A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend won't stop seeing this male friend of her no matter what I tell her.I meet my girlfriend two years and six months ago and we have been officially together for two years and three months. She had a couple of male friend and I was ok with that. Until four months ago I found out one of them had been her friend with benefits before we meet. At the same time I connected this friend of her with some things my girlfriend told me about her past sex life (things I would like to forget). For example, she had sex with him three of four times a week (we have sex once or twice a month), usually he made her orgasm during penetration (not happened with any other guy).As soon as I found out about this I got depressed and felt very inadequate. My self esteem is gone. I started having thoughts about my girlfriend and him laughing about how bad I am in bed. I tried to break up with her, but she refused and begged me. She told me everything for making me feel good. And I know she loves me. But she won't stop seeing him because she says he's her friend (nothing else). But I can't stand it, it's driving me crazy. Since the day I found out, I am not able to have sex with her.
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depressed, friend with benefits, her past, orgasm, self esteem, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2019): Obviously years has past since this post, but if someone in the present or future stumbles across this post, and your in this same situation, realize a person that is keeping a FWB around for any reason, and they label that person as a friend, is throwing pulling you into a dysfunctional relationship. Especially if you can't handle it and it bothers you, then you know.
Just say to yourself, I'm getting the hell out of this, and look for someone that doesn't have these issues.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 January 2012):
 No, I don't think you should do something else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, again.
The day after my last update I broke with her. I didn't expect her to be so sad. I thought she wasn't that into me, since she refused to stop seeing him. But she cried a lot when I told her I didn't want to go on.
Yesterday she called. She wanted to know how I was. I told her I was sad too, but I couldn't keep living like that anymore. And she told me she was sorry for not understanding it sooner. She's not seeing her friend anymore, even if we don't get back together. She says she realized what I mean for her.
Obviously she wants to get back. But she is not pushing. I'm feeling better, but I need some time. Do you think I should do something else?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): I will say with confidence that anyone who points to it being your problem and not hers, by way of questioning your insecurity, lack of trust, or whatever, would not say the same if they was going through what you are going through. He is not an ex, they were FWB. It puts a different argument. Has anyone heard the term EX FWB? I havent. Those relationships are indefinite and can even have 3 year gaps. She is making a joke out of you MAKE NO MISTAKE!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): I think something is being missed here. I think the problem here is a bigger moral difference between you and your GF. Is this guy a relationship "ex" or just a "male friend?" The problem is that you see it as the former and she sees it as the latter. This is really happening because of the moral difference between you and her, the one that you put aside as "in the past". Her previous sexual acts are in the past. But the moral difference from you that made her do them is not in the past. You don't go for FWB relationships and she does. She does not hear you telling her to stay way from an ex-BF. She hears you telling her to stay way from a male friend. What you want (her not spending time with her ex) would be considered normal and healthy in most circumstances, but her moral boundaries blur the line about what is an ex and what isn't.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (15 January 2012):
 If she really loves you she'd see how much this means to you and how it's affecting your relationship and friend or not, she'd send the guy packing. Are you absolutely sure she's not still having benefits with this friend when you are at work or something? Because if so, I can see why she's holding onto this so-called friendship so tightly. You provide her with the comfort of a home and the stability she may want, but he gives her the kind of sex she craves. Between the two of you, you make the perfect man. You have only one choice if you want to get to the bottom of this relationship. Tell her it's either him or you. She needs to chose but she cannot have both. Just be prepared for the worst. If she refuses to let him go, you can bet she's having sex with him. Then pack your bags and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): She wants to keep him as a friend. But this hurts you. Since there's no middle ground here - either she keeps him as a friend or she stops being friends with him, there's no way to do a compromise - one of you will "win" and the other will "lose."
if she's not putting a priority on your feelings, then to get her to drop him for your sake will only lead to resentment in her. in the short term you may get what you want - which is that you get to tell yourself she's no longer in contact with him and thereby feel relief - but there will now be a new problem created which is her resentment of you. Resentment is a very insiduous destroyer of relationships because it creeps in so slowly and gradually almost unnoticed and then grows and festers.
it's easier to change your feelings than to change another person's feelings. so if you want to keep your relationship, your best bet is to work on your feelings of insecurity and jealousy and self esteem so that you can better deal with this and not be a nervous wreck. I'm not saying it's easy. Just that this has a better chance of success than trying to change your gf's desire to stay in contact with this guy. And if you really really can't change the way you feel, well then know that getting her to change the way she feels about this issue wont' work either.
but then again, you don't have to put up with this and force yourself to try to accept something you can't. But that still doesn't change the fact that if you couldn't change your own feelings and your own way of thinking, then trying to change hers will be even more futile. In which case the only solution is to end this relationship.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (14 January 2012):
You can't tell her who she will befriend. You can't tell her whether she will befriend someone with benefits. But you can decide that staying in touch with a friend with benefits and hiding it from you is unacceptable, and walk away. And then she can't tell you you can't do that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you every body for replying. I would like to make clear that I don't have a problem with her males friend, except this one. Who I can't see as her friend because they used to have sex. I don't like FWB relationship at all. But if she has had it in the past I don't care about that. The problem here is she keeps in touch with him. And she hid it from me at first.
