A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do. When my girlfriend and I fight, she stays so mad for so long, and I don't know how to deal with it. We had a fight last night that somehow caused her to drive off mad. We didn't speak for 24 hours, til I called her tonight. I tried to talk it out, but she was cold as hell and was being really hurtful. All I want to do is discuss what happened and communicate. I recognize it takes two people to fight and I wanted to talk about what happened. She just says she's pissed and wants off the phone. I finally gave her what she wanted. But to be honest, I feel like this takes any and every bit of power away from me. Instead, now I have to sit here for god knows how many days until she decides she's not pissed anymore and is ready to talk. And it makes me resentful as hell. So ultimately, my question is what exactly is fair? Is it fair to stay pissed off and be hurtful for days? Or should you be able to talk it out like adults, even if you're still upset? I need advice, please. Because I'm hurting really badly. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2014): It is natural to fall out and have tiffs, make up, say sorry, take some responsibility and if the 'OTHER' wants to punish, sulk, blame,snub, fester then be aware that you are in for a life of hell. I have learnt through experience that relationships are so hard and energy sapping when you have a 'moody' who likes to sulk. I now have no time AT ALL for people who carry things on, life is too short and special moments and years are lost sadly often over trivia.I handle issues like this ( if you are not happy to meet half way kiss and make up, then while YOU sit at home on YOUR OWN sulking, I will be OUT having a happy time amongst HAPPY people, please feel free to JOIN US/ME when you have finished making life miserable, and if not stay away)Don't feed and pamper people's negative mood swings let them learn it gets them no where and does not affect you, then maybe they will learn to resolve issues fairly and unhurt.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 January 2014):
Dude, didn't read all of the posts, but you just need to get away. Life is way to short to be putting up with crap like that.
Everyone has issues, but the key is to deal with them and talk them out. There simply isn't enough time in this life for runners.....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 January 2014):
 She has really serious issues. She is toxic, not to mention destructive. She could have killed someone, driving off all pissed like that while she's wasted drunk! Therapy must not be working if she has to get drunk off her ass, become reckless and emotionally bludgeon her partner and then putting everyone on the road in danger.
What she said isn't true either. Of course she has her own decision about going out of town for college, but if you two have been partners, of course she should give you the courtesy of talking it over between you two. Support goes both ways - it's not all you supporting her while you shut up about it and smile through whatever she has to say. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's a coward who wants to break up with you but doesn't want to seem like the bad guy, so she mistreats you until you do it yourself.
Doesn't matter....you not only need to leave her, you need to run like hell because she's leaving a trail of destruction in her wake. She has zero cause to treat you like she just did and is doing. If you don't break up with her, you are validating her behavior which will continue to get worse and worse if you allow it.
Make no mistake - she is the type who will tear apart your life, make you into a co-dependent to her alcoholism, make the relationship all about her leaving you with unfulfilled and uncared-for needs of your own, and at the slightest challenge from you, she will emotionally flay you alive with her cutting words and cold behavior. You don't deserve that, and don't think she is the only one out there. There are so many people out there who would love to show you love. I'm guessing this isn't the first time something like this has happened, not by a long shot.
You've gotta end it, unless if, on her own, she realizes she's spiraling into oblivion and mistreating you and decides to stop drinking and change her ways. However, don't count on it. Ultimatums don't work, and desperation in someone like you causes you to flush your life down the toilet making you a quivering, terrified, hollow shadow of the person you once were, completely cowed to her whim and never questioning her bad behavior for fear of being rejected and abandoned.
She isn't that good of a catch. You can do much better. Do you have the courage???
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell to explain a bit further. She is currently in therapy and had a really hard session the other day. She went out and got really drunk to cope with it. Which is really hard for me because there's nothing I can ever say to make her not do that. I've learned to just let her do what she's going to do in those instances because it just makes it worse when I say anything.
So she comes over drunk. And when she's drunk, she makes absolutely no sense. So I always get frustrated. I try not to, but I can't help it. I just can't understand her when she drinks. Literally.
We went to have a late dinner, and I was hoping to sober her up. And while we were there, she makes the comment in passing that she's going to go out of state for grad school. Last we had discussed it, she said she wanted to stay local because of me. So this shocked me and upset me a bit. Not because I can't support her in her decision. I want her to be happy and do what's best for her. But because it was quite a change from what we had previously discussed and planned.
I tried to get her to explain what caused her to change her mind, but that was like pulling teeth, trying to get her to make sense. I then asked if she still was wanting to stay together over the distance if she leaves for two years. This seemed like a logical question to me. This is what set the argument in motion.
She apparently got pissed that I didn't just know that she wanted to be with me. And she got pissed that I apparently didn't support her in her goals. She said I should know she wants to be with me and it's just a couple of years out of our lives. Why couldn't I support her? Since she was drunk, the conversation escalated and ended up with her storming off pissed off. I figured she would wake up sober and we could discuss the issue like adults.
