A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a white male, live and have lived in a mainly white suburb all my life, and most of my associations have been with others of my race. We are a pretty liberal family and I have always been raised that everyone is equal, but that being said our comfort level is with other whites. I am what you would call the typical white boy, I love the beach, love to surf, love blonds, and when I was younger I always said Dude!A few months back I started dating an African American girl who comes from a completely different world and background than I grew up in. Our meeting is sort of a long and complex story, but she comes from a part of town that whites from my area would never get caught in. She is extremely beautiful, has dark brown skin, the most beautiful dark eyes, and a loving personality. She is straight forward, and when she wants something or there is something on her mind, she says it. Although she lives in an area where there are a gangs, she comes from a pretty strong family structure.Culturally we are so different. I am into rock, she is into hip hop and rap. I love movies like Heat and she loves Ice Cube movies. I think the only thing we really have in common is we like each other, we like to be with each other and sex. My friends are all fascinated by her, they have never met a girl like her outside of their circles. She has such wit like I have never seen and can make everyone laugh. She also has a little bit of an insecurity, whenever another girl approaches me she will take my hand or put her arms around me and tighten up. I dont know if she thinks that maybe I am more attracted to them or she is just showing them that I am taken.So there are a couple of problems I am facing. The first is when I pick her up or drop her off, both at her apartment and at her family's house. Her family seems to like me and have accepted me, but sometimes I get bad looks from the guys in the neighborhood. They are probably thinking that I am some white guy with jungle fever making a booty call. The second problem is my family. They keep asking me if I am sure that this is the right girl for me. They think that it is the thrill of having "something different" is what keeps me with her. They also keep telling me that she is going to ruin my life.All that my family is saying aside, I am wondering if it is wise to continue this relationship. Not for the fact of her hurting me, but me hurting her. We do come from two totally different worlds. On her side her girlfriends like me, but most of her male acquaintances dont. They dont trust me and they probably shouldn't. All ready she has really fallen for me. When we are apart she wants me to call her everyday. If I miss a day than she gets really upset. I am afraid all of this is going to end really badly for both of us.So my question is, should I continue on with this relationship, even though we come from opposite sides of the fence, or should I end it before someone gets hurt? I would really like to hear the opinions of those that are in multi-racial relationships. I would also like to hear from any African American women who read this post. My heart says not to end it, but my head says otherwise
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie: You are welcome ;-) By the way, Danes are some of the friendliest, most open people I have met. In college I had the privilege of knowing a few. Denmark is a very open society, although I have never been there I have heard a lot about it. America, unfortunately although we have made great strides my country is full of racism and inequality. California where I live is suppose to be very open to all races and ethnicities, but the truth is that the only minorities we are truly open to are Eastern Indians and Asians. I dont want to generalize all of California, but where I live that is the case.
LoveGirl, I totally agree with you, and it is very sad. I will try and do my part and accept and love everybody, as we are all creations of God. I will do my best to love and take care of my girl the best that I can, and I will not do anything to hurt her. I think right now she is feeling really insecure about our relationship, I have to reassure her that she is my girl, and I want to make this work. Thanks everyone for building my confidence! I am glad I posted here, I really thought at first I was wasting my time
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Thank you for your comment :)
I hope the two of you can be happy together, regardless of everything.
And no, I didn't grow up in your neighborhood, I grew up in a small town in Denmark.
Change starts at home. It can spread (good or bad) like ripples in the water. So, maybe work on YOU, and your friends and family will pick it up, then maybe their friends and family will to..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): just to add my thoughts here:
although we all dont want to admit it, racism is rife, ethnic cleansing is rife, genocide, need i say more. people are judged by their looks, the colour of their skin, their financial background - everything. it is sad but it is a reality. some are more tolerant than loves, some love indescriminantly, some judge more than others. whatever we may think , feel and say, we all will be foolish not to be realistic and admit that people will always be judged.
take the famous tiger woods, or any other famous black person who only date white chicks. have you seen the trend, when (generalising) black men make it bg, they feel that black women are not good enough, they want to procreate and have lighter skinned kids. these men, whether self esteem issues or not, only want to be with white women. many many reports have been done regarding this "craze". it is a reality , the black sisters know what i am talking about.
to the OP - if you really care for this woman, and i think you do, then value her, respect her and treat her right. love her. pamper her and make her the special woman in your life. colour is just, colour but when you take into account a persons morals and character, and you can trust them, then all i can say is go for it. look at HER, and if you can love HER, irrespective of her race, go for it. do not demean her, or think less of her. then you will be the fool. there are many many long standing interracial relationships/marriages that have withstood any/all prejudices. your relationship will as well, provided the foundation is correct.
