A
female
age
36-40,
*lueBody
writes:My husband likes to cook but is bad at it. I am a great cook since I’ve worked in the restaurant industry for ten years. I want to teach him and have him start by helping me chop the vegetables and take care of the kitchen first before doing the cooking. You can only become a good cook if you first know to make the place clean and cut vegetables first. He says this is boring and goes sulks if I stop him. He then ends up not helping at all which makes me very angry. I want to convince him to help me but not cook. The worst part is he actually says his food is tasty and that’s a good enough benchmark. On Valentines Day, I came home with a plan to make something really exciting. He’d come home earlier and made something really sub par that I threw away. I take my food personally and always want it to be top notch. Edible is just not enough. Am I right in my anger? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, liddel  +, writes (20 February 2018):
Nothing I can add to the barrage but, Dear Miss Kitty, (Honiepie) Please do not inflict on a cooking instructor and a class, this anal retentive woman. Please withdraw your suggestion they attend a cooking class together. It is guaranteed not to go well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): Sheezes. You're way too up tight and right out rude. You threw away the food he made for you for Valentines. That's a crappy thing to do. I don't care how "sub par" it was. When someone makes you food, it's common courtesy to appreciate it. If you don't like it, cook yourself. He's not your trainee or hired kitchen help. He is your husband, and that is a major difference. You're not supposed to hold him to the restaurant standard, you're supposed to hold him to the husband standard. In which he is excellent. But you're too blind to see it. He deserves and apology from you and you need to back off. If you want restaurant quality, cook it yourself. Not with him being forced to be your kitchen help. Do it all yourself, or leave him to do what HE wants to do/cook and be grateful someone cares about you enough to want to cook for you. Anything else is rude, tactless and disgraceful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2018): Wow..newsflash- people have different tastes and preferences. For example, some like steak practically raw, and others like it charred and very well done. Some like spicy food, others like traditional meat and potatoes with not too much spice. Just because YOU do not like his food does not give you a right to tell him he can only clean and chop vegetables and he is not allowed to cook until he gets that right. Really?! I think you need to look into YOUR control issues because that sounds like a mom correcting a 3 year old boy. Then you throwing out food he has made to try and make a nice holiday for you both...he comes home early to do that gesutre and you throw it in the trash? If I was him I would be getting a divorce as fast as my legs could carry me. Your cruelty and controlling nature is over the top. If you want a chef then go marry someone from Master Chef- but I hope they like their food EXACTLY how you do because apparently that is the only acceptable way for you- your way or the highway.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 February 2018):
 My heart *really* breaks for your husband. I feel so terribly awful because of the way you are treating him. You having restaurant or culinary experience means nothing in this setting, as in a HOME setting, food is an expression of love, not a demonstration of ego and skill. He's been trying to show you how much he loves you, and you've been destroying him by belittling him at every turn.
He wanted to make you a Valentine meal, and you threw it away?? That's the ultimate sadness! It would be the same if you were to dress up sexy for him, turn off all the lights, put on some romantic music and start rubbing his back sensually, and he were to turn around, shove you away from him roughly, and berate you for not having the therapeutic massage license he has, and then finally he relegates you to holding the massage oil for another woman to rub his back.
Cooking at home for a lover is INTIMATE! You hear that food is sex on a plate. Cutting the vegetables or cleaning a kitchen is not cooking. It's PREPPING, and you trying to get him to prep FOR YOU is like his making you hold the oil for someone else to massage him. It's unbelievably heartless.
What you SHOULD do is stay the hell OUT of the kitchen and let him cook! Let him experiment! Watch food channels or whatever, or I'm telling you this -- even with his sub-par cooking abilities, another woman will get him from you faster than you can say "risotto".
I'm the better cook in my house. When I have time, I cook some complicated stuff. However, it means the absolute world when my husband makes me a simple grilled cheese sandwich or celery with peanut butter. I thank him profusely and consider myself lucky to have a man who loves me enough to show it by feeding me!
You need to put your ego aside, because right now, you are WAY too territorial about the kitchen, and it's wrecking your marriage.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 February 2018):
 Wow! I had to read your post twice because I couldn't believe I had read it correctly the first time. Sadly I had.
He went to the effort of cooking you a special Valentine meal which you then threw away because it wasn't "top notch"? Such a shame they didn't teach you manners at the same time as how to chop vegetables at your fancy restaurant.
The fact that his man still keeps trying to please you despite your ingratitude and pompous attitude towards him says a lot about his strength of character. Many would have thrown you in the garbage with the discarded lovingly -prepared meal. This man is your husband, your EQUAL, not your underling or minion.
Why don't you agree a rota and cook on different days? He can put up with your fancy meals on some days while you put up with his (in your opinion) sub standard food other days.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2018): It's your condescending attitude. What's there to be angry about? He may not be as good as you are in the kitchen; but I think it's adorable he wants to cook for you. Perhaps he tires of your fancy over-prepared meals; and wants something simple now and then.
