A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so there is this guy I work with (X) and I've always found him attractive but he dated one of the girls I work with (Y) that I'm mates with. I'm not best buds with her but we're pretty close. I've always seen him as off limits as he's her ex.. they dated for 2 months and went on 5 dates in that time - it was never official as such and they never slept together. She ended it with him as she wasn't ready for a relationship/felt guarded. That ended almost a year ago. Last few months he's been hanging out with the guys in our work social group a lot - the whole group is really close. We all went out around a week ago for a drink and I had given him a lift home. He'd been incredibly supportive that night as I'd been upset about a work related issue and before I left we hugged and he tried to kiss me - I pulled away. I text afterwards asking if we could pretend it never happened. Y and X spoke the following day. X text me asking to meet up the following night as he wanted to let me know the score. I'd said that I didn't want to meet up as there was nothing he needs to talk to me about. He said briefly what had happened and we arranged to meet. Before we spoke about the issue at hand we just hung out a bit as mates, we get along really well.. Then I brought up them having a conversation the previous day. Said that I wasn't sure what she'd said but that I assume she wasn't honest about how she feels - that she still does like him etc and that they should give it another go. Turns out she had been honest and he'd turned her down saying that he does just see her as more of a mate now and that has nothing to do with what happened with me. We'd said we could only ever be mates because it wouldn't be fair on her. We'd carried on chatting and he asked if I wanted to do something one night, I suggested a movie at his purely as mates... and it was meant to be purely mates... I'd worn crappy underwear and he'd worn sweats. Basically he kissed me and it went from there.. didn't go past a PG rated movie though. He was a complete sweetheart. An entirely different person from what I was used to seeing at work. He asked what the plan was moving forward (suggested keeping it between us until we were sure it would be something serious then coming clean) when he could see me next, wanted to arrange to meet my mother to get in her good books, told me really personal stuff about his family. He got a text whilst I was there and I was closest to his phone so he asked me to grab it and read it to him. He was just being so open! Since this night I text saying that we should leave it. That I can't justify doing this to her because I'd be devastated if one of my mates did it to me. I never ever want to have to come clean with her about this so I don't see how things between us could ever actually progress beyond being a secret.. He's said he agrees. He's frustrated because he doesn't deem things between them to have ever been serious but he doesn't want to hurt anyone. I cannot stop thinking about him and have an enormous 'what if'... I've had a really crappy past with men and he seems like a genuine sweetheart. I guess I'm just writing this to ask for opinions. Feeling very conflicted with my beliefs and with what I want right now...
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male
reader, liddel  +, writes (20 February 2018):
Run away. Be true to your friend and don't date anyone where you work.
All guys can be nice in the beginning but that doesn't tell you how he might be in a year. He isn't the only good guy in the world. Stop acting like this is your only chance for happiness. It's not and you have most of your life ahead of you.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 February 2018):
Clear violation of the Dude Code.
Never date friends or families ex's.
Never.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2018):
 I have to agree with F.A and N91
NOT a good idea. NOT because he previously "dated" a coworker but because of all the flipping red flags I see in your post.
1. Coworker. THAT in itself is RARELY a good idea. Just don't eat where you crap or date where you work. When things DO NOT work out (and that IS most of the time) things are going to be awkward not just for the 2 or 3 of you but for EVERYONE working with you both.
2. He is trying WAY to hard to rush things. Even if he didn't PUSH for sex he is still trying to meet your mom! I mean if he can't even say he knows you two are good fit and he wants to keep it quiet until you know... why would he need to meet your mom? I think he is saying THAT kind of "flowery crap" to make you think he is OH so serious and sincere... Honey, they are JUST words.. OK?
3. He is a lazy dater and office romeo... I mean look at it. You are (as far as you know) the SECOND woman he is trying to get it on with AT HIS workplace! which means if you two don't work out... in a while YOU will be (like your friend) watching trying to woo another coworker.
4. He doesn't sound like a sweet heart to me at all.
5. He doesn't respect boundaries at all. You BOTH decided being friends was best - and the he proceed to kissing you at the movies.... Way to respect the boundaries HE set himself.
I think over all this is a VERY dumb idea. And I think you will disregard all the advice given telling you, don't do it. And you will (sorry) regret it. (dating him that is).
There is a reason your other coworker and him didn't work out. She probably caught onto the whole "don't date coworkers"....
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 February 2018):
 Well, coming from someone who has been in a long term relationship with a very close friend's ex, I honestly don't see why you should consider this guy "off limits". Your friend dated him a handful of times, then finished with him. End of. He has now decided he doesn't want to go out with her again, despite her change of mind, so that really is the end of that relationship.
I would also question the timing of her alleged change of heart. Has she possibly noticed you two getting friendlier and decided that, although she didn't actually want him previously, she doesn't want someone else to have him either? Just asking.
Mixing work and dating is always fraught with pitfalls so you would need to keep things strictly professional at work, i.e. keep the lovey dovey stuff to outside of work.
If you do decide to date and it does get serious, then I would advise telling your friend (his ex) privately about the relationship before you go public with it. This will give her chance to take the information on board before everyone else knows about it. Don't apologise to her (she doesn't own this guy, just because she went on a few dates with him), but equally try to be sensitive to how she may feel.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 February 2018):
 You clearly already know that there will be A LOT of drama attached to this as you've been so apprehensive about jumping into bed with him.
The main thing here is you work with them both. You could get together with this guy and she may not even care, or she could catch wind of you dating and decide to turn everyone in the workplace against you.
Does that sound worth it? Keep it professional in the workplace and do the job you're paid to. Don't think about dating anyone from there. What happens if you got together and broke up and have to see each other day? All the while being called a snake by the girl you work with? What's the point? Find someone drama free.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2018): You're going to get a some opinions, but I guess your mind is already made up. Your post is too long to be conflicted. You're basically justifying your decision; but if it might help you in any way, here's my take on it. You've already given us all the counter-reasons why you should; in-case we advise you otherwise. Besides you're 22! I'll bet my money that you're only going to listen to the advice that tells you what you want to hear.
It's never a great idea to date guys you work with or too close to your department. Even in the same building is too close. If things go sour, you've got to face each other all week, 8 hours a day. That's awkward. You've brought your personal-lives to work. Potential drama is brewing.
If she realizes something is going on between you two after he has rejected her; then a third-party adds to that drama. She's then pissed at both of you. You can't keep it a secret; because she knows where you hangout. Others will see and tell, just to see a cat-fight.
You've already made-out with him, you can't stop thinking about him, you've always found him attractive, and you don't give too hoots about how she feels about it; and the "what-ifs" put the icing on the cake. It's a done deal!
You're opening a can of worms.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 February 2018):
 That's quite a story, And a bit embarrassing for you to share. So asking for my opinion, Here it is:
- Too Fast
- Too Agressive
- Work conflict
- friend conflict
Pretty good possibility that this guy is either an idiot, or a player. Either way you are in for a heck of a ride. I'd tell you not to do it, but it looks like you are going to anyway.
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