A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i am feeling like a total fool. i was informed last night that my husband of 23 years wants a divorce, he has a baby by a girl that is 24 years old and she is expecting another one by him again... yes you read this right the baby she just had is 4 months old and she is pregnant again. he says he wants to do the right thing and be her husband and be there for his children. before you say they are not his, i have already gone around with him over this, he knows they are his he said. he works out of town and makes 180k a year so she has been staying with him. apparantly they have been playing house. he comes home on weekends and tells me how much he loves me and than goes back to her. i am beside byself. he says he does not love me anymore and that he loves her so much and she loves him too. he was so hurtfull last night to me telling me that he is not attracted to me anymore, that im too good for him, and i have been an amazing wife but he just cant let her go. what do you do but cry the hardest that you have ever cried because, i never could have children, that punched a hole in my stomach the size of the grand canyon. so he packed up his belongings and left me with swollen eyes sobbing. what does she have that i dont have but youth. and the fact that she could have kids. what am i gonna do without him, i love him so much and cannot believe that this is happening. i want to wake up from this nightmare. why does'nt he love me anymore? how can he change his feelings for me so drastically?i thought we were so in love and that nothing or nobody could ever take that away. i am so stupid, guess money can buy happiness, he told me that he has been taking care of her for almost two years now, and that he wants to take care of her for the rest of his life. i remember struggling through life with him, working and hardly making the bills and now after three years we were saving and making plans of retirement he takes it all leaving me behind with nothing and noone. how could he be so cold to do this to me to us. its like he changed over night.he told me he only wanted one kid before he left this earth, and he got it, he didnt expect the next one but he is happy. i dont know how to let go...help me to understand this please
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): What a coward he is! If having kids was SO important to him he should have had the guts to divorce you years ago before he had lined up another relationship to fall back on. Did he even tell you how important it was to him? Did you two explore adoption as a way to have kids since having kids is so important to him?I suspect he doesn't really want kids that much. He just wants to show the world that he impregnated a woman 20 years younger than him. His kids are trophy kids like she disband trophy too. This is just about him being a coward. And don't worry she is only with him for his money so he has it coming to him. What on earth does a 24 year old woman want in a 50 year old man? Money and nothing more. So get a lawyer and get as much money and assets from the divorce as you can. I bet she will not find him so attractive in a year or two when his assets and income are reduced from the divorce. And even if not, I bet it is only a matter of time that she cheats on him with a man her own age who is younger and hotter. She has already shown she is a cheater, so there is a good chance she will cheat on him and dump him for a younger model just like he did to you. Then you will be the one laughing. And you can come back here on DC and update us and we will laugh at him too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): I am so sorry this is happening to you. Your husband is a selfish liar.To you it seems that he suddenly stopped loving you. In reality he stopped loving you over 2 years ago. He was just pretending and acting. What a horrible person he is!! The man you love doesn't actually exist. The real guy is who he is - a selfish lying jerk.He only wanted one kid before he died? How selfish and egotistical is that! I suppose he didn't want to pursue adoption with you, did he? No, he wanted only kids that he has made. His strong desire to be a parenr is not because he loves kids but only because wants to see his DNA walking around to prove his manhood. How pathetic. And the fact that he was playing house with her for 2 years?? Talk about back stabbing. Make sure to get he best divorce lawyer you can, and take him to the cleaners! He deserves it for being a back stabbing jerk. Not only that but marriage is a legal contract and by having an affair for 2 years he was breaching that contract. In the business world when contracts are broken there are legal repercussions. Same has to apply to marriage. He makes 180K a year, he can afford it. That's more money than the majority or people make. Do not go quietly into the night. He is having a party now making his new family "official", he needs to suffer the consequences of being a betrayer. Tell everyone you know what he did. Put it all over facebook that he lied and cheated for 2 years. all his friends and family and coworkers and acquaintances should know what a lying back stabber he is. Don't keep this a secret. If he didn't want his personal reputation to change well then he shouldn't have done this.
