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male
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anonymous
writes: I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now, and everything has been great. She's warm, funny, loving, great in bed, and on and on. I love her. Hell yeah I do! And we are about to move in together. Sounds great, right? It is, BUT..I've been hung up on something for the past couple of days.. It's something stupid, pointless, and I feel like a heel for even thinking twice about it.. But here goes:She has a thing for black guys.. Or she did. I know, big deal, right? If it bothers me, I must be a bigot, a racist, etc. I don't feel like one, but this bothers me still.I'm a chubby white dork btw, who is prone to dwelling on little things - I told her at the beginning of the relationship that I didn't want to know how many people she's slept with, what kinda of sex she's had with her past boyfriends, etc. because in past relationships, when I was told things like that, I would not be able to get the images out of my head and would be bothered terribly by them. Sure, this is immature of me, but you know, I haven't found a way to CONTROL how and what I think about and what I allow to bother me.. Even knowing that I'm obsessing over something pointless won't stop me from obsessing about it, though I sure wish it did.Anyway, she agreed back then to my request, and like say, things have been great. She had been married and it was a bit of a surprise when I met the guy at a party and he was a huge Ving Rhames-looking fellow. She hadn't told me he was black, and I guess why would she? But the guy was real nice, not ghetto and I got along with him. I didn't have much trouble accepting this part of her life.. The guy did cheat on her and abandon her eventually, and she was done with him and into me. No problem!So fast-forward many months later (to a couple days ago, actually).. I was checking out a DJ's website that she recommended to me, and saw that the DJ had posted a letter she wrote him back in 2003.. The letter was singing the praises of one of his mixed cds and he posted it as sort of a review of the disc. In the letter, she talked about how his mix made her remember her youth, laying in her bad with her radio pushed to her ear so her mom couldn't hear her listening to a late-night radio program. Then, she wrote this:"The seeds of my affinity for 'men of color' were planted, unstoppable..."And I just felt my stomach drop. Who wants to read that crap? It isn't her fault that I saw that, as I don't think she knew it was on the site. I know that it has nothing to do with us now, that I can't do a damn thing about her preferences, that her past isn't really my business anyway, etc. But still, it really bugged me to read. I sent her the letter with the tag "Sounds like someone I know." at the end, and she said that it was her. I dropped it but it still bugged me. The next day she called and said she re-read the letter and that she felt she sounded stupid in it. She then addressed that line in the letter, saying that she meant she felt kinship toward "men of color" etc, that's what she meant. I wasn't trying to get this out of her, she just said all that.. Probably knowing that it would bug me to read that stuff and trying to diffuse possible hurt feelings. I played it off like it was okay, but when then I read her message again, and I gotta cry BS. The way that line reads, with what is said before and after, is obvious.. She basically is telling the DJ that she was getting into funk music back in the day and the beginning of her attraction to "men of color" was forming. Great.. So what, right? We're in the 21st century, mixed couples are completely fine. I believe that, and while it's hard to remain completely devoid of prejudices at times (I work in slummy areas in Detroit every day), and generally think that everyone is equal, no one is better than anyone else, etc.The fact that this bugs me at all is due to a less tolerant upbringing that while I reject, still has roots apparently. That and good old fashioned insecurity, the idea of black men being dangerous, cool, and having incredible sexual equipment and technique. I know, it's not always the case. This all seems to ridiculous and silly.Here's the thing I think that really bugs me about the line in that letter: I'm not black, and she wrote that she has a preference for black dudes. I have run this by several pretty open-minded friends and not only did they say that reading something like that from their girlfriends would bug them too, but if they told or somehow let their girlfriends know that they had a preference for some specific ethnic group, their girlfriends would definitely take it poorly. I mean, what if I let my girl (who if you haven't guessed yet, is white) know that I can't get enough of Asian girls, or that I have a very strong preference for Indian women? I think she would feel pretty hurt by that.I know that she has arrived here with me and I'm who she wants to be with. She is a great person and again, I love her very much.. Hell, she's the type I could see marrying one day. So I need to be able to get over this in such a way that it won't bother me anymore! It's part of who she is, and I need to accept that.
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male
reader, ManGuittet  +, writes (5 July 2010):
Dear original writer,
I start googling through the web as I am in the exactly same situation as you are. Probably some details change but in a nut shell my gf has mentioned me to like black guys and having one time thing with one. I am no racist, pls dont treat me as such (I am actually latin!), but for some reason I can get this out of my head. As irrational as it sounds it is there bugging me 24/7 and of course it is an insecurity for some reason that i dont get
I have rationalise it as an insecurity and that I am taking this to trying to push her away... I have even started counselling on this.
I have read all the answers that really tried to help you but I am as well on this one as you were. I am curious to know if you managed to crack it down and left the insecurity away? You can email me to my gmail account if you want to make it more personal. (my gmail account is rafzc1977). I am just trying to coupe with this for the time being. I dont want to loose her and I have not told her anything as I know it is my own issues that I need to put at rest.
