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male
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*att
writes: Dear CupidI have been going out with a great girl for just over three years, but she has decided that she doesnt want to be part of this relationship any more, and she has ended it during a disagreemen we had about something very minor. From the start we got on brilliantly, and we both agreed that we were soul mates, and talked about our future together all the time.For the last two years of the relationship we even survived my girlfriend moving across London to go to Univeristy, because we were so much in love, and we wanted it to work. Although we had a blip last year, our relationship has been good and neither of us has ever cheated. Our only real problem is that we have never enjoyed a great sex life, because both of us found it difficult to talk to each on this level.Her change in attitude to me isn't sudden, it has happened over a fairly short space of time. She has also gradually substituted me with a girl from her class in a number of the activities we used to enjoy as a couple.Despite little changing between us and her telling me how much she loved me just two days before the bombshell, she now says that the spark doesn't exist any more, we share little in common, and she can't see us having a future together.I find this difficult to handle because I have stuck with her for over 2 years even though she moved away, only to find that in the last year of Uni she is rejecting me. I had always really looked forward to the end of her Uni days because it meant we could always be togetherWe have had a couple of discussions since splitting, and I have really tried to win her back. We have also mentally dealt with some the issues at hand, but she says it doesnt matter what I do or so there is no chance at all of going back.I know that people fall in and out of love, but I have always treated this girl well, taken her on far away holidays, purchased expensive goods out the reach of a student, I have always been their for her when she needed me, and I have never cheated. She thinks I am not the most romantic of guys, but I have even paid for her to go to New York for her 21st birthday this x-mas as a suprise, because I just want her to be happy.I just find it so painful that now she can write off this special relationship in such a certain and forthright fashion, without leaving any scope for me to show her how special it was and could be again.It's burning a hole in me. I can't sleep or work properly, and she is constantly on my mind, and I now feel absolutely powerless to do anything.Has anyone any suggestions how I can get my baby back into my world ?Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): I broke up with a loving, caring, extraordinarily doting guy with whom I had an amazing emotional connection, because I couldn't respect him - he made lazy, wimpy, wishy-washy decisions in his life. He wanted to marry me, and begged for me back, and it was so emotional, and I missed him sooo much, but I just couldn't see myself with him long term! I don't know anything about you, but I do know that if that ex had shown some personal authority in his life, it would have seriously impacted the way I thought about our relationship. Just my two cents...
A
reader, marie +, writes (10 September 2005):
The confusion, upset and heartbreak are probably the only things you can think of right now and all I can say, is let yourself feel these things. I have very recently been through the same thing, blamed everything on myself, didn't know what I did wrong. Did I not give enough of this? Did I not let him do that? At the end of the day, no matter how much it hurts, you have to accept and believe that everything in life happens for a reason and your reason is that there is somebody else out there just waiting to receive the love and affection your wanting to give.
I've been waiting months for the pain to disappear and it is going a little, day by day. Just believe in yourself, your a great guy and there is someone out there waiting for the love your able to give. Stop chasing lost dreams.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2005): It seems to me taht as your sex life wasn't so hot she decided a long time ago to move on and seek new lovers, and its taken her so long to do it only to spare your feelings. Be thankful she wasn't actually having an affair whilst you were together.
You won't get her back and thats clear. Thinking about it will only torture yourself more. Learn to accept its over.
The old song goes "love is the drug I'm thinking of", well its right love actually is a drug. Being in love with someone means everytime you are near them make you feel better, happy, elated whatever you want, its a great feeling drug released by your brain. Its an evolutionary aid to make us bond with someone else and creat a family, new life. However it wears off typically after 2-4 years for most people.
It wore off for your girlfriend it seems long time ago, and it'll wear off for you too eventually. Give it time.
Like any drug addict you are addicted to the drug your girlfriend created in you. And like any drug addict in the misery of withdrawal you have to go cold turkey and get it out of your system.
A great way is to find a new activity, sport, pastime and let that become something that takes up loads of your time. It may even just be going out partying with your pals. If you have no pals go get some.
People will probably think I'm some sort of nut, but drinking large quantities out and about with friends checking out new talent actually works to get rid of the feelings of loss. It does.
If you are lacking confidence in the bedroom sports, get reading advise books, or even seek out a therapist on how to become expert in pleasing a woman, then get into practice.
Whatever you do, don't try to get back with this girl, the worst thing that might happen is that you somehow convince her to come back, and that would definitely lead to abject misery for you in the future and perhaps day by day misery for her.
Get on with life boy! Get off that drug! Or find a new one!
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A
male
reader, Matt +, writes (9 September 2005):
I have met my girlfriend - well ex, since posting my message. We had a good chat and it got very emotional, but she was so adament we havent got a future it was unreal. She let me stay round her flat because it was late, but I was not allowed near her. The pain of seeing her sleeping near me but not allowed to go near was undescribable. I couldn't breath properley let alone sleep. I have dated girls for a long time before but this is so different, she was the one for me, and I feel so angry with myself for not making her feel so sure of me that she wanted to split.
They do say time is the greatest healer, but this is something that will probably never fully pass. I now feel so alone, but I find great strength in the excellent responses people have given so far.
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A
female
reader, HelenNZ  +, writes (6 September 2005):
Hi Matt,
I am in a similar position to what your girlfriend might have been before she decided to call it quits, so I may be able to shed some light on the situation.
Girls can be complex creatures (I am sure you'll agree). We are subject to a wild plethora of thoughts, hormone levels, and emotions- all interrelated. Though this girl loves/loves you, there must be some strong feeling/belief that you are not 'meant to be' as a couple. Though this sounds kind of inconclusive, it will be based on some specific difference between you, and she has convinced herself that the best option is to call it off.
This does not mean there is no future for you, BUT there are concerns that need to be addressed: In your letter you mentioned several occasions when you bought expensive things for your girl - I cant stress this too much: money does not buy love! I dont know the ins and outs of the relationship, but were you more friend and lover or more sugar daddy to your girl?
take age into account as well, you mention her 21st birthday, maybe she was scared of a committed relationship because she doesnt know what she is or isnt missing out on.
My advice is, if you truly want to make it work in the end is: slow down, be her friend, keep it simple (dont rely on expensive gifts at all- thoughtful/sentimental is better), and most of all- give her time to be herself and experience life. If you are destined to be together, be yourselves and it will happen. If not, allow yourself (and her) to move on.
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (6 September 2005):
I am so sorry that your heart has been broken like this. It must have been an awful shock as it sems you didn't see it comming. Nothing anybody says is going to stop you feeling the hurt you feel. Usually when two people have an arument and split up suddenly, when they have calmed down they are sorry and make up. In your case, your girl had time to calm down but still feels the same way. Just as I can't change the way you feel by what I say, I don't think you can change the way she feels either. When you see her next time try not to argue with how she feels, no matter how hard it is, make some closing gesture to show her you are trying to come to terms with the break up. Acceptance is the best healer.
Delila
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A
female
reader, daniella +, writes (5 September 2005):
she oviously has made up her mind that the relationship is over. you need to move on not try win her back it does sound like you really was in love AT A TIME thinks change if she loves you she will come back to you.
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