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female
reader, Sara_the_Slytherin +, writes (26 October 2013):
 What a piece of shit! He doesn't care about doing the right thing, he's just making excuses for the fact that he has NO BALLS. The RIGHT THING would be to not cheat on you. You don't deserve this scumbag... get a GOOD lawyer, because some are worthless. You are entitled to alimony, it's rightfully yours. This is NOT YOUR FAULT and you have a right to get a lawyer and sue him. He deserves to have to pay you alimony. You are in the prayers of a lot of people.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 Get all you can get from this dead beat and as a thought; at least it wasn't an older woman he fell for.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): I am so sorry, women to women, I really feel for you my dear sister. You sound like a good women, and this guy is beyond words. I know you may not want to hear this right now, but everything is always happening for the best, I've seen this happen in my life when horrible events took place. You deserve a man who will love you for all you are, it sounds like he doesn't really know how to do that and he is limited. I don't think you really want to be with a man like this, that would abandon his wife for a younger women. Girl, there is no escaping the pain, the best thing you can do is turn into it and accept that you are going to feel like you were hit by a mac truck. That's just it, there is nothing anyone can do and should do to make that go away, it's a hurtful hurtful event. So, just embrace that you will feel betrayed, hurt, depressed, and like you been stabbed in the heart. But know, it will get better, and one day you will look back and see this in a different light.And GET YOUR MONEY RIGHT. I agree with everyone and I know it's difficult buy you are apart of that financial success, so make sure to get your part. I am sending you love and will pray for you. I really wish you all the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): I will give it to you straight on this one....none of this morally dignified rubbish on this question!!take him to the cleaners and get what you are entitled too! 2 whole years worth!!i guarantee you this will be the best revenge....and revenge is sweet......because this little tart has come into the world not knowing what hard work is, not knowing how hard you worked to build that life up and financially with it! that tramp has come along an thought 'great easy money easy life' well now your going to get yourself a good lawyer and put a stop to all of that!you get a lawyer and you take what is rightfully yours and more, see if life is so rosy then! he wants to look after her? let him work himself to look after her, i guarantee you when you have what is rightfully yours and she is stuck with what is rightfully hers-that loser! things wont be so great for him then!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): im the original poster: to answer your question, i did work all those years, supporting him while he tried to find his place in the world. he went from job to job and sometimes didnt work for months. but i supported his dreams, i believed in him and all his promises of a bright future. and than he found what he was good at and made better money than most college graduates do. i became so stressed out at the managers job i had which i was making 2k a month he told me to quit to do the things i wanted to do and that was 3 months ago just a week ago i had said i was going back to work to help our bank account grow. he told me no, i have this undercontrol trust in me. i love you and want you to stay at home. but anyway, yes i will get an attorney, but i dont want to hurt him, i do believe that i deserve money, if i dont get it she will. and how fair is it that she gets to reap what i helped make. im not upset about the baby, because i would never begrudge anyone of Gods gifts. just wish i had known that before we got together. anyway God bless all of you and thank you
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female
reader, cupid lover  +, writes (20 October 2013):
Make him pay finiancially and spoil yourself A LOT!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): I do agree with the aunts suggesting you get half of his assets because you deserve it, you've been a good wife who emotionally supported him all this years so that he could amass the money he now has, get yourself a good lawyer to orientate you, I'm sorry for the pain you're going through and there is really nothing I can say to try to diminish it, can only suggest that you try to live a purposeful life and focus on yourself from now on.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (20 October 2013):
 Lawyer up and take him to the cleaners dear lady. Don't feel sorry for him one bit. Take him for everything he's got. I guarantee that A..hole is going to be running back to you in a few years when that kniving tramp leaves him for someone younger or to go find herself. As soon as the dough runs out, she will no longer be interested in him. She thought she found herself a sugar daddy and made sure she trapped him with not one but two pregnancies. All that sugar belongs to you, so make sure you get it.