She already told me that I can't decide who she can be friends with. And I know she is right from her point of view. But I can't help it. I have lost weight and I have barely slept last night. My mind is full of thoughts about this. I will talk to her today.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): She see`s you as stupid. Her and this other guy are showing you ultimate disrespect. That is not what a real girlfriend would dream of doing. Get out of this relationship, she is only with you because the other guy wont give her a committed relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): she was a fwb with this guy. it would not be such a shock to find out that she still is. i think if he would have given her a relationship, you wouldnt even be in the picture now. dump her dishonest ass out of the door. people who tell you this has nothing to do with you, or call you insecure would say the exact opposite if it was happening to them.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (14 January 2012):
He and her were (or still are) FWB. They were not together in a relationship so have never broken up. She did not choose you over him. It is likely he refused to give her a full on relationship. I do not think for a moment she would want to tolerate this behaviour if you did the same. I usually like what aunt honesty writes, but on this one I dont agree. I think in the long term, she is not going to make you (or anyone) happy. She does not have any thought about your feelings. As long as she is happy, to her, that is all that matters. I really think she see`s you and him as one unit. I would tell her goodbye.
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (14 January 2012):
 I don't understand wanting to be friends with someone you have sexual history with either. My fiancee had a girl he was friends with who he had a sexual relationship with in the past. It made me extremely uncomfortable and did get to the point extremely early in the relationship that I couldn't handle it and it was essentially her or me. No hurt feelings, but it's something I can't and won't deal with so if this weird friendship continues then I'll meet someone else. Perfectly reasonable to me and everyone else I talked to about it. Why date someone I feel uncomfortable every time he answers his phone to talk to this chick? And fake like I am okay with it? Yeah... not going to happen. He decided I was worth it rather than the friendship and she was history. Don't listen to comments like the first aunt here please. It is about you and what you feel comfortable with. Don't deal with something you don't feel is right just because someone says you should/have to in a relationship. If it works for someone else fine, but you shouldn't have to deal with anything that makes you insecure and unhappy, who cares what someone deems normal (having an ex as a friend). You can find a girl who doesn't do that to you or who has the same point of view you do. I don't care whether it is right or wrong but she should make a choice, him or you. I know how awful it feels to be uncomfortable and insecure and it isn't worth it. She can keep her weird friendship and find a confident(stupid) man who will put up with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): well if it was so great between them why did they break up? if she wanted to be with him she would have broken up with you and got back with him. but she didn't and there's nothing wrong with them being friends. It's your insecurity you need to deal with, you need to not let this get to you because it has nothing to do with you, you're creating all of this for yourself. She shouldn't have to give up her friendship just because you feel insecure about something that has nothing to do with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): Dude, don't put up with this. Lots of women will say it's fine but it's not. The way she handled this is a violation of your rights as her partner.This isn't about her right to have male friends. This isn't about her right to have past sexual secrets. This isn't about her right to stay friends with exes. I agree that she has all of those rights in theory. But she does not have the right to keep sexual secrets from you about her CURRENT male "friends". She presented this guy to you as a purely platonic friend and that was a lie. I don't care what she says about "oh, it's long over with him, we're not like that anymore!" The bottom line is that they have had sex before. That fact permanently puts the guy into a different category from her 100% platonic friends. You deserved to know the whole story so you could make up your own mind about whether or not you were okay with their current relationship. When she keeps it a secret that the guy she has been spending time with was an ex-partner . . . that means she has been secretly spending time with an ex-partner. THAT KIND OF SECRECY IS UNACCEPTABLE.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (14 January 2012):
I think she should be able to understand that her staying in frequent touch with a former sex partner is not exactly the best of ideas. By the way, I think the other guy should understand that as well.
I'm sorry, but I tend to agree with the anonymous female poster. This isn't healthy and she should know that. I think you should find someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): She is making you unhappy and wrecking your confidence. It is easy for someone to tell you to trust her, but they are not faced with your problem. You see, she has you for security and him for whatever she's not doing with him (a likely story). She is making you unhappy. This relationship is not for you. No one would feel secure in it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 I can see why this has dented your confidence and why it would be the reason why you have lost your libido. But you cannot stop her from being friends with him, it is not fair to make her chose between the both of you, at the end of the day she has not done anything wrong. Okay they where having sex, but if it was so perfect and it was him she wanted to be with well then she would not have started seeing you. It is YOU she wants to be with, YOU make her happy, she just wants him as a friend and nothing more.
You need to sit down with your girlfriend and tell her exactly how you are feeling. Explain to her how low and depressed you feel and get her to reassure you. Do not tell her to stop seeing him, you need to trust her and put more belief in yourself and your performance. She should be able to clear up any worries you have. So talk to her and start trying to work on this relationship.
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