Manuel
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009):
This girl obviously loves you why are you not talking to HER. Instead to us and your friends? Communication is key to love talk to her now! Hiding things and resenting just caused my bf and I to breakup so I would know.
Also you need to look at yourself they are right this may have less to do with her and more to do with insecurity of things that hurt you in the past and you are afraid now, picking something to push her away about before she dumps you. All in your mind. Do you believe you are worthy of love?
I'm so heartbroken I would now give anything for what you have. Do not ruin it I mean I'm sure you have had gfs and talked about them right? Unless they were clones of her there are differences there too.
good luck
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (26 May 2009):
 I always worried that my chances with a Mexican guy were slim but then my friend set a precedent and it gave me hope.
My point is, though, that people are attracted to those with whom they have things in common. You and your current girlfriend probably have a lot in common, and that transcends race. Love is unpredictable, but when all's said and done... she picked YOU!
:)
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (25 May 2009):
I'm a white, North American girl who has a history of being attracted to latinos, but don't discredit my answer on that basis!
I think that many women are attracted to men outside their ethnic group, but there isn't one universal reason. It depends on the woman. This sounds cheesy, I know, but I just love latin culture and I identify with it.
Nothing wrong with dating black guys... However, I think that people are attracted to others with whom they have things in common. I think my attraction to latinos stems from the fact that I identify with the culture. It could be that your girlfriend has had much in common with the black guys she dated, but perhaps you and she have something in common that TRANSCENDS race. Understanding is one of the most important things in relationships.
I do NOT believe that everyone is inherently racist; I think it's a learned behavior. However, I believe that all humans are inherently insecure. I think that love is such a fundamental need, that everyone's most powerful fear is not getting enough love. I think that your girl's ethnic preference is making you feel insecure, and it's your underlying insecurity.
I have a friend who is blond, green eyed, and was always super attracted to black guys, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, she's married to a Mexican guy now, happily, I think, and they have two kids. :)
This sounds trite, but when all's said and done... she picked you! If you spend your life dwelling on your insecurities, and worry all the time, you miss out.
Daniel is right, you can't live your life until you put your past behind you.
I can't stand people who compare their partners to their celebrity crush.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): hey, it doesn't matter what she liked before, but noe she is with you. so just enjoy your life with her. if you love her as much as you say, then move forward. she is with you by choice.
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male
reader, Harry Castle  +, writes (23 May 2009):
 I was reading all these answers and hearing everybody having a big issue with the race question, wondering if I dare speak against it in today's climate of paranoia and PC-ness: then I read Silvershocker's comment....."Its ok to be xenophobic its human nature, its part of what kept as alive and well through out evolution."
How welcome that was, Silver,
I have long felt that everyone, inherently, is racist; necessary in order to protect your own against invaders that might threaten your group. True, we no longer live in little tribal groups, but the primeval coding still exists.
I don't want to do this thought to death, but what if your particular grouping were assailed by another group? What would you do?
Close ranks and defend, of course.
Finally, to address your problem.
It's dead simple - you don't have one! She has been there, done that and it's out of her system, and with YOU now: hopefully for keeps.
Harry.
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male
reader, silvershocker123 +, writes (23 May 2009):
By making that rephrasing with "I" rather than starting with "and" thus suggesting that you are not implying anything with the demographic of detroit but rather starting a new idea with the phrase....you know what all of this means you are just too self conscious and i think that you gotta just stop being so critical with yourself. Its ok to be xenophobic its human nature, its part of what kept as alive and well through out evolution. And stop worrying about her past everyone goes through a fetish i am sure you had your moments of foot, asian, smoking, BDSM or whatever and just think of her going through the same thing and just forget about it all dude.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): Well I have just broken up with a guy who would constantly say how girls who looked the exact opposite of me were so pretty, how hot they were etc. They were thin, I'm not, they had dark hair, I did not. etc etc.
This is a hard one. It's possible to have a preference for one thing while still liking something else. I mean, what about all the things she likes other than physical, that she has evidently found in you? She's with you isn't she?
And at the root of all your stress, I wonder if it's some sort of primal thing about the "size" of black men, or "once you go black...", or that black men just seem to have such a physical presence etc. That you know she has been with them. That you are comparing yourself and are worried she is too...
Well, here's your chance to "plant the seeds" yourself. Be the guy she will fondly remember, for your won reasons. Be the best to her you can be, be the best you know how to, and maybe use this niggle about black men as an opportunity to boost your own self esteem issues. I guess you are not happy being a "chubby white dork"... then why not muscle up, start emulating some of the characteristics that you see in black men that intimidate you? If you feel bad about your performance in bed, up your game. The size issue, as most women will tell you, doesn't matter as much as you think it does.
You know worrying about this stuff is silly, and that these stereotypes are not always true. Be confident in what you have to offer this girl, and trust that if she is with you, it's because you're awesome and she loves you :)
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female
reader, Dazed~Confused  +, writes (23 May 2009):
 I think that you answered the question best yourself...as you said "I know she has arrived here with me and I'm who she wants to be with". If you are secure in her knowledge of her love for you, you are way ahead of the game where many relationships are concerned.