This is not the end for you dear lady. This is just the beginning of a fantastic rest of your life without that loser. You will soon realize just how much he weighed you down. I know right now you are going through the worst emotional pain you can ever imagine, but I promise you, you are going to blossom, and you are going to enjoy life and do things that you want to do for yourself. When he does come crawling back, you will not want him back, and that is the sweetest revenge. Look forward to that day when you can tell him to go kick rocks.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 Unfortunately, you have learned that your husband of so many years is a terrible cad..... Now, focus on THIS bit of your submittal: "...i am so stupid, guess money can buy happiness, he told me that he has been taking care of her for almost two years now, and that he wants to take care of her for the rest of his life...."
... and, recall that YOU have spend 23 years of YOUR life being a good wife to this creep. THEREFORE.... get yourself a good barrister... and make sure that he gets his divorce (so's he can make that life with his little tart!)... BUT, that YOU get about 1/2 of all the value (the assets) that you have accumulated over those 23 years.... AND, that he is required to PAY you generous alimony for those 23 year's worth of you being a good wife... and let him PAY for his release from YOU (a good wife).... for the deception and unfaithfulness that HE did over the last few years.... for a darn good, long time!!!
Incidentally, after a while, he will learn that his tart is not only not nearly as good a wife as you... but he will also learn that SHE has - and will impose upon him - demands and expectations that YOU can't dream of..... When that happens... there's a chance - no less than 50/50 - that he will come back to you.... on bended knees... asking your forgiveness.... and that you take him back....
I suggest that you hire a "Chippendale" dancer for that day... and tell Mr Creep that you've found a hot young lover to take care of your needs... and that he is NO LONGER necessary..... and, "....please remove yourself from my front steps, or I will have to call the Constable..."
Good luck.... It's refreshing to see cads such as this pay dearly for their indiscretions and unfaithfulness....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): Heartbreaking story. I have been cheated on after several years and that hurt so bad. I cannot imagine how much this must hurt.
The other aunts are right that you are not thinking clearly at this stage in the process. The emotions are too raw. Understand that your judgment is basically too clouded for anything, including trying to asses what your future holds, and including even trying to make sense of your husband's motivations. I know its impossible not to think about all this stuff but just remember those thoughts will probably change a lot in the coming weeks/months.
I do not agree with the other aunts about some of the alimony comments. I only think alimony is morally justified if you really compromised your career/earnings for the benefit of him and the marriage. Too many times I think its just prize money being awarded for getting divorced after a woman has already enjoyed her husband's greater earning power instead of working to maximize her own earning potential all those years. Your husband may be very wrong for what he did but I encourage you not to lower yourself to stealing to get back at him. Get a lawyer and go after whatever you feel is rightfully yours, no more and no less. Be the better person.
Midlife crisis? That term should be abolished. Its almost always either being used to ridicule men for trying to have a little fun after they have worked long & hard to earn it, or else its being used to excuse behavior that is inexcusable like in the OP's story.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (19 October 2013):
 Yes get a lawyer. F§§§ this guy. He screwed u emotionally now screw him back. Very sorry about this. Absolutely horrid.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (19 October 2013):
I'm not going on about the rights and wrongs of what happened to you. I'm sorry it did and he is a jerk.
You need to get a lawyer. You need to get counselling. You need to get family and friends support to help you through this. Please don't sit at home hoping and praying a-hole will come back. He is NOT! Start thinking about your needs. Start getting your adt together. Your ex has done that. He is taking care of himself.
Get the process started for you. You have a long year ahead of you. I wish I could help you through this!
Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You shouldn't feel like a fool, he should. What goes around comes around, and this young girl is not going to want him in her life for long. He is nothing more to her than dollar signs.
