A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After 16 years of marriage I’ve hit a cross roads and I have no idea what to do next, so over the years my husband has been texting and emailing other women, it’s always in secret but strangely it’s never sexual, he meets woman at work or online and strikes up a friendship with them, then becomes obsessed then once he has their interest he will stop contacting them and “ghost” them , last year I realised he text one woman 3000 times in a month and I said enough is enough and I gave him an ultimatum of sorting “us” out or losing me , so we went to couples counselling and it was fantastic for us and the therapist showed him that if your texting someone 3000 times that’s not just friendship that’s being consumed and that woman would probably think it’s eventually leading somewhere.. it was a lightbulb moment for him! Well guess what I’ve caught him at it again on Instagram I’m devastated so once again he’s off for therapy, I feel like leaving but I mid way through a degree and financial it’s not an option to go it alone plus our eldest has a disability and I need helpI should add his first marriage broke down for this same reason and he was banned from walking his eldest daughter down the aisle because she’s got so much hatred for him and how much hurt he caused her mum and how he moved on with me soon after and had a family like nothing happened and her mum was left broken hearted and lost her home, my hb was mortified when she told him a month ago and he was full of remorse at how much he’d hurt people and seemed to relish the fact he was given a second chance with our 3 daughters... then the next day he’s texting again!!! He seems to justify it because it’s not sexual and he never meets up with them ... I just feel so lonely disappointed and like he’s a massive massive a hole!!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2019):
 OP, nobody called you a feckless sap- but yourself.
I wonder what kind of advice were you expecting, specifically ?
I mean, regardless of any adviser's personal competence / life experience , all in all, just plain average common sense should tell us that, when facing something we dislike, we have either to take active steps for changing / eliminating that situation; or else we have to learn to adjust to that situation we would not /could not change. In short : change what you can't tolerate, or tolerate what you cannot change. No other way outs.
So, you cannot change your situation. In fact, many people would say that yes of course you can, only you don't want to ; but let's not quibble. You have your reasons and they may be more compelling to you ,than what it looks to an outside observer.
Fine. Then stay. Accept that therapy and counseling did not work and will NOT work, because your husband has got an addiction of which he does NOT want to get rid. He was and is only going through the motions to shut you up for a while.
Is he cheating on you ? Yes. Emotionally for sure. Sexually, maybe not ( … but he does not need to meet them to have cybersex with them… ).
Can you accept to live with a cheater ?... That's up to you. Some women can. There are much worse destinies, after all ,that not being anymore the love of your partner's life, particularly after many years of marriage. It is what it is, and maybe you can come to terms with " what it is " in your relationship and seek happiness and fulfillment from other aspects of your life.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (27 June 2019):
 OP when you ask for advice on a public forum, you are going to get all kinds of advice because you put yourself out there. You cannot pick and choose as to what people should say to you. You can choose to ignore the advice given of course, that's entirely your choice.
You are offended at what's been told to you here, but then what other rational choices are you left with? You don't want to divorce him, leaving isn't an option, you need his help with finances and with your child. Counselling isn't helping him. He hasn't changed in all these years and won't now because he is addicted to cheating. It's like his comfortable place, his safety blanket... He can't do without it. So what other options do you have? Other than accepting the situation for what it is, having no expectations of fidelity from him and treating him just as a source of money and help for your child, you can do nothing else. Untangle yourself emotionally from him. Know that he will cheat and turn a blind eye because you say you cannot leave. You can't change him but you can change your expectations of him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2019): You read my reply completely the wrong way I’m afraid, I am grateful for the time and effort to reply, and I know better than anyone I have to eventually leave him, but what I was alluding to is it’s not far for people to say it’s maybe my “karma” or “should have known” and I’m scare to leave him the a massive assumption and frankly not correct, I was simply stating my situation is not simply due to my child complex medical needs and sofa surfing so to speak is not an option... frankly unless you and your children are in immediate danger you shouldn’t be ripping kids from there homes and life’s with out a lot of care and thought it’s actually dangerous for a child’s mental health and impacts their emotional growth!! So a blanket response of you should leave isn’t always a sensible or viable option... and remember the advice you give, whilst I appreciate is just advice is very deterministic in its nature I see with many of you , please be mindful your might be dealing with vulnerable people who take every word letter and commit to heart, this is supposed to be a caring safe environment!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 June 2019):
 Wow. Just wow. Not at the original problem but at the op's response.
Op, brush that chip off your shoulder and read the advice again. NOBODY has said you are feckless, a sap or anything else derogatory. Quite the opposite in fact. They have tried to show you that you CAN survive without this man. I suspect what has upset you is that they have pointed out the blindingly obvious - that this man is not going to change and become the husband you want (or deserve). But the surely you must already realize that - or is that just too painful for you to admit? You can take him to as many therapy sessions as you want; nothing will change.
What did you expect when you posted? Someone to wave a magic wand and turn this specimen into the husband you want? Or just some "there there" responses? If you didn't want advice, why did you post? It is just ADVICE. You can take it or leave it. You are (quite obviously, from your second post) not going to act on any of it, which is fine. It is no skin off anyone's nose who has taken the time to try to advise you.
