A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Here's the situation. I'm totally in love with my husband and I'm desperate for us to get back together. He has fallen out of love with me and cannot bring himself to be with me sexually. We're still friends and see each other nearly everyday. We have children together. He says he loves me and cares for me but cannot fall back in love with me nor can he see himself making love to me again. He said if he gets past that, then maybe. But I shouldn't hope as most likely that will not happen. He says it would be unfair to live with me and not really be a couple and he would be unhappy if he forced himself to do that because he feels sorry for me. Yet he doesn't realise the pain I'm in living without him is far worse than the pain he would be in living with me. He'd have his freedom to do as he pleases even though that would hurt me but at least we'd be a family. I know I'm being selfish caring about my own feelings. I don't mean to be, I can't help I love him so much. But you could also say he's being selfish only thinking about his feelings too. My feelings go towards keeping a family together, his feelings keep a family in pain and a part. So which is more painful?
View related questions:
get back together Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (13 September 2012):
 Hi
Its hard but you need to 'rip the plaster off' let this man go.You had 20 years plus children, now,for him,its over.Your only hurting yourself right now.
If he meets somebody else, which he may have already, he will just resent you more for clinging on.He will care deeply for you I am sure, your the mother of his children, but, for him,thats all he has left for you.
There IS a life for you afterwards as many women,me included,have found.Your universe doesn't revolve around one man,you have yourself,children,friends,family...just rebuild your life brick by brick.
Could be he might want to come back some day, but don't sit around waiting and if he does I doubt you will want him.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 It's more painful to be with him while he is out with someone else. You are constantly reminded that he doesn't love you. You lose self respect and dignity because you love someone so much yet you watch them go out with other women and move on from you. Everyone would feel sorry for you, including your husband and yourself. That is painful. And you say losing him is worse, well him living with you and having relationships with other women IS losing him. You don't HAVE him if he is dating others. You have a roommate. And what happens when he gets serious with someone else? He won't stay in the house with you, he will live with her. So you would have essentially prolonged the ending of this marriage for years while losing all self respect and delaying any chance at moving on.
I think you have a fear of being alone far more than your love for him and you can't even see it. You need to see a counselor to work through these issues you have and why you need to hang on to something that is long gone. Lots of women have had a husband leave and fall apart but not many would accept their husband dating anyone so long as she isn't alone. You need to work on your self esteem and confidence and deal with being alone. You won't have him live with you forever this way, it isn't feasible or possible, so this is something you will end up having to face.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 I share SVC's opinion.
I think that in the long run it would be much more painful to you if you keep living together.
As of now , it may sound to you like the lesser evil: you get to still see him every day, to talk , take your meals together, do house chores together, stuff like that...
But, pardon my bluntness, if you are OK with being deprived of sex and romance as long as you can live with the man you love,... it is improbable that he'll be OK with being deprived of sex and romance just for the sake of living with a woman he does not love ( romantically ). Sooner or later he'll want to meet someone new, love again, at least have sex again,... and having this happening right under your nose would be terribly hurtful, embarassing and humiliating, I think. You say you'd give him his freedom to do as he pleases, but, are you sure you could stand to see him coming back from a date with a big smile on his lips , or from a night out with a hickey on his neck ?...
And would you not feel a huge loss of dignity and self respect for being such a love beggar ?...
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 I suggest you put this in perspective....
Imagine that, in the Spring, you tilled the soil, and mixed in fertilizer, and planted corn seeds....
Through May and June, you watched - quite contented - as your efforts began to reveal success, with corn "knee high by Fourth of July"....
THEN, a hurricane came through and blew over all your corn stalks and the unending rain deluged your field...
Would you, then, rent a movie and believe that you could use the corn from your fields to make popcorn?????
The "answer" to that rhetorical question will give you the answer to the question that you've posed, herein....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): The problem is my heart won't let him go. I've tried. This has been going on for 3 years now. And with time I'm loving him more and feeling the pain more. I know I will die loving him. He's my soul mate, even though I'm not his. I was with him 20 years.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): Listen, this is a sad story and I really hope you can fix it! If you cant fix it separate for a while and try to build your life without him, I understand he is the love of your life but if he was, you wouldn't be in this situation I know this isn't the beat of news but I hope it helps. You will find someone else that will love and cherish you if things dont work out! Just remember there is always someone out there who loves you! As for the children try to spend as much time as possible with them becayse as hard as it is for you, it is a hard thing for a child to cope with their parents spliting up!
...............................
A
female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 I can't really say what is more painful to be honest you both obviously are experiencing pain, him because he isn't in love with you and you because you are still in that place.
I do think it's unfair if you guys both still live together because you want to keep as a family.
As much as that seems the idealistic thing to do shouldn't you think about the children and how the atmosphere in the house would affect them in their day to day lives?
I know you want to be a family and i'm not for one second saying you aren't trying to do what is right by them but children are highly intelligent and will know that there is something going on even if you both live together.
If your husband doesn't want to do that then the children will pick up on that and it will lead them to become miserable.
You and your husband need to make a compromise for the children's sake. If your husband can't fall back in love with you then maybe you guys being apart can be the thing you need to help you grasp it and move on and focus on yourself your life and your children and he can do the same.
It'll be a bad vibe in the house and affect the children and who knows what they may end up doing they may become rebellious toward you both or single one of you out they may be resentful i think it's best you and your husband talk about things first and then bring the children into the discussion see how they feel on what you both decide to do at least then they'll feel apart of the decision rather than you both making your own minds up and deciding what is best for the children.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): You are clinging on to someone who says he doesn't love you in a passionate way any more. You could say he is being honest and does not want to live a lie. You are prepared to be with him regardless of the hurt it might cause you as you don't want to lose him. But I think you have to face what is a difficult truth and being in denial is only going to prolong the pain. The love of your life has gone and, although it may seem cruel to say it, he may want to start again with someone new in time. So be strong, accept where you are with him, try not to cling on - there is a saying 'don't stand on a cliff that's already crumbling' - look to the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 September 2012):
 I think it's more painful to sit around and hope he will fall back in love with you and put your life on hold waiting for him.
I think it will be more painful to pretend all is well and watch him carry on without you.
I think the short term pain of letting him go is a better option.
...............................
|