Get yourself a good attorney and fight for everything you can. He is a liar and cheater and you don't need him in your life. You are too good for him. Be strong.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (19 October 2013):
 First of all, I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Many of the aunts/uncles on DC have been cheated on, so we know the terrible shock/pain that you are feeling. *HUGS*
Your world has collapsed and you dont know whether you are up or down, coming or going. Its a horrible feeling, you just feel like you are being swallowed up and you don't know what to do. Its like being punched in the stomach, you've had the wind knocked out of you. It hurts so much that you feel like maybe you aren't going to make it. Trust me when I say, you will. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you will be ok again. Its going to take time and there will plenty of bad days and many many tears shed along the way, but you can get through this. You have to believe in yourself and your strength.
I didn't have a husband leave me for a younger woman, but I did have a husband get another woman pregnant and marry her when our divorce was only final six weeks. I do know that horrible feeling of betrayal.
Stop blaming yourself. Do NOT play the "what if" game. We all have our faults and no matter what..your husband is so wrong what he has done to you. It isn't your fault that you couldn't have a child, and if having one was that important to him, then he never should have married you or when he found that he just couldn't go through life without a child, he should have done the honorable thing and talked to you and then you could have went your separate ways. Instead, he chose to be a cheating lying jerk and told you in the cruelest way he could have. Why? None of really know for sure except him..but I can guess...perhaps he felt he was getting older (mid life crisis) and wanted to feel young again, or it was the initial thrill or he felt he was bored..who knows? It doesnt really matter does it? The fact is, he's treated you with disrespect and he's a coward.
I agree that he feels badly and told you in such a cruel manner because deep down inside he knows he's wrong and he can't say it out loud and admit to himself that he's a #1 ass.
You need to start thinking about you, sweetie. Talk to someone that you can trust..family member, friend, a minister, anyone that loves you and will let you rant and rave and get it out of your system. You're going to need support. If you don't have anyone, I know there are internet sites that you can go to, or possibly you can see a counselor. Talk it out..don't keep it bottled up inside. Get a journal..write down everything you are feeling..every day. It helps. You can rant and rave all you want, and then tear it up and throw it away.
You're going to hurt sweetie, there's no way around it. 23 years is a very long time..and the pain isn't going to subside over night..but take baby steps. Be good to you ok?
Once you get past the initial shock..get yourself a good lawyer. A barracuda..one that will fight tooth and nail for you. Your husband has cheated, there's proof of it and don't you let him get away with ANYTHING. My apologies to the nice guys on DC..but you need to take this man to the cleaners. Don't let him give you some crap about "I can't afford it..blah blah..with 2 kids." TOUGH! Thats his problem and HER problem..not yours. You gave 23 years of your life to this man and he turns you in for a newer model?? Well make him pay for it. Sounds like he makes a pretty penny and just remember that 1/2 of what he has is yours (unless there's a pre-nup). I know you probably can't think this way right now, and I sound cold and calculating..but you need to be looking out for you and taking care of you. Don't let him get away with a thing.
If he wants his freedom, so be it. It will come with a nice little price tag.
And then you need to heal. Be good to yourself. Again, do not blame yourself for what has happened. You have got to be strong. Remember that he isn't the only man out there and you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Of course you dont feel like finding anyone now, or maybe even for a few years. But perhaps in time you will. If you don't, that's ok too. Surround yourself with people who love you, do things you like to do, join a club, get a new hobby, exercise (it is great for relieving stress!)...but do not sit at home in a dark house and wallow in despair and depression. Its certainly ok to grieve and cry and feel terrible, but do NOT let those terrible feelings become the only thing that you have! You must go on and dig down deep inside of yourself to find inner strength. Its there..we never know how strong we really are until we are tested. This is a really difficult test, but you can do this ok? Do not let him destroy you. Turn this into a mission to make yourself a happier, healthier person WITHOUT him.
