A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have read a lot of the questions and answers on here about porn and there is some interesting reading for sure but I have a question...my husband likes porn and I cant help but notice that the women in the porn he masturbates over always look very different to me..I am in my late 30s and not hugely overweight but definitely chubby..I have also had children.The women he looks at are all young and never overweight. They also never look like they have had children. I realise that porn is about fantasy and he is looking at what most porn is. I asked him and he just says he is attracted to these women.But I also know that if he wanted to look at 'chubby women ' or 'older mature women' he could find it easily in porn but He never does.It hurts e that I feel like I am definitely not his type...maybe personality but Im talking about physically. I can truly say that of I were to look at porn it would be the men MOST like my husband who would turn me on the most...so why not the same with my husband? Is it impossible for her to remain her husbands physical ideal simply because she will age?It seems if he had the choice he would prefer I looked different..and honestly I don't really want to be married to someone who feels I'm less than his ideal physically and ha issues with my body type...Is this reason enugh to leave my marriage which is otherwise good.
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female
reader, zoeycee +, writes (15 January 2010):
I think the most logical answer is that he isn't attracted to overweight women. I know it sounds blunt, but I think in the back of your mind you know that is the real answer.
A
female
reader, PreciousNY +, writes (4 May 2008):
I absolutely understand what you are feeling, but all men, no matter what size or shape their wives are look at porn with the thin, perfect figured, girls. It is in no way a reflection on you or what you look like. And it certainly will not make your husband desire you any less. It's all about fantasy, which everyone has whether you are a woman or a man. Men love a "confident" woman, so be confident no matter how much you weigh. When a man loves a woman, he really loves and you'd be surprised just how attractive you are to him regardless of how different you look than the porn stars. His attraction to you if far more than just your physical body, it is made up of love, personality and comfort as well. Don't let this get you down at all.....men watching porn has absolutely nothing to do with the way they feel about us and no porn in the world can change that.
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A
female
reader, Misti Hdz +, writes (4 May 2008):
 I understand what you are saying. When I got with my husban I was 118lbs, big chested and had a knock out body, 5 years and 3 kids later, I am 175lbs, and I can't stand the way I look (naked) that is. But this is the truth about all of it. My man and I tried watching porn together for the first time last night, and it was enjoyable, and they were all thin women in the videos, it didn't bother me bacause I wouldn't want to watch someone my size having sex either it wouldn't turn me on as much. And I don't consider me to be FAT just a little chunky. But as long as he loves you the weight doesn't realy matter he will still get turned on by you.That is the way love works. I asked my husband one time "do you enjoy sex with me like you did before we had kids, or is it different now that I am chunky?" his reply was"how can I not enjoy it. it is natural. you are only chunky because you had my babies." and I believe him, hopefully your husband sees it the same way. Basically you are the one who has a problem with your appearance, and it is hard to get over, I'm still not over it, but if my man had the choice of having sex with me or having sex with someone with a A+ figure he would choose me no doubt about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): I understand your feelings. I think men and wome are different when it comes to what turns us on or what we are attracted to. I don't think men are as complicated as women when it comes to "sex" and attraction. Sometimes I think we, wives, surprise them when they fall for us because perhaps we're not the ideal beauty- yet they love us deeply. This is a special thing they learn from us- that they can love with depth. They still have alot of superficial fantasies and they just seem to indulge in these tings from time to time. It's normal, comfortable, and unemotional for them. It still bothers me too- but I do feel good in that it wasn't soe bigboobed blonde airhead that they setled with- but little old me- and I'm the one they miss and long for on an emotional level. PS- I strongly suggest you watch some porn just to learn a few tips- not that you should change who you are but justsome tricks up the sleave and to watch theses women- they have a way of appearing confident that men love!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (4 May 2008):
 It doesn't sound like he has an issue with your body. It sounds like you do. Let's be honest. There is a stereo typical image of what is sold to us as the ideal body. It's on TV. movies, magazines,models etc. Let's also he honest enough to say that most of us do not have those bodies. If your husband finds a particular actress on TV to be beautiful, does that mean he doesn't find beautiful?
You see, you can't say that your husband doesn't like one thing just because he also likes another thing....what ever the thing may be. This bothers you more because it's your body and you would probably enjoy it to be a little less chubby.
Another example might be this. Another woman is a really good cook. Every time you and your husband goes there, he rants about how great the food was. She knows more about cooking than you. Does that mean your food is no good?
It's understandable why you take this personally. Try to get into better shape if you are not thrilled with the way you are now. There will always be others who seem to be "better/different" than we see ourselves. We all have qualities that set us apart. You have to be honest enough to admit there are women, other than yourself, who are VERY attractive. You also must admit that it is possible for any of us to be attracted to people other than our spouses. That does not though, negate your worth as a spouse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): yes, but if he could have her personality AND the body of the porn star he would obviously prefer that to her personality and her body s it is by the sounds of it? Right?
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A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (4 May 2008):
This is not an easy question to answer and I am sure that there are many views on this.
First of all, how do you feel that your husband regards you? Do you think he loves you and does he show it? When you are being intimate together do you feel that his attention is on you or elsewhere? Does he try to please you physically? Do you ever "fake it" so that his ego is okay?
Most men that look at porn do so with a pure physical interest while most men who marry do so because there is something more than just physical attraction. Your husband married you because you seem best suited to him. That is in all respects. Yes people change but feelings carry through any physical stuff. When you are both in your 70's you (hopefully) will still be in love, but clearly time will have left its mark. If he is like most men he will still be attracted to younger women, but it will be you that he loves, you that he feels emotionally safe with, and so on.
Don't worry too much about the types of women he looks at in porn. But do make sure that whatever worries you do have you talk through with him. That you seem comfortable with him watching porn makes you quite rare among wives so you should be able to talk about feelings. It is important that he understands your unease and self doubt.
Do get to the bottom of this. It is important for you both. Before considering leaving him, think of the investment you have both made in this marriage. Think of how to tell him that if you felt more sexually secure with him it would be easier to deal with.
All the best and try not to worry. If all else fails, consider the joke about a dog chasing cars. They would not know what to do if they caught one.
Keep smiling
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