he meets a new male friend and likes him he begins to act like this new friend.... and I mean literally,, for instance one guy we met had a stutter and after a few days my husband also began to stutter... I have realized that my husband seems to take on other peoples personalities,, and if I look at who is working with at anytime then I know what kind of behaviour I can expect from him... Has anyone heard of this before? If you have then please can you tell me a web address on how to find out information about this please.
My husband hates his father and often says that he is nothing like his father, so I think that he rejects the role model of his own father and he does n't really know who he is and is constantly searching for another role model,( my husband is 49 years old).
I would very much appreciate your answers to all this. thankyou
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): I wonder if he is still angry about the affair? and you still feel guilty? I would hate to think that every other day he sits there drunk while you passively walk away sit in another room crying -upset, this is no way to live your life. How many years does one punish themselves for doing something wrong, I think you have served your time. It is time to move forward either with him or without him.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 drinking and arguments go hand in hand! If he's not drinking and still picks at you maybe he's unhappy about bigger issues9like sex) Or could he just be teasing and you take it wrong?
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female
reader, AgonyAuntiee93  +, writes (4 December 2010):
if he does it when he has too much to drink then its obvious that he is drunk?
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female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 Sounds like its all Ho Hum same ole same ole. Sometimes even when we are not alone we feel so alone. Sometimes things run their course, perhaps its time to give in and go back home where your family and freinds are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): He sounds like he feels trapped and miserable. And i imagine it's not much fun for you either. You can't solve this alone, and he doesn't seem overly co-operative about reaching out for help. Preferring to drown his sorrows. And cast all the blame on you. He does not sound easy to live with. Does he have to stay in that foreign country? On the plus side you have been together a long time, so the marriage deserves some work to improve it.Does his employer have an Employee Assistance Program where he or you could get some support?And does he, and perhaps you, need a holiday to lift his and your spirits?Is it a country where drinking alcohol is banned? Because he could be behaving in a risky wayHe also sounds as if he becoming bitter and miserable and depressed and should perhaps see a Doctor about that. Plus you do need some counselling for better support for you. As you do have access to the internet you may be able to find an anonymous counselling service to help more. I just googled for free counselling on line and i think i found a free one at:counsellingonline.org.auI am sure there are many other potential free counselling services on line that may be able to help.
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reader, the_phoenic +, writes (4 December 2010):
is he newly retired ?if so get him buisy with a bunch of his friendsand if he isnt newly retired and this behaviour suddenly came out of the boxhe is either having pressure in his life and his behaviour is to relaease this pressure outor he might be unhappy with something in your lifes some how and he cant face it and confront you so he is expressing his insecurity in this wayyou mentioned an affair 12 years ago..are you back intouch with the man you had an affair with in away or another ?jeallousy toxicates and kills all of the goodness in any relation so you'd better take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): You can try online counseling. Ive done that and its been quite effective and can recommend a website for u if u wish. Leaving issues unaddressed can be very detrimental to any well being or relationship. Chances are he could have some deep seeded issues from either the past or present. Good luck and PM me any time :)
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