A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend got mad at me for sending a Happy Birthday message to a girl I used to do sexting with on Facebook. She says she dosen't want to see me anymore , what should I do ? I don't see the big deal ! All I said was happy Birthday. My girlfriend asked why I had to send her a private message? why I just didn't post it on her wall ? and also pointed out my huge age differance from this girl who is 15 years younger and she called me a perv.This upset me sure I may be almost 40 but the girl was of legal age and when I was sexting with her it was like a month before I met My current girlfriend . I really Like my current girlfriend other than her being so insecure how can I help her to see I only want to be with her ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): You need to stop contacting old "gf" who you sexted with to wish them happy birthday. It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out. You're in the wrong here period. Your behavior would make most gf in their right minds feel that you're not serious about a relationship with them and that you're a player.
A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 Look, if you actually want to prove you only want to be with her, then you can't have ANY contact with this woman. It may not seem "right", but I can see the logic behind it. What's the point in keeping in contact with this woman? You're not friends with her, she was just someone you sexted with. Why would it be so hard to hit the delete button on her? If you can't answer that, that's not a good sign.
You might be thinking "it's just a happy birthday message", but if you really think about it why even bother? To your girlfriend, it seems like you were trying to hide it by sending it through a private message. I don't think this is insecurity to be honest. I think it was a fair question. If it was because you thought she'd get upset, then you should have considered WHY she'd be upset. This is a woman you were showing interest in, even if it was before you met her. So the way she sees it, the only reason you bothered to message her was to continue to show interest. The fact this woman is younger is naturally going to provoke a bit of jealousy in your girlfriend, especially if she is (or close to) your age. Although calling you a perv was overkill, and rather childish as well. She could have simply said she doesn't like you having contact with this woman without name-calling. She DOES need to work on that. After all, name-calling isn't going to make you find younger women any less attractive, so it solves nothing.
I don't entirely think you were in the wrong because it was just "happy birthday" and not of a sexual nature, but I think you should at least TRY to see this through your girlfriend's eyes before you judge her as being too insecure. There are many people out there, both women AND men who do not feel comfortable with their partners keeping in contact with people they once had sexual interest in, even if there was no physical relationship. If you really want to be with her, then you're going to have to accept that she is one of those people.
If not, you ARE going to lose her. She's made this clear.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (3 August 2014):
 I don't think this is an issue of your girlfriend being overly insecure. I would be quite upset by this as well. I think you crossed a boundary that is inappropriate and if you want your girlfriend back you will need to genuinely apologize and make amends.
The only way you could help her to see you want nothing to do with this woman is to delete her from your Facebook. Reassure your girlfriend you made a stupid mistake, you didn't think it through and that it won't ever happen again. Empathize with your girlfriend, tell her you understand why she got upset and why she would think there is more to your message than a simple happy birthday, but then reassure again that there isn't. You are guilty only of being an insensitive man not thinking of your girlfriend first before your actions.
Also don't defend yourself or your age when she calls you a pervert. She was hurt and is feeling insecure, she lashed out by insulting you. Understand this and show her you understand. Defending yourself by saying it isn't too big of an age difference will only make this much worse and makes her think you are justifying your actions. She wants reassurance you are no longer interested in this woman, not to hear you don't think it's so bad to have had a relationship with her. If you don't see a problem with talking to her then your girlfriend will think you could do this again.
This is all assuming you want to get your girlfriend back. It will take a lot of apologizing and reassurance if it is possible. If this is too much for you or you don't feel you should have to do it then let her go and meet someone else. But I am telling you, you are in the wrong with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): Why DID you have to message her happy birthday? What's the point?? Did you really need to get in touch with her at all?
I'm with your GF here...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): Ask yourself this: would you say "happy birthday" to a woman you have no attraction to what-so-ever? (I mean aside from your family or circle of friends). If the answer is no, that's why your girlfriend got upset. She thinks you must still hold attraction to this younger woman, and you're trying to stay in touch because you want her attention. Basically, she thinks you used the fact it's this woman's birthday as an excuse to contact her again.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (3 August 2014):
Why did it have to be a private message? Were you hoping for a return message with more from her?
I'm sorry, but I agree with your GF. I'm not a jealous person but your behaviour appears odd. I don't have a problem with my guy having female contact. But if your hiding it and I found out, that is a problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): I'm with yor girlfriend on this. I wouldn't like it at all. i am a jealous and insecure type but I wouldn't even like the fact that you had remembered her birthday let alone sent her a birthday message. I would not be happy at all about this. Did you do this just to keep all doors open incase it doesn't work out with your current g/f?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 Why didn't you post it on her wall?
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A
female
reader, Aemita  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 Well, Facebook seems to bring nothing but trouble. I get that you wanted to say Happy B-day... but, why exactly on a private message? It would have been more than enough to acknowledge that on her wall.
Sending her a private message made your girl paranoid (she probably thinks you're still in contact with that other girl, since you can afford to send her messages).
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 August 2014):
 Yes, tell us too please, ...why didn't you just post it on her wall ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): I wouldn't be happy with your actions either. Why keep in touch with your setting friend?
Why send it as a private message?
Have the three if you ever hung out? If not, then why not? She's someone you know your current girlfriend is not comfortable hanging out with. Why disrespect the relationship by keeping in touch?
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (3 August 2014):
 I'm with your girlfriend on this one.
Keeping a former lover, even if she was just a sexting buddy, on your contact list alone is inappropriate. Sending her any kind of message raises questions about your intentions. It's a boundary you should not have crossed and if you don't understand why then you should probably remain single for a while.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 Start by not ever mentioning whatever you did with other girls in the past. It's not a good thing to bring up in general. Second, if she's so insecure she wants to leave you over this then I say let her go and good riddance. Who needs all that drama?
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