A
female
age
51-59,
*eaves
writes:My husband of 14 years had an affair with a stripper 4 months ago. I just found about it 2 months ago. He paid her $200.00 for sex in a motel room. (Isn't that protitution?) I also found recepits where he bought her jewelry three different times. He hasn't bought me jewelry in 7 years. He has finally confessed the whole thing. (So he says, but I still feel like there are some things that he is hiding.) He says he loves me and our son and has not been in contact with her since the whole thing blew up in his face. (This I know for a fact) How do I forgive him? I still think about this every day and it is ruining my life. I know he is still hiding something that happened, but I don't know how to find out.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): "can't remember everything that happened"
That is not unusual, particularly if alcohol or drugs are involved. It usually takes several months to piece things together with counseling help and the unfaithful spouse really working hard at remembering and being honest.
"I have been finding out bits and pieces as I go along."
Very common, very painful, and sort of the standard fare for the faithful spouse. You have more to come, but it doesn't mean that it won't be worth it in the end. Only you can figure out what you can deal with.
"Every time I discover something new, it puts me back to square one dealing with the whole thing."
Also a normal reaction, expect this to go on for several more months at least.
"I think he still has feelings for the stripper even though he says he doesn't."
Normal reaction, but the stripper does sound like a prostitute from what you write. Men rarely get "emotionally involved" with prostitutes unless they are having serious emotional problems themselves.
"boy was I naive and stupid."
No, you weren't. You were trusting, and that is not naive, nor is it stupid. Yet it is normal to feel this way. You probably don't know all that he knows, and that is the problem.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): Oh leaves, I really feel for you.
Plse trust your gut. If u feel he is hiding something then I think there is more to this affair.
I think u know that this is not a one time occurrence affair. I personally think that he was hooking up for years, he just got caught now.
He even bought gifts her. So it was not only sexual but emotional as well. It means that he started to invest in her. It means that he is more involved than u think.
Why is he getting mad when u try to find out? Does he have remorse. NO! He is not concerned about your feelings and the hurt he has caused you.
I am sorry to say that this doesn't end here. There is more to discover and more of his lies to uncover. You will also find that he may not be able to wean himself from the OW.
Plse remember this was about sex and emotions. He was having a relationship with her?
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 December 2010):
 I agree with eyeswideopen. What is your motivation for forgiving him? In general, with few exceptions, the only times it works out to forgive a cheater is:
1) He or she confesses within 24-48 hours without significant prompting.
2) It was a one time occurrence.
3) It was not with someone she or he knew well/has been lusting after for a significant period of time.
4) Some kind of mind-altering substance was involved.
If none those (especially 1 and 2) apply, then he doesn't feel remorse that he did it, only that he got caught. It's time to ditch him and find someone who respects you more.
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A
female
reader, leaves +, writes (23 December 2010):
leaves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who responded...we have tried counseling, He just says he can't remember everything that happened, and gets very upset. He was not honest with me and I have been finding out bits and pieces as I go along. Every time I discover something new, it puts me back to square one dealing with the whole thing. Found out about the jewelry only two weeks ago..I feel so betrayed and lost and I am afraid my feelings toward him will change. He is a good father but has many health problems. I still love him but I want him to hurt like I am hurting. I think he still has feelings for the stripper even though he says he doesn't. Never thought anything like this would ever happen to me...boy was I naive and stupid. Thanks for all of the advice..will sort through it and hopefully make a decision soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): Do you think he would forgive you if you did the same to him - slept with a male stripper and gave him gifts? I don't think so. I think you have a sick man on his hands that needs to learn his lesson. He's destroyed your relationship my dear, there is nothing that will EVER fix this. EVER. It'll never be the same and you're heart will always have a broken piece.
I suggest you have a separation, go to counseling. If it doesn't feel 100% right - safe and comfortable in the relationship, Walk away. Not every husband would do this, there are good men out there.
You do not need to forgive something like this. Not immediately.