OP, i am glad you have given us the background info, and although people do not want to admit it, there has been horrific racist actions in your country. i am glad you are mindful of them and you know the dynamics of what you will have to face. take it in your stride, embrace it and make this relationship work.i admire you for thinking about this, being realitic and going into this relationship with your eyes wide open. Have fun in your relationship, love her and just be happy. JUST DO NOT HURT HER!!!!!!!!!
-LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie...you didnt grow up in the neighborhood I grew in, sweetheart. I know this is the 2010 and everything, but in my neiborhood if you see an African American walking on your block, everyone assumes he is there for no good purpose. If a cop sees him first, you can be sure somthing bad is going to happen to him. When I was in HS, we had maybe 10 black kids in our whole school, and the N word was used very freely. To make matters worse, we are not rednecks, and I live in fricken S.California! This is completely wrong, but it is a reality I grew up around. I wish I grew up around the people you did. By the way, my parents always taught us to respect everyone.
That being said, you are absolutely right. I totally agree with everything you have written. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2010):
I grew up in a VERY tolerant and VERY white society ( I'm NOT American) and I honestly have such a HARD time when people in this day and age, think that color is what makes people different.
I think the LESS people worry about skin color/ethnicity the faster things like rasism will become a thing of the past. The more we as human being hold onto "them" & "us" - be it black versus white, gay/straight/ Muslim/christian/Hindu the longer we tolerate (quoting you)
"a world I come from, which is harsh and full of prejudice. "
Every single human being can bring something unique to the world, if we let them. Why in the world should we all look alike, think alike, be alike, for a world to work?
You can BOTH be stronger and better people for knowing each other, so I suggest you STOP worrying about what others might think and concentrate on what YOU feel and think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Honypie:
I never said I was liberal, I said my family was so called liberal. The only reason I bring up her skin color is just purpose of this posting. I am a white guy who was always sheltered, never really had any significant or meaningful contact with african americans, and yes I have or had my prejiduces. Yes, my initial contacts with her may have been facination (or what you call "jungle fever"), but that is no longer the case. I have learned a lot about people thru my contact with her. It sounds like you are offended, please forgive me if any of my remarks have been offensive.
To make it clear, I am 32 and she is 25, we are both adults, have our own places, and nobody can tell us what to do, so that is not the case here. The problem (or maybe it is not a problem as many of you have indicated) is that we are so culturally different, I dont know if it comes down to it if she would really like the world I come from, which is harsh and full of prejiduce. I wish I had the words to explain it better. Anyway I am probably over-blowing this.
From all the advice I have gotten, I am basically going to stay the course I am on, and try and build my relationship with her. She has taught me a lot about myself and the society we live in, and as I have been thinking about it I have never had a women care about me as much as she does. On the days we are away from each other we talk at least 2 times a day and when we are together she makes me feel complete
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2010):
I know you are saying you are "liberal" but the fact that you keep bringing up her skin color tells me that THAT is the biggest issue for you.
I DO think you are a guy having JUNGLE FEVER (as you put it) If you truly loved her, her skin color or upbringing would be a LOT less important. Otherwise it wouldn't matter if she was Caucasian, Asian or African American.
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A
male
reader, jimrich +, writes (14 September 2010):
re: I am afraid all of this is going to end really badly for both of us.
... It will 'end' the way you both MAKE it end - it's all up to both of you!
So exactly HOW do you make it 'end' well, or go on well?
Stepping over all the objections you and others have posed, what about LEARNING exactly HOW TO MAKE IT WORK????
A relationship survives and prospers simply because the partners KNOW HOW to make it go that way while the ones that FAIL, go down in flames because of ignorance and a lack of good relationship skills in one or both of the partners.
Wanna learn how to make a fabulous, permanent relationship?
Google: relationship tips and get started learning how - IT'S EASY AND FUN!
good luck with that terrific relationship.....
Jim :)
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 You have found a woman you love and you are considering throwing it all away because of the colour of your skin? Does it matter what anyone else thinks? They are not kissing her, they are not making her happy and they obviously are not making you happy either. When it comes down to it, everyone is human, they all feel sadness and hurt and anger which is what you will inflict on her should you end your relationship based on race.
Is your head truly telling you to break up with her out of fear of pain? I would suggest you rid yourself of all doubt by ignoring everyone else's opinions on your relationship because there are only two opinions you need care about and that it yours and hers.
'Race' is a synthetic term. We are different colours because we adapt to the land we live in and for no other reason. Cut us open and we are all the same crimson colour. Do not let race affect your choices.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 You should always follow your heart. It's liberating not to allow yourself to live in a box. By loving someone of a different race you open yourself up for a much richer life and not just become another predictable person who's afraid of someone who's different. I think she's good for you. In time your family will see this too. Afterall if it works out permanently you won't always be going into her neighborhood getting the evil eye from her neighbors.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (14 September 2010):
 You know some of the prettiest women I know are black. Really? There's still problems with interracial relationships? Well darling it's 2010 and we're trying to legalize gay marriage in more states, you'd think people would accept color by now. I'm for them, what white woman doesn't find Will Smith sexy? That shower scene in I, Robot? Mmm mm. Your family may live in white suburbia and she may come from the projects, but there are definitely other parts of the U.S. and other people that will accept your relationship. Together you must accept it first, then keep the negativity at bay then eventually everyone will follow. Lead by example..
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone, and thank you for your responses! First of all, yes, I care about her, I would not have started dating her if I didnt. I am really happy when I am with her. She has opened my eyes to a world I have always ignored, and from people different from me. She has completely changed my preception of African Americans.
Odds: yes, my family lives in White suberbia, and that is their world. Except for Asians and Indians, there are not very many people of color around us. The reason why I mentioned that they have a reason for not trusting me is because of the inequality I have been able to witness. When whites come in their nehiborhoods it is usually the police coming down on them or someone taking away their children. The HS she graduated from (Crenshaw HS) is not fit to be even called a school, and frankly none of the HS in the area she lives in are fit to be even called schools. The HS I went to was well funded, beautiful, and we received the attention of all the best Universities. That is why I dont blame them for not trusting a white guy in their neihborhood with one of their women.
Anyway, your answers have really helped me. I think if I put effort in this I can make this work. I was just more concerned for her getting hurt then me, not that I wont be hurt. It took a lot of trust and sacrafice on her part to say yes when I asked her out. It would have been easy for her to say no, a girl like her can get pretty much any guy she wants
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (14 September 2010):
 I am involved in a very complicated relationship with a Japanese man, this has been going on for almost 9 years. I am a white blonde haired, blue eyed blonde. The 2 of us get along extremely well and we really love each other. My family has NEVER accepted my guy, they have been very rude in their comments. My mother even said "It's just a passing thing, its because he's different..you'll get tired of him..thank God." How wrong she was/is. My family never even tried to get to know him, just made alot of assumptions based on stereotypes. He's a very educated intelligent caring man, and makes me very happy, we click on every level. I'm in my late 40's, so is he. His family is in Japan, and they are very traditional, they believe he should marry a nice Japanese woman. Both of us have been married and divorced (each being married to his/her own race). At first, I was very very hurt by my family and friend's comments, as was he. But you know what? In the end, it doesn't matter what others think..its what the two of you think. Its what you two want. If you love each other, you can make it work, I promise you. I'm not saying it will be easy, but its not impossible. You're going to get out of it, what you put into it. If you can't handle the problems and its just too much..then yes, end things now before either of you get in any deeper. Save both of you heartache. If your love is truly strong and worth fighting for..then fight for it. Only you can decide. I wish you all the best..I hope it has a happy ending.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 September 2010):
 "They dont trust me and they probably shouldn't."
Tell me, would this be acceptable if you were black, she was white, and all her white guy friends displayed this sort of attitude?
Additionally, your family sound like the typical "tolerant at a distance" types. As in, other races and cultures are wonderful... so long as they stay over there. Willing to bet they live in an all-white (or nearly all-white) neighborhood.
You are allowing unaacceptably racist pressure to make you question a relationship that makes both of you happy. If her family likes you, and your family likes her (whatever their hangups), you can smile politely at everyone and be happy with what sounds like a great woman.
You say you might hurt her, but it sounds like you're crazy about her and don't intend to just dump her after you're done with her. So, the only way you could hurt her is if *other* people express disapproval of you. Screw 'em - treat your girlfriend like an adult. She is fully capable of deciding whether or not dating you is worth some grief from the small-minded people in her life.
Enjoy your relationship, and don't throw away something special just because you want to avoid a little conflict.
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A
female
reader, Denizli  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 I don't think you should end this. I know it's complicated, especially you being white and she being afroamerican, I kinda have the same problem, but here the thing is I'm latin and my boyfriend is white. Reading your question was like reading my own thoughts.
His family doesn't know me well but I know that they wouldn't like me much cause itd be like a different thing for all of them id be like the first non-white in the family so itd be hard for them to accept me but I'm not giving up, on the other hand, my parents yet don't know about him just my brother does but he doesn't really mind I'm dating a white guy, although I know my parents wouldn't really oppose to this relationship they would just tell me to make sure him to treat me well. He doesn't really mind the fact we are 'different' because the feelings we have for each other are the same. We were educated in totally opposite ways but we still get along. I see him everyday. We've been together for almost 1 year. He says he would really love to marry me someday so we're not giving up anytime. It's our life not our parents'
I personally think the races thing is something stupid, more like a prejudice but yeah unfortunately it is still important to some people.
His family doesnt hate me neither think i'll ruin his life, it's just something new for them.
I think you should fight for her if you really love her, I can personally tell it's all worth it!
Good luck, my best wishes ?
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female
reader, Denizli +, writes (14 September 2010):
I don't think you should end this. I know it's complicated, especially you being white and she being afroamerican, I kinda have the same problem, but here the thing is I'm latin and my boyfriend is white. Reading your question was like reading my own thoughts.
His family doesn't know me well but I know that they wouldn't like me much cause itd be like a different thing for all of them id be like the first non-white in the family so itd be hard for them to accept me but I'm not giving up, on the other hand, my parents yet don't know about him just my brother does but he doesn't really mind I'm dating a white guy, although I know my parents wouldn't really oppose to this relationship they would just tell me to make sure him to treat me well. He doesn't really mind the fact we are 'different' because the feelings we have for each other are the same. We were educated in totally opposite ways but we still get along. I see him everyday. We've been together for almost 1 year. He says he would really love to marry me someday so we're not giving up anytime. It's our life not our parents'
I personally think the races thing is something stupid, more like a prejudice but yeah unfortunately it is still important to some people.
His family doesnt hate me neither think i'll ruin his life, it's just something new for them.
I think you should fight for her if you really love her, I can personally tell it's all worth it!
Good luck, my best wishes ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): If you keep thinking you'll hurt her, you will. My first bf was white and we struggled a lot. Once a random black man came up to us and asked me what I was doing with a white man? Didn't I know I was a booty call to him? My bf stood up, wanting to hit him...and a fight nearly broke out. My bf was as white as it gets, dark red hair, gorgeous hazel eyes and it took time for both our families to fully accept us. We were in bliss and this was without sex too :p (he was religious and didn't want to rush me). We broke when he had to move away but we had 3 amazing yrs 2gether. In the end, you'll decide whats best. But, hardships strengthen relationships in my opinion. If youre not falling for her as she is for you, dont lead her on. If you honestly cant handle an I.R, well, thats fine. Its not for everyone in the long run. But if you feel for this woman, why not take the chance? Again I'm dating interracial and my guy laughs off his familys views and jokes that a lovely "blatino" baby will turn quiet them down lol
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 The old saying opposites attract is very true. The reason you guys get on so well is because you are opposites. At the end of the day if you really love this girl and want to be with her then that is all that matters. Don't worry about the possibility of being hurt in the future. If we all worried about that there would be no relationships at all. Just go with the flow and take each day as it comes.
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