A
female
age
41-50,
*helbee
writes:I have a real problem! My husband of four years watches gay porn online and denies it. We have two children and I’m 8 months pregnant with our third. I first caught him about two years ago. He refused to admit it! So, I confronted him with printouts of his browsing history. We were in counseling over this gay porn issue for over a year. He maintained that it was just a curiosity and that he was not gay. The counseling actually uncovered a plethora of childhood “issues” he had with his mother. Even our therapist said it was just a way of “acting out” against his mother and that I had nothing to worry about. I thought our marriage was healed… until last night. He thought everyone was in bed and was online trolling for gay porn again. I inadvertently caught him when I got up to get some water. I acted like I didn’t see anything and went to bed. This morning I checked his browsing history and saw that he’d been at it for a while. When I confronted him, he denied it… Again! He said he accidentally clicked on a link that took him from a straight porn sight to the gay one. I don’t know what to do! On a side note, the only straight porn he watches is anal porn… something he has never and will never get from me. Can anyone help me??
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male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (6 December 2009):
 I'm sorry but I'm going to be honest. I'm sure that your husband has some homersexual tendancies. However that does not mean he doesn't like you or that he's not attracted to you. He just has gay tendancies. Many people are in denial over being gay or having gay tendancies because its self-loathing and humiliating for men to have same sex attractions. He needs to open up and trust you even though that it might be a shock for you to hear the truth. Don't be angry at your husband there is no point. Take care !
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2009):
 Good question, heartfullalove! That would be helpful in understanding his issue.
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A
female
reader, Shelbee +, writes (1 December 2009):
Shelbee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, thank you everyone for your responses and advice. I’d like to answer some of your questions.
Several issues were uncovered regarding his childhood. The biggest one was the abandonment he faced when his mother sent him away to military school at the age of 5 because she was tired of being a parent and wanted her “freedom” back. According to the therapist, he was deliberately doing things to hurt me in order to get back at his mother. (He had spending issues at the time as well)
Up until this point I thought our sex life was awesome. That’s why I was floored the first time I caught him looking at gay porn. He has Always had a sexual interest in me. He loves performing oral as well as everything else. On top of it all, our sex life was very active. If he was on the “down low“, I don’t know where he found the time or the energy… I’ve been to the straight spouse website and there is a lot of helpful info there, if the spouse is out of the closet. I’m going to try the voy one next.
I’ve also tried anal in the past and HATED it. I get that other people like it and that’s great for them. I can’t even watch it. It makes me feel dirty and just grosses me out. You’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger sexual turn-off for me than anal.
I’d like to leave him but I’m worried that people will ask why… We had an otherwise happy marriage. I just don’t want any future embarrassment for my children. I love him very much, but I don’t know what else to do. He makes me feel so awful about myself when he does these things. He’s tearing me apart and doesn’t care…
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (1 December 2009):
 Unfortunately, through a general lack of communication between the sexes, women seem to have absolutely no idea about why men watch porn. I tend to blame most men for that fact, because, on the whole, men seem to be ashamed or embarrassed about telling their spouse the truth.
It never ceases to amaze me that there are so many 'he watches porn, and I don't like it' subjects out there, and many aunts try to point the poor OP in the wrong direction.
For many women, porn = my man is watching a woman being sexual on screen and masturbating while watching her.
Sometimes that is the case. But more often, as in this instance, it is not.
Men watch blondes, big breasts, teenagers, bbw, black, masturbation, anal, oral, she-male, transvestite, gay, animal, weird objects, interracial, and fetish porn. Those are the ones that immediately spring to mind. There are many others.
Most men watch a kind of porn that gets them EXCITED. If my thing was anal porn, would that mean that I am a homosexual? No. It would simply be what gets me excited, for whatever reason.
I don't for one minute believe that your husband is gay, or bordering on gay. He merely gets hot WATCHING anal penetration, but seems reluctant to admit that fact.
Much the same way that other men get aroused by WATCHING some type of porn, and letting their imaginations run amok.
I understand that many women feel completely threatened by the knowledge that their husband is regularly using a source outside of their marriage for sexual excitement and satisfaction. For some, it must feel like he is being unfaithful.
The answer is always in communication.
As your husband has never and will never have an anal relationship with you, the only outlet for his 'favourite' type of sexual activity may be through a porn site. However, you need to know, and he needs to be honest about his innermost desires. Keep talking, lovingly and patiently, and try not to judge him. He will soon open up to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): I don't mean to be nosey, but might I inquire what were the 'issues' uncovered by his therapist, in terms of 'acting out'?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 December 2009):
How's your sex life otherwise? Just fine? Or do you feel something is lacking, do you see a lack of interest in your genitalia, does he make excuses for things?
The gay porn bit is troubling, of course, but moreso is the fact that you guys were actually in counseling for a year and tried to work through it, and he's still doing it, hiding it and lying about it.
I would doubt that he is 100 percent heterosexual, if all he watches is gay porn or anal. (I don't think you have to have anal if you don't want to. It's certainly not everyone's cup of tea and there are plenty of good reasons not to.)
If this is a man on the "down low", as someone who is hiding bisexuality or homosexuality and going out and having sex with other men, your health is at risk. I don't know if he's engaging in these behaviors, mind you, it's just that he seems to be fixated on gay porn and I would worry about that as well.
I have a couple of links for you that may lead you to people who can help you better than we can here, that is IF he's a closeted gay or bisexual.
http://www.straightspouse.org
http://www.voy.com/86426/
I guess you can make the decision if you need to go back into therapy, perhaps with a different counselor this time and see if you can regain the trust in the marriage again.
Good luck, what a tough spot for you to be in, and so close to the new baby. This is putting additional stress on your family, so be sure to take good care of yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): well there are a couple of answers some you wont like =[ the first one is he might be going gay that is a maybe though so dont get worried yet! next he might be exploring the same sex its quite common actually. Also you no how you mensioned he watches anal sex and you wont give it to him that might also be why and if it is them speak to him about why you dont want to give him anal. Im gay and i dint want to let my boyfriend give me anal for the first time so he staryed watching it but now i dont mind! and wat this means is that you mite think anal is discusting but when you do it you might like it!
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A
male
reader, doom  +, writes (1 December 2009):
 well it really does sound serious, you can't do nothing...he sould see a specialist, cause if you want your mariage not to fall apart, you should talk about it together.Cause if not, you will feel really bad...i meen moraly.
Hope i've helped
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