A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I are planning a baby. I’m a bit worried however that I’ve to do all the housework and take care of the baby as well. I have told my husband that we should move to The West Coast to my friend so she can be involved throughout. My husband says he cannot her a job there and that we cannot move just because of my friend. I’m a bit nervous since although my husband is helpful around the house, I think my friendo knows housework a lot better and she would be helpful. I like the house to be spotless for example and my husband is very lax about it. He overcooks food, he can barely mop the house well. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): You do not mention working so I will assume you don't. You would not be the first woman in he world that had to raise a child and clean a house. It has been done for centuries.
With a vaginal birth, you will be quite capable in 3-4 weeks and with a cesarean, not long after.
You say he is already helpful around the house which he will continue to be and probably more so. He might take to fatherhood well and be helpful in that area too.
If you can't come to grips with this, please don't have a child. The way you feel now, will probably lead you to fighting over it later.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 February 2018):
 First of if you are worried then talk to your husband about how you feel, these are things you both need to discuss before actually having a baby. So it is good to talk about it just now if you are planning on having one! Why would you want your friend to be involved with you all as a family? While I agree that is it nice to have help from family and friends it would not be a great idea involving a friend in to your marriage. As parents you would both need to come together to raise a child and help look after the house, no need for a third person as long as you both discuss things and share chores. I think your husband is right, if he has a job at the moment why would he want to move just so you can be closer to a friend. Sorry OP but it doesn't make much sense. If you are so worried about having a baby then maybe it is not the time for you yet. I know when I am ready for children and if god gives me one I will want to look after them myself as a family with my husband. Why would you want to involve your friend? OP you do not just move to be beside your friend so she can help with housework! Housework is you and your husbands responsibility nobody elses. If you need help then hire a nanny! It is nice to have a spotless house, but if you are planning a baby, you need to be more realistic and see that the house can not always be spotless with a baby around. As long as it is clean that is the main thing. Just because your standards are different doesn't mean your husbands are wrong. Honestly babies can be exhausting so the house won't always be spotless but that is ok. A lot of people over cook food again maybe if he is no good at cooking you can sort out chores between you both.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2018): Please do not have a baby.You are too immature .The way you think like my friend will do all the work and my husband would have to quit his good job and have no job just shows you are in no way ready to even think about this really you should think about getting the 5 year iud please do not have a baby which you cannot take care of and load it off on other people.It is not fair to the baby at all.It takes alot to be a mom you are no where near ready.What if your friend does not want to be your free labor?Yup no baby you are not ready at all.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 February 2018):
 For what it's worth, children are often miserable in spotless homes because they naturally come with a bit of clutter and aren't free to play without you freaking out about the mess. Sure, tidy toys away when they're done, but sometimes they should be left out while they have a break and go back to it. If that will bother you, don't have kids.Plenty of people who love spotless houses learn to put their desire for children (and the unavoidable mess) above their need for an immaculate house. That doesn't mean your house needs to be dirty or smelly, just a little cluttered in child-friendly rooms.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 February 2018):
 You must be kidding, right ? Or would you really move to another city or town , where your husband cannot get a job, so that you would live on half income, ( or no income, I guess, if YOU are a homemaker... ) just because of housework ? Just because possibly your friend would help you out with cleaning ??
Let me tell you, that's a friendship that would not last, anyway. Supposing that your friend has the time , the strength , the capability and the will to use consistently her free time to clean your house instead of resting and relaxing, or maybe using that extra time to work and make some extra money.... inevitably she will come to resent you for the assumption that you are somehow entitled to depend upon her so heavily for your housework. One thing is volunteering to help a friend in need occasionally , at special times,... and another knowing that your friend thinks of you as her convenient, unpaid domestic help !
Your husband is right and frankly the idea of picking up sticks and move , giving up your husband's income and turning him into unemployed/unemployable, so that °perhaps° you can have spotless floors, is , well, downright bizarre.
I think you need to put things in perspective. I have nothing against houseproud people, and I love clean, tidy environments - whenever it's possible. But you should not make of housework or spotless floors a fetish : there are times when other things,- like a baby- come to the forefront and you just accept that for a certain period of time your house won't be picture perfect, and... you will survive. Your expectations are quite unrealistic, it's not possible anyway to keep your house totally spotless and immaculate when there's a new baby, unless you have a full 24// domestic staff or unless you want to die of fatigue and burnout. So adjust your expectations way below perfection level, enjoy the well meaning although not first class help that your husband is already living, and reset your priorities in a more sensible way. First things first. The joy of raising a child first , spotless floors waaaay second.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 February 2018):
OP, once the baby arrives, the house will get messier. Your expectations will have to be realistic - which they aren't, right now. Would you really use your friend for housekeeping? Jeez.I get it, you like a clean house, but most mums (just after birth) look after baby and do chores when they can. If your husband DOES pitch in, that should be enough for you - even if it's not to your standard.If he burns food and can't mop, you do those things and he can do other chores. It's really rather simple, so long as it's in practice before baby comes. You will have to get over your expectations, though, or hire a maid. Him having a job to support your family is more important than having a friend help with housework.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 February 2018):
 Make schedule for the chores. TALK about what needs to be done when having a baby in the house. If he works and you don't - make sure you BOTH give each other breaks and "me-time" and that you ALSO take the time to spend some time just the two of you.
If he sucks at mopping and you mob (let's say) once a week - have him do it every other week. If he (like MY husband isn't great at it, you can give him little tips, like change the water, rise the mob X amount of times etc. etc. Either he picks up on it or he doesn't. I think it will be fine.
And he might be better at other things, like washing, and folding clothes, vacuuming, dishes, taking out the trash... whatnot. So find things you EACH like to do and and will do and then make a chore list and schedule.
For you to say WE need to move to where my friend lives so I don't have to do everything on my own... it's... well, unrealistic and odd.
If cleaning is something that you KNOW will be a bit of a problem in the beginning with a new baby HIRE a cleaner to come in and help out.
If being the sole caretaker of the baby is too much for you, again consider hiring a helper. Someone who can come on a few hours a day so you can either sleep/rest or get a little me-time. Personally, though - THAT is part of becoming a mom. Having a baby is a huge responsibility and DOES take a lot of work and effort.
A husband can DEFINITELY help out. Bath time, feeding time (unless you breastfeed in the beginning), wash the baby's clothes, play with the baby, etc.
Again you two can MAKE a schedule for this too.
Having a spotless house is great. But there will be times where it's NOT the priority. It can still be clean and a little cluttered until you BOTH get into a routine.
What you REALLY need to do is sit him down and talk about your fears and move forward from there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2018): You should share the housework childcare and earning a living between you. He should not rely on you to do everything and you should not rely on him to do everything. If you dont think he is going to help out then don't have a baby with him. It is not down to your friend to do these things for you.
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female
reader, MissKin +, writes (16 February 2018):
 So he is helpful around the house but you don't feel his efforts are good enough? Seems a bit unfair on him. At least he is helping even if you don't think it is good enough.
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you to look after the baby and keep the house tidy. Especially if he is going to come home and help out a little. Your expectations are too high and unrealistic. You're getting ready to have a baby the house will naturally become a bit messier and there will be more important things for you to worry about. Get some perspective. You can't move house just so someone will help you with housework.
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