A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having trouble dealing with the thought that it seems no matter how good a relationship or marriage or how beautiful a woman or how well she looks after herself it seem that everything I hear about read and see in real life it’s ineveitavke that the man will loss interest and attraction to her. There’s constant talk of men needing variety and women having to be visually ‘pleasing because of men’s ‘visual nature ‘ it seems that no matter how wonderful a relationship the couple forge over the years the man will always eventually find lust for other women making his eyes wander I know many people will say that’s not important so long as he doesn’t leave but how about a woman’s need to be number one and to feel like he she is the number one woman he’s hot for. I’m not saying that we lose attraction to others once we partner of course we don’t , but it really worries me that men seem SO swayed by the visual. I realise this is just the way things are and I can’t change the world or expect anyone to change for me . Is it worth me getting in a relationship if i feel so uncomfortable with this reality Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016  +, writes (30 June 2019):
When you meet the right guy, he will not lose interest in you. When I dated my 1st ex, he lost interest in me about 5/6 months into the relationship. My current partner still dotes on me the same way he did when we 1st met. Don't spend life worrying, get out there and try.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2019): I think you are demoralised and perhaps you have been brought up in the 'skool of hard knocks' and now you perceive that great injustice has been done to you and quite possibly this is true.You have defined it all down to looks and the winner takes it all approach.Although you have been through great heartache and possibly hardship let me assurre you that it is not a question of "good looks'rool" or 'good sex conquers all!'A lot that goes on with infidelity is nothing to do with looks.How many times have you heard the wronged partner exclaim that they could understand it if their 'rival' were pretty but they actually look like the back of a bus?The process of infidelity and relationship breakdown is fascinating indeed, especially from an outsiders point of view but within the relationship it can bring much heartache.Most of this is not felt whilst standing in front of the mirror.It is the knowledge that someone has broken your trust and sidelined you and lied to you that affects people the most.Most people who extricate themselves often feel an enormous sense of relief that a damaging or draining relationship has finally ended.Some of those celebrity wives that move on with dignity whilst handing their man onto a youthful partner know perfectly well that the same faults will be repeated and the shit will inevitably hit the fan when the next breakup occurs.And the media wait in the wings to portay it!Meanwhile they have peacefully and calmly recreated their lives with a more trustworthy partner.But they are not shouting about it because they understand that it is best to keep their private life private.They could go around advertising the size of their past and current partners sex organs but they dont and you never see headlines such as 'Maddona finds man with bigger donger! 'Even if it were true, it is not something anyone needs to know.There is so much more to a relationship than sex and looks.While you are considering if you could allow yourself to love again, let me assure you that many have stood on exactly that same pinnacle in life!And some have gone on to find happiness!But inevitably most people realise at exactly that time that good looks are not an essential, particularly as 'goodlooking' is a highly dubious criteria or judgement.A person may look good one day and the following day may be feeling unwell or not on top form or in a badhair day and a partner would be very fickle to turn their back on their loved one in such circumstances.A goodlooking man can draw many eyes that are not good for the relationship.And yet the definition of good looks is highly subjective.Dont be blinded by show bizness where the makeup is caked on to hide blemishes and highlight assets etc.It is exactly that and most of the 'show' biz comes off when the person gets home.Off comes the wig, the face paint is wiped off with cold cream, the too tight clothes and crippling shoes abandoned.The same person may be hungry enough to go and raid the fridge in an unlady like way.But who cares?The show is over and the real person exists.Thats when they seek the company of loved ones.But, my friend , you are deceived by looks.Good looks is a transient, non lasting thing but love can be eternal.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2019): OP, it troubles me to say what I have to say to you. You have a very skewed sense of reality. I do not know what you have seen, in your life, that has given you such a hopelessness regarding the male gender. What you perceive is not reality though. Yes there are bad men, but there are very many men, who cherish the woman that they are Blessed to have in their life! I myself, a man, have struggled with chronic depression almost my whole life, but talk therapy and medications have made great advances, in treating depressive illnesses. I sense that you also struggle with depression. I feel that until you get a good year of treatment, from a mental health professional, under your belt, that you are not healthy enough to be in a relationship, at this time. By no means, am I saying that you are crazy! You just have an unhealthy outlook on life and men. Also the meds used to treat this are non narcotic and are not habit forming. That being said, you must keep taking your meds. I pray you will seek help OP! Hugs XX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2019): Women are no angels but it seems statistically men overall are less monogamous and in the very least seek more visual stimulation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2019):
 Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecies?
Is that what you fear?
Yes, men are very visual. So, are some women. There isn't a cookie cutter for men... or women.
No one is going to be in a bed of roses for 10-60 years in a marriage or relationship.
There will be ups and downs. It's life.
If you really think that this (your post) is the most likely event of you dating/marrying someone then I can see why you don't, but the notion of nothing ventured, nothing gained comes to mind. Your perception reminds me of people who don't want to learn how to drive because they know that accidents occur. Even if it's not set in stone, yes it CAN happen. Or people who won't go to the beach because once upon a time there was person who drowned. Again, it CAN happen, but thinking you can keep yourself safe from "emotional harm" by living in a negative bubble-wrap idea is doing WHAT exactly for you?
