A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for a year and a half. My husband is a wonderful man and would do anything for me. The problem is, I think of him more as a best friend/brother than my husband. We share everything but I have to admit that I have no physical attraction to him anymore. We very, very rarely have sex. I am so worried about leaving him as it will destroy him, so what do I do for the best? Do I stay and keep telling him I love him when I don't? This has been complicated further because I have recently become attracted to, and have feelings for another man, who also feels the same way about me. I wouldn't cheat on my husband, but I can't help feeling this way. Any advive would be appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): I am sorry, but this thing makes me doubt what marriage means. NOw a day, people just get married for the sake of it or becaue they think they are oh so in love and then by the slightest problm that comes in their way they give it up. hasnt your mothe rever told y ou thaht the first year was going to be great, but the following to hard? of course you dont feel much attarction to him because all you have been doing for the past year with him is following the ruls of being a ood wife- telling him your feelings, cooking fo him, having wild sex.. and now you have reached the point where you d not know what else to do to make your self feel special and find him special. if he is as wonderful as you say he is I recommend you should find a way of wrking things out before you commit anything you might regret.that is just my opinion and advice. but if you just feel like marriage is a piece of shoe were you try it and throw it away because it is has one flaw than do so. But bare in mind that there are some shoes that are limited, so make your choice wisely.best of luck.
A
female
reader, Amac  +, writes (16 August 2008):
I totally understand how you feel. I was in similar situation. I found that the fact I had feelings for another man simply clarified that although I loved my husband of 27 years, I did not *LOVE* him and had not for some years. We were more just friends and this sounds like you. It is so hard but like others my advice would be get some counselling and don't start anything with anyone else until you have sorted your feelings out for your husband one way or the other for good. I have a great relationship with my ex husband but I'd never go back to him. I held back, did things as nicely as I could and NEVER told him I had feelings for someone else, even tho I didn't cheat on him. You may find that like some of us replying to you, you do need to move on as life is short and happiness is so hard to find. Better not to be with someone than to be with someone for the wrong reasons or you'll both end up unhappy.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (16 August 2008):
 Your biggest mistake so far is cheating on your husband. Being attracted to another guy is no crime but if you've confirmed with this other guy that the feeling is mutual, you've mentally cheated. That is very disrespectful to your husband. No matter what you do, when he finds out about the other guy, he'll believe you've been cheating physically too. One thing is for sure, you've really made this situation more messy by starting up with the other guy. Do the proper thing and deal with one problem before you start another. It's too late now but perhaps you can minimize the damage and save some of your reputation and integrity.
Also, you will never be able to give your marriage the effort it deserves while your mind is clouded by this other guy. Love does change too. It's not always fireworks and shooting stars. If your husband husband has as many good attributes as you say, what does the other guy offer?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): Looking at this from the 'wounded husband' point of view, you've only been married for 18 months, so what's changed in such a short time? Is it him that's changed or is it you? I'm thinking that if you've become attracted to another man, that will divert any affection you may have away from your husband.
Did you perhaps get married for the wrong reasons - like security and a roof over your head perhaps? Did you really love him at the time you got married? Was it a whirlwind romance where you met one week and married the next?
Finally, is there anything that your husband could do, any action he could take, to change the way you're feeling right now? If not, then I guess it's over. He might not be as devastated as you think because he must realise, unless he's completely oblivious to everything around him, that things just ain't the way they were, not least the lack of intimacy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): I have felt like you do for the last 10 years of my marriage and I married young (aged 21). It gets no easier once this feeling starts. It is hard because decent blokes are hard to find but living a half life is no better either - I found I was unable to have sex because it just did not feel right at all. I succumbed to tempation which I regret deeply as it did nothing to help me consider the situation just made it worse and worse. I recommend you give yourself 6 months to make or break this. Tell your husband exactly and I mean totally honestly how you are feeling which gives him a chance too unspoken words are no good - and you need to put things in place which give you that last chance to decide. Sometimes, as this is only my experience, we need to change ourselves and the way we feel about ourselves before we can either change or move on from a relationship that is wrong. Otherwise you end up distracting yourself with other relationships. Think about how you can bring more to your life - a new interest, a challenge etc and this helps to boost your own confidence - something you will need to make this big decision with clarity.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (16 August 2008):
 I feel for you because ive been in the exact same situation myself. And i didn't want to cheat either.
I ended up going to counselling in the end because he was such a lovely guy, that i WANTED to love him like i used to again. But alas, the counsellor helped me see that if its gone, sometimes it just aint coming back. It was one of the hardest things i ever did tellng him it was over, but there isn't really any other thing you can do. Life is too short.
Before you get involved with the new guy, you need to end things with you hubby. Yes he will be gutted, but be as gentle as you can about it.
My ex was happy, and would of been happy as we were til the day we died, i have no doubt about that, as family members said too.
7 yrs on and lots of failed flings later with some pretty dire blokes, i know i have lived now, but if i met my ex again, as in the person he was, i would be thanking my lucky stars. Good men are hard to find. He is happy settled for the last few yrs with a nice woman and our kids get on well with her, so nice guys do move on, like your hubby will.
See about some counselling. They can be a great help and Relate isn't just about keeping people together, its there to help us move on too.
Good luck
C xxxxxx
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