A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my husband have been together 8 years now and married for 2. Everybody that knows us have always said we are the best couple they've ever met as we love each other A LOT and would do anything for one another. It really is the perfect relationship but of course, nothing is EVER too good to be true. My husband told me the other day he definitely doesn't want kids and this really broke me. Don't get me wrong, he did tell me he 'might' want children in the future before we got married but I clearly didn't read between the lines proper, I took this as he will as he gets older just needs time. Luckily neither of us are ready to have children at the minute and also he's 29 and I'm 24 so we do have quite a bit of time yet. But of course, when the time does come, I don't know what to do. There's no way I could ever leave him, I've been with him since I was 16 he's all I've ever known. My friend told me my only decision would be to trap him in say 5 years time so he has no choice, but I personally could never do that I'd have to have a child with someone that equally wants it. I definitely want kids so not having them isn't an option. Do you think he'll ever come round? He hasn't been brought up around kids like me so he doesn't like them very much. I've started bringing our nieces and nephews round more but it just seems to make him worse he gets more stressed. What do I do!! Is my friend right is that really my only option :/
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female
reader, femmefemale  +, writes (21 April 2017):
Girl.... You have one life to live. You have to do what serves you right. By not having a child you are putting his happiness first. Is his happiness more important than your happiness?
Personally what I would do (because I want a child more than I want a relationship) is have a baby, I wouldn't have it with him though. Its not an easy decision to make but he will resent you if you trap him and you will resent him if you don't have a baby.
Put your happiness first, whatever that means to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2017): Trapping him is not an option (NO,IT ISN'T!!)Not having kids is not an option,Leaving him is not an option... There is no answer for this - you need to work it out between staying with him and not having kids, or leaving him and MAYBE finding someone else who does. What you've posted is not a question, it's something YOU need to work on because you need to compromise somewhere.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 You need new friends, and you also need to see that this is not an option. Why would you want to trap a man you love, and bring a child in to the world unwanted? Your friends sound horrid!
You both do need to talk about this, him saying he might want children was not good enough before you both got married. Honestly people need to talk about their future and what they want before entering in to a marriage. Back when he said maybe you should have said it was a deal breaker for you, marriage is not something to take so lightly.
Honestly the only option I see that you both have now is to go to a marriage therapist and talk about your issue, because it is a big one that could break a marriage.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 March 2017):
 The option your friend suggests will lead to divorce. The proper option is to face reality. You did not discuss this as you should have before marrying him. Did you ever tell him you absolutely want children, that it is not an option to not have them? No? Then again he was equally mistaken to not be honest about not wanting children. But now you are married. So your choice is to either get divorced, or have no children.
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female
reader, mad stacey +, writes (26 March 2017):
If not having kids isn't a option and you wont trap him (which you should not do)Then you need to move on don't waste time hoping he will change his mind when he has always told you he doesn't want children, you need to be with someone who wants what you want, don't wait forever time goes so fast
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): Awful awful idea. Do NOT bring a child into the world if both parents are not on board with the idea. It WILL affect not only the child's life and life as an adult, but also YOUR relationship. When you giys end up fighting all the time due to this awful idea of trapping him, the child will suffer. Don't do it. Also, to say "i cant leave him because we've been together for 16 years" isnt enough of a jusitification. Thats like me saying "I'll just stick with this engineering major that doesnt make me happy, because hey, i've been in it for 5 years." If children is something you really want, know that it wont be happening with him. And DONT guilt trip him. He has the right to NOT want kids just as much as you DO want kids. Find soemone else if kids are mandatory for u
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): You might find this comes as a surprise but if you want a child you could just go ahead and procreate.Its pointless bringing other peoples kiddies around because there is no comparison.A man has child creating options up until and past 70 yrs but a woman only has fertile years until about 40!After that its risky but some do take the risk.I have known a lot of people who have insisted that they dont want children and then they become totally mind blown with their new arrival!Conversely Ive known people to swear blind that they want kids only to turn very nasty when it happens and try to get the woman to get rid of the child and fulfill a series of contrived provisos before considering procreating again.In one case the woman followed her instincts and cleared off and had the child with a bit of help from some kind friends who housed her and helped out a bit.A few years later the same guy was going crazy trying to get access to the child he hadn't wanted!All you make clear is that you want a child.Would your guy be delighted at the final outcome.Maybe yes, maybe no and maybe you will never know!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 March 2017):
 Option? What option ? If you love him ( and if you are a decent person ) trapping him is definitely not an option. Going behind someone's back and tricking him into making him accept or do something that he clearly does not want to, is definitely not a sign of love.
Some might say that he would deserve it, because he tricked you too, he pulled a bait -and -switch. But personally I disagree.