You are in your mid-life. Which means you still have PLENTY to look forward to, to experience, to see and do. But you rather play with the notion that ALL men do XYZ and thus you rather not even deal with them, because it's EASIER than taking the risks that can GIVE you the rewards of a GOOD and healthy relationship.
I've been married for over 20 years. Mostly a decent marriage, we do well together. He suits me, I suit him. It's been up and down and a LOT of hard work but I'd say it's been worth it. Does he find me less attractive now? Probably. I AM less "pretty" than I used to be. So what? He is not an Adonis either. But he SUITS me and I suit him. Does he notice pretty young ladies out there, probably. JUST like I notice a younger handsome fella too. Noticing someone younger or prettier doesn't mean you can't appreciate what you have or who you are.
If you want to live in some "what if" misery, then that is of course YOUR choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): My boyfriend was faithful to his wife while she cheated on him left right and centre and treated him like dirt. I know for certain he won't cheat on me but of course he will find other women attractive i am not the only woman on the planet and i will find other men attractive but it means nothing.
I think it's a shame you are in my age group and you have concluded the way you have that ALL men are like how you describe, good news you are wrong men are just as capable of fidelity and to love their partners based on personality and actually STILL being attracted to their partner after many years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): Wow, you have a very stark and cynical view of life! An even worse perception of men! It's not as bad as you say it is!
Where are all these faultless and blameless women coming from that are so victimized by the male-gender?
Let me get this right. You have no human-faults of your own? Looks don't account for everything with men. Personality does matter! Bad-people tend to leave more of an impression; because they cause trouble, inflict pain, and they reek havoc. Am I to believe all men are handsome in your eyes?
People tend to overlook the works of good people, we're taken for granted, pushed aside; or maybe we're ignored, because we're boring do-gooders.
Rarely does anyone come here to tell us how good they're being treated. Mostly women write us. Do you think that's because most men are happy and have everything we want? Every guy gets exactly the kind of partner that he wants, and she will never do him wrong?
Women don't have it in them to hurt men. Right? Women don't cheat, lie, manipulate, commit crimes, kill, choose the other guy, can't be gay, or find any man who loves them undesirable?
If we go by your theory, almost all relationships will most inevitably fail; because of all the weaknesses and the sinful nature of men. Men are no doubt the scourge of the earth; and the reason women are unhappy, or don't like themselves. Sorry, but not in the creation that my God made!
We of the human-race are accountable for, and judged by, our individual-behavior. Regardless of gender! For every fault you find in a male, you can find one equal or matching in a female. God didn't make one gender better than the offer...just different! If your mind and heart are programmed to see only the worse in people, that's all you will find.
Much depends on your choices and how you discern the character of the men you give your heart to. Your capacity to use discernment and better-judgement; and reject (let go of) someone wrong for you, even when it hurts to do so.
If you've developed such a low opinion and distrust for men; and believe we are subhuman with such unredeemable qualities. Perhaps you have a beef with the Creator of Heaven and Earth.
I think you're projecting your low self-esteem onto men. We have to be the reason you can't believe there is such a thing as fidelity, true-love, and good men. Sorry, if that is what you've chosen to believe. Please don't call it "reality!"
The reality is, that everyone we love may not love us; or love us equally. Some people have more bad-traits than good-ones. Sometimes we pick the wrong person for ourselves; and we may have to let them go, and start-over. That does not reflect on their entire gender! The world is densely populated with people. So we have choices and the benefit of selection. Sometimes we make bad-choices in mates. We may not be as wonderful and perfect as we perceive ourselves to be. Sadly, we often prefer to ignore our own faults; and prefer to make excuses; and blame everything on what's on the outside. Not what's inside of us.
C'est la vie! Such is life!
We keep trying until we get it right. We don't become bitter and cynical; because we hit a few bumps, or kiss a few frogs! We all have faults, flaws, and imperfections. Some are gender-specific! If all you want to see in men are our faults, suit yourself. You're free to have your own opinions. Don't be surprised when your negative-opinions bounce-back at you; or hinder your progress when seeking romance, or male-companionship! You'll treat people as you perceive or prejudge them.
You may have met a few poor excuses for manhood; but I assure you, we are all not walking penises with eyes. We have brains, hearts, and souls; and we also have feelings.
If you pick the right guy for yourself, and you possess the good qualities and character that he seeks in a woman; you will make a compatible match. Things may still go wrong. It could be entirely your fault!
Human-nature is possessed within and by all people. We all have our ways and attitudes. Women have faults, they do things that hurt people who love them, they sometimes ruin their relationships, women hurt each-other; and they may possess some very bad qualities (or habits) that make them unsuccessful when it comes to finding love. If they can't see it in themselves, will only take constructive-criticism personally, or are prone to resist good-advice; then they will likely project blame onto everybody but themselves. They thrive on doubt and skepticism. That's what their personality projects outwardly to everyone around them. Insecurity dominates their very existence, and defines who they are! Blame it on men?
The awful description and perception you have of men is your own opinion. Are all the men you know like what you depicted in your post? I'm glad I don't live in that world. I don't know many men of such low-quality. I guess I'm picky about who I choose to be around; and don't find such characteristics you've described in myself. Not in the excessive, prejudiced, and negative terms you've chosen to see them.
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