A
female
age
41-50,
*lm2012
writes:I feel like my world was just ripped out of my fingers!! My boyfriend told me 4 days ago that he is over us. Im lost and need to know what to do to prove to him its not theus he is over itsthe fighting!We met five years ago in december and by the end of the first day we met we knew everything about eachother. He was going through a divorce, she had just begun movingout, and mine had been over for a little over a year. Roughly a month and a half after we met we slept together. I got to his house to find rose petals on the bed and nora jones on the ipod. At tha moment we decided we were just friends helping eachother through a roughpatch. Over the course of time of course we began to act more like we were in a relationship than not. To thepointwe were saying I love you. He pulled away and said it was too much and that we would never be more than friends, with benefits. At the time we were living in his house with his brother and his girlfriend. So imoved out and got my own place, but he was there . I sta r In my life, every aspect of it! Including my three kids. I started dating, to prove to him that he wasnt the onlyguy. It seemed to pushhim further away and prove to me that no one else in this world is for me. So, i moved an hour away, stood on my own feet and it brought himback to me. I moved back closer to him, walking distance seeing ashe doesnt have a personal car and i wanted every oportunity to showhim i wanted to be with him. He stuck with the "we will never be more" and i couldnt let that be enough. I started hanging out with some guys from work and didsome unmentionable things.We have had an agreement from the beginning that we would not sleep with anyone else unless we told the other. I didnt tell him and it put a wedge between us. I moved in with a mutual friend and she told me to try dating someone else. I met a guy and within two dates he wanted me tomove in, wooh. Too fast of course.For christmas the guy boughtme a set ofdiamond earings, i didnt turn them down. I get my christmas gift from my now boyfriend a day later and its earings. After four years he finallybought me jewelry!! Big deal for him. So we decided that we were finally going to try this. I came clean with everything i had done and he told me he was waiting on me to prove i could be faithful. I moved in with him. He lives with his long time friend who has never had a serious relTionship. Him and i dont get along! Its like living with two bachelores. When we decided to gi e this a.go he told me that we would onlyhave to stayhere tilmay them we would find a house of our own. I was completely fine with that, i dontcare where we live as long as we are together. Well we found a house and we were in theprocess of buying, everything was perfect, then it fell through. I did nothandle it well andbecame very depressedand stressed. I was taking everything out on him. Pushing for us to get our own place because i knew that was theonly wY our relationship was going to make it. We have been fighting on and off for the past few months. I would apologize.then go back to doing the same stuff. Then a week ago he told me that i should just go find a place for me and my kids. I didnt sleep all night, then i woke himand told him that heis right aboutour.finances and we made a plan on how we are going to move. Then two days later i had a really bad day at work, and i called on my way home and really broke down. I was yelling athim and crying at the same time. We didnt talk for two days, then two days after my blow up he told mehe was over it. That he was done with us, butit couldbe civil. I am trying everything i can toprove to him that its not over, but im running out of options. He told me that he wasnt forcing me out and that he would help where he could. We have had the most amazing relations in the past two days than we have had in a very long time! I cant loose him!!I he has told many people that he still loves me, its not completely lost, right?!My questionis how do Iprove to him that it was just a rough patch and he isnt really over it? Help me savemy life
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (14 September 2012):
 I think you need to focus on yourself for a little while, and then see what happens with your partner. The last few years have been a mess for you, with so many different men, cheating, fighting, financial problems...I honestly think you just need a rest from it all, and learn to stand on your own 2 feet before you can be the partner your boyfriend needs.
I know this is a bit harsh but it might be the wake up call you need - you are a mess, and your life is a mess. You cannot be a good partner when you and everything around you is a mess, you need to sort yourself out emotionally before you can make any man happy.
Save up to buy your own house, a permanent house that is a good home for you and the kids. Dont worry about the boyfriend in this decision - pick a location that is convenient for you and your work, and close the school that your kids attend. Get yourself moved into your new house, and get the kids settled down. This is really bad for your children to move them about so much, and have all these men in and out of your life, they need stability and a place to call home. Try thinking about your children for a change rather than thinking about your love life, they have to come first right now.
Once you have got your house sorted, you have moved in and feel settled, then try and learn how to be alone again. You have bounced around from man to man, dating lots of people, cheating on partners and going backwards and forwards with your long term partner. You need some time just to be you, to get your head straight without a man confusing things. Spend lots of time with your kids, and try and pick up some new hobbies. Do the things you have always wanted to do but you have put to one side for whatever reason. Go out with your friends, see more of your family. Build a happy life for you and your children, when the kids see a happy mom their lives will improve massively.
At the moment your happiness seems to rest on this one man, and that is really not healthy. Think about this - how can a man make you happy if you are not happy with yourself? And how can you make a man happy if you are not happy either? This relationship will keep going round in circles, from argument to argument, drama to drama, until you take some time out, have some space and learn to make yourself happy. Once you are 100% happy being alone, and you have a great life where you have lots of things to do - then you can think about men again.
So once you have your permanent house sorted, the kids are happy and settled and you can say that you are 100% happy being alone, then maybe you can contact this guy again and tell him you want to work things out.
But if you try to contact him before you have sorted yourself out, then you are never going to escape this cycle of fighting, breaking up and getting back together. You need to pull yourself out of this mess before you can think about him again otherwise this drama will continue, and you may lose him for good. If it would help you, send him a letter or an email to say that you are going to take some time out to work on yourself, that you are sorry for the pain you have caused him. That you want him to know you love him very much and hope that you can work on things at a later date, but right now you want to sort yourself out in order to be a better partner to him. That will show him you are taking this very seriously and want to improve as a person so you can be a better girlfriend, and hopefully if you go ahead and do what I have said, then you might just become that happy, balanced person that you should be.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): I have no idea what advice 2 give you but move on. Concentrate on being a good mother to your children. I read your post more than once. And it seems as though you may need some counseling to deal with some of your issues. Just move as best you can. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 You've written quite a wordy submittal.... Yet, no matter how many times I've read it, I can't get past this "answer" to your question:
Why bother????
Good luck...
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