I gave her the rest of that evening and the entire next day to cool off. No contact. I tried to call her that night and talk it out. Explain to her that I do support her decisions, etc. But that's when she was being a huge bitch, telling me she doesn't give a shit and couldn't care less. She kept saying really hurtful and angry things about not caring and having not even thought about it. I have learned not to waste my breath trying to be reasonable and trying to talk it out with her when she's like this. So I just let her go and let her be pissed off. But there's no telling how long she will stay mad. And it ruins my day every day until she starts talking to me like normal again.
To me, it feels abusive. it truly does. Because I try to talk it out, despite having hurt/angry feelings myself. and it gets shoved back in my face. And it feels like I am being punished for what happened. Like I have to wait in time out until SHE decides if she wants to forgive me or not. And I don't feel like I'm fully to blame. But she's blaming it all on me. How is it fair to punish your partner and withhold forgiveness like that? It's stripped me of any power or control in the situation. And it sucks.
I have only the two choices of sitting here and waiting like a scolded puppy dog, waiting for forgiveness, or to say screw it. And I'm leaning towards screw it. Because this is not the first time this has happened. And I really can't emotionally deal with it. But I love her, so it's so hard.
If you're still hurt about something, that doesn't give you free reign to belittle someone or treat them like shit because they're trying to work out the problem, in my opinion. I certainly don't do that to her. if you're still mad or hurt, express it like an adult and ask for more space. But Jesus. This feels like emotional abuse and I can't take much more of it. It's killing me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 I guess it would also depend from the kind of fight , and about what it was.
If it was about something small... actually, I am more realist than the king, I think that there's no reason to have arguments about minor stuff. If it's something minor , couples should never let this stuff escalate to a real argument. If it's something like, he arrived 20 minutes late to a date, or she forgot to walk the dog as she was supposed to do, and stuff like that, why even wasting energy bickering about it. Life is short, live and let live. Or at most, just SAY Sorry, this is unacceptable, bext time remember that we have agreed on etc.etc. ".
If you don't argue, you won't even have the need to convince or appease the other party , or to tell them your side of the story. I think that most arguments happen not because either one really cares about the matter they are arguing about , it's just that they want to have the last and final world, an ego thing.
In these cases, you are right, it should be settled pretty soon, but ,IMO, ideally you should not even GET to argue about minor stuff. And if you find yourselves often, or always clashing about not so terrible stuff- it may be time to call it a day, due to incompatible personalities, which no amount of calm reasoning will change.
But if it is a big blow up about something major... either one was disrespected and humiliated .... either one broke a serious promise... either one told a big lie... I don't know, something really bad and unsettling , well, you can't expect to go by the book of rational and equanimous fighting and settle the score within 24 hours. Why ? because maybe she is so furious, she is so mad that all she can do is NOT assault you and choke you with her bare hands. There's no point in tryng to discuss rationally and dispassionately when one is still overwhelmed by powerful emotions. It would be pointless, lucididty has no game when passsions take over.
In this case, actually having 2 or 3 or X days to chill and regain rationality and composure it may not be such a bad idea. You can always discuss the issue AS SOON AS the fires of anger have subsided, it does not says anywhere that any issue , you have to duke it out there and then.
There and then is how YOU are used to solve your controversies , and following a different script makes you anxious and resentful. But she has a dfferent temperament, and a different fighting stile, and , in practice , as frustrating it may be for you, it would be also ineffective to make her talk and explain and listen before she feels ready.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 January 2014):
Actually, I think it's crap what she is doing. You didn't mention what you two were fighting over, but I'm guessing it was petty like 99.9% of fights are. Unless it was a serious subject like cheating or sex or a big breach of trust, fights should be resolved.
I'm all for taking a cool-off break and someone "taking a lap" or even cooling off for a few hours so as not to say or do anything overly hurtful (I do that when the fur starts flying), but I think that people who storm off for days and fire nasty hurtful comments in order to emotionally punish or bludgeon their partners is nothing short of emotional abuse.
I don't do that to people I'm with, and it's wrong. She's conveying the message that you should never ever dare to piss her off again. It *is* a power thing, and it has no place in healthy relationships. There is no fight that warrants treatment like that any more than there's a place for physical violence or revenge sex, which are also both about power.
The hurtful "She says she doesn't give a damn and couldn't care less about the fight, etc. Said she hadn't even thought about me or the fight at all that day." comment from a guy would have me breaking up with him and not looking back. I don't date liars for starters, and if it wasn't a lie, then you're wasting your time with her anyways.
How long have you been dating anyways? I would end it actually. You have plenty of choices out there and plenty of other women who wouldn't treat a guy that way even in a fight. No one should be allowed to emotionally abuse another in this fashion. Saying that withholding and silent treatment is just part of being a woman is like saying that slapping a woman to keep her in her place is part of being a man.
I say you could do one of two things here:
1. Stop communicating with her. No more calls, no more running after her wheedling for a resolution. No more emails, texts, seeing her, anything. The next communication should be from her and only her. Wait a month, and if she still doesn't talk to you, block her from everything and consider yourself broken up with her and move on. If she does initiate contact within a month, sure, meet her and talk to her. But tell her that this will never happen again with the silent treatment and the hurtful comments, and if it happens again, you and she are done.
or
2. You've already done the phone calls, so email her and tell her that you're breaking up with her because emotional and mental cruelty has no place anywhere in your life. If she wants the breakup in person, have her come see you, otherwise wish her well in life, and then block her off of all of your social media and move on.