It's not even a matter of being good at " reading between the lines ", IMO. It was written clear on the line, " I MIGHT change my mind later on ". " Might " is definitely an element of risk. He might, or he might not. Might " only means " it is not totally excluded ", but it's no safe ground to build on , if you really , really care about something ( in your case, having kids ).
I " might " turn vegan some day. Or convert to Islam. It's not 100% impossible- in the past I have made already other major changes in my habits and outlook.
Only, it's very very improbable, and who knows me can see that. So, if a man wants a vegan partner, or a Muslim partner- he should NOT stay with me, in the hope that some day I " might " change my mind.
You married him because you liked him and loved him so much that you accepted the risk of him not being willing or able to give you ALL you want in a relationship ( including kids ). You sort of gambled on the odds that he could change his mind, and unluckily you lost your bet.
I understand how this is sad , frustrating and disappointing for you, but I think that if you really love him as much as you say, and if , bar the kids issue, your relationship is close to perfect, you could / should wrap your head around the fact that " you can't always get what you want " and maybe keeping alive a perfect relationship matters more than becoming a parent.
Or also, the opposite, of course. If you really feel that becoming a parent is your goal in life, without which you can't ever feel happy or fulfilled- then, as painful as this is, you have got to part ways and seek another partner.
It's a painful dilemma , I realize it. But not to the point of justifying your friend's awful advice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): Do not trap him. How dare your friends say such a thing. Look at this way- what if he decides he really doesn't want children? Or what if unexpected children come a long and triggers resentment from him? Imagine being in that relationship and what that would mean to your children.
We're all entitled to change our minds. Maybe he kind of wanted children in the past, now feels he doesn't (seeing other new families definately swings you one way or the other!). He never lied to you, and I'm assuming you never lied to him and was always clear that you want children.
While he knows you really want children, it's down to him. But you can't keep pressuring him, he needs to choose that he wants children with you. But, he might not.
If you haven't had the talk recently, then have the talk again. Make it clear that children are the most important thing in the relationship to you. If he really doesn't want them, then the relationship will have to end, I'm sorry to say. But as you say, you still have time. You can't wait forever though.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): I wonder how your friends would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. What if they were raising kids against their will today because a previous BF secretly poked holes in all his condoms to impregnate them?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 March 2017):
 Does he realize how important this is to you? If not, then he needs to be told in no uncertain terms.
Tricking him into having a child he never wanted would just be the worst possible thing to do and totally unfair on all parties concerned, especially the child whose father may resent its very existence. It could also result in you bringing up the child as a single parent if your husband really could not cope with the situation.
Remember, his wish NOT to have children is just as valid as your wish to have them. You have no right to inflict your wishes on him, just as you have the choice to walk away from this marriage if you are going to have to sacrifice such a major thing for your husband.
You need to ask him WHY he does not want children and actually LISTEN to the reasons. Some people just do not particularly like children. Others don't mind children but don't want any of their own. Was he an only child? Did he have a hard childhood/upbringing?
Also I would advise examining why YOU actually WANT children. It's strange that, if someone says they DON'T want children, then everyone asks why, but nobody questions a person's desire to actually HAVE children. Being someone who has NEVER wanted children, I tend to readily accept when people say they don't want children but question people who say they do want them.
If having children is so important to you, and if he digs his heels in and insists he does not want any, then you have a very important decision to make. The maternal instinct is very strong and your longing for a child/children will not go away because your husband does not want any.
You also need to bear in mind that there is always the slight possibility that you may not even be able to HAVE children. Or you may leave your husband and find someone who is happy to start a family with you, only to find THEY cannot have children.
For the time being I would stop inflicting children on your husband when this just stresses him out. (I can fully understand where he is coming from.)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): Just give him some time. Your husband pulled a bait and switch, knowing from the start that you wanted children. He lied to get what he wanted; and NO, he isn't the great Mr. Wonderful you're building him up to be.
I suggest that this be a sit-down discussion to let him know how serious you are about being a mother. If you cannot come to a reasonable compromise; then stop worshiping the man you thought he was, and see him for the man he is.
You wanted a husband and a family. It is not up to him to tell you one thing, then dictate to you later what he has decided for you. Your love is misplaced, if you feel you have to sacrifice something so important to you; because you would sacrifice everything to make him happy; but he wouldn't do the same for you.
No, tricking him into being a father might not be in the child's best interest. Knowing his/her father never wanted
children. The scary part is he might take-out that resentment on an innocent child. You don't seem like a woman who could bear that. You adore him. Maybe too much!
Give it a year. If he doesn't come around, reassess your options. Come down off cloud-nine. No marriage is perfect, and no man is so great that you'd give-up your happiness and fulfillment as a woman for him.
If he really loved you as much as you've convinced yourself he does; he would give you the moon and the stars if he could. That would include a child, which is more feasible!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): You need new friends.
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