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A
male
reader, CJH  +, writes (23 December 2010):
 If he's paid one girl for sex I'd say it's likely he's been paying for years - the fact he got caught this time forced him to be "honest". Sweetheart, you can't ever trust this man again and it's clear he has no respect for you or your family.Do yourself a favour, walk away now because its going to be the end result anyway. You'll end up going over this with him forever and still be questioning why you've stayed with a man who thinks it's acceptable to bed other women whilst being married to you.You may even decide to get your revenge and cheat on him which will actually just make you feel guilty. Is it worth it?Not to mention the fact that your poor son will have to go through the whole thing with you and will be torn as to who needs and deserves his love and support.This thing has hit you out of the blue and I know you must be all over the place as a result. The only way to get back on track is to take control and do the only thing that will guarantee this won't happen again - walk!
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (23 December 2010):
 Give him another chance but put some therapy in between
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A
female
reader, Princess Aunty  +, writes (23 December 2010):
my answer is a bit different from others.
I mean you can consider to forgive him only if you think that he truly regret for what he has done which can be easily detected from his behavior. You know why am telling you this because it seems you love him a lots. and also it concern your son. he might be affected mentally about you guys break up and that can disrupt his life.
else i agree with others. if he continues on his infidelity then a break up is the best solution
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This is a massive betrayal. Sorry isn't good enough. Where do you go from here? A lot of soul searching on both sides is needed. Ask why this happened, can you get past it. Tell him your marriage is on the line. He needs to know the seriousness and has to acknowledge a line has been crossed. It may be a long process back to a normal life. You may decide not to give him that chance
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (23 December 2010):
 I don't think you should be thinking about forgiving him for this. If you do, he may think you don't mind so much and may stray again. I hope you see a doctor to get checked out because if he has been sleeping with a sex-worker then he goes on to put you at risk. I think marital counselling is the first step and if you really feel this relationship is not worth saving then you should contemplate a trial separation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): The trust can't be rebuilt unless you can trust him to tell you everything.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 December 2010):
 What has he done to address your concerns? Does he know you still think he's hiding something?
I believe if one spouse has been unfaithul and sincerely regrets his actions and wants to repair the damage done, he/she opens up completely to the other spouse and lets it all come out.
The trust has been destroyed, and ignoring the infidelity doesn't rebuild it. That's not how it works.
Your gut is telling you somethings still wrong, listen to it and don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with. If that means you don't want him under the same roof right now, well, guess what, he should move out. He has completely destroyed your trust in him and should be doing everything in his power, including going to couples counseling, to help you adjust to the new reality.
The rug has been swept out from under your feet. You are perfectly within your rights to take the time you need to come to terms with it. If it means at the end, you reconcile, great. If it means at the end, you split, fine. But you cannot shortchange the process.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 December 2010):
 I don't think I could forgive him, nor would I want to. You do not *have* to forgive him. Even in Christianity where it's frowned upon to divorce in many social circles, infidelity is the huge exception to that rule. There is absolutely no stigma in leaving someone for cheating on you.
Also, if you feel that he's hiding, you're most likely right. What a man confesses to is usually only about 20% (or less!) of what actually happened. Did he have other affairs? Why would he buy a stripper jewelry if it was a one time thing?
Also, if he could buy another woman jewelry and be able to hide it from you, you must live comfortably. When you divorce the guy (and believe me, you eventually will), take him to the cleaners, and the next time you get into a relationship, never turn a blind eye to the finances again.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (23 December 2010):
 I agree with Eyes. The only way I could see it working is with some therapy for you both. I wouldn't blame you for leaving him though, I don't think anyone would.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (23 December 2010):
 I think it's going to take some time for this to resolve itself. It's only been about two months so things are still going to be pretty raw.
First off, you have to assure yourself that your husband has indeed quit visiting this stripper.
Secondly, I think you owe it to yourself and your husband to visit a therapist. Ordinarily guys don't go visiting strippers on a whim. Was something missing from your relationship that caused this to happen? It'll take some courage.
Thirdly, he should probably be tested for STDs, especially if he didn't use a condom.
I don't think you'll ever forget this happened, but I think on some level, you'll eventually be able to forgive him. It make take years, however, for this to happen. You may also want to investigate looking into books, as they may guide you as well.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 December 2010):
 Why do you think you should forgive him?
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