I do not believe in dragging an argument. Even in the worst of fights, I am the master of my emotions. Holding grudges, emotional bludgeoning, being hurtful and vindictive, teaching lessons, making a spouse or partner pay, that's all crap, unhealthy and demeaning. You need someone who keeps the overall relationship in mind even in a fight or its aftermath. Words hurt and people should be 100% accountable for what they say and do even when emotions run high. Lashing out because they're being "pushed" is not any kind of excuse.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (19 January 2014):
I agree with you and would be very annoyed if my boyfriend acted this way after an argument. Life is far too short to spend days without speaking to someone, particularly the person you are supposed to love the most in the world. As an adult couple you should be able to discuss disagreements in a respectful way without being nasty or sarcastic in my opinion.
Unfortunately it does seem as though this is who she is and pushing her to change isn't going to work. I personally couldn't deal with that and I would leave the relationship because I couldn't deal with another 50 years of someone sulking for days and me having to wait until they got over it. I have better things to do than indulge someone like that. It's entirely up to you how you choose to deal with it, but counting on her changing her personality to suit you isn't a real option I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 January 2014):
 You also raised the question of what is fair?
'All is fair in love and war'
Have you heard that expression? It's true because in love and war, all bets are off, there are no rules, there is only deciding how you feel about a person and what you are prepared to do to continue. You cannot dictate what they will do, because that is the game! If they dance the same dance as you, then it might work...if they don't...well then it's up to you if you continue or leave!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 January 2014):
It isn't disrespectful, it's just how she is.
Some people are so joined at the hip, they wouldn't dream of letting arguments go on and on...they just want to get back on an even keel, others get into a cycle of arguing because they like the 'make up' bit and sometimes use this as verification that the other person likes them and will fight to get back with them...
Your girl gets mad and stays mad because maybe she really has a big problem with how you are...She may be one of these people who does have a fiery temperament and needs extra time to cool down and demanding that she talks it out or makes it up before she is ready to is throwing oil on the flames!
You have an idea that you are being good and respectful to her but are you really? when you arn't seeing who or how she really is.
You cannot change who she is, you can only decide to stay or go. Of course you are hurt and upset, you probably want to get your point across but it's being interpreted by her as nagging and pushiness...sometimes you really do have to back right off!!
It's been barely 24 hours since you had the argument, that is not really enough time for someone to cool down if the argument was a bad one. You also compare how she is to other relationships you had...it's like saying 'all people should act the same' because that's the only way you know how to deal with the situation. She's a different kettle of fish and deals in a different way.
I know if I was p*ssed off with someone, I'd be really annoyed if they tried to push the argument and settle it before I was ready and this is why she is getting snappy and nasty towards you.
I don't want to get on your case because you obviously care about her and it's quite unusual, because usually it's the guy that goes AWOL and won't talk!!, so I commend you for trying but you do need to step back and wait for her to come to you with the white flag...if she doesn't and time goes on, maybe the relationship isn't worth pursuing!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): This is something you will have to learn to live with if you want to stay together forever.
24hours after the fight, she's not speaking without thinking when she says hurtful things.
She's deliberately being cruel to you and letting you stew in the hurt, rejection and powerlessness.
I could suggest you talk to her about how it makes you feel. But I suspect that she knows exactly how it makes you feel and that she is doing this precisely to make you feel this way.
You are calling her and waiting around for her giving her the power and the attention and validation she wants. So she'll do it again and again and again.
I would suggest you do not contact her again. If and when she comes back to you, you tell her that this is not the type of relationship you want and whether that is something she can change about herself. It is not negotiable. If she can't then you leave her or you stay with her knowing that your self esteem and your well being is going down the toilet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA bit more info. When I tried to call her tonight to talk, she just got so hurtful. She says she doesn't give a damn and couldn't care less about the fight, etc. Said she hadn't even thought about me or the fight at all that day.
I tried to reason with her despite this, and communicate with her. I tried to explain my side and let her talk about hers. But all she would do was respond with sarcastic and hurtful comments about how she doesn't give a shit. And just be short and angry. So I gave up and gave her her space.
I don't know how to deal with a partner who gets like this. I've never dealt with it before. Any times in the past, if there was a fight, we would talk about it after we had calmed down (which was never long), and all would be fine. I've never dealt with a partner who stays mad for days and lashes out at me. It really hurts.
I try so hard to be good to her and respectful. I try to end fights quickly and be quick to forgive. But she refuses to give the same in return.
At this point, I have no choice but to just let her pout it out and be pissed off. So that's what I'm doing - giving her her space to be angry. And I'm gonna go about my business and try not to give a damn. But it honestly makes me really angry. I think it's really disrespectful.
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female
reader, lessons_learned  +, writes (19 January 2014):
Umm....... well hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. You will have to give us the context of the fight or it's difficult to say. She could be in the wrong and too stay and talk through the problem. Perhaps you just want her to see thing your way only and she gets frustrated, her only option is to leave. It's hard to say with out all the facts.
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