As you have already decided you are not going to leave, then you just have to change your own attitude towards your husband's cheating (because it IS cheating; regardless of whether he is meeting with these women, he is taking energy away from YOUR relationship and that is CHEATING). As you cannot change what HE does, you have to change how YOU react to it.
I would suggest ways to cope with it but don't want to come across as telling you what a feckless sap you are, so I will keep my advice to myself and let you figure out your own way of coping with this situation.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): Actually I had no idea of his past when I first met him, I was spun a story and not allowed to meet friends and family for 6 months in the interest of not upsetting his daughter, leaving when you have a very poorly child isn’t a easy option.... i have to have a specialised adapted home,... I am a full time student and can’t afford at this present time to pay my mortgage alone, I asked for advice and to not be ridiculed for trying to be a good parent and not turning everyone’s worlds upside down with out proper thought in the correct process. Seems like this isn’t very support but more an opportunity to tell me what a feckless sap I am!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 June 2019):
 Why would you get with someone like this when you knew his past and it’s like you’re now surprised that he’s done the same thing.
You absolutely can leave, move in with your parents or a friend if needs be, he has had multiple chances and ends up doing the same thing every time, if counselling isn’t helping then what else will?
I’m not sure how the law works in regards to financial obligations for a child with a disability, but if you have kids under 18 then it is a LEGAL requirement for him to contribute to their upbringing. If you REALLY wanted to leave, you would do so under any circumstance, what you are doing is making excuses, no one is holding a gun to your head, you can leave at any time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): He doesn't have to meet up with them. He's basking in their attention, while leading them on. If they're sending him photos...I will leave it up to your imagination what he's doing with them.
He can sext them over the phone, he doesn't have to lay a finger on any of them. You've found no sexual commentary or evidence of cheating; because he's not stupid enough to leave evidence where you can find it. He's a pro, he has been at this a long time. He just went through the motions with the counseling. It was all a joke to him. He either deletes most of his messages, or they have live-conversations over the phone. If he's contacting people that much, don't delude yourself into believing they're not also meeting in-person. Don't pretend to be that naive.
Finances aren't really the reason you're avoiding a divorce. You're using that as an excuse. You're afraid to go it alone. You're dependent on your husband psychologically and financially.
Under the current circumstances, you're under psychological-duress that is eventually going to affect your concentration, and mentally incapacitate you. Studying and performing your job will become very difficult. He is consistently doing what upsets you; so your mind never gets any rest. The stress from doing your job, attending to your child's special needs, and trying to keep-up your studies is a very heavy strain on one person. God bless you, my dear! May He have mercy on you!
Your husband will have to provide financial-support for his daughters until they are of legal-age; and he will probably offer you no problem in that area. Considering support of his children is compelled under the law; it's not left up to the goodness of his heart. He may also have to pay alimony, if he earns much more than you do.
I know, 16 years is a very long time; and it is frightening to find yourself suddenly a single-mother fending for herself and her children. It's been done before. Don't look at what happened to his first-wife, and don't fear the stigma of failure. You also figure it must be the karma for meeting him soon after leaving his wife; so you're avoiding what you may think is your fate.
You are gambling with your well-being. He is taking advantage of your dependency and fear. Meanwhile, he suffers no consequences; because usually women give-up and decide to look the other-way. His ex didn't have to lose her house, she could have sold it. She opted to struggle with the mortgage payments that she probably couldn't afford. You may have to budget and downsize; but having a clear head and averting depression or an emotional-collapse will prolong your life. You'll recover sooner than you might think. You'd be surprised at what you can do, once you've made up your mind you're going to survive; in spite of the circumstances, and the odds against you.
May God be with you and guide your path.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): he is a massive massive a-hole. he doesn't need therapy because he isn't unwell, and it won't work becuase he doesn't want to change. Get your degree, find a job then dump his ass.
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A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (26 June 2019):
I'd say the first wife had a lucky escape from him. YOU on the other hand need to stop being a coward and ditch him asap. You'll be able to manage finacially and physically with your soon. Staying in the marriage because of finacial reasons and for children only causes more pain and heartbreak. He has shown you that it isn't a problem that he wants to fix hence the multiple visits to therapists which haven't stopped his behaviour. He doesn't want to stop so why continue with this mariage.He is investing emotionally in these women. In my books this is still cheating. Cheating comes in many forms that isn't just sexual. You need to ask yourself if this is something you are willing to put up with for the rest of your life? What example are you also setting for your children? You are showing them that it's ok to accept this kind of behaviour in a relationship.I praise the daughter for not allowing this loser to walk her down the aisle. He has been a rubbish husband and terrible father in in the past and I doubt it would be any different this time round.You deserve better from someone who will be there for you emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. If you don't take a stand on this it will eat into your mental health and cause you so much insecurity and depression.I wish you the best of luck in your decision.
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