You have turned something that could be quite romantic into a battle of wills. He doesn't want to be your prepping-assistant; he wants to create the meal. I think your attitude has turned it into a competition for control.
I'm a good cook. My late-partner was an attorney by profession; but went to culinary school. He made fancy rich gourmet meals; but many of our friends have a simpler palate. Fine if he wants to impress a client, or his partners at the firm. I'm health-conscious; so some of his fancy French cuisine had calories through the roof! All the same, I sat down at that table; and swooned with delight. I can't eat like that everyday!
I prepared things I knew would be delicious; but less pretentious. So we compromised in the kitchen. Now I knew when to back-off, because the kitchen was his domain. I couldn't top his skills if I tried. So we performed a ballet around the center island, staying out of each others way; preparing our own specialties. Drinking wine, listening to sweet music, and entertaining a couple of friends as meals were prepared. Try that sometimes, instead of being a bully!
He passed-away from cancer, and those are some of my greatest memories together!
"Love is an ingredient that goes into every meal;" my old dad used to say!
If you just showed some diplomacy, stop being so caustic, and ate it to show your love and support. How is being mean to your mate ever justified? As he prepares it, you can tweak it, to correct any mistakes. Or, just step aside and leave him to his task. Throwing it out was just being spiteful.
I don't see anything very nice about your post. You're talking about your husband. A guy who wants to cook for you. He apparently likes different sorts of foods than what you cook. So let him cook for himself on occasion; and share the meal with him just to make him feel good.
Maybe he's the one being diplomatic, and doesn't find your food as tasty as you think; but allows you to be the boss in the kitchen. Seems you're drunk with power.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2018): Uh this is your home, not a restaurant. And he’s your husband, not your chefs assistant minion. Be respectful of him and of the fact that he’s not interested in cooking as you are.
I’m also the chef of the house and a pretty good one. My wife cooks subpar food now and then when I’m busy. What do I do? I say thank you and eat up. Otherwise I usually enjoy the cooking and she loves my cooking. Quit making a mountain of a molehill.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 February 2018):
 Anger about what? Do you want to be right or do you want to be married to this man?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2018): No you aren't right. You seem harsh. So he's not a restaurant quality chef, I bet you can't do his job to his standard either. Chill out and stop being so big headed about it. He's trying to do something nice. Maybe he Hayes the way you take over in the kitchen.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 February 2018):
 You're being bossy, so he loses interest. He's your husband, not your employee.Let him know YOU don't like his food much. Don't say it's bad, though, as others may like it or not be as picky as you.Also, if you're this fussed about food (not just passionate, but FUSSY), you're with the wrong guy.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (16 February 2018):
 Your obviously passionate about food but you need to go easy on your boyfriend if you want him to see your point of view. He has his own methods which he feels works and you have yours. You guys need to reach a compromise.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 February 2018):
 Sorry, I disagree.
You can CERTAINLY become a decent cook without knowing the nitty gritty of cleaning the kitchen and chopping vegetables.
While a clean kitchen IS essential for overall hygiene, food prep and just COMMON sense. It doesn't make you a better cook to know how to clean the kitchen. I mean seriously...
YOU seem to want to treat him as a "Food preparation workers " and yourself as the "Executive chefs " with all the bells a whistles.
While I DO think you BOTH can work on making the kitchen READY for cooking together, I think your attitude stinks and will more likely make him decide that having FUN cooking in the kitchen with you is not fun at all.
He is (hopefully) a GROWN ass man who can figure out how to cut stuff and clean things.
I honestly think you are being a dick about it.
Why not... if his food is so sub-par YOU be the assistant and help him execute those recipes?
My guess is he WANTS to do something "special" for you and you throw his food out and berate him like he is a child.
TALK about your plans when you want to make something special instead of ruining it for the both of you.
If my husband pulled that kind of crap with me, I'd be pretty miffed.
I have cooked for over 30 years. NOT in a restaurant setting but at home first with my parents (who taught me much), then self taught and now I'm teaching my kids as well. I ALWAYS have a clean kitchen. It doesn't JUST happen BEFORE I cook. It happens before, during and after.
What I would suggest instead? TAKE a cooking class with him! Not one at home where you try and dictate and make it as non-fun as possible.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (16 February 2018):
 I think you're being over the top in your reaction. Saying that he clearly doesn't see it your way. He is happy to help and cook, but only to do it his way. You don't want him to cook you just want to use him as an assistant.
My advice would be to be grateful that he bother a to try and help by cooking you a meal so you won't have to cook for people all day and then come home and cook some more. He obviously likes cooking regardless of how you feel.
Maybe u should tell him u don't enjoy his cooking as much and would prefer to cook and accept that he doesn't help with that, which I think sounds fair enough under the circumstances. Maybe give him one day a week where he can cook what he wants and u eat it instead of wasting perfectly good food?
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