Love yourself sweetie. I know it may not seem like it right now, but you are better off without him. And this other woman isn't getting any prize..you know that. She'll find out the hard way..let her.
I wish you all the best. You hang in there. It will get better. Please let us know how you are, and feel free to PM me. Be strong.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (19 October 2013):
You’re right to ask for help in understanding this, rather than asking how you feel better about it, because at this moment your emotions are so raw that any attempt to offer comfort will seem hollow. Nevertheless you do need people around you at the moment, so I really would strongly urge you to tell a family member or close friend about what’s happened, so you can get a bit of support around you.
What’s happened is this: you’ve been a victim of your husband’s failure to be honest, with himself as much as you.
He was obviously not okay with the fact that he wouldn’t be able to have children, or his feelings changed about that. You say you were so in love but his feelings have gradually changed and he’s fallen out of love with you. IT may have seemed like a bolt out of the blue to you because he never said. It won’t have to him.
Unfortunately it’s human nature to find others attractive and many men would be flattered by the interest of a much younger woman. When he met her, he couldn’t overlook the problems in your marriage anymore.
Unfortunately his dishonesty has extended to two-timing, still keeping up the pretence of loving you whilst living another life with the mistress, rather than telling you straight away as soon as he’d decided he needed to leave the marriage.
. That was very wrong and very cruel of him.
It’s only natural you’re angry and hurt. Once this all sinks in you will eventually need to shift your focus away from trying to find an explanation for his betrayal, to getting your life back on track and thinking about your future. That’s a way off yet though and so I stress again, get as much support around you as you can at this time.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 Aw, honey I was in almost exactly the same situation 12 years ago. Life does go on...and it gets much better.
First off, the problem isn't YOU, it's him. He's a cheater, and if he cheated on you with her, he will cheat on her with the next girl...
Secondly, make him pay financially! Get a good lawyer, a REAL good lawyer and go after alimony. As much as you can get! HE wronged you, not the other way around.
Finally, living well is the best revenge. So live well, fall back in love with yourself and take care of yourself. You'll get back on your feet and he will be a bad memory.
I know what it's like to ache for the joy of motherhood, and for your own biology to deny you that privilege--I also know the pain of my ex having two kids to the little frump he left me for, and cheated on me with.
But, doing well really is the best revenge. I moved on to a happy relationship with a single dad, a whole new career, and a great lifestyle as an independant woman. Now my marriage and subsequent divorce just seems like a bad dream I woke up from one day.
It will get better, trust me.
You're in my prayers and thoughts.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 October 2013):
 He won't be able to leave you with nothing. You built a life with him and supported him throughout the years. You are entitled to alimony. You just need a good lawyer.
He was a jerk for doing this after 23 years of marriage. He could have chosen not to marry you if kids are that important. Or even consider adoption. No amount of "true love" could justify this cheating. So I don't think he left you because you can't have children, but because his life would be more convenient living with her.
When he hurt you the other night it was more like guilt and he thought that being short and terse would avoid any hassles of breaking up. I also feel it's his middle life crisis speaking and thinks that being with a young woman would prove that he's still young. Sadly a lot of men would love to have younger women, treating their wives like they are nothing and it's just that he is rich and can afford one.
I find it hard to believe you didn't see any clue of his cheating, for two years. He must be a good actor and can lie with his eyes open.
What you have that the young woman does not is your wisdom and understanding of human behavior. Most women can have babies but that does not make you a woman. I don't think he left you because you are unlovable and unattractive but more like he cheated, impregnated a young girl and jumped ship. He made a bad mistake and cannot bring himself to say he loves you.
Unless he is some psychopath unable to have empathy he will feel bad. He could be just hiding his pain so that the break up will be fast and smooth. At the end it seems like ruthless people step over others and win. But I say the ability to love and the feel makes us more human.
You are able to be happy again. You must not feel there is something wrong with you to have caused this to happen. You have many lovable qualities and he didn't cherish them.
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