I may be wrong in my assessment here, but in all that you have said, it doesn't seem that she is constantly throwing her attraction for black men in your face. It's not something she is bringing up and commenting on. The one who is having the issue is you....
As you said, so what if she is attracted to black men. Ppl can't help what they find attractive. However, she obviously finds something more attractive in you than just skin colour. I'm sure that if she were to make a list of what is important to her about men, his skin colour would rate last....it would be his character, personality, how he treats her, that would come first.
Some men like women with big boobs, big butts, long hair....but the loves of their lives may not have those specific attributes. Ppl have fantasies, things that they may find attractive about someone else, but rarely is that the sum total of what they look for in a partner.
Your girl was married to a black man, and despite her preference for this, it didn't make her stick around. Why, because his skin colour wasn't as important as how he treated her and respected her.
Is your girlfriend everything that you epitomized physically and personality wise in your perfect woman? Does she have the right eye colour, hair colour, is she the right height...if she is the embodiment of your dream girl, that you are one lucky man. Just remember everyone has a "type", but most ppl go deeper than that.
She has done that, gone deeper, and chosen to be with you. Don't let something so silly get in the way of what sounds like a good and loving relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): I think the problem you have dose not have so much to due with race( race is not the issue) The issue is that she has a prefrence for another race other than yourself and that makes you jelous wich is normal. I think anyone would be jelous of this. It's like saying I think this race is the most attractive and no one else is, or at least it seems this way to you. I myself have a prefrence for Hispanic men because our culture's are actually quite similar I'm Irish Catholic and live in the Mid west it's hard to find " White men of my Race and faith unless you live in NY or Boston lol ! Hispanic men and I just seem to have the same value's on issues like Faith and how a family should be run. I have dated other men White, Asian exc. I even had a problem with a guy I dated he was Asian and extremly jelous that my ex was Mexican he saw an old pic of us and it started from thier. What he didn't know was that I was really into him untill he got all jelous! I ended up dumping him over it because every time a Hispanic person walked in the room he got all wierd like I was looking at them when I wasn't. Anyway if you can't get over the fact your girl has a prefrnce for black guys then maybe you should rethink your relationship? If she is so into Black guys why is she with you? Could it be she's really into you as well and you can't see it right now ! Maybe you should tell her how you feel cause if you can't get over this you are going to annoy each other. Good luck hope evrything works out for the better :)
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 May 2009):
 Disclaimer: I'm brown, which means my mum is white and my father is not. So I may not be the person you'd prefer to give an opinion on this, but, just like Hugo Chávez in front of a microphone, I can't be stopped. I just hope I'll be different and won't speak bullshit.
Many white women have a preference for dark men, and some of them have a strong preference for blacks (who are darker than I am). Why that is so, I think we should not bother to know. It just IS that way. What happens here is that, since you don't have the physical features she said she prefers, you feel that one of these days, one well-endowed black will come, she'll be swept off her feet, and you'll end up alone.
I think we all run the risk that our partners will eventually leave us. We can't live if we are always thinking about that, much as people can't live in a forest if they keep thinking that a snake will bite them (though the risk is real). Live your life and put her past behind. Maybe that is what she did already, and you're the only one to worry. Which would be sad, because you could lose her over something that does not mean anything for her anymore.
I think most of us end up married or in a couple with someone who is not the exact measure of our dreams, physically or otherwise. But we're happy anyways. Do that.
I remember that one time a person I was involved with said she was crazy about Jean-Claude van Damme. I don't look like him, not even remotely. She kept saying that, and I told her to go find him and stop bothering me. That was it. I still don't look like that guy, you know?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS. How does one edit their questions? These lines:
"I believe that, and while it's hard to remain completely devoid of prejudices at times (I work in slummy areas in Detroit every day), and generally think that everyone is equal, no one is better than anyone else, etc."
Should read:
"I believe that, and while it's hard to remain completely devoid of prejudices at times (I work in slummy areas in Detroit every day), I (NOT AND!) generally think that everyone is equal, no one is better than anyone else, etc."
Man, that really would have made me look like a racist!
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male
reader, silvershocker123 +, writes (23 May 2009):
First of all you are not a racist...not at all. Its a basic feelign of insecurity and a reasonable, rationalble insecurity that you don't need to be ashamed of. I am a minority myself living in the u.s and i often see whites going head over heels to make sure that they don't come off as being racist. I think the worst word to call a white person in this country is a "racist" and trust me you are not.
Now onto your girlfriend, its a simple fetish brought forth by popular culture. You see blacks are made to seem like this sex demi gods and whites are made to look like uncool nerds who can't dance. Now you seem like a rational guy think about it. Your girlfriend just went through a phase where she was singing with the choir and now that she is over her little phase and she is ready for the duet she chose you to be with her....just don't let her go solo. Couldn't resist the puns....lol
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