A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here's the thing. My boyfriend and I please each other with foreplay and dry humping. I've gone down on him, he's gone down on me. Stuff like that. What I've noticed is even though he's really good, it's very rare for me to climax, and I don't know why. Everytime we go and have "our fun" he cums, but I can't! Granted, I have climaxed when doing myself, and I've shown him the "good" spots that turn me on, but is there something wrong with me? Or is it my imagination?
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (16 August 2008):
 Typically - and that means more often than not - a woman not climaxing during sex is due to inadequate foreplay prior to intercourse. The Masters & Johnson studies, as well as others, proved it. You said that you and your guy dry-hump and include foreplay, but how much and what kind of foreplay? The latter should last 20 to 30 minutes or more and include a variety of activities such as touching, massaging, fingertip-teasing, kisses all over and more.
Let's pick up following your dry-humping session when you both have disrobed and climbed into bed. He continues with lingering french-kisses along with light to moderate breast massage, eventually tracing his fingertip around each nipple with an occasional little squeeze to each nipple. At least a few minutes or more of that is accompanied by kisses up and down your neck, perhaps around your ears and slowly moving down toward your chest. All this and much of what follows is alternated from moment to moment - more french kisses, more necking and occasional licks as well.
Eventually his lips move to your breasts - kissing, licking, sucking, nibbling and a few very light nips on the nipples with his teeth. He continues to massage with his hands, and tease the nipples with fingers as well, but eventually he begins running his fingertips lower down your body, across and up and down your tummy, sides and hips just lightly tracing you with his fingers - almost like a tickle but slightly firmer - I call this fingertip-teasing.
All this is to increase your anticipation, and it is sexually stimulating to both of you. Although both nude, note than his hands have yet to approach your special area. In fact, while still kissing and suckling your breasts, he brushes his fingertips down your thighs as far as he can comfortably reach, then back up to your torso and back down the thighs, still avoiding direct contact with your vulva. His kisses may move down to your tummy as he continues fingertip-teasing. He parts your legs a bit, if needed, in order to fingertip-tease up and down your inner thighs. You know where this is headed. Ever so slowly, both his fingers and lips are converging on your vulva. At least 15 to 20 minutes have passed before his fingertips finally begin brushing - very lightly at first - across your mound, and his lips are still kissing and lightly brushing just above. Gradually, he begins grasping and stroking your mound with the palm of his hand, then gently traces your outer labia (vulva lips) with his fingertips. This should proceed awhile, while he goes back to you breasts and adds more kisses to your neck and lips.
Depending on your response, this is about the time for him to change position, moving down between your more widely parted legs. After moistening his fingers with saliva, he begins to part your labia and trace his fingertips up and down. If you are still not naturally soaking wet, then he should keep re-wetting his fingers with saliva. After a few minutes of ever increasingly massaging of the lips, he begins to gently probe your vaginal opening, parting your legs even wider. Using the index finger and thumb of one hand, he inserts first his middle finger of the other hand for a moment, then adds the ring finger as well, eventually using a slight "come-hither" motion with his fingertips about three inches inside your vagina. His palm should be facing upward, and the motion should stimulate your G-spot. A side-to-side, and a circular motion, are also effective inside the vagina. He can eventually begin to "very" gently rub your clitoris with a wet fingertip, first around it and gradually a bit firmer with a variety of motions.
After several moments of this, my preference is to perform cunnilingus for another ten minutes or so. You can find and read my techniques by entering that word in the search field at the top of every page on DearCupid. But your man could also move to penile insertion after all that and probably bring your to orgasm, which perhaps had occurred already. The more the merrier! If none of that works, perhaps you should visit a good sex doctor. Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): Ok - so you've shown him the good spots, but does he get distracted and not really take any notice of what you've shown him?
I doubt that there's anything wrong with you or that it's your imagination. Not all women are able to climax through penetrative sex anyway. Perhaps you need to train your brain to relax and enjoy what's going on rather than always aiming for that ultimate explosion. But he has to do his bit and concentrate on your pleasure, not just his own.
No doubt the ladies will have further thoughts on this.
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A
female
reader, anella +, writes (16 August 2008):
hello. i have the same problem. i was never able to climax with my boyfriend! i think it maybe something going on in our heads while doing it and not really relaxing. i always worry is